The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race: Season Two
by IStalkKirby
Summary: The second season! Eleven teams of two race around the world for one million dollars! Teams go from the Mushroom Kingdom to Sauria, where we spend time reading about them driving tanks. Plus, they fall off of Star Road or something!
1. Shut Your Cute Little Faces!

"Last season, on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race," boomed Crazy Hand in an ominous voice. The entire first season was replayed at six million times the regular speed, all within about four seconds.

_Crazy Hand opened the letter, looked at the unemployment check, sighed, and walked away._

_Several weeks later..._

"_Listen, you heartless demons!" shouted Crazy Hand. "You can't just cancel our show!"_

"_Your ratings are terrible," said Tabuu, the producer. "The show you're bootlegging is way more successful than yours, Crazy. It began its fourth season, and it's already quintupled the viewer count of your pitiful first season! Not to mention a third race show has opened up, and its viewers dwarf yours too! In fact, we have the only viewer of your show right here!"_

"_The creators feed me poison," coughed a small sweatshop worker boy, clutching a Season 1 box set and crying._

_Crazy Hand shot the producers, blew up the studios, and started a second season illegally._

The camera danced merrily around the Smash Mansion, where Crazy Hand's stuff was being repossessed.

"I'm currently outside the Smash Mansion, home to the diverse cast of _kooky_ characters known as the Super Smash Brothers," said Crazy Hand, ignoring the events behind him. "From this domicile, eleven teams will begin a race around the world, for the chance to put on these bikinis and serve drinks at my next cocktail party."

Crazy Hand held up a pair of skimpy bikinis and grinned at the camera. He then glanced down and saw that his cue cards had been repossessed.

"Uh, my actual line was...uh...oh yes, eleven teams will begin a race around the world, for one million dollars!" sweated Crazy Hand nervously. "Gas guzzling SUVs are currently transporting teams from their various rooms to the front gate of the Smash Mansion, which is the starting line. Each team is made up of two Smashers, each with an artificial relationship that will likely disintegrate, either due to early elimination or prolonged fatigue."

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch_

"Is it on now?" asked ROB, the boom mike dangling into the shot. "Oh, okay."

ROB cleared his throat. Which robots totally have, I swear.

"Mr. Game and Watch and I are hardened war veterans," assured ROB. The cameraman took a step forward, making a small noise on the ground.

"GUNFIRE!" screamed ROB.

"TAKE COVER!" cried Mr. Game and Watch, jumping under his seat.

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch looked around, to see that there was no gunfire.

"Anyway," continued ROB, regaining his composure, "Mr. Game and Watch and I have seen combat, and even though we're a little older than our competitors, we know what it takes to win a battle like the race."

_A clip of ROB and Mr. Game and Watch in a death camp was played._

"Plus we have so much more life experience," added Mr. Game and Watch. "So that means-"

"You guys want your pre-race bran muffins now?" asked the cameraman.

"I SMELL POISON!" bellowed Mr. Game and Watch, assuming a fighter stance.

"A PLOT ON OUR LIVES!" cried ROB.

"IT'S A TRAP!" added Ackbar.

Mr. Game and Watch karate-chopped the cameraman, screaming war chants.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff_

Luigi nervously turned in his seat to ignore the faint war chants he could hear in the next SUV.

"My family knew Luigi's family for a _very_ long time," smiled Jigglypuff, showing a creepy smile.

_A clip of a father Jigglypuff, a mother Jigglypuff, and the current Jigglypuff grinning creepily at the Mario brothers was shown._

"And eventually, Luigi and I were arranged to be married!" grinned Jigglypuff, showing off a ring on her arm.

Luigi squirmed in his seat and mumbled something about "would have preferred Peach".

"Luigi is such a _good_ husband," beamed Jigglypuff calmly. She started to laugh maniacally, and immediately calmed down.

"In this race, I aim to do as terrible as possible so that this woman divorces me," said Luigi angrily. "The last ten years of my life have been horrible!"

"Aniversaaaaaary!" smiled Jigglypuff, turning slowly in her seat to stare at Luigi, who winced.

_Snake and Falcon_

"We're best friends!" Snake grinned at once.

"Yeah, we met thanks to an online dating site!" added Falcon.

_A clip of Snake and Falcon, both sitting at two different tables in McDonalds was played._

"Turns out we asked out the same girl, but she stood us both up at the same restaurant!" chuckled Snake merrily.

"I may not have got a new girlfriend from that site, but I did find Snake!" smiled Falcon.

"Friends forever!" cheered Snake, hugging Falcon.

"So we decided to test our friendship by running this race," added Falcon.

"We want to win!" smiled Snake, still hugging Falcon.

They immediately let go of each other.

"But we're **not** gay," they both said firmly.

_Falco and King Dedede_

Falco and King Dedede were both in a cage in their SUV.

"This is ridiculous," Falco sighed irritably. "I'm all for running the race, but not to be objectified by the fact that we're both birds."

_A clip of Falco watching angrily as King Dedede jumped into a birdbath several times smaller than him was played._

"Yo, I think it's pretty coo'," replied King Dedede, grabbing his crotch gangsta-style.

"That's because you're an idiot," snapped Falco. He noticed the camera. "Oh, uh, we're probably going to end up being one of the most irritable teams, we're both sick of the persecution innocent birds encounter on a day-to-day basis or whatever."

"I said I was down with it, dawg," pointed out Dedede. "Anyways, we's both goin' to give dis race our all, yo. People might not be coo' with us, but them's the brakes."

Falco rolled his eyes as the cameraman poured some bird feed into the cage.

_Mario and Sonic_

Mario and Sonic stood confidently on the roof of their SUV, back to back in an action movie-esque pose.

"Sonic and I-a, we're famous heroes-a!" grinned Mario, showing a pearly-white grin.

"Yeah man, we patrol the world day and night, searching and questing for evil-doers!" declared Sonic proudly. "Some people may see us as the goody-goody team, but we are in fact cut-throat and competitive!"

_A shot of Mario and Sonic robbing a bank was played._

"_You've been-a foiled again, Accountant Man!" laughed Mario, 'defeating' the 'supervillian'._

"This-a race will be the perfect chance to show the world just what the-a heroes of today are capable of-a!" smirked Mario, puffing out his chest.

_Ike and Bowser_

Ike and Bowser cracked their knuckles menacingly.

"Bowser and I are bouncers at this hip bar joint in Smashville," explained Ike. "That means we're tough, bad, independent dudes, and you better deal with it."

"Yep, we sure have hardcore jobs," agreed Bowser. "We intend to muscle our way through the race!"

_Ike and Bowser stood outside a preschool, cracking their knuckles at a three year old boy whose name wasn't on the VIP list._

"The race will be the ultimate test of strength!" said Bowser, determined. "And that's why we're so sure we'll be the winners!"

"We won't crack under pressure either!" assured Ike. "We already get tons of pressure from the aggressive patrons of our bar!"

_The three year old boy frowned slightly. Ike and Bowser warily took out nightsticks._

_Samus and Pikachu_

"So there we were, in Vegas," said Samus, reading her cue card. "And I got pretty drunk, because I needed to unwind. And like every person ever to get drunk in Vegas, I ended up married!"

"Married to the preacher of Nevada's Dr. Wright chapel," pointed out Pikachu, indicating himself.

"So now that we're married, we decided to give this race a shot," added Samus.

_A clip of Samus doing shots off of Pikachu's body was played. "JUST MARRIED" was tattooed across Pikachu's tail._

"We probably have the vaguest relationship of all the teams here," said Pikachu. "So that'll be a challenge, but if we pray our hardest to the green-haired good doc–"

"-and play dirty," cut in Samus.

"-yes, that, we can win the race!" finished Pikachu.

_Peach and Zelda_

The two princesses sat in their SUV, completely bored. Zelda idly stabbed Peach's leg.

"Oh, right..." Peach sighed, taking the bloodshed as a clue. "Zelda and I are aggressive despite our appearances."

_A clip of Peach competing in the Miss Nintendo pageant while Zelda slit Daisy's throat was played._

"Yeah, be afraid," nodded Zelda insanely. "Be **very** afraid....haha...not that I'd kill to win the race....really....HAHAHAHAHAHA-can you hear a buzzing?"

Peach looked from Zelda to the camera and back again nervously.

_Kirby and Meta Knight_

"Well, Kirby and I are roommates, so we see each other nearly all the time," explained Meta Knight.

_A clip of Kirby and Meta Knight watching TV was played. Well, they can't all be funny._

"Only problem is that I'm irritable, and he's completely blasé about everything!" fumed Kirby. "We were like this last season, too!"

"Whatever," shrugged Meta Knight.

"We're running this race because....we're awesome...and yeah..." said Kirby, not bothering with a cool intro.

"I am, anyway," shrugged Meta Knight indifferently.

_Ness and Lucas_

"We're students at Smashville Tech!" explained Ness. "And one million dollars would be the easiest bribe to get in the coolest frat on campus!"

_A clip was played of Marth and Fox kicking Ness and Lucas out of a frat house._

"We could just make friends with them..." Lucas hesitated, nervously looking at the nine SUVs in front of them.

"That's stupid!" scoffed Ness. "You're stupid! Go stand in the mud!"

"Mud?" repeated Lucas.

"If you know what I mean," added Ness, raising his eyebrow suggestively.

"That doesn't make any se-anyway, Ness thinks I'm incapable of doing anything right by myself, so I'm running the race with him to show him what a strong person I can be...." Lucas told the camera awkwardly.

"Dammit Lucas, make us look cool, we're the last team before the race starts!" shouted Ness.

"No we aren't," said Lucas, pointing at the eleventh SUV.

Ness cried.

_Wolf and Ganondorf_

In the last SUV, Wolf and Ganondorf threateningly sneered around at the cameras.

"Ganondorf and I both have rough histories as villains," explained Wolf. "So that'll make us as cut-throat and competitive as the rest of the teams, if not more so."

"We love to humiliate and demean other people to make ourselves look better," added Ganondorf.

_A clip of Wolf and Ganondorf stealing ice cream from toddlers was shown._

"We argue a lot with everyone, even each other, so we'll be the team to look out for," assured Ganondorf.

_Crazy Hand_

Crazy Hand floated impressively along the front gate of the Smash Mansion.

"Can these eleven teams cope with the stress of travelling with one another in a race around the world? And which team will have the right combination of brains, brawn and teamwork to win the one million dollars? These are the questions we ask as we get ready to begin..."

Crazy Hand heard the rabble of teams behind him, all waiting for his dramatic pause to end.

...

...

"The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" finished Crazy Hand.

"Super-sexy-sophomore-second-season edition!" added Crazy Hand hastily, before the cameraman turned away.

_Smash Mansion_

The eleven teams piled out of their SUVs and stood in a semi-circle shape before Crazy Hand, who was floating impressively around them all.

"In a few moments you will be departing on a race around the world!" boomed Crazy Hand. "There are thirteen legs in this race! At the end of each leg is a pit stop! Eight of these pit stops are elimination points, and you need to get to them as fast as you can, because if you're last..."

The teams stared blankly at Crazy Hand.

"...you _will_ be eliminated! At the start of each leg you will receive a small monetary sum, which will cover all expenses, except airline tickets which you won't need to pay for!"

Some of the cheaper racers wiped their foreheads in mock relief. Crazy Hand rolled his eyes.

"Your first clue is waiting on top of the luggage you brought with you. When I say the word, you may run to your baggage, hop in one of these marked cars, and the rest is up to you! The first team to cross the finish line after thirteen legs will win one million dollars!"

Everyone applauded, and cheered and what have you.

"The world is waiting for you. Good luck...travel safe..." encouraged Crazy Hand. "...Go!"

At once, all the teams tore off, darting past Crazy Hand.

"Wait, you need to sign these liability waivers!" yelled Crazy Hand. "Come back!"

No answer. The eleven teams kept running.

"Aw man..." Crazy Hand sighed. "Nobody ever listens to me..."

Wolf and Ganondorf ran through the crowd, tripping as many people as they could. Meanwhile, Ness and Lucas brought up the rear.

"Um, Ness?" asked Lucas timidly. "Why are you casually strolling?"

"It's all part of my master plan," Ness smirked confidently.

"Don't you think we should run?" suggested Lucas.

Ness slapped Lucas for his ludicrously stupid idea.

Meanwhile again, Ganondorf grabbed Wolf and shoved his way to the front of the running crowd, alongside the arriving princesses. Both teams opened the first clue of the race, as others followed suit, injured by Zelda and the villain team.

_Peach and Zelda  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Zelda took out her prized stabbing knife, wiped off Luigi's blood, and used it to rip open the clue. Well, the knife, not the blood.

"Fly to Canalave City in Sinnoh," read Zelda.

"_Teams must now fly to Canalave City, Sinnoh!" said Crazy Hand. "Once in Canalave, they must travel to Canalave Library, and find the book directing them to their next destination, Oreburgh Mines!"_

"I bet the mines are all dirty!" panicked Peach.

Zelda punched Peach. "You _will_ man up for this race, maggot!"

Peach gave a submissive whimper.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"To get to Sinnoh, you must take one of two charter flights to Canalave City," read Wolf, as Ganondorf picked up the bags. "You have ninety-seven dollars for this leg of the race."

"Yes we do," agreed Ganondorf, counting notes. "Hurry, the princesses are ahead already!"

_Peach and Zelda  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"We're going to be the first ones out, Miss Zelda!" squeaked Peach excitedly.

Zelda froze and span around on one foot.

"DON'T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN!" screeched Zelda. "WE ARE GOOD RACERS!"

"I mean first ones out the starting line," stammered Peach, scared.

...

"I love you too!" smiled Zelda, hugging Peach.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Let's go!" chirped Jigglypuff merrily, dragging Luigi's arm.

"Okay, I'm done with this reality television charade," Luigi sighed irritably, wrenching a knife out of his arm. "Can I pull out or something?"

Crazy Hand whizzed past in his (cardboard) limo. "No takesies-backsies!" he taunted, waving Luigi's contract.

_Ike and Bowser  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Time to power through this bad boy!" Ike smirked confidently, hoisting his bag onto one shoulder.

"Yeah! Rock on!" cheered Bowser.

Bowser surreptitiously took the My Little Pony sticker off of Ike's bag.

"Yeah! Rock on!" cheered Bowser.

_Peach and Zelda  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"We're first to leave, but we've got the villains, those two clubber guys, and Luigi and Jigglypuff behind us," noticed Zelda, looking at the wing mirror.

"Those two 'heroes' have barely moved!" remarked Peach, looking back at Mario and Sonic, the latter of which was doing a dramatic Baywatch run to the clue.

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in Last Place_

Mario walked up to the bag, and checked the clue.

"Wow, Sinnoh sounds good-a!" Mario grinned. "What do you think, Sonic-a? What are you-a doing?"

Sonic was doing his Baywatch run.

"Dramatic running! Are you getting this, cameraman?" asked Sonic eagerly.

Mario frowned sadly.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Woo!" cheered Jigglypuff, leaning out of the car window. "We're off!"

Luigi was seized by an uncontrollable urge to throw Jigglypuff out of the moving vehicle. He held it in with all the restraint he could muster, but eventually he reached his arm up to shove-

The cameraman cleared his throat.

"Awww..." sighed Luigi.

* * *

The Teams!

Mario/Sonic (Superheroes)

Ness/Lucas (Students)

Peach/Zelda (Obligatory Pink-Wearing Blondes)

Ike/Bowser (Club Bouncers)

Snake/Falcon (Friends)

Kirby/Meta Knight (Roommates)

Samus/Pikachu (Married in Vegas)

ROB/Mr. Game and Watch (War Veterans)

Wolf/Ganondorf (Villains)

Luigi/Jigglypuff (Arranged Marriage)

Falco/King Dedede (Birds)

* * *

More marked cars began leaving the starting line, until a stream of five or six lead teams emerged.

_Peach and Zelda  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Go this way instead!" suggested Peach, navigating from the back seat. "It goes to the airport faster; everyone else will take the normal road!"

Zelda took out a pocket knife and calmly sat it on the glove compartment.

"You'd better be right..." muttered Zelda icily, turning into the alternate route.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Just passed the villains!" cheered Jigglypuff, driving erratically.

"Dammit, that means we're not last for sure," cursed Luigi. "Try going straight ahead, we'll end up nowhere near the airport!"

"Can you read me the flight details?" asked Jigglypuff, not listening.

"Of course...fly to Mushroom Kingdom and leave one team member behind..." lied Luigi. "I'll volunteer."

"That sounds too hard," said Jigglypuff. "I'll just follow someone instead!"

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Not sure if Luigi and Jigs are on the right path," said Wolf, following them, "But I'll trust them for now."

"If they're wrong, at least we can murder them and avoid a footrace," reasoned Ganondorf, cackling.

_Falco and King Dedede  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Right, so to get to Sinnoh we have to fly either on Smashville Air or Air Smashville..." reviewed Falco, checking the clue again in the back seat.

"Yo, who's this ahead, dawg?" asked King Dedede, squinting at the car in front.

_Ike and Bowser  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"I'm so sure that Zelda chick stabbed me or something," complained Ike, bleeding all over the seat.

"She needs to calm down," snarled Bowser. "Or else I'll teach her a lesson!"

_Peach and Zelda  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I totally stabbed that Ike guy," Zelda snickered, laughing at her own violence.

"Killing is not an accident, Miss Zelda!" reprimanded Peach.

"Accident?" repeated Zelda, confused.

_Ike and Bowser  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"I hope those cute girls get eliminated as soon as possible," fumed Ike.

"We'll see to that," added Bowser fiercely.

_Smash Mansion Starting Line_

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"Let's pray for a good race before we leave," decided Pikachu, taking out his doctrines.

"We're eighth!" panicked Samus, downing painkillers.

"Dear Wright, we hope that our journey-"

Samus threw Pikachu in the trunk and drove away.

"-is safe and unimpeded."

_Snake and Falcon  
__Currently in 9__th__ Place_

"Oh no, the only two behind us are the kids and the heroes because Ness and Sonic are strolling!" panicked Snake.

Falcon grabbed Snake's hand.

"Dave, calm down, you know you get panicky easily!" soothed Falcon.

"You're right Doug, we're such good friends!" cheered Snake, getting in the car.

_Ness and Lucas  
__Currently in 10__th__ Place_

Ness strolled over to Lucas before Sonic could stroll over to Mario.

"Wow, I beat Sonic in a footrace!" cheered Ness.

"Great, now get in the car!" called Lucas from the car.

"I have an ingenious scheme to get myself in that car!" called Ness back.

Lucas hit his head against the steering wheel in frustration.

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Alright Sonic-a, let's use our super powers to get to the airport-a fast!" decided Mario.

POW! Mario opened the car door.

BAM! Mario and Sonic sat down.

KEY! Mario started the engine.

UNFOLD! Sonic got out the map.

"Let's rock!" declared Sonic, making a dramatic pose while sitting.

_Ness and Lucas  
__Currently in 10__th__ Place_

Lucas sat in the front seat of the car with his eyes squeezed shut in frustration.

"I'm gonna totally jump in this car like it was the General Lee!" shouted Ness exuberantly.

Ness jumped through the open window and collapsed in the backseat, covered in blood and broken glass.

"Oh my god!" cried Lucas, turning in his seat. "Ness!"

Ness spat some more blood out of his mouth. "Shut up and drive!"

Ness pulled a foot-long shard of glass from his arm.

"Never give up, never give up," Lucas muttered to himself, trying not to look at any of the car's mirrors.

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Currently in 8th Place_

"Looks like Ness hurt himself!" noticed Pikachu. "Quick, let me pray for him!"

"Forget that, we're headlining the back of the pack!" cried Samus. "And I will NOT finish last!"

_Kirby and Meta-Knight  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Just work it through the traffic," advised Meta-Knight lazily. "Thread the needle, thread the needle..."

"Get out of the way, jackass!" screamed Kirby out of the car window.

"That's an ambulance," observed Meta-Knight.

"Freaking death-traps, man," replied Kirby.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Just drive real careful-like, just like reconnaissance on an enemy base..." encouraged Mr. Game and Watch. "Except there's ten enemy bases! And they all move! And we have to move faster!"

"So it's more like an army invasion?" asked ROB from the front seat.

"Invasion?" screamed Mr. Game and Watch. "Nowhere's safe anymore! Floor it!"

ROB sharply hit the gas, sending Mr. Game and Watch flying into the windscreen.

"This is not a drill! Keep going!" bellowed Mr. Game and Watch in a muffled voice.

_Peach and Zelda  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"See what I told you, Miss Zelda?" asked Peach sweetly. "Look, there's no traffic!"

"I kill smug people and I eat them," replied Zelda casually.

"I love you too, best friend!" cheered Peach.

Zelda slammed a fork down into the dashboard.

"Hahaha...er..." stammered Peach hesitantly.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Excellent, the middle lane has mile-long traffic," said Luigi, surveying the highway. "Pull into this lane, Jigglypuff."

"But the other teams will pass us!" despaired Jigglypuff.

A vein appeared in Luigi's temple.

_Falco and King Dedede  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Yo yo yo, I is from the moto'way streets and I know hows to cut traffic!" cheered Dedede, passing several stuck cars and a couple of teams.

"I think we might be in the top pack right now," said Falco.

The cameraman whispered something to Falco.

"A cracker, you say?" asked Falco. "Well, I would love one! But my name's Falco, not Polly....oh, _hardy-friggin'-har..._"

...

"Racist."

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Jigglypuff hesitantly changed to the high-traffic middle lane, going extremely slowly.

Luigi's vein pulsed.

....

"**OH WILL YOU PLEASE JUST-"**

Luigi realised they were going slowly.

"-go even slower, my...wife...?" finished Luigi.

Jigglypuff zoomed over to the traffic lane in record time.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Seats are first come, first served, remember that," informed Ganondorf, rechecking the clue. "We don't want to be one of those idiot teams that mess up straight from the start."

"Oh really, we don't?" asked Wolf snidely. "_That_ certainly never occurred to me, you jackass!"

"Face! Shut! Yours!" cried Ganondorf angrily.

_Ike and Bowser  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Man, hope we don't fall behind and miss the first plane," said Bowser ominously.

"I heard that," replied Ike.

"The guys at the club would never let us hear the end of it if we came last," groaned Bowser.

"We'd be the laughing stock of milk and cookies time," added Ike.

_Smashville Airport_

_Peach and Zelda  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Good, we're first to the airport!" celebrated Zelda, tossing her shovel away as she stepped out of the car.

"There's a shuttle!" noticed Peach. "Let's get to it before anyone else arrives!"

The princesses got into the shuttle, which promptly drove off.

"Wow, what good luck!" smiled Peach.

Zelda was holding a gun to the driver.

"_Teams are flying from Smashville to Canalave City, Sinnoh on one of two flights!" said Crazy Hand. "The Smashville Air flight has room for four teams, and an Air Smashville flight has room for the other seven! However, while the Smashville Air flight departs earlier, it actually arrives in Canalave later than Air Smashville!"_

_Falco and King Dedede  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Why were Luigi and Jigs riding the slow lane?" asked Falco, jumping out of the car.

"I gots no clue," replied Dedede, shrugging. "Yo, let's check fo' a shuttle,"

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Airline shuttles must be around here somewhere!" smiled Jigglypuff brightly.

"Good point, maybe one will kill me," agreed Luigi.

"Silly Luigi!" laughed Jigglypuff appreciatively.

"I mean it," replied Luigi flatly.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"We need to man up and beat the birds and the married couple to the shuttle, Wolf," realised Ganondorf, slamming the door shut.

"Man up? Last season you were a frickin' teenage girl," replied Wolf.

"Hey, shut up and die," argued Ganondorf convincingly. "I really hate you, you know that? At least Roy tried to be supportive!"

"Are the therapy-created barriers coming down?" asked Wolf, raising his eyebrows curiously.

_Ike and Bowser  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Three teams looking for shuttles up ahead!" Ike grinned.

"We might make flight number one after all!" cheered Bowser. "High-five me!"

Ike and Bowser high fived.

There was a pause.

"Oh god, my hand!" squealed both Ike and Bowser together.

_Falco and King Dedede  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

The birds walked up to a shuttle, and nervously looked around for other teams.

"Hey, shuttle driver dude, if we get on, don't let the plumber, puffball, wolf, redhead, bluehead or turtle on with us," bribed Falco, slipping the driver a bill.

"No bribes," snarled the driver.

King Dedede took out his beatbox.

"_My name is D, to the power of three,"_ rapped Dedede, beginning his number 1 Christmas hit.

"Okay, maybe one bribe," said the driver. "Take your seats."

_Smashville Air Counter_

_Peach and Zelda  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Peach and Zelda jumped out of their shuttle and ran into the airport.

"No other teams here!" noted Peach happily, walking up to the counter.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Ike and Bowser  
__On 3__rd__ Shuttle_

"Hey guys!" smiled Jigglypuff brightly.

"Oh man, this is awkward..." mumbled Ike bashfully.

"We're going to all have to fight to get on that first flight," warned Wolf. "Did you see the clue? Only four teams can get on number one. And there's three of us, the birds are nowhere to be seen, and we know the girls are ahead."

"But there's also some stupid teams," smirked Ganondorf. "Did you see those pathetic superheroes do their Baywatch run out of the starting line?"

"You guys seem to know what you're doing," observed Luigi. "Any tips for a hopeful first eliminee?"

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Zounds-a!" cried Mario. "I think-a we're still last-a!"

"Holy elimination, Mario!" proclaimed Sonic. "We might just have to ask the commissioner for help!"

Sonic picked up the car phone and dialled the secret code from the cereal boxes.

"Commissioner?" asked Sonic, one hand still on the steering wheel.

"Watch out-a!" cried Mario in alarm.

"Damn, I'm on hold," cursed Sonic.

_Snake and Falcon  
__Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"Just passed Team Vegas!" cheered Falcon, waving out of the car.

"That is totally awesome!" smiled Snake. "Gimme some skin!"

Falcon leapt out of his seat and hugged Snake.

"Or a high-five," said Snake flatly, blushing a little.

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Currently in 9__th__ Place_

"Oh, I don't think so!" fumed Samus, drinking a road rage martini.

"Drinking and driving is highly against the wishes of Wright!" gasped Pikachu, showing Samus a Dr. Wright poster. "And the law, too!"

Police sirens sounded behind Samus and Pikachu.

"Aw, dammit!" yelled Samus.

A policeman stepped out of his car, walked up to Samus and Pikachu's car and walked away at once.

"It's okay Chief, they're reality TV stars!" called the policeman.

"Awesome!" cheered Samus, realising her potential. She revved up the car to insane speeds, ran over a few cars and drove off.

_Smashville Air Counter_

_Falco and King Dedede  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Okay, we got to find the marked counter, dawg," said Dedede, running into the airport.

"There's Peach and Zelda," noticed Falco, smirking. "Excuse me ladies, mind if we join your flight?"

"Yo, this ain't marked," said Dedede to Peach, as Zelda pulled a gun on Falco.

"We can't leave," whispered Peach, looking traumatised. "She'll hit me again."

_Marked Smashville Air Counter_

_Ike and Bowser  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Come on, let's go!" urged Ike, looking around for counters.

"Jigs, we'll go to Smashville Air, you go to the other one and we'll meet back up!" called Bowser, running out of the shuttle.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Okay!" grinned Jigglypuff, waving at Ike and Bowser. "Come on, Luigi!"

"I think they're tricking us!" smiled Luigi. "We might fall behind!"

_Ike and Bowser  
__1__st__ On Smashville Air Flight_

"When does this flight arrive in Canalave?" asked Bowser.

"1:00 tomorrow afternoon," replied the attendant, checking her computer.

"Sounds good, let's do it," decided Ike.

"I can't believe I managed to fool Luigi and Jigs so easily," Bowser chuckled. "Now they're going to be on the second flight!"

"Is this the first flight?" asked Ike dubiously.

"Yeah, probably," laughed Bowser.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Wolf and Ganondorf  
__1__st__ and 2__nd__ On Air Smashville Flight_

Wolf and Ganondorf ran up to Luigi and Jigglypuff's counter.

"Hey, when does this one land?" asked Ganondorf, panting heavily.

"This nice lady said 12:30 tomorrow afternoon!" smiled Jigglypuff. "What took you guys so long?"

"Lethargo here collapsed after two steps," snapped Wolf.

"I happen to be very stocky!" bellowed Ganondorf.

"Don't kill each other, kill me instead," argued Luigi.

"Just give us the damn tickets," Wolf snapped at the ticket agent.

"We're all such lovely friends!" cheered Jigglypuff. She then hugged Luigi. "Together forever!"

_Peach and Zelda  
__Falco and King Dedede_

"Hey, what are Mr. Ike and Mr. Bowser doing?" asked Peach.

"Drop the formal crap before I kill you again," retorted Zelda. "Looks like they're at a marked counter of some kind."

Peach, Zelda, Falco and King Dedede looked at the Amazing Race flags on Ike and Bowser's counter.

Peach, Zelda, Falco and King Dedede looked at the not Amazing Race flags on their own counter.

"Quick!" cried Falco, who was promptly trampled by Zelda.

"Ike! Bowser!" bellowed Zelda. "How many other teams are on your flight?"

"We shared a shuttle with the villains and that married couple," replied Bowser. "So unless **they fell for our trick and went to the other flight, **they're with us on this flight!"

Ike nudged Bowser. "Dude, ix-nay on the old-bay."

"Well, that means one of us two teams can still get on!" grinned Falco.

"Yeah boi!" cheered Dedede, adjusting the giant clock he was wearing. "Bowser, dawg, let us past to get tickets!"

"Screw you, dude!" scoffed Bowser. "We're too tough to be swayed by the likes of you!"

"Don't grip the counter so hard, you'll blister," advised Ike.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__Kirby and Meta-Knight  
__Samus and Pikachu  
__On 4__th__ Shuttle_

"Well that was an eventful ride," remarked Meta-Knight, awkwardly stepping out into the airport.

"Yes, I loved the part where you two crashed into our shuttle at 400mph and scared the hell out of the war vets," said Kirby bitterly, glaring at Samus and Pikachu.

"Just taking advantage of being celebrities," smirked Samus.

"You are possessed, harlot!" cried Pikachu, dousing Samus in 1-Up Energy Drink from his goblet.

"Everywhere, they're everywhere!" cried Mr. Game and Watch. "No escape!"

"See no, hear no, feel no, bleed no, sweat no, cry no..." muttered ROB, scared.

"Hey guys," said Falco, walking up to the three teams. "Ike and Bowser are holding one of the flights hostage. They bought tickets for other people and won't let anyone else on."

"What the fu-why?" asked Kirby angrily. "Hey! You! Ike! What do you think you're doing?"

"Yeah, if you've bought flights for other teams, where the hell are they?" joined in Samus.

"They must be checking something else out," smirked Ike. "Because we definitely didn't trick them as well!"

"We've got a ten versus one dynamic going here," Bowser told the camera. "Everyone hates Ike and I, it's hilarious!"

"Let us get tickets, private!" demanded ROB.

"I'm only a private in your little war game?" asked Ike, positively shocked. "Oh, you're definitely not getting in on this now!"

_Ness and Lucas  
__Currently in 10__th__ Place_

"Don't worry Ness," gurgled Lucas, as the cab filled with Ness' blood, "I'm sure we can pass teams at the airport!"

Ness was unconscious, bobbing on the surface.

_Snake and Falcon  
__On 5__th__ Shuttle_

Snake and Falcon walked into the airport, holding hands.

"Oh no, is something going on?" asked Snake, worried.

"Why are you two holding hands?" replied Meta-Knight, turning to greet the new arrivals.

"We were...using these friendly joy buzzers!" covered Snake. "Shake my hand!"

Meta-Knight grabbed Snake's hand.

Nothing happened.

Falcon slipped Pikachu 20 dollars. "Shock him."

"Violence is against the ways of the SimCity instruction manu-"began Pikachu indignantly.

Captain Falcon picked Pikachu up and slapped Meta-Knight with him.

"Joy buzzer!" smiled Snake reassuringly.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__On Air Smashville Flight_

Jigglypuff, completely oblivious to the six teams angrily confronting Ike and Bowser, dragged Luigi up to the counter.

"Hi Ike and Bowser!" smiled Jigglypuff. "Our flight lands at 12:30, when does yours land?"

Ike and Bowser looked stunned.

"1," replied Ike, dumbfounded.

"We can't change tickets," lamented Bowser. "Damn, we're idiots."

"Sorry everyone, we'll uh...we'll get out of your way now," said Ike, ashamed.

"What's he so depressed about?" asked Zelda forcefully. "Now then...ticket scramble!"

_Peach and Zelda  
__2__nd__ on Smashville Air Flight_

"That little plan failed, Ike and Bowser!" gloated Zelda, still not knowing that she was on the slow flight.

_Falco and King Dedede  
__3__rd__ on Smashville Air Flight_

"Yeah, up yours!" laughed Falco, taking his tickets.

"Yo, y'all got served!" chuckled Dedede.

_Kirby and Meta-Knight  
__Last on Smashville Air Flight_

"Take that, guys!" snarled Kirby, shoving people aside to get to the counter.

"Yeah, this is cool, we'll be ahead now for sure," smirked Meta-Knight, buying the tickets.

"Thanks for the free ride through this leg," grinned Kirby evilly at Ike and Bowser.

_Ness and Lucas  
__On 6__th__ Shuttle_

"Hey guys, what's going on?" asked Lucas, dragging Ness' body.

"Scramble for second flight tickets!" cried Mr. Game and Watch, among the teams dashing to the other counter. "It's an all-out brawl!"

Nobody noticed Ness was unconscious and both psychics were drenched in blood.

"Ah well, it's for the better I suppose," shrugged Lucas to nobody in particular.

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in Last Place_

KA-LAWSUIT! Mario and Sonic burst into the parking lot dramatically, and after running over some Japanese businessmen, they searched for the shuttle.

"Quickly-a, Sonic!" bellowed Mario in his 'super' voice. "Let's use our super-a powers to secure a shuttle!"

KA-CHING! Sonic handed a shuttle driver some money.

"Mission complete!" cheered Sonic, sitting down.

_Snake and Falcon  
__Currently in 9__th__ Place_

"So the kids just got here, and we're still waiting for the superheroes," explained Captain Falcon. "But not to worry, we'll all be on the bad flight together!"

Lucas looked at Snake and Falcon, and then tore off with Ness' body in tow.

"Well at least the heroes aren't here yet, baby!" smiled Snake.

Snake looked at the camera. "I mean dude. I am straight. I like women."

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__3__rd__ On Air Smashville Flight_

"You are number three on the flight!" barked the ticket agent. "This flight gets in half an hour earlier!"

"I salute you, curiously liberal ticket agent!" saluted ROB, saluting.

...

ROB slapped the ticket agent.

_Ness and Lucas  
__4__th__ on Air Smashville Flight_

"Wow, we might actually survive the leg now!" Lucas grinned confidently.

Ness' head lolled to one side.

_Samus and Pikachu  
__5__th__ on Air Smashville Flight_

"Praise all my lords, we are superior today!" praised Pikachu.

"Yeah, let's all get hammered to celebrate!" cheered Samus.

"My lady, last time you got this drunk it resulted in our matrimony," pointed out Pikachu.

"And I'm goin' for kids!" cried Samus drunkenly.

_Mario and Sonic  
__6__th__ on Air Smashville Flight_

"Use the powers of wishing!" cried Sonic's faint voice from the distance.

"I believe-a!" echoed Mario's equally faint voice.

Mario and Sonic jumped out of the shuttle at such a force that they ripped the tickets out of the ticket agent's hand. Or to be more accurate, Mario and Sonic hijacked the shuttle and crashed into the queue, ripping off the ticket agent's hand which was holding tickets.

"Another victory!" celebrated Sonic.

_Snake and Falcon  
__Last on Air Smashville Flight_

"Golly, Mr. Heroes!" sulked Snake. "You didn't have to cut in line!"

"Good news, chums!" grinned Sonic. "According to the Flight Time Ray I conveniently always carry for this scene, our flight is actually the better one!"

"That is good news!" smiled Falcon.

"And according-a to my Gaydar, both of you are utter-a raging homose-" began Mario, taking out his device.

"YOU WILL REPRESS THOSE THOUGHTS IMMEDIATELY!" bellowed Snake and Falcon at each other immediately.

_Ness and Lucas  
__On Air Smashville Flight_

"Ness?" asked Lucas timidly. "How you doing, buddy?"

Lucas poked Ness in the arm. A fountain of blood issued from Ness' mouth.

"Oh dear," worried Lucas. "I might just have to call a doctor!"

"I'm a doctor!" smiled a friendly mugger-um-stranger. "I just recently dropped out-I mean graduated medical school!"

"Oh cool!" smiled Lucas. "I'm worried about my friend here!"

The "doctor" closely examined Ness.

"Is he usually unconscious?" asked the stranger.

"No, not intentionally," replied Lucas.

"Well, follow me to my hospital and I'll fix him!" smiled the stranger, leading Lucas away.

"Hey thanks!" smiled Lucas. He looked at the sign. "Wow, this hospital is trendy! You've even wrote "H0zP1tl" on the sign for the hip kids of today, and it's in an alleyway so we can get fresh air!"

_Kirby and Meta-Knight  
__On Smashville Air Flight_

"What are all those guys so happy about?" asked Kirby, pointing over at the teams on the other flight.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you, this is actually the crap flight," replied Ike casually.

"Oh bother," replied Meta-Knight. "Ah well, as long as we don't come last, eh Kirby? Uh...Kirby?"

Kirby was slitting his wrists with Meta-Knight's sword.

"We're boarding now," said Meta-Knight. "And I think it would be better if I handled my sword from now on."

"Like you do in the shower?" asked Kirby.

Wacky sitcom roommate music played.

_Ness and Lucas  
__On Air Smashville Flight_

"Are you going to be done in an hour?" called Lucas, sitting in the 'waiting room', which consisted of a cardboard box.

"I'm bandaging your friend up!" replied the mugger, stapling Ness' stomach wounds together. "Then I have to surgically remove the wallet!"

Lucas' jaw dropped.

"Gland. The wallet gland," covered the mugger.

Without warning, the mugger plunged his hand into Ness' stomach.

"What are you doing?" gasped Lucas. "I need to catch a flight!"

"WILL YOU JUST FORKING LET ME OPERATE?" screamed the mugger, pulling a gun on Lucas.

"Oh no, I don't want to get eliminated this way!" despaired Lucas. "Can't any kind heroes save me?"

_Mario and Sonic  
__On Air Smashville Flight_

"Can you sense that, Mario?" asked Sonic, using his 'powers'.

"What-a, what is happening-a?" asked Mario.

"I'm sensing that one of our fellow teams is in jeopardy!" panicked Sonic.

"No, Sonic-a, we're on The Amazing Race," reprimanded Mario. "It's-a Yoshi and Donkey Kong-a who went on Jeopardy."

"Oh that's right," remembered Sonic.

_Ness and Lucas  
__On Air Smashville Flight_

The mugger pulled the safety.

Lucas whimpered.

"Hey guys!" grinned Ness, jumping up suddenly.

"Ness, what the hell is going on?" asked Lucas nervously.

"I'm not really hurt!" laughed Ness. "It was all an elaborate hoax! The mugger was in on it too!"

"Shut up or the kid gets it!" yelled the mugger, poking the side of Lucas' head with the gun.

"Show's over, you card!" chuckled Ness. He limped over to the door out of the alleyway. "Come on, Lucas, we've got a plane to catch!"

"B-but the blood and the passing out!" stammered Lucas.

"None of it was real!" smiled Ness, getting paler.

Ness limped into the airport, with a confused Lucas close behind.

_Mario and Sonic  
__On Air Smashville Flight_

TICKET! Mario and Sonic showed their plane tickets.

BOARD! Mario and Sonic got on the plane.

POW! Mario and Sonic sat down.

INFLIGHT MEAL! It was chicken.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__On Air Smashville Flight_

"We're in the first seven, and looking at some of our competition, staying in will be cake," scoffed Wolf.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__On Air Smashville Flight_

"I can't believe we're on a flydee-plane!" cheered Jigglypuff. "Isn't it great, sweetie?"

Luigi frantically tried to undo his seatbelt.

_Ness and Lucas_

"Run! Run! Run!" cried Ness, limping.

_Snake and Falcon  
__On Air Smashville Flight_

"Are you ordering the chicken as well?" asked Snake. "I don't want to eat too much, or I'll feel like a cow!"

"Yeah, too many calories, I'll skip this meal too!" laughed Falcon.

...

"Not that I'm worried about my figure or anything," said Snake quickly.

"I know, me neither," agreed Falcon.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__On Air Smashville Flight_

"This is what they call the calm before the storm," said Mr. Game and Watch quietly. "Any minute now all hell will break loose!"

"A TERRORIST PLOT!" ROB gasped suddenly, firing a machine gun at a cup holder.

"Nowhere is safe!" panicked Mr. Game and Watch, wildly throwing a Swiss army knife out of the plane window.

_Ness and Lucas_

"I think we can make it," smiled a relieved Lucas, spotting the ticket counter.

"And there's the plane out there!" noticed Ness.

A Swiss Army knife landed in Lucas' back.

"Oh, how unfortunate," commented Ness, re-stapling a stomach wound.

_Samus and Pikachu  
__On Air Smashville Flight_

"Ah, with the first flight, I am another step closer to the blessed victory!" chuckled Pikachu. "Or should I say, the blessed _Wright_try! Ahaha!"

Samus paused in the middle of bogarting every shot-glass on the plane. "See, this is why I drink."

_Ness and Lucas  
__On Air Smashville Flight_

Ness and Lucas stumbled onto the plane, both bleeding.

"Uh...complimentary painkillers?" asked a real medic, holding out some drugs.

"Please," sighed a tired Lucas, grabbing a pill and swallowing it.

"Haha, know what? That wasn't a painkiller, that was Viagra instead!" chuckled Ness, taking a painkiller.

Lucas looked down.

...

"Of course it was," Lucas sighed.

"_All teams are currently flying from Smashville to Canalave City, Sinnoh!" said Crazy Hand. "The first flight which left second carries Mario and Sonic, Luigi and Jigglypuff, Wolf and Ganondorf, Snake and Falcon, ROB and Mr. Game and Watch, Samus and Pikachu, and Ness and Lucas! The second flight which left first carries Falco and King Dedede, Ike and Bowser, Kirby and Meta-Knight, and Peach and Zelda!"_

"_Once teams arrive in Canalave City, they must take a bus to Canalave Library, where they will find their next clue in a book!"_

"_Will the four teams half an hour behind make it to the front of the pack? And who will be the first team eliminated?"_

_12:30pm  
__Air Smashville Flight Landed_

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

KA-BUS!

"I got bus information-a!" grinned Mario. "Let's get that library-a!"

"And I'll use my heat vision to stop the other teams!" declared Sonic.

Sonic glared angrily at the six teams behind him.

"We're good heroes-a!" smiled Mario happily.

Sonic glared angrily at the six teams behind him.

The bus pulled up.

"Can I help you?" asked the driver.

"Yes, we would like to ride your bus ma'am," replied Sonic, glaring angrily at the six teams behind him.

"Ma'am?" repeated the weight-lifting champion of Sinnoh who doubled as a bus driver.

_Snake and Falcon  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Looks like we're in for a long ride together!" remarked Falcon as Sonic was beaten into a bloody pulp.

"I like women, dammit!" yelled Snake defensively.

"I meant on the bus!" said Falcon, alarmed.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"We stepped on the bus third," noticed Mr. Game and Watch, his not-even-eyes darting around suspiciously. "Third as in third world. I sure hope this doesn't mean we wind up poor and hungry, having to be saved by liberals, hippies, and other _decent_ people!"

"Let's make sure not to lose our passports just in case!" alerted ROB. "Only an idiot would do that!"

"All I know about Kazakhstan is from Borat," said Mr. Game and Watch.

ROB gave him a weird look.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Want to hear something devilishly fiendish?" asked Ganondorf invitingly.

"Always," replied Wolf.

"I slashed the tyres," cackled Ganondorf.

"On the second bus?" checked Wolf.

"Oh...." muttered Ganondorf.

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"That was a hefty bus fare," noticed Pikachu, counting the rest of his money. "I sure hope we have enough for the rest of the leg!"

Samus noticed a sleeping old man next to them.

"Let's steal his money!" cackled Samus.

"My word, thou shalt not steal!" reprimanded Pikachu. "Surely you realise that if you steal you will-"

Samus reached into the old man's pocket for his wallet.

"-lake of fire-"

Samus threw the old man's credit cards and prescription drugs out of the window.

"-Alabama-"

Samus took a hundred dollars.

"Gosh, you're right!" gasped Samus.

"Thou shalt not interrupt!" reprimanded Pikachu. "If you interrupt, you will-"

Samus hit her head against the chair in front angrily.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Now listen, Luigi," said Jigglypuff. "We need to make sure we're the bestest team on this bus!"

"Yes, we want to win that free elimination," replied Luigi dryly.

"So we need teamwork!" continued Jigglypuff.

"So you're going to give me a pep talk lecture?" asked Luigi.

"No, I'm going to handcuff myself to you!" smiled Jigglypuff.

"What? That's just stu-"

Jigglypuff was handcuffed to Luigi.

_Ness and Lucas  
__Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"I can't believe everyone is picking on us!" said Ness, outraged. "On that flight alone I was pantsed, wedgied, noogied, wet willied, and made fun of for my abnormally large head!"

Lucas was thrown out of a bush next to Ness, face-first.

"I was thrown out of the plane as a prank and kidnapped," replied Lucas.

"Oh," noticed Ness.

They got on the bus.

"Hi, my name's Ness!" smiled Ness, making conversation with the team sitting behind him.

"I'll kill you at the pit stop," replied Wolf casually.

"The other teams are friendly!" smiled Ness. "Don't you think so, Lucas?"

"Um, not really," squirmed Lucas, between Snake and Falcon.

"Come on, Snake and Falcon are so friendly that they have their hands in your pockets!" smiled Ness. "The only other guy I know who was friendly enough to do that was my Uncle Steve!"

Ness crossed the bus to ROB and Mr. Game and Watch's seats.

"Hi, I'm Ness!" grinned Ness in a friendly manner.

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch threw their hands up in the air.

"What's in the backpack?" asked ROB cautiously.

"Why, it's my lu-" began Ness, but Mr. Game and Watch pinned him to the floor.

"HE'S GOT A BOMB!" screamed Mr. Game and Watch.

"Yeah, the teams are real friendly," scoffed Lucas, being felt up by Snake and Falcon while the veterans gave Ness a cavity search.

_1:00pm  
__2__nd__ Flight Landed_

_Peach and Zelda  
__Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"I can't believe we're in the back with these losers!" shouted an angry Zelda. "It's your fault!"

"Miss Zelda, be reasonable!" reprimanded Peach. "You were the one who-"

Zelda slowly lifted a knife.

"It's my fault," said Peach in a resigned tone.

_Canalave Library_

"Detonate the device now!" cried Mr. Game and Watch, stealing Ness' bag as ROB opened the bus window.

ROB took the bag and threw it out at the library, which exploded, killing most of the Canalavian population.

The book clue landed in front of the seven teams' bus, and they scrambled out to steal it.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Can you decode the cipher from HQ?" asked Mr. Game and Watch urgently, putting on a bandana.

"Yes, it appears to be plain English," noticed ROB, checking his sensors.

"Diabolical," cursed Mr. Game and Watch. "Make your way to Oreburgh Mines..."

"_Teams must now take a cab to Oreburgh City and find the Oreburgh Mines!" said Crazy Hand. "Here, teams will find their next clue!"_

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Sweet, mines," said Wolf urgently. "Flag down a cab!"

Ganondorf pulled out a handgun and ran to the middle of the street. A cab swerved to avoid him, crushing a small girl to death.

"Got it!" called Ganondorf, getting in.

"Get to Oreburgh Mines!" yelled Wolf, punching the dazed driver.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Quick, get to the mines as fast as possible!" urged Luigi, getting into a cab.

"Wow, you've got a new zest for the race!" smiled Jigglypuff.

"Yeah totally!" lied Luigi, researching ways miners died in the old days on his Blackberry.

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Mario, I think it's time to use our superhero call to alert the nation that we need a cab!" declared Sonic, pulling out a special device.

Mario nodded, and used the device to send a 'Mario and Sonic' symbol into the air.

...

"Look-a!" cried Mario, pointing at his signal. "It's-a the Mario and Sonic symbol-a! Somebody needs us-a!"

Mario and Sonic dramatically ran around in a circle.

"We're here, what's the danger?" asked Sonic dramatically.

A cab pulled up and Mario and Sonic got in.

"We saved the day once again!" cheered Mario and Sonic together.

"We're-a the greatest heroes ever!" grinned Mario.

"Hecks yeah!" replied Sonic, punching the air.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

The veterans' placing comically changed as they were passed by three cabs.

"Hey, you guys need to go to Oreburgh?" asked a local.

"WHO TOLD YOU THAT?" screamed ROB. "Who are you working for? Who provided you with that intel?!"

"On second thought, it's within walking distance," replied the local angrily, walking off. "Jerk."

"But everyone else is in cabs!" noticed Mr. Game and Watch.

"We'll have to infiltrate the mines on foot," realised ROB. "You got your camo on?"

"Yes, sir!" saluted Mr. Game and Watch, completely black.

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch began employing their secret espionage techniques to walk to Oreburgh.

_Snake and Falcon  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Look, ROB and Mr. Game and Watch are doing things I do in my game!" noticed Snake. "Follow them?"

"What kind of things?" asked Falcon sexily.

"Sneaking around under cover of darkness," replied Snake.

"Yeah, let's do that," purred Falcon.

"Okay, let's follow them!" decided Snake, following them.

...

"Hey, why are you pulling out your p-"

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Hey, Pikachu, you're a Pokemon, right?" asked Samus.

Pikachu blinked.

"_Yes,_" replied Pikachu in a condescending tone.

"So you know where to go, right?" asked Samus in a patronising manner.

"Yes, we go right here," replied Pikachu, getting in a cab.

"Oh, well that makes sense," realised Samus. "I had no idea being a Pokemon was so easy! All I have to do is say my own name and follow you! Samus! Samus!"

"Actually I speak English," replied Pikachu.

"Samus! Samus!" said Samus.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Wait, I'm confused," said Ganondorf, travelling along in the stolen cab. "If we commit so many crimes, we lie, steal, and threaten people, why don't we ever get pulled over by the police?"

"Maybe it's like some kind of awareness thing," replied Wolf. "We don't get pulled over until we mention the police themselves!"

A police car drove up to Wolf and Ganondorf.

"Floor it!" cried Ganondorf to the driver.

"Step on the damn gas!" roared Wolf, pulling out his Blaster.

"As fast as you can!" urged Ganondorf.

"Why did you have to mention the police?" asked Wolf angrily. "Can't you be a whiny bitch like last season?"

"Like, that hurt my feelings!" whined Ganondorf. "Roooooy!"

"Who?" asked Wolf, confused.

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Hey, wait!" noticed Pikachu. "I think we're passing cabs at an alarmingly fast rate! Driver, are we speeding again?"

"No, we're passing them by magic," replied the driver sarcastically.

"Samus, reason with this man!" urged Pikachu.

"Samus! Samus!" declared Samus.

Pikachu sighed, and then counted the cabs behind him.

Samus and Pikachu passed Wolf and Ganondorf.

"Oh, never mind, we're first," noticed Pikachu.

_Oreburgh City_

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Right, Samus, do you see anything that looks like a mine?" asked Pikachu.

"Samus! Samus!" replied Samus.

"Oh, come _on_," said Pikachu angrily.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"I guess we're the two fastest teams when it comes to driving and cabs!" called Ganondorf. "Hey, Samus! Maybe we should work together!"

"You're kidding, right?" asked Wolf. "We don't work with anyone!"

"Come on Wolf, I'm sure they're smarter than Luigi and Jigs were when we hung out with them!" reasoned Ganondorf.

"Samus! Samus!" chirped Samus, scampering around on all fours.

"Let's be independent..." sighed Ganondorf.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Can you believe those people, Luigi?" asked Jigglypuff, sprinting into the city. "Speeding right past us just because we're a good team!"

"I know, it's awesome, I hope more people do it!" grinned Luigi brightly.

"I mean we're a big threat as racers!" continued Jigglypuff. "So I understand if they got a bit intimidated!"

"Yeah, maybe they'll kill us," said Luigi. "That'd show them."

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Uh-oh, the other married couple got here," noticed Pikachu. "Quick, Samus! We have to convince them that our relationship is more blessed than theirs!"

"Samus! Samus!" said Samus.

Pikachu sighed, then looking over at Luigi and Jigglypuff, he grabbed Samus and made out with her. Loudly.

"What the hell are you doing?" asked Samus, going out of Pokemon mode.

"There, that worked," grinned Pikachu, looking groggy.

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Have no fear, other three teams!" proclaimed Sonic, dramatically jumping over the city limit sign. "Your heroes have arrived!"

"And I'm sure if we work together-a, we can find the mines with our super powers of observation-a!" declared Mario.

Nobody listened.

_Ness and Lucas  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Did you see the vets and the two guys running instead of taking cabs?" asked Ness. "Sure serves them right!"

"Yeah," agreed Lucas, getting out of the cab. "Karma...and whatever..."

Ness' stitch burst open and his gooey organs leaked all over the ground.

"Looks that there's more karma right there!" chuckled Ness heartily.

"I wonder how the running teams are doing?" asked Lucas.

_The Highways of Sinnoh_

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Snake and Falcon are right behind us!" gasped Mr. Game and Watch, clutching a stitch in his only side as he ran.

"Snake's a military fellow, too!" realised ROB. "We ought to make an alliance!"

"But we've fallen behind all the other civilians," pointed out Mr. Game and Watch. "We should have cross-checked our intel from the clue!"

"The clue would not lie to us!" bellowed ROB. "Unless...of course! The Amazing Race is run by communists!"

_Snake and Falcon  
__Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Man, all this running's getting me sweaty!" complained Falcon.

"Yeah, I need some kind of long bubble bath," agreed Snake. "With plenty of warm, exfoliating water!"

"Yes, and I could rub some relaxing bath salts into the rough, coarse skin all over your arms!" nodded Falcon, perking up slightly.

Snake nodded vigorously, "The excitement would steadily build, until-"

The cameraman stared, wide-eyed.

Snake coughed, and put on a macho voice. "Until I kicked you out of my bathroom and took a straight, manly shower!"

"Meanwhile, I would be back home! With women!" said Falcon, putting on a macho voice.

"You guys creep me out," said the cameraman bluntly.

"Look! We're in Oreburgh!" cried Snake, distracting everyone.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Well, now that we arrived in Oreburgh," began Mr. Game and Watch.

"No thanks to the corrupt fascists over at CBS!" yelled ROB angrily and pointedly.

"We should probably find the mines!" finished Mr. Game and Watch. "You there! Where are the mines?"

"Gosh, I don't know," replied a local.

Mr. Game and Watch slit his throat.

"What the hell was that for?" asked his friend, pointing accusingly at Mr. Game and Watch.

"LOOK OUT! HE HAS A GUN!" screamed ROB.

"What? No I don't!" panicked the friend.

"Are you arguing with me?" asked ROB, taking out a machine gun.

"Yes!" profused the friend angrily.

ROB shot the friend so hard with his machine gun that he died. Yes, both of them.

_Canalave Library_

_Falco and King Dedede  
__Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"Oreburgh Mines!" read Falco. "Come on, Deeds!"

Dedede was staring at a cookbook.

"What's that you've got there?" asked Falco.

"Ch-check it," replied Dedede shakily, showing Falco his book.

"'How To Cook Birds, Especially Falcons And Penguins'," read Falco. "Dude! Where did you get that book?"

_Peach and Zelda  
__Currently in 9__th__ Place_

"Okay, Falco and Dedede are distracted," grinned Zelda.

"I still don't know why you gave him that book," said Peach.

"Hey look, it's 'How To Cook Snooty Rich Girls!" noticed Zelda evilly, thrusting a book at Peach. "See? Some evil chef has melted this redhead's face! How delightful!"

"Actually, it's the novelisation to the Sex and the City movie," noticed Peach, reading the book.

...

Zelda shot Peach so hard that she died. Yes, both of them.

_Ike and Bowser  
__Currently in 10__th__ Place_

"Oreburgh Mines, baby!" grinned Ike. "And look at our competition!"

Peach and Zelda were dead, and Falco and King Dedede were throwing up. Kirby and Meta-Knight looked back at Ike, and flipped him off and rolled their eyes respectively.

"It is pretty good that we're in the back of the pack with the hot chicks," smiled Bowser lecherously.

"They're dead," noticed Ike. "Bummer."

"That never stops meeeee!" cheered Bowser in a high voice.

Ike gave him a weird look.

_Kirby and Meta-Knight  
__Currently in Last Place_

"I can't believe it!" panicked Kirby. "We're going to be last in the first leg!"

"Whatever, I came last last season too," shrugged Meta-Knight.

"Hey, shut up!" argued Kirby. "I'm trying to make compelling television! That's your problem, you're just too boring!"

"Whatever, your face is boring," replied Meta-Knight.

"And stop with the immature cracks, you jackass!" shouted Kirby.

"Whatever, your face is an immature crack," replied Meta-Knight.

_Oreburgh Mines_

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"There's the mines!" shouted Ganondorf. "Go, go, go!"

"Don't worry, I'll just use some violence!" replied Wolf. He pulled out a knife and threw it backwards. It slashed Luigi's ankles.

"Yes, slow me down!" cheered Luigi from afar.

"Nice job!" praised Ganondorf. He reached the cluebox and pulled out a clue. "Pull one of three departure times..."

"_Teams must now search the mines for one of three departure times for tomorrow morning!" said Crazy Hand. "What the teams don't know is that the three times are 8:00am, 8:30am, and 9:00am! Once a team pulls off a ticket with a time on it, they may not exchange it for a better time! Once teams have their times, they must find this campsite in the mines, where they must spend the night!"_

"Alright, let's go," said Wolf. "Make sure you get a good look at the time before you do anything stupid!"

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Okay, try to get one as late as possible," said Luigi, after reading the clue.

"Okay sweetie!" smiled Jigglypuff, walking down the mines.

Jigglypuff came to two tickets near each other: 8:30 and 9:00.

"Which one should I take?" asked Jigglypuff.

"Take 9! Take 9!" shouted Luigi.

Jigglypuff pulled off an 8:30am ticket.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__1__st__ for 8:30am Departure_

"What the hell was that?" asked Luigi angrily.

"This is the later one!" replied Jigglypuff defensively. "9 plus 00 is 9, but 8 plus 30 is 38! That's like more than four times as slow!"

"You're an idiot!" wailed Luigi, sobbing.

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Once you pick a time, you can't change it," read Pikachu.

"Right, let's go," decided Samus.

"Can you see in the dark?" asked Pikachu, worried.

"I can with my medicine!" smiled Samus, taking out a beer bong.

"I highly disapprove with your methods!" argued Pikachu. "I find them morally objective, and I think you should-"

Samus ran up to an 8:00 departure time and ripped it off the wall.

_Samus and Pikachu  
__1__st__ for 8:00am Departure_

"Oh," replied Pikachu.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__2__nd__ for 8:00am Departure_

"I found the campsite," said Wolf.

"I found an 8:00 departure time," said Ganondorf.

"Oh, that's cool, I guess there's nothing to do but put stuff in the marked sleeping bags," reasoned Wolf.

"I agree," said Ganondorf, putting horse manure into Ness and Lucas' marked sleeping bags.

_Ness and Lucas  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Pull one of three departure times," read Ness. "Let's go, all the good ones might be gone!"

"Oh I hope nobody did anything to our sleeping bags!" Lucas panicked.

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Once you have a ticket, you can't change it!" read Sonic. "Hey there little boys, feel like combining forces with some real men?"

Ness screamed and ran away.

"Uh...noooo...you guys are like, the worst superheroes ever," said Lucas.

"What?!" asked Sonic, outraged. "Mario and I have way more superpowers than you!"

"Lucas, I found a 9:00am ticket!" called Ness. "Should I pull it?"

"No, my psychic powers are telling me that there might be a better one!" called Lucas back.

"Psychic powers, yeah right," scoffed Sonic. "I can fly, and I have super speed!"

"Fly?" asked Lucas suspiciously.

"Watch me!" grinned Sonic cockily.

Sonic jumped into an open mine shaft.

_Ness and Lucas  
__2__nd__ for 8:30am Departure_

Ness came back with an 8:30 ticket.

"What happened to Sonic?" asked Ness.

"He's flying," replied Lucas dryly, watching Sonic plummet to his death.

_Mario and Sonic  
__Last for 8:30am Departure_

"Sonic-a! I'll save you!" declared Mario.

Mario jumped down the mine shaft, and returned five seconds later holding Sonic's dead body.

"Jumpman saves-a the day!" smiled Mario proudly. "Now to revive S-hey-a, is that a ticket?"

Mario pulled the ticket, kicking aside Sonic's body.

Sonic fell down the open mine shaft again.

_Mario and Sonic  
__Interview before leg_

"Everyone should be willing to help us, we're the kind heroes of the race!" said Sonic. "The least likely thing to happen would be us dying in a mine shaft!"

"We're gonna play-a nice, because our hearts are pure-a!" smiled Mario.

_Mario and Sonic  
__Last for 8:30am Departure_

POW! Mario rescued Sonic's body again, and used it to hit Ness and Lucas with.

"Jerks-a!" shouted Mario, performing CPR on Sonic.

KA-RESUSCITATION! Sonic sprang up once more.

_Snake and Falcon  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Search the mines for departure times," read Falcon.

"That's bad..." sighed Snake.

"Once you have a time, you must spend the night together," read Falcon.

"That's good!" grinned Snake slyly.

"In the mines," finished Falcon.

"That's bad..." sighed Snake.

Captain Falcon walked up to two tickets.

"Here's an 8:00am...and a 9:00am..." said Falcon. "Snake, which is better?"

Snake opened his mouth to respond, and then closed it again. Both men looked stumped.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"I can't believe those commies made us run that far!" complained ROB. "There should be cabs or something!"

"Search the mines for departure times," read Mr. Game and Watch. "Let's get this done!"

"What if the mines are stockpiling sinister biological warfare?" asked ROB.

"No, they're hiding WMDs instead," remarked Mr. Game and Watch.

...

"WMDs!" screamed ROB and Mr. Game and Watch, defusing mine carts and rocks.

_Snake and Falcon  
__Last for 8:00am Departure_

"Hopefully this '8 is better than 9' risk we're taking proves useful!" worried Snake.

"Say, do you hear explosions?" asked Falcon.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Okay, we've defused all mines!" said Mr. Game and Watch through a radio he found. "What next, General?"

"Look! It's a diabolical terrorist scheme!" noticed ROB. "That is not a military radio, but in fact an iPod!"

Mr. Game and Watch screamed and shot it several times.

"They're sabotaging our communication lines!" cried Mr. Game and Watch.

The sound of a bus parking was heard from outside.

"OH DEAR GOD THEY'RE HERE TO KILL US!" screamed Mr. Game and Watch.

_Peach and Zelda  
__Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"Search the mines for departure times," read Peach. "I just hope there's a good one left!"

"Dammit, the veterans are still looking," noticed Zelda, pointing down the narrow mine shaft at ROB and Mr. Game and Watch cowering. "They'll just get in our way!"

"Oh dear," replied Peach, looking on the mine walls for tickets.

Suddenly, Zelda dashed forward in a military uniform all of a sudden.

"ALRIGHT MAGGOTS!" bellowed Zelda in a gruff Southern accent. "You **will** march down into the mines and pull the ticket with the latest time possible! Do it or the enemy wins!"

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch looked at each other, and then sprinted off down the mines, firing machine guns wildly.

"Wow, that was a good move!" smiled Peach, taking a random ticket.

_Peach and Zelda  
__1__st__ for 9:00am Departure_

A rattlesnake sound played.

"Aww..." sighed Peach, dropping and giving Zelda twenty push-ups.

_Falco and King Dedede  
__Currently in 9__th__ Place_

"Check it, we have to get 'da timez," noticed King Dedede, looking over at Peach.

"Peach, what time did you get?" asked Falco.

"She got a 9:00am," spat Zelda, spitting spitefully on Peach.

"O...kay..." said Falco, stepping backwards. "I guess that's all that's left!"

_Falco and King Dedede  
__2__nd__ for 9:00am Departure_

"I sure hopizzle so'," chuckled Dedede, ripping a 9:00am ticket off of the wall.

"Hey, look!" smiled Falco. "Cave graffiti!"

Falco looked at the graffiti. "Bite us, teams on second bus. Especially those two _bird_ guys..."

"Yo, that's wack!" protested Dedede.

"Those damn racists!" cried Falco angrily. "I hate them! I hate them all!"

"A'ight," replied Dedede in a rapper manner.

"And I hate you," added Falco.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__3__rd__ for 9:00am Departure_

"We're back, slave driver-I mean, Major Zelda!" called Mr. Game and Watch, proudly holding a 9:00am ticket.

"I'm not in the army any more," said Zelda, her deed done.

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch saluted.

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch looked at their departure time.

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch cried.

_Ike and Bowser  
__Currently in 10__th__ Place_

"Alright, what kind of kickass stunt are we doing in this mine?" asked Ike. "I'm ready for anything! Gonna seriously impress some chicks with my mad skills!"

"Pulling departure times," replied Bowser.

"Oh, good, I don't like things that are scary and dangerous," said Ike.

Ike daintily skipped and pranced over to a 9:00am ticket and tickled it with his fairy wand until it came down.

_Ike and Bowser  
__4__th__ for 9:00am Departure_

"What?" asked Ike, seeing the look on Bowser's face.

_Kirby and Meta-Knight  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Last clue, ho-hum," sighed Meta-Knight.

"Oh, that's awesome!" shouted Kirby angrily. "Ness might have sucked last season, but he was better than you! We're going to get eliminated because of this! I hate you!"

Meta-Knight pulled the last ticket.

_Kirby and Meta-Knight  
__Last for 9:00am Departure_

"I'm so moving out once we get back home!" protested Kirby. "I'm moving across the hall!"

"What 'across the hall'?" asked Meta-Knight. "We live on my ship, you'd plummet to your death!"

Kirby hugged Meta-Knight.

"I'm sowwwy..." sniffed Kirby, bug-eyed.

_Oreburgh Mine Campsite_

"Goodnight everyone!" smiled Ness cheerily. He hopped into his sleeping bag. "Oh, that's warm!"

Lucas sighed, and rolled over in his cow manure.

"It worked!" laughed Ganondorf. In an evil manner.

_Oreburgh Mine Campsite – Morning_

The eleven teams all woke up and got ready in a fairly uninteresting manner.

"Wow Luigi, it's such a nice day today!" smiled Jigglypuff pleasantly, not able to see the sun. "I hope all our buddies are ready for a fantastic day of racing!"

"Yeah, whatever," replied Luigi dryly.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the campsite, the birds were nervously being interrogated by cameramen.

"Things are pretty tense right now," Falco told the camera. "We still have a Detour to do, and we all know that by this time tomorrow, one of us will be the first ones eliminated."

"Yo, it betta' not be us, dawg," replied King Dedede.

"Can you use a more tolerable dialogue?" asked the cameraman.

"Whatchoo mean?" asked Dedede, dropping it like it was of a high temperature.

"It's just...I've never been a fan of...your kind..." said the cameraman nervously.

"What kind is that?" asked Falco dangerously.

"Bir-" began the cameraman, but Falco pulled out his Blaster.

"I advise you choose your next words carefully!" shouted Falco.

"_When teams depart from the mines, they must travel back up to mainland Oreburgh and find Oreburgh Gym!" said Crazy Hand. "Here, teams will find their next clue!"_

"_The first group, departing at 8:00am, contains Wolf and Ganondorf, Samus and Pikachu, and Snake and Falcon! The second group, departing at 8:30am, contains Luigi and Jigglypuff, Ness and Lucas, and Mario and Sonic! Last to depart, one hour after the first group, is Kirby and Meta-Knight, Falco and King Dedede, Ike and Bowser, Peach and Zelda, and ROB and Mr. Game and Watch!"_

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Samus and Pikachu  
__Snake and Falcon  
__1__st__ to Depart, 8:00am_

The three lead teams sprinted out of the mines first, and ran up to the gym at nearly the same time.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Villains_

"Make your way to..." read Wolf.

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Married in Vegas_

"...the base of Mt. Coronet..." read Pikachu.

_Snake and Falcon  
__Friends_

"...to find your next clue!" read Snake.

"There are more buses over here, hurry!" cried Falcon, getting into the bus behind the villains and the....vegasers.

"Nooooo!" cried Snake, doing a dramatic leap onto the bus.

"We're not Mario and Sonic," said Falcon.

"Oh, right," said Snake, checking the script. "Um....some kind of innuendo?"

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Ness and Lucas  
__Mario and Sonic  
__2__nd__ to Depart, 8:30am_

Mario and Sonic used their super-gadgets (a stick) to distract (bludgeon) the other two teams with, and they dashed to the gym at supersonic and Mario's own running speeds.

"Good eyes, Mario!" grinned Sonic.

"Thank-a you, I stole them!" smiled Mario suspiciously.

_Ness and Lucas  
__Students_

"Where's Oreburgh Gym?" asked Lucas.

"What does a gym look like?" asked Ness. "I always skipped gym class because of the bullies!"

"Ness, Coach Bailey was not a bully!" said Lucas. "He wanted you to take off your clothes because you had to put the football uniform on!"

_Coach Bailey_

Coach Bailey watched the surveillance camera tapes of Smashville High School alone at home.

"Coach, I don't want to take my shirt off!" whined Ness' voice on the TV.

"Jackpot," smirked Coach Bailey evilly.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Arranged Marriage_

"The gym's got to be somewhere around here!" panicked Jigglypuff.

"Yes, who knows where on Earth it could be," said Luigi sarcastically, leaning against the street sign that pointed to the gym so Jigglypuff couldn't see it.

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"I don't think-a the other two teams-a are blessed with such vision-a super powers like us-a!" laughed Mario, getting the clue.

"Make your way to the base of Mt. Coronet," read Sonic. "Team Mario and Sonic, away!"

Dramatic music.

"Oh, we have to walk to the bus ourselves," said Sonic sadly, walking.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Arranged Marriage_

"Come on, Luigi!" smiled Jigglypuff. "Let's ask someone here if they know how to find Oreburgh Gym!"

Jigglypuff grabbed Luigi's hand and ran inside Oreburgh Gym. She accidentally nudged the cluebox.

"Pardon me, mister!" apologised Jigglypuff.

The cluebox ignored her.

"Jerk!" snapped Jigglypuff.

Luigi frantically painted a fake face on the cluebox before being dragged away again.

_Ness and Lucas  
__Students_

"Ness, don't you think we should start looking for the gym?" asked Lucas.

"COACH BAILEY, NO! NOT LIKE THIS!" sobbed Ness hysterically.

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Wait a second-a!" realised Mario. "We don't have to walk to the bus-a!"

KA-CAB! Mario called a cab.

"Wow, that's quick thinking, sidekick!" declared Sonic.

"I'm-a not the sidekick, you are-a," retorted Mario angrily.

"_I think the other teams didn't take kindly to our team dynamic," said Sonic in a voice-over. "But we'll show them! After all, we're the most fully functioning team!"_

"Shut up sidekick!" screamed Sonic.

Mario and Sonic got into a wild fistfight in the back seat of the cab.

_Mt. Coronet  
__1__st__ Bus Arrived_

Wolf and Ganondorf sprinted out of the bus first.

"We're the fastest team in the front of the pack, we've got this leg all wrapped up!" grinned Wolf confidently.

"No way, there's the heroes!" gasped Ganondorf, looking at a cab appearing on the horizon.

"Quick!" shouted Wolf, stapling the bus doors shut. "These guys can't get out; make sure they don't come near this cluebox!"

Ganondorf ran over to the arriving cab with his trusty shotgun, while Wolf pulled out the clue. Mario and Sonic dramatically opened the cab door, hitting Ganondorf in the crotch. Ganondorf doubled over and grabbed Sonic's ankle, breaking it in three places. Mario didn't notice, and ran to the cluebox.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Villains_

"Make your way on foot to Hearthome City," read Wolf.

_Mario and Sonic  
__Superheroes_

"However-a, you must carry a heavy-a Coronet rock there-a," read Mario.

"_Teams must now make their way to Hearthome City, half a mile away!" said Crazy Hand. "However, they must walk there while carrying a Coronet rock on their backs! Once teams arrive in Hearthome, they will find their next clue!"_

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Right, you're strong," said Wolf. "You can carry it."

"What makes you think I'm strong?" asked Ganondorf defensively.

"Well, you're like twice my size," replied Wolf.

"How dare you make assumptions about me!" shouted Ganondorf, punching Wolf in the stomach.

Wolf coughed up a lung.

"I see your point," said Ganondorf, hoisting the rock onto his back.

"I guess we should let them out now," shrugged Wolf, throwing a knife through the bus door, which miraculously opened.

Samus and Pikachu and Snake and Falcon ran out.

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Go there, carry this," read Samus in a hurry. "Do you think you can carry it?"

"No!" objected Pikachu, the height of Samus' knee.

"Good!" cheered Samus, throwing the huge rock on top of Pikachu.

...

Red liquid came from under the rock.

"Ooh, just like Mom used to make!" smiled Samus creepily, tasting some of the blood.

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Sonic-a, will you hurry up-a?" demanded Mario. "We fell back a whole place-a because of your broken ankle-a!"

"That Ganondorf is a treacherous villain!" said Sonic. "I'll see to it that he gets eliminated!"

"Quick-a, let's use our super strength-a!" declared Mario, struggling to pick up the rock.

KA-WHEELBARROW! "I just had an idea!" smiled Sonic, scooping the rock up in a wheelbarrow.

Mario stapled the wheelbarrow to Sonic's back.

"That's-a for holding us up!" smiled Mario good-naturedly.

_Snake and Falcon  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Make your way to Hearthome City, you must carry this, blah blah," read Falcon. "Who should do it?"

"I think I can do it," said Snake, judging the weight. "Can you hold my gear while I lift this?"

"Okie-dokie! How's _this_?" asked Falcon.

Snake looked at the location of Falcon's hand.

"No, my guns and stuff," replied Snake.

"Oh," said Falcon, taking Snake's weapon packs.

"Although you could i-if you really wanted to..." mumbled Snake.

"We're still rolling," said the cameraman, scared.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"We've got three teams following us, and if freakin' Mario and Sonic can catch up, anyone can catch up," said Wolf warily.

Ganondorf panted in approval, carrying the rock.

"I just hope there's something at the Detour we can just own at," hoped Ganondorf.

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"You're going too slow!" shouted Samus. "Can't you run any faster?"

Pikachu was nearly entirely under the rock.

"Just let me take a break!" panted Pikachu. "You've been whipping me for hours!"

"Please, honey?" asked Samus flirtatiously. "Can't you speed up for me?"

Pikachu struggled to increase his pace.

"Too slow!" smiled Samus brightly, whipping the back of Pikachu's leg.

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Sonic-a, are you okay?" asked Mario cautiously.

"I have...super stamina..." panted Sonic, dragging the wheelbarrow. "Just tell me where...to go..."

"Here-a, drink more super potion-a," said Mario, pouring some energy drink into Sonic's throat.

"Ineffective," panted Sonic.

Mario put a beer bong in Sonic's mouth.

KA-INEBRIATE! Sonic sprang up and began jogging briskly.

_Ness and Lucas  
__Students_

"Make your way to Mt. Coronet..." read Lucas, while Ness suffered repressed memory-induced spasms.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Arranged Marriage_

"Make your way to Mt. Coronet," sighed Luigi resignedly, pulling the clue out.

"The other teams are about to depart!" panicked Jigglypuff. "I wish I hadn't wasted so much time being harassed by that stranger who looks like the cluebox!"

"You mean there's still a slim chance at elimination?" asked Luigi eagerly.

_Kirby and Meta-Knight  
__Ike and Bowser  
__ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__Falco and King Dedede  
__Peach and Zelda  
__Last to Depart, 9:00am_

"Luigi and Jigs are still out there!" noticed Kirby and Bowser excitedly.

"So are Ness and Lucas!" added Mr. Game and Watch and Falco, pointing.

"You mean we're not out of this yet?" asked Zelda and Meta-Knight.

"Hey, we could even grab fifth place if we hurried!" smiled Ike and ROB.

"Good point, let's go!" smiled King Dedede and Peach.

The five teams looked at each other.

"Will you guys shut up?" asked everyone. "I can't hear a thing that's going on!"

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Hearthome City's not too far away now!" grinned Wolf, reading a street sign. "No room for resting now, Ganondorf!"

Ganondorf threw the rock at Wolf.

"Rest _that_, motherfu-" Ganondorf noticed the police.

"It's not murder!" said Ganondorf quickly. "He's alive!"

Rats dragged away Wolf's arm.

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"When we applied for the race, did you think this would be one of the first things we'd be doing?" asked Pikachu, annoyed.

"Nope!" smiled Samus cheerily, now sitting on top of the rock.

_Snake and Falcon  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Mario and Sonic were about to open their mouths to have a scene, but they were riddled with bullet holes.

"Damn, Falcon!" smiled Snake, impressed. "You really know how to handle my gun!"

"Yes, I do," said Falcon solemnly.

Snake heaved the rock further up his back.

"You're almost better at it than I am!" chuckled Snake.

"Thanks!" grinned Falcon.

"Don't forget to blow the smoke off," warned Snake.

"Oh, I never forget about blowing the gun," replied Falcon.

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Those vile fiends-a!" cried Mario, falling over in a puddle of blood.

"Mario, I think I broke my back when I fell!" panted Sonic, the wheelbarrow lodged in his spine.

"Don't-a despair!" cried Mario dramatically. "I will use-a my super healing powers-a to heal those wounds-a!"

"Please hurry, this rock's making my super spine super dislocated!" panicked Sonic.

Mario got out his superhero medical kit.

"Mario, that's Operation!" shouted Sonic, dying.

"Well-a you should have thought of that before-a you used a wheelbarrow-a!" screamed Mario, as he touched a side.

Sonic died.

"What an unsupportive teammate-a," lamented Mario, prising the wheelbarrow from Sonic's body.

Mario remembered he had super strength.

"Oh, that's-a right!" chuckled Mario. "_I_ have super strength, _he_ has super speed-a! Isn't that funny, Sonic-a?"

Sonic was dead, with a boulder stuck in his spine.

_Hearthome City_

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Hey, where do you want this thing?" asked Wolf, sprinting up to a marked vendor.

"You put rock in hole," said the vendor, pointing at a huge, fenced-off hole in the middle of the city.

"Oh, that makes sense," nodded Wolf. "Okay Ganon, let 'er go."

Ganondorf threw the rock at the vendor, killing him. It bounced off of his body and landed in the hole.

"Okay, I got the clue," said Ganondorf, pulling the clue from the vendor's stall. "Make your way to Solaceon Town..."

"_Teams must now make their way to Solaceon Town, a short route away from Hearthome!" said Crazy Hand. "This town, famous for ranching, breeding, and even discovery of Pokemon, is where teams will find their next clue!"_

"Get a cab, the other three are still close behind," warned Wolf.

Ganondorf pulled out his gun. "Right, I got my cab fare right here."

_Snake and Falcon  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"You know, I think I'm strong enough to lift this up now," said Pikachu to Samus. Pikachu was gunned down violently.

"Dang, chipped a nail," sighed Falcon, blowing smoke off of Snake's handgun again.

"Good showing, anyway," reasoned Snake, throwing his rock into the hole.

"Make your way to Solaceon Town," read Falcon, taking the clue.

"Can we take a cab? Because walking this much really takes it out of you," said Snake, stretching his arms. "That rock sure was heavy!"

"I know, I'm all sweaty from firing the gun!" agreed Falcon.

"We might have to...take our shirts off..." suggested Snake.

Snake and Falcon looked at the camera.

"And put them back on immediately," finished Snake.

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Well, this is the place, I guess," said Samus, watching Snake and Falcon leave. "Up and over!"

Samus tossed the rock with a dead Pikachu stuck to it into the hole.

"Pikachu? You want to read the clue?" asked Samus, taking the clue.

Pikachu was dead, between two of the rocks.

"Ah, he's fine," shrugged Samus. "Make your way to Solaceon Town..."

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Mario, I think you should carry this thing," said Sonic.

"I thought you were dead-a!" gasped Mario, carrying the rock.

"I was dead, but thankfully I ran around the world three times to turn back time to before I died, then I saved myself!" grinned Sonic. "Luckily for me, I can also see into the future with my magical Sonic device!"

"How did you-a run when you were-a—" began Mario.

Sonic held up a magic 8-ball, painted blue.

"Wow-a!" marvelled Mario.

"Are we going to make it to Hearthome?" asked Sonic excitedly.

"We're in Hearthome-a," noticed Mario, passing a road sign.

"Capital," smiled Sonic, still shaking the 8-ball.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Make your way to Hearthome City, you must carry one of these Coronet rocks on foot," read Jigglypuff. "Can you-"

"I'm doing it!" shouted Luigi adamantly, throwing the rock violently onto his back.

The rock did not kill Luigi.

"Dammit!" cursed Luigi. He threw the rock up again. "Please, please, please..."

The rock did not kill Luigi.

_Ness and Lucas  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Make your way to Hearthome City, you must carry one of these Coronet rocks on foot," read Lucas.

"This'll be easy!" scoffed Ness. "We're both telekinetic! Lift it up with our minds, come on!"

Working together, Ness and Lucas used their psychic powers to levitate the rock a few paces ahead of them, suspended in mid-air.

"And our journey begins," commented Lucas, bored.

Ness took a step.

"I can't take it any more!" whined Ness, breaking down.

"I thought you were a psychic too!" said Lucas, confused.

"I am!" smiled Ness.

"So is your brain not powerful enough to-never mind, either answer would just freak me out..." sighed Lucas.

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"We're a really independent team!" grinned Sonic at the camera. "Our super powers make us a cut above the rest! We're the best ever to run this race!"

"We just-a walked right past-a the place," noticed Mario, passing the hole.

"Oh," said Sonic meekly.

Mario and Sonic used their mighty super powers to...turn around...and deposit the rock safely.

"Look, there's two more teams-a!" panicked Mario.

"How'd you guys get done so fast?" asked Sonic.

"Our cameraman said something about not wanting to air hours of footage of idiots carrying rocks!" smiled Jigglypuff brightly, as Luigi reluctantly threw the rock into the hole.

"Yeah, and plus we're psychics anyway," added Lucas, levitating his rock into the hole.

"It's some kind of literary device to show how far you guys have fallen behind," added Ness. "Now you're back with us in the middle of the pack!"

Ness and Jigglypuff smiled cheerfully, Lucas nodded bemusedly, and Luigi flipped Mario off.

"Oh," said Sonic, taking the clue. "Make your..."

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"...way to..." read Jigglypuff.

_Ness and Lucas  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"...Solaceon Town!" read Lucas.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"We're on the way to Solaceon Town," interviewed Ganondorf in his cab. "And all the teams are more or less in the same kind of area as they departed in, which works out pretty well for us!"

"We also got a reliable taxi driver, who's even paying _us_!" grinned Wolf.

"I'm not paying you!" protested the cab driver.

"Ganondorf, you hold him and I'll punch," said Wolf, still grinning.

"Okay!" smiled Ganondorf, crawling over into the front seat to grab the driver.

The car spun out of control.

"PAY US OR DIE, DAMMIT!" screamed Wolf, punching the cab driver.

The cab driver weakly handed over his wallet.

_Snake and Falcon  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"The middle three teams might be done with the rock thing by now," worried Falcon. "I hope we do the Detour easily!"

"Yeah, I hope it's like, accessorizing or something we're good at," agreed Snake.

"Haha, I think you mean drinking beer and watching sports!" laughed Falcon nervously, jerking his head at the cameras.

"But every Sunday we go down to the salon and-"

Snake noticed the cameras.

"-pick up babes!" finished Snake defensively.

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Samus, I can't believe you just hindered me in that rock task!" complained Pikachu. "That was the first task of the race, and you were no help at all! You even let it crush me! I could have died permanently!"

"Wear your silencer," grinned Samus creepily.

"I most certainly will not!" argued Pikachu indignantly. "I tell you, if my superiors at the NES chapel found out you were doing these things to me, they'd-"

Samus stapled a silencer to Pikachu's face.

"I totally silenced you!" laughed Samus maniacally.

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"This is bad-a, how can we find a cab-a?" panicked Mario, looking around desperately.

"Ness, Lucas, Jigs, Green Mario, look!" cried Sonic desperately. "The bottomfeeder teams are here! We're screwed!"

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__Currently in 7__th__ Place_

ROB threw the rock in the hole and covered his robotic ears.

Silence.

"All clear, they're not bombs!" called ROB. "Take the clue!"

Mr. Game and Watch picked up the clue.

"Make your way to Solaceon Town!" read Mr. Game and Watch. "We need a cab."

_Peach and Zelda  
__Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"Okay Miss Zelda, this is the place!" smiled Peach brightly.

Zelda threw the rock (which had a painting of Link's face on it) into the hole.

"And stay dead this time!" screeched Zelda. "Make your way to Solaceon Town!"

Peach gave Zelda a weird look.

"Don't you ever blink at me," hissed Zelda.

_Falco and King Dedede  
__Currently in 9__th__ Place_

"Yo, I can't belizzle we gots all those locals to help us, mang!" smiled Dedede cheerfully.

"Of course!" smiled a local, carrying the rock. "Your race needs a little extra help with these things!"

"Gee, thanks, yo!" grinned Dedede.

"Our race?" asked Falco indignantly. "Just because he's a rapper and I have a deep voice like this doesn't mean we're...we're...we're..._birds!_ Equality for everyone, dammit!"

"But I helped you!" panicked the local.

"I don't care!" shouted Falco. "Make your way to Solaceon Town, Deeds!"

_Ike and Bowser  
__Currently in 10__th__ Place_

"Quick Ike, toss it into the hole!" called Bowser, looking at what everyone else was doing.

"Nice innuendo, Bowser!" chuckled Ike.

"Innuendo?" repeated Bowser. "More like in-your-end-hole!"

"I just tossed it into the hole!" laughed Ike, in hysterics.

Ike and Bowser laughed merrily at their wit and maturity.

"Make your way to Solaceon Town..." read Bowser, wiping tears from his eyes.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Oh no, all the back of the pack teams caught up!" lamented Jigglypuff. "And we still can't find cabs! It's an-"

Jigglypuff counted.

Jigglypuff counted.

Jigglypuff counted.

"-eight way tie for last!"

"Awesome, maybe we'll lose," grinned Luigi.

"But wait!" grinned Jigglypuff. "It's also an eight way tie for-"

Jigglypuff counted.

"-fourth place!"

Luigi cried.

_Ness and Lucas  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Ness, I got an idea," said Lucas. "The other teams hate us, so if we can find cabs for enough of them, maybe they'll like us!"

"Okay!" smiled Ness. "So who do we help?"

"Well, ROB and Game and Watch are veterans, and I saw an online PSA about Veterans' Day," said Lucas. "So I think them, and Zelda so she doesn't kill us!"

"But not Falco and Dedede," dismissed Ness. "I hate their people."

"Well that's a given," replied Lucas. "Ike and Bowser maybe, and Luigi and Jigs because they're both slow enough for us to win a footrace!"

"We really _are_ high school students!" smiled Ness, enjoying his pettiness.

_Kirby and Meta-Knight  
__Currently in Last Place_

"How do they expect us to carry that thing?" demanded Kirby, limping into Hearthome City with the rock crushing him.

"Foresight or whatever," shrugged Meta-Knight, shrugging in his boredom.

"Make your way to Solaceon Town," read Kirby. "Great, nobody here has a frickin' cab!"

"Falco, can we get cabs with you?" asked Meta-Knight. "You're about the most tolerable team in this town."

"Tolerable?" repeated Kirby. "He has freaking Dedede!"

"Yo, homeboy," smirked Dedede.

"Uh, sure guys," said Falco. "Just as long as we don't get any more lucky breaks because of our race!"

A cab swerved around the highways and skidded to a halt in front of the two teams.

"Need a ride, I give rides to minorities like birds and puffballs," said the driver, mopping his brow. "Puffball cab's just coming."

"Uh, sure," replied Meta-Knight. Falco sighed and got into the cab, as Kirby and Meta-Knight's puffball cab arrived.

_Falco and King Dedede  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"I really am sick of this," Falco told the camera, perching on the parrot-cage seats.

_Kirby and Meta-Knight  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"What just happened?" asked a bemused Kirby.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Ness, Lucas, thanks for the cab!" laughed Jigglypuff cheerily, diving headfirst into a third cab heading straight for Ness and Lucas.

"Dammit, now we're not last," lamented Luigi, continuing the one-dimensional attitude.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Cabs are getting here!" pointed out Mr. Game and Watch. "Thanks for the help, Ness and Lucas!"

"We support your political beliefs!" called ROB enthusiastically, getting in and driving off.

_Ness and Lucas  
__Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"I wasn't aware we'd actually done anything," remarked Lucas, getting into another cab.

"It's like all plans made by kids," laughed Ness. "We talk big games, but nobody's really going anywhere!"

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in 9__th__ Place_

"Quick! To the Cabmobile!" cried Sonic, noticing the influx of cabs.

"I'll thwart the villain driving it-a!" declared Mario, pulling out a handgun.

Mario sprinted up to the cab.

"Out-a of the cab, fiend!" bellowed Mario, firing a few rounds.

The driver was dead.

"Play my jingle-a, Sonic!" grinned Mario. "I have saved the day-a!"

Mario and Sonic drove off in the stolen cab.

_Ike and Bowser  
__Currently in 10__th__ Place_

"Uh-oh, there's only one cab left," noticed Bowser. "How do we decide who gets it?"

"We kick their butts!" roared Ike, punching his palm.

"Hi there," smirked Zelda.

"We let the hot babes take it!" roared Ike, punching his palm.

Peach and Zelda drove off in the cab.

_Ike and Bowser  
__Currently __**currently**__ in Last Place_

"Why'd you do that?" asked Bowser angrily. "We could have left them behind!"

"Dude, Zelda would have killed us!" gasped Ike. "Besides, help the girls, get better stuff in return, know what I mean? Bow chi-"

"You're an idiot," replied Bowser flatly. "We're last."

"No we're not!" scoffed Ike.

Bowser looked around briefly. "Well, yes. Yes we are, Ike."

"Oh, so we are," sighed Ike.

A final cab arrived and Ike and Bowser got in.

"You freaking idiot," criticised Bowser.

_Solaceon Town_

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Wolf and Ganondorf jumped out of the cab and began running around.

"Wolf, look!" noticed Ganondorf. "Race flag at those ruins!"

Wolf bit Ganondorf's ankle and slapped him with his gun.

"We need a clue first, silly-billy!" smiled Wolf, dubbed over with a PBS kid's show voice.

Ganondorf kicked Wolf in the crotch.

"You're right, Wolfie!" simpered Ganondorf, dubbed over with a Mr. Rogers voice.

"Where's the clue?" asked Wolf in his regular voice, looking for the cluebox. "Hurry!"

_Snake and Falcon  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Got no time to waste!" yelled Snake, running out of the cab. "Falcon, come on!"

Snake grabbed Falcon's hand and began to sprint to the cluebox.

Wolf and Ganondorf swivelled round to see Snake and Falcon holding hands.

"Uh...let _go_!" snarled Snake in a fake tone, throwing Falcon's hand off.

"I got the clue!" cried Falcon, trying to hide his tears as he fished a clue from the cluebox.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"How the – flower- did we miss this –shirt?" demanded Wolf angrily, being dubbed at certain moments.

"Never mind," sighed Ganondorf, pulling the clue out.

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Run! Run! Run!" panicked Samus, running towards the cluebox.

"Will you take this blasted thing off of me first?" demanded Pikachu, struggling along with a ball and chain.

"No time!" Samus shouted back, taking a clue.

Circulation ran out and Pikachu's foot dropped off.

"Never mind, we're good!" cried Pikachu, sprinting up limply.

_Snake and Falcon  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Detour!" read Falcon, ripping open the clue. "Old or New?"

"_A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with their own pros and cons!" explained Crazy Hand. "In this Detour, teams must choose between two methods of Pokemon searching! The choice: Old or New?"_

"_In Old, teams must make their way through to the city to Solaceon Ruins! Once there, they will receive a card and a Pokeball from an archaeologist! Teams must journey into the ruins and capture an Unown that matches the Unown on their card to receive their next clue! This is an easy enough task, but teams will be given a time limit!"_

"_In New, teams must make their way to Solaceon Daycare Centre! Once there, they will receive a baby Pokemon, which they must match to the parent Pokemon! This task is harder, but there is no time limit, and teams who know their Pokemon could finish quickly!"_

"Let's do New!" simpered Snake. "I love babies!"

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"New, I want to kill some serious babies," said Ganondorf, finishing his clue reading.

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Hey, Pikachu, you're a Pokemon, right?" asked Samus, reading the clue.

"We've been over this," replied Pikachu flatly.

"Oh, yeah...so doing New might not be such a bad idea!" decided Samus. "Especially if we get that baby version of you! What's his name?"

"P..." sighed Pikachu.

"Paul?" asked Samus.

"Pich..." continued Pikachu.

"Peach?" asked Samus.

"Pichu," finished Pikachu.

"Pichu?" asked Samus.

Pikachu nodded slowly.

_Solaceon Daycare Centre_

_Snake and Falcon  
__On New_

"We're here!" smiled Falcon cheerily. "Where's our baby?"

"Right here," said the daycare woman, handing Falcon a newborn Bonsly.

"Uh, you hold the wood," said Snake, looking nervous.

"Okay!" grinned Falcon enthusiastically. "Oh, wait, the Bonsly. Okay."

"Parents are this way," said the daycare woman, opening the door for Falcon.

"Snake, try and look for anything that looks like my wood," ordered Falcon, looking around.

"Okay!" grinned Snake enthusiastically. "Oh, wait, the Bonsly. Okay."

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__On New_

"Hand over the damned baby!" shouted Wolf, storming into the daycare centre.

Several baby Pokemon began to cry.

"Shut your cute little faces!" bellowed Wolf, stabbing some babies.

"H-here's your Pokemon!" panicked the daycare lady, handing Wolf a happy looking Wynaut.

"Wynaut!" grinned Wynaut.

"Aww, he's so cute!" simpered Wolf. "Hey there, little guy!"

"Who's a fuzzy-wuzzy little man?" asked Ganondorf in a baby voice. "You are! You are!"

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Okay, here's Solaceon Town!" grinned Jigglypuff, running out of the cab. "Are you ready to rock, Luigi?"

"I'm ready to kill myself with one," sighed Luigi.

"There's a race flag!" smiled Jigglypuff, pointing at a flag on the ruins. "Let's go there!"

Jigglypuff dragged Luigi through to the ruins. The camera panned on the left-behind cluebox and high string music played.

"Right, you're with the race," said the Ruin Maniac gruffly. "Here's the Unown, here's the Pokeball. Any questions?"

"Are these things dangerous?" asked Luigi hopefully.

"Not particularly," replied the Ruin Maniac. "Catch the right Unown before the time's up, you get the clue. Go."

_Snake and Falcon  
__On New_

"Let's see..." thought Snake. "I'm looking for taller and stronger wood..."

"Aren't we all?" joked Falcon.

"Maybe the women are!" laughed Snake. "But we aren't! _Remember?!_"

"Oh, right!" laughed Falcon.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__On New_

"Aww, the Wynaut's warm!" chuckled Wolf, cuddling the baby.

"Somebody misses Mommy and Daddy!" simpered Ganondorf, skipping merrily along. "I bet they miss you too!"

_Samus and Pikachu  
__On New_

"We're here!" called Samus loudly. "Give us a Pokemon!"

"Okay, here you go," replied the daycare worker, handing Samus a Pichu.

"Oh, this'll be fun," said Pikachu, taking Pichu.

"Look! Look! A Pikachu!" cried Samus, holding Pikachu up. Pikachu embarrassedly waved. "Is he the parent?"

"He came in with you," replied the daycare worker.

"Damn, she's clever," whispered Samus.

"Oh, _come on_," scoffed Pikachu. "No wonder you and Game and Watch sucked last season,"

"You and Link won, right?" asked Samus.

"Point taken," nodded Pikachu.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__On New_

"Here's the parent Pokemon!" cheered Wolf, spotting two Wobbuffets.

"Wobbuffet," said one Wobbuffet proudly.

"I quite agree," replied Ganondorf, handing over Wynaut.

"Okay Ganondorf, get that clue! We're not losing this thing!" called Wolf, looking over at Snake and Falcon.

Wobbuffet handed Ganondorf a clue.

"Make your way to Pastoria City and find the Great Marsh," read Ganondorf.

"_Teams must now travel north to Pastoria City and find this place, the Great Marsh!" said Crazy Hand. "This marsh, a Safari Zone of sorts for Sinnoh, is the pit stop for this leg of the race! The last team to check in here __**will**__ be eliminated!"_

"Last team to check in will be eliminated," finished Ganondorf.

"Get our taxi back!" cried Wolf, diving out of the window.

_Falco and King Dedede  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

The two cabs screeched to a halt, and Falco and Dedede were kicked out.

"Oh man, the cluebox is away over there!" despaired Falco. "We'll never run there fast enough!"

"Yo, we could fly," pointed out King Dedede.

"Don't even start," said Falco flatly.

Kirby and Meta Knight began opening their doors.

"Caw! Caw!" chirped Falco, taking flight. "Detour!"

"Old or New," read Dedede.

"Let's do old, I wanna be the very best like no-one ever was," decided Falco.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Tailgate Falco and Dedede, quick!" shouted Kirby, in a panic.

"There's a cluebox back there," observed Meta Knight.

Kirby was gone.

"I guess he's _clueless_," sighed Meta Knight flatly.

Sitcom canned laughter.

Meta Knight walked off, ignoring the high pitched string music and the cameraman turning to look at the cluebox.

_Snake and Falcon  
__On New_

"There's some tall wood!" noticed Falcon excitedly. "Oh, and look! I read online that Sudowoodo is the evolved form of Bonsly!"

"I'm just happy we're so good at picking out wood," smiled Snake. "Let's go!"

Snake ran up, gave Bonsly to a couple of Sudowoodo parents, and got the clue.

_Snake and Falcon  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Make your way to Pastoria City's Great Marsh, pit stop, come last and get eliminated," summarised Snake hurriedly. "We need to get back to our cab, and fast!"

"Good thing I packed my jogging shorts!" smiled Falcon.

"Is that spandex?" asked Snake coyly.

"Uh...no...of course not..." said Falcon, sweating.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__On Old_

"Pokeball, go!" cheered Jigglypuff, tossing the Pokeball at the Unown. "Is that the right one?"

Luigi was buried under a pile of Pokeballs containing every different kind of Unown.

"Wait a minute...there are 26 letters....and Unown come in all the alphabet's letters...and we have to match the picture..." said Jigglypuff slowly.

Jigglypuff got out a wheelbarrow and wheeled every Pokeball (and Luigi) to the Ruin Maniac.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Pit stop!" cheered Jigglypuff. "Come on, honey!"

Jigglypuff picked up a groggy Luigi and ran back to the cab.

"I had a dream where I died," groaned Luigi. "It was so nice..."

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
__On Old_

Kirby ran up to the ruins, only to see Luigi and Jigglypuff leave.

"Hi Kirby!" smiled Jigglypuff.

"Yeah hey," scoffed Kirby. "Where's Meta Knight?"

"What's up?" asked Meta Knight, walking up.

"You mean I ran while you walked, and you still beat the birds?" asked Kirby incredulously.

Meta Knight shrugged. Sitcom canned laughter.

"Here's your Unown," said the Ruin Maniac, giving Meta Knight a picture.

"Okay...thanks..." replied Meta Knight, unsure of what to do.

_Falco and King Dedede  
__On Old_

Falco strolled up to the ruins, with a panting Dedede in tow.

"Dammit Deeds, you're so fat," chastised Falco.

"Love handles, mang," replied Dedede cockily, panting off into the ruins.

"Here's your Unown," said the Ruin Maniac. "It's Unown B! For bird! Ahahahaha!"

"You racist son of a-" said Falco, but Dedede came back, with a Pokeball.

"Yo, I used my bird sightizzle to find B for bird," said Dedede. "Kirbs and Meta are still in there!"

"Here's your clue," said the Ruin Maniac.

_Falco and King Dedede  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"I'm so confused," said Falco. "Should I be offended or not?"

"Last homies in get eliminizzle!" cried Dedede.

"Quick, get back to the cab!" shouted Falco, running.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Oh crap, teams are getting that Detour done fast," noticed Wolf. "Snake and Falcon are right behind us, and there's two teams coming out of the other Detour!"

"I sense a pit stop showdown," said Ganondorf excitedly. "You got your assault rifles?"

"Always," smirked Wolf, loading several guns.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
__On Old_

"Here's our thing," said Meta Knight, handing over a Pokeball.

"Haha, you said here's our thing," chuckled Kirby. Sitcom canned laughter.

"Here's your thing," said the Ruin Maniac, handing Kirby and Meta Knight a clue.

"Wow, that's just not funny," said Kirby angrily. Sitcom canned laughter.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Make your way to the pit stop, last team to check in is eliminated," read Meta Knight.

"Hurry back to the cab, the birds passed us on that task!" panicked Kirby.

_Falco and King Dedede  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Luigi and Jigs must have came and left that task," realised Falco. "And behind us, the puffballs are leaving."

"Yo, and since they missizzled the clue, them crazy fools are gonna have to get hit with a penalty," added King Dedede.

"It might come down to a footrace," added Falco.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Do you think that Unown-catching thing was supposed to replace a Detour?" asked Meta Knight.

Ominous orchestra music.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Oh no, I just realised something!" panicked Jigglypuff. "There was a cluebox back in the town, wasn't there?"

"Yep," grinned Luigi hopefully.

"I hope we don't get a penalty for this!" squealed Jigglypuff. "It's a really close leg!"

"I know, isn't it great?" asked Luigi, beaming.

_Samus and Pikachu  
__On New_

"How are we supposed to know what Pikachus look like?" asked Samus frantically, gunning down several sets of Pokemon parents.

"I'm a Pikachu," replied Pikachu, holding Pichu. "There's two more over there."

"Oh," said Samus, taking the clue.

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Make your way to Pastoria City's Great Marsh, last team to check in is eliminated," read Samus hurriedly.

"We can still grab third, I think," called Pikachu, running.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__Currently in 7__th__ Place_

ROB burst out of his cab and shot a missile at the cluebox, making it explode.

"An explosion!" cried Mr. Game and Watch. "Nowhere is safe!"

"Detour!" said ROB, reading the clue. "Old or New?"

"Oh, New then," replied Mr. Game and Watch calmly.

_Ness and Lucas  
__Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"Wow, a chance to see the historical ruins of Sinnoh!" beamed Lucas. "This could be a great opportuni-"

"BABIES! BABIES! BABIES!" squealed Ness. "I want to play with them! We're doing New!"

Lucas frowned softly.

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in 9__th__ Place_

"Quick-a!" called Mario. "To the cluebox!"

Mario and Sonic powerfully flew (read: haphazardly jumped) through the air and pulled open a clue.

RIP! TEAR! POW! DETOUR!

"Detour, Old or New?" asked Sonic.

"What-a do you think, trusted companion-a?" asked Mario.

"I have been informed by the Chief that a chance to see the historical ruins of Sinnoh is a great opportunity!" declared Sonic.

"I'm not your Chief!" shouted Lucas from afar.

"To the ruins-a!" yelled Mario.

_Peach and Zelda  
__Currently in 10__th__ Place_

"Deto-"

"Shut up Peach, I want to play with the fuzzy wuzzy ickle babies!" smiled Zelda.

"Wow, I did not expect that from you!" beamed Peach. "This could be a positive change in your attitude!"

Zelda stabbed Peach for fun.

_Mario and Sonic  
__On Old_

"My Sonic senses are tingling!" grinned Sonic. "They tell me that Peach just died!"

"My Mario senses are tingling-a!" grinned Mario. "They tell me that we have way too much airtime for our one-dimensional superhero gimmick!"

The fourth wall...uh, of the ruin....collapsed.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__On New_

"Is this where we get the babies?" asked ROB covertly.

"Yes," replied the daycare woman. "Stay put, I'll bring you yours."

"Now!" shouted ROB.

Mr. Game and Watch whipped out a gas canister and began drugging all of the Pokemon.

"Now none of them can report the race to the liberal media," droned Mr. Game and Watch slowly, slitting a Meowth's throat.

"Here you go!" smiled the daycare woman, giving ROB a Mime Jr.

"What do you know?" asked ROB coldly.

_Ness and Lucas  
__On New_

"Okay, quick!" urged Ness. "We can beat the girls if we hurry!"

Zelda jumped through the air and stabbed Ness in the back of the neck.

"Seriously, why us?" asked Lucas sadly.

Zelda shrugged, and then stabbed Lucas too.

Lucas sighed.

_Peach and Zelda  
__On New_

"Here's your baby," said the daycare woman, scarred for life. She handed Zelda an Azurill.

"Perfect," grinned Zelda, red liquid casually dribbling down her chin.

Azurill burst into tears.

"Peach, get over here!" screamed Zelda.

Peach awkwardly stepped over Ness and Lucas' bodies.

"Must you do that to everyone?" asked Peach.

"Yes," replied Zelda flatly.

_Mario and Sonic  
__On Old_

"There's an Unown!" shouted Sonic. "Use your energy attack!"

Mario shot a tiny fireball at the Unown, weakening it.

"I got it-a!" grinned Mario. "Now to use-a my special move!"

Mario threw a Pokeball at the Unown, capturing it.

"Here's your clue," said the Ruin Maniac as soon as Mario and Sonic emerged. "Just leave."

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"To the pit stop!" cheered Sonic confidently.

Mario took out a keyboard, played a quick superhero jingle, and quickly threw the keyboard aside.

_Pastoria City – Great Marsh_

"Five cars here!" shouted Wolf desperately, pulling into the marsh.

Ganondorf lit up a cartoon bomb and threw it straight backwards.

Snake and Falcon's cab blew up in an extremely violent explosion, putting both out of commission.

"Four cars here!" corrected Ganondorf desperately. "Sprint, sprint!"

Around Wolf and Ganondorf, the other teams began getting out of their cabs.

"Every team for themselves!" bellowed Kirby at once, kicking Jigglypuff in the face.

"Ow! Help me, Luigi!" squealed Jigglypuff, as Kirby beat her up.

"Screw you," replied Luigi, trying his hardest to get to the mat last.

"Yo, Falcs!" cried King Dedede, throwing Waddle Dees at Wolf. "Get to 'da mat!"

Wolf shot Dedede in the face and began clawing at his eyes.

Ganondorf ran over to help Wolf, but Meta Knight flew through the air and began slashing Ganondorf's knees.

Falco ran towards the mat, but was hit by a flying Jigglypuff as Kirby continued smacking her around.

Kirby stepped on Jigglypuff's face, and jumped off onto the mat.

Jigglypuff weakly pulled herself up onto the mat.

Wolf and Ganondorf continued beating up King Dedede, while Meta Knight furiously slashed all three. Luigi continued wandering around aimlessly.

"You take care of this!" Wolf shouted, sprinting onto the mat.

"Um, should I stop them?" asked Crazy Hand.

"Nah," replied the cameraman.

Meta Knight began to use his magical tornado attack of doom, but King Dedede pounded his face in with his hammer, and waddled towards the mat.

Ganondorf did a flying tackle and knocked Luigi into King Dedede, sending both skidding to the side.

Meta Knight picked up Luigi, and began dual-wielding him with his sword to fend off Ganondorf.

Ganondorf elbowed Dedede in the face, and got up weakly.

Meta Knight stepped onto the mat, placing Luigi haphazardly beside him.

"Yes!" cheered Kirby.

"Yay," coughed Jigglypuff.

"Welcome to Sinnoh!" smiled the greeter.

"Kirby and Meta Knight, you're the first team to arrive," said Crazy Hand grimly.

"Awesome!" grinned Kirby.

"Trouble's brewing!" realised Meta Knight.

Sitcom 'ooooh' sound.

"However, you did not pick up a clue for the Detour, so you must return to Solaceon Town and retrieve the clue before I can check you in." Crazy Hand finished.

"Dammit!" lamented Kirby. "How could we have been so stupid? I blame you!"

"You were the one that tore off in the other direction," scoffed Meta Knight.

"Yeah well, it's your fault for not restraining me and my _zany_ roommate antics!" argued Kirby.

Kirby and Meta Knight angrily got back into the cab.

"Ha, idiots!" cackled Jigglypuff.

"Luigi and Jigglypuff, you're the second team to arrive," continued Crazy Hand. "However, you did not pick up a clue for the Detour, so you must return to Solaceon Town and retrieve the clue before I can check you in."

"Oh no, we might fall behind!" realised Jigglypuff.

"Yeah, I know, this is great!" cheered Luigi, jauntily strolling back to the cab.

"I hope we don't come last," sighed Jigglypuff, walking past Dedede and Ganondorf, who were still fist-fighting.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
__Roommates_

"Luigi and Jigs did the same thing," noticed Meta Knight, looking in the rear-view mirror.

"Good, all we have to do is beat them," observed Kirby. "I just hope they suck harder than we do."

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Arranged Marriage_

"We need to beat Kirby and the other one!" panicked Jigglypuff. "This is so exciting!"

"Know what else is exciting?" asked Luigi excitedly. "The prospect of coming last and not having to travel the world with you!"

"But if we come last we get to have a month in an island hotel together!" smiled Jigglypuff.

Luigi's eye twitched.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__On New_

ROB threw Mime Jr at a pair of Mr. Mimes and took the clue.

"Wait, Mr. Mime parents?" asked ROB.

"Oh dear god, they legalised same sex marriage!" panicked Mr. Game and Watch. "What will they legalise next?"

"Those commies will probably legalise other forms of happiness too!" panicked ROB. "Quick, get the clue! I can't look at those two..._Mr._ Mimes!"

Mr. Game and Watch took the clue.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
__Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"Make your way to the pit stop, Great Marsh!" read Mr. Game and Watch. "The last team to check in will be eliminated!"

"Is that a threat?" demanded ROB, holding the clue at gunpoint.

_Pastoria City_

"Ow, ow, ow..." droned Ganondorf and Dedede simultaneously, trading blows in a bored manner.

"Got any fours?" asked Wolf, sitting on the mat with Falco.

_Peach and Zelda  
__On New_

"Here you go, little baby!" smiled Peach. "Have fun with your lovely family!"

The two Marills and the baby Azurill waved happily at Peach.

Zelda was viciously murdering Ness and Lucas.

"Don't mind her," said Peach sadly, taking the clue.

Zelda walked up, covered in blood.

"Yo," greeted Zelda, casually throwing her chainsaw aside. A Mudkip screamed.

_Peach and Zelda  
__Currently in 9__th__ Place_

"The last team to check in will be eliminated!" read Peach.

"Well, maybe we should hurry!" grinned Zelda, stabbing Peach with a syringe.

Peach fell over, dead.

"Oh, these aren't steroids, they're compressed air conveniently put into syringes," noticed Zelda. "So these aren't toned muscles on Peach's arms...they're air bubbles...oh..."

Zelda walked away.

_Pastoria City_

"This is lame, dawg," said Dedede, worn out.

"This is really lame," agreed Ganondorf. "But look, over there, it's..uh..P Diddy."

"Yeah right," scoffed Dedede.

"Puff Diddy?"

"No, yo,"

"Diddy Kong?"

Dedede looked up.

Ganondorf kicked Dedede in the back and walked onto the pit stop.

"Sup?" asked Wolf.

"Aw," lamented Falco.

"Wolf and Ganondorf, you are team number one!" smiled Crazy Hand. "As the winners of this first leg of the race, you have won a free pink scooter!"

Everyone looked at Falco.

"Is that supposed to hold significance for me personally or something?" asked Falco.

"No, not at all," smiled Wolf evilly.

"Does it have to be pink?" asked Ganondorf.

"Why, are you insecure?" replied Crazy Hand.

Everyone chuckled heartily.

"Yes," sobbed Ganondorf.

_Ike and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Detour!" read Ike. "Old or New?"

"Let's do New, and fast," said Bowser. "Chicks love babies, and we love chicks. Ergo, we love babies."

"Wow, that's true!" beamed Ike. "Let's go!"

_Ness and Lucas  
__On New_

Ness and Lucas weakly stood up.

"Nobody ever really dies, I suppose," noticed Lucas, wiping away some blood.

"Oh no, Ike and Bowser are right behind us!" panicked Ness. "Hurry!"

Ness jumped up onto the counter and stole a baby Igglybuff.

_Pastoria City_

King Dedede wheezed, and struggled onto the pit stop.

"Falco and King Dedede, you are team number two!" awarded Crazy Hand.

"Dag, yo," sighed Dedede. "We coulda got first, mang."

"Good one, Wolf, Ganon," lamented Falco sadly, shaking hands with Wolf and Ganondorf.

"Do you feel as if you can overcome racial adversity on this race?" asked Crazy Hand.

"The hell's that supposed to mean?" snapped Falco. "There's nothing wrong with being a bird! We are a proud people!"

"Yo, don't be dissin' da birds, man!" agreed King Dedede.

"Maybe not proud of each other, but still!" argued Falco.

_Ness and Lucas  
__On New_

"Igglybuff...that rhymes with Jigglypuff..." realised Ness.

"Yes, it does, now hurry!" cried Lucas fearfully.

_Snake and Falcon  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Snake and Falcon, you're team number three!" smiled Crazy Hand.

"We would have done better if we hadn't been attacked!" called Falcon, hoping to be overheard by Wolf and Ganondorf.

"Don't worry, at least we get a long 12-hour rest with each other in this marsh, alone," consoled Snake.

Falcon tried to hide his grin as Snake covered his mouth.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
__Roommates_

"Who knows how many places we've slipped?" asked Kirby incredulously, sitting in the cab.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
__Arranged Marriage_

"Look, teams are passing us on the way to the pit stop!" grinned Luigi enthusiastically. "We're bound to come last!"

_Samus and Pikachu  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

Samus and Pikachu sprinted out of the cab and touched down on the mat.

"Samus and Pikachu, you're team number four!" grinned Crazy Hand.

"Praise Wright!" cheered Pikachu.

"This calls for four shots!" grinned Samus, downing tequila. Samus passed out.

_Ike and Bowser  
__On New_

"Okay, we have a Mantyke," checked Bowser, reading the nametag. "Any ideas what Mantyke evolves into?"

Mantyke died of dehydration.

"Check the aquariums!" decided Ike at once. "The parents must be in them!"

_Mario and Sonic  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Sonic-a, what does the scouter say about our placing level-a?" asked Mario, jumping out of the cab.

"It's...it's over NINE THOUUUUUUSAAA-ninth. It's over ninth," read Sonic embarrassedly.

Mario and Sonic dramatically did a Baywatch-run to the pit stop.

Crazy Hand sighed.

"Mario and Sonic, you're team number five!" checked in Crazy Hand.

Sonic decided to punch Mario for their middle-class placing.

POW! BAM! FIFTH!

_Ness and Lucas  
__On New_

"Here are some Jigglypuffs!" panted Lucas, having run through the entire daycare centre.

"It wasn't really that far," said Ness, leisurely strolling with Igglybuff in his hands.

Lucas took the clue.

"Hurry, Ike and Bowser just threw a dead body at two Mantines!" noticed Ness, seeing Bowser take the clue.

_Kirby and Meta Knight_

The two cabs returned to Solaceon Town, and Kirby sprinted out to the cluebox, beating out Jigglypuff by seconds.

"We can go to..." began Kirby.

_Ike and Bowser_

"Make your way to..." read Bowser.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff_

"...the pit stop now!" cheered Jigglypuff.

_Ness and Lucas_

"...the Great Marsh, the pit stop for this leg of the race, the last team to check in will be eliminated!" read Lucas. "Run!"

_Pastoria City_

A few flying Pokemon flew over ROB and Mr. Game and Watch's cab.

"Stealth helicopters!" cried Mr. Game and Watch. "Evacuate, quickly!"

"Deploy parachutes!" commanded ROB.

The veterans jumped out of their cab dramatically, and opened their parachutes. After an excruciating half-inch fall, they ran to the pit stop.

"ROB and Mr. Game and Watch, you're team number six!" smiled Crazy Hand.

"Know who else was team number six?" asked ROB suspiciously. "Gore! Know what else Gore did? He lost to George Bush! Know who else lost to George Bush? George Bush's brain! Are you comparing me to George Bush, hand?!"

"No," replied Crazy Hand. "And I don't even want to know how you went from team number six to-never mind..."

"Don't mess with us," threatened Mr. Game and Watch, pulling out a shotgun.

_Peach and Zelda  
__Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Did my diabolical plan to release these Pokemon work?" asked Zelda, holding empty cages.

"No, Miss Zelda, they didn't kill them," noticed Peach resignedly, running up to the pit stop.

"Damn," lamented Zelda.

"Peach and Zelda, you're team number seven!" said Crazy Hand.

"Seven, you say?" asked Zelda angrily, burning Peach.

_Pastoria City_

Quick shots of the four remaining teams appeared, and four cabs pulled up to the pit stop.

"Fight number two!" cheered Kirby enthusiastically. He immediately kicked Lucas in the groin.

Lucas weakly stood up, but Ike swung his cab door open, hitting him in the face.

Luigi snuck out of his cab and tried to leave altogether, but Meta Knight caught up with him and began slashing at him.

"PK FIRE!" yelled Ness, throwing a match at Bowser. The latter burst into flames.

Ike picked up Jigglypuff and threw her at Meta Knight, who turned around and dived at him. Jigglypuff bounced off and began hurtling towards Luigi.

Kirby continued beating up Lucas, as Bowser took a large bite out of Ness' face.

Luigi caught Jigglypuff in midair and began punching her insanely.

Kirby wildly threw Lucas at Ness and Bowser, and ran to the pit stop. Meta Knight noticed and began to follow, with Ike chasing him.

Ness used his psychic powers to throw Luigi and Jigglypuff at Kirby and Meta Knight, knocking them onto the pit stop. Luigi and Jigglypuff landed on the puffballs.

"Yes!" cheered Kirby, Meta Knight and Jigglypuff. Luigi cried.

"Ness!" shouted Lucas. "That's two teams you let in!"

Ike ran onto the pit stop, and Bowser began to follow, stepping on Lucas.

Ness quickly threw Ike aside with his powers, and stepped on the pit stop.

Ike ran back to the pit stop.

Bowser lifted his foot to stand on the pit stop, but Lucas' hand fell off of Bowser's foot onto the mat.

"Yes!" cheered Ness. Lucas was dead.

Bowser sighed and landed on the mat.

"Kirby and Meta Knight, you're team number eight!" awarded Crazy Hand.

"Made it," sighed Meta Knight.

"I'm awesome!" beamed Kirby.

"Luigi and Jigglypuff, you're team number nine!" smiled Crazy Hand.

"I wanted higher, but at least we're not out!" grinned Jigglypuff.

"Yeah," agreed Luigi sarcastically. "I'm so freaking happy! Woohoo, I get to spend more time with Jigglypuff! That's awesome!"

Jigglypuff hugged Luigi.

"Ness and Lucas, you're team number ten!" continued Crazy Hand. "How do you think you'll cope now that Lucas is dead, Ness?"

"He'll be fine by next leg," pointed out Ness.

Crazy Hand slapped Ness.

"And lastly, Ike and Bowser, you're the last team to arrive," finished Crazy Hand. "I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the race."

"I didn't want to be first out," sighed Ike.

"We'll miss racing, but I'm kind of relieved we can go back to our lives of picking up chicks and being tough!" chuckled Bowser.

"Yes, I can't wait to make this sex thing I've been hearing about with a lady friend," chuckled Ike.

"Well, good for you," said Crazy Hand. "See you next TrekFest."

"Nobody's supposed to know about that!" sobbed Ike and Bowser.

* * *

Arrival Times!

Wolf and Ganondorf: 12:48pm

Falco and King Dedede: 12:49pm

Snake and Falcon: 12:54pm

Samus and Pikachu: 1:05pm

Mario and Sonic: 1:08pm

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch: 1:13pm

Peach and Zelda: 1:17pm

Kirby and Meta Knight: 1:28pm

Luigi and Jigglypuff: 1:28pm

Ness and Lucas: 1:29pm

Ike and Bowser: 1:29pm – **ELIMINATED**

* * *

And there's the first leg! Let me know who your favourite teams are, who you think will be eliminated next, who you want to be eliminated next, etc, etc!

Future legs most likely will not be this long.


	2. Cry About Your Insecurities!

"Previously on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" declared Crazy Hand. "Eleven teams departed from the Smash Mansion and set off on a race around the world!"

"As soon as the race began, superheroes Mario and Sonic fell behind due to their...eccentricities..."

_Sonic was doing his Baywatch run._

"_Dramatic running! Are you getting this, cameraman?" asked Sonic eagerly._

_Mario frowned sadly._

"Students Ness and Lucas encountered a problem after Ness tried to act cool!"

_Ness jumped through the open window and collapsed in the backseat, covered in blood and broken glass._

"_Oh my god!" cried Lucas, turning in his seat. "Ness!"_

_Ness spat some more blood out of his mouth. "Shut up and drive!"_

_Ness pulled a foot-long shard of glass from his arm._

"At the airport, club bouncers Ike and Bowser thought they were playing a trick on some other teams, but it backfired, shuffling the teams' placements!"

"_Ike! Bowser!" bellowed Zelda. "How many other teams are on your flight?"_

"_We shared a shuttle with the villains and that married couple," replied Bowser. "So unless __**they fell for our trick and went to the other flight, **__they're with us on this flight!"_

_Ike nudged Bowser. "Dude, ix-nay on the old-bay."_

"_Hi Ike and Bowser!" smiled Jigglypuff. "Our flight lands at 12:30, when does yours land?"_

_Ike and Bowser looked stunned._

"_1," replied Ike, dumbfounded._

"Mario and Sonic managed to surge ahead, but were stopped by teams who didn't take kindly to their superhero routine!"

"_Those vile fiends-a!" cried Mario, falling over in a puddle of blood._

"_Mario, I think I broke my back when I fell!" panted Sonic, the wheelbarrow lodged in his spine._

"Hoping to redeem himself for their airport blunder, Ike gave up a crucial taxi to princesses Peach and Zelda!"

"_Why'd you do that?" asked Bowser angrily. "We could have left them behind!"_

"_Dude, Zelda would have killed us!" gasped Ike. "Besides, help the girls, get better stuff in return, know what I mean? Bow chi-"_

"_You're an idiot," replied Bowser flatly. "We're last."_

"Married couple Luigi and Jigglypuff, and roommates Kirby and Meta Knight made a critical mistake on the Detour by missing the cluebox!"

"_There's a race flag!" smiled Jigglypuff, pointing at a flag on the ruins. "Let's go there!"_

_Meta Knight walked off, ignoring the high pitched string music and the cameraman turning to look at the cluebox._

"The two teams paid for their mistake at the pit stop, allowing villains Wolf and Ganondorf to take first place!"

"_Wolf and Ganondorf, you are team number one!" smiled Crazy Hand._

"And after losing a four-way battle with the two mistake-making teams and Ness and Lucas, Ike and Bowser were eliminated!"

"_We'll miss racing, but I'm kind of relieved we can go back to our lives of picking up chicks and being tough!" chuckled Bowser._

"_Yes, I can't wait to make this sex thing I've been hearing about with a lady friend," chuckled Ike._

"Ten teams remain, who will be eliminated next?"

* * *

The Teams!

Peach/Zelda (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)

Samus/Pikachu (Supershow Nevada)

Falco/King Dedede (Kentucky Fried Chi-you racist sonuva-)

ROB/Mr. Game and Watch (USS Washington)

Snake/Falcon (Oklahoma!!!)

Wolf/Ganondorf (Connecticut-throat)

Mario/Sonic (Indiana Jones)

Kirby/Meta Knight (California Screamin')

Ness/Lucas (The 40-Year Old Virginia)

Luigi/Jigglypuff (Sweet Home Alabama?!)

* * *

Several quick shots of Sinnoh's towns were played.

"This is Sinnoh! A proud mountainous region of the Pokemon world!" grinned Crazy Hand. "And here in the heart of Sinnoh is none other than Pastoria City! This city is home to the Pastoria Great Marsh! This marsh, famous for being a prime spot to catch Pokemon, was the first pit stop in a race around the world!"

Several shots of teams checking in were played.

"Teams checked in here for a mandatory rest period, where they can eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams!" continued Crazy Hand.

_Kirby and Jigglypuff put a sleeping Meta Knight's hand in warm water while Luigi tied a noose._

_Falco tackled the captionist._

"Can Ness and Lucas regain control and pull out of last place?" asked Crazy Hand. "And after dominating the first leg, will Wolf and Ganondorf remain on top with their cruel methods and brute force?"

"Wolf and Ganondorf, who were first to arrive at 12:48pm, will depart at 12:48am!"

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
__1__st__ to Depart, 12:48am_

Wolf ripped open the clue.

"Fly to Tazmily Village in the Nowhere Islands," read Wolf.

"_Teams must now fly to Tazmily Village in the Nowhere Islands!" said Crazy Hand. "Once there, they must drive to Thunder Tower! At the base of this tower, teams will find their next clue!"_

"Move," demanded Wolf, shoving Ganondorf aside.

"We showed all the other teams' sorry asses last leg that being forceful pays off," Ganondorf told the camera. "And the biggest lesson we learned on the first leg was that we're dealing with nine other teams of complete pansies."

"We did our part to rile up the other teams," added Wolf. "During our break at the pit stop, we called Homeland Security on Mario and Luigi, we severely filed Snake and Falcon's nails, and we spent five hours punching everyone in their sleep!"

"Okay Wolf," said Ganondorf, getting in a car. "Let's just go to the same airport as the one we arrived in."

"And our motto for this leg is what?" asked Wolf, raising an eyebrow.

"Everything is okay as long as someone suffers for it," remembered Ganondorf evilly.

"Which means this is okay!" Wolf grinned, stealing control of the car and driving over some children.

"Oh yeah," chuckled Ganondorf, taking pictures.

_Falco and King Dedede  
2__nd__ to Depart, 12:49am_

"Fly to Tazmily Village in the Nowhere Islands," read Falco.

"Yo, we better bust a move on down befo' Wolf and Ganon steal our turf on the flightizzle," urged King Dedede.

Falco blinked. "Can you just...um...not talk ever?"

"Dawg, you is trippin'!" proclaimed Dedede, offended. "You can't stifle me, holmes!"

"Oh, I disagree," replied Falco. "I'm afraid I can."

Falco pecked Dedede angrily.

Dedede frowned.

"For our people, that's like a kick in the groin," explained Falco.

Dedede understood.

_Snake and Falcon  
3__rd__ to Depart, 12:54am_

"My poor nails!" whined Snake, bursting into tears. "Manicure, pronto!"

"I'll get my gear out after I read this clue!" replied Falcon. "Just sit tight, buddy! Fly to Tazmily Village in the Nowhere Islands!"

Falcon paused.

"Uh, I of course do not own any manicuring material," said Falcon quickly.

"My naaaaaails!" sobbed Snake, his mascara running.

"Snake, watery things are coming from your eyes!" gasped Falcon. "Are they tears? Because men don't cry, remember?"

"They're-so-short!" panted Snake, hyperventilating. "My French tips are ruined!"

"But real men don't care abou-my nails are messed up too!" sobbed Falcon. "This is the worst thing that could have happened ever!"

Snake and Falcon collapsed on the ground, sobbing until the cameramen lifted them up into a car.

_Samus and Pikachu  
4__th__ to Depart, 1:05am_

"Make your way to Tassshmilly Village..." read Samus, utterly drunk.

"Looks like somebody partied a little too hard last night!" chuckled Pikachu. "Should I read the clues until you come to, have a massive hangover, pass out again and groggily wake up, honey?"

"Hey there Quentin!" cackled Samus, poking Pikachu's stomach. "You're a randy little fella, ain't ya?"

Samus fell asleep, giggling softly.

"There, there, it'll be alright," soothed Pikachu. "It'll be just like every other time this happens!"

Pikachu pulled out a brief pamphlet on what to do when Samus is drunk, and turned to page 462.

_Mario and Sonic  
5__th__ to Depart, 1:08am_

Mario and Sonic did their superhero handshake, and then Mario attempted to open the clue.

Mario was too weak to open the envelope.

"Drat-a!" cursed Mario. "I've lost my super powers-a!"

Mario tore the envelope in frustration.

"Oh-a..." sighed Mario.

"This race does a pretty good job of showing you how capable you are," Sonic told the camera. "And we've learned that just because we're superheroes doesn't mean we can't be defeated by the everyman. But we _have_ learned that we're pretty freaking awesome! Let's go, Mario!"

"Yeah, let's get super-a on their asses-a!" declared Mario.

Sonic played the Mario and Sonic team jingle.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
6__th__ to Depart, 1:13am_

"You have 181 dollars for this leg of the race," read Mr. Game and Watch, counting the money.

ROB froze.

"What?" asked Mr. Game and Watch fearfully.

"Don't you see? This amount of money is a palindrome!" gasped ROB. "You know what this means, right? Sarah Palin is tracking us!"

"Tracking us? She's probably hunting us, man!" cried Mr. Game and Watch. "We need to get out of here!"

"Quick! Head for the airport!" shouted ROB. "It's our only escape! We'll seek refuge in Tazmily Village!"

"If we win the million, we need to Cheney-ify her!" said Mr. Game and Watch savagely.

_Peach and Zelda  
7__th__ to Depart, 1:17am_

"Make your way to Tazmily Village in the Nowhere Islands," read Peach.

Peach walked over to her car and began driving close behind ROB and Mr. Game and Watch.

"I'm going to pass these guys, okay?" asked Peach nicely.

Zelda picked up her shotgun and blasted a hole through Peach's skull.

"RESPECT OTHER DRIVERS!" screamed Zelda angrily.

"I thought you'd have liked the idea of beating people!" whined Peach's shotgun wound.

"DISRESPECT OTHER DRIVERS!" screamed Zelda angrily. She began throwing salt at Peach's wound.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
8__th__ to Depart, 1:28am_

The pop ballad theme tune to Kirby and Meta Knight's lives played as they read the clue.

"Meta, turns out you're an okay person to run the race with," Kirby grinned, running to the car.

"Sure, sure," said Meta Knight offhandedly. "And you're an okay person to carry my bags."

An annoying laugh track played.

"Okay, I'll carry them, but I hope I won't get involved in any embarrassing incidents!" laughed Kirby.

Kirby picked up Meta Knight's bag, and accidentally dropped his own. Glass shattered inside the bag.

"And scene," finished Meta Knight, turning off his cheap camcorder. "I hope this gets us our own spinoff."

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
9__th__ to Depart, 1:28am_

"Make your way to the ocean and drown your teammate," read Luigi.

"That's not what the clue says, silly!" laughed Jigglypuff. "You're such a sweet, silly man!"

"I assure you, you're going to have to kill me," said Luigi solemnly.

"That's just what my first three husbands said!" Jigglypuff chuckled.

"What happened to them?" asked Luigi hopefully.

"They committed suicide because I wouldn't divorce them! Ever! I loved them! And I love you!" cackled Jigglypuff, foaming at the mouth.

Luigi chuckled to himself. "Ah, yeah...."

"...wait, what?"

_Ness and Lucas  
Last to Depart, 1:29am_

"Make your way to Tazmily Village!" read Lucas excitedly. "This is great! I've missed everyone!"

"Bo-ring!" scoffed Ness. "Who do you have to miss, anyway? You only have your dad!"

"That's not very nice," said Lucas, hurt.

"Well, you made fun of my friends!" argued Ness.

"No, I helped Jeff finish his science project and I tutored Paula so well she was accepted into Harvard," replied Lucas. "You, on the other hand, spent forty minutes laughing at Poo's name."

Ness stifled a grin. Lucas sighed.

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Who are these clowns behind us?" asked Snake, looking in the mirror. A car behind them was driving erratically through some buildings and children rather than the road.

"I think it's the superheroes," replied Falcon, looking at the car knock Samus and Pikachu's car into a roadside swamp.

"What are they doing?" asked Snake frantically. "They're going to get us all killed!"

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"What are you doing?" cried Sonic frantically. "You're going to get us all killed!"

"The Mariomobile is never this-a out of control-a!" panicked Mario, not touching the steering wheel. "I can't even-a find the invisibility button-a!"

"This isn't the Mariomobile! Brake! Brake!" yelled Sonic, as they sped towards a gas station.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Curse those fools!" cried Pikachu. "Who do they think they are, knocking other drivers off of the road like that?"

Samus wasn't listening.

"Are you drinking swamp water?" asked Pikachu, repulsed.

"No!" snapped Samus indignantly.

...

"Swamp Schnapps?" offered Samus, holding up a glass.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Hopefully this leg will be nice and relaxed, and nothing will go wrong," hoped ROB.

The gas station ahead of them burst into flames in a fiery explosion, sending Mario and Sonic's car airborne. The car crashed into Samus and Pikachu, who were sinking into the swamp, killing all four racers in a horribly painful death.

"Huh," blinked Mr. Game and Watch. "You don't see that every day."

"Quite," agreed ROB.

Some tumbleweed bounced past their car.

"Unidentified object!" screamed ROB, swerving to avoid the tumbleweed. "Neutralize the enemy!"

Mr. Game and Watch rolled down his window, and opened machine gun fire on the tumbleweed frantically.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I think the airport's to the right," decided Wolf, turning to a turnoff on the right.

A buzzer sound played.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"This way, Deeds," said Falco, driving to the left.

A 'ding' sound played.

"Yo, Wolf and G-dawg went the otha' way," noticed Dedede.

"Great, shut it," nodded Falco happily. "Hey, look! It's individually marked parking spaces, our best friends!"

Falco happily drove into the special parking space reserved for birds and other inferior races, such as other birds.

"Uh, Falcs?" asked Dedede hesitantly.

Falco looked at the offensive parking sign and sighed.

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"There's only one other car here!" smiled Falcon, getting out of the cab. "Good job, Snakey!"

"Aw, it was nothing!" Snake blushed. They jauntily skipped through the parking lot after Falco and King Dedede.

"Know what's funny?" asked Falcon. "I'm Captain Falcon, and that guy _is_ a falcon!"

Falco turned around and punched Falcon in the face.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Dumb mistake!" shouted Wolf angrily, storming into the parking lot.

"You idiot!" scolded Ganondorf, slapping Wolf upside the head.

"Oh, relax," snapped Wolf. "We're still better than everyone here."

"I am, anyway," asserted Ganondorf.

_Pastoria Airport_

"Can we get tickets on the first flight to Tazmily Village?" asked Falco.

"You can if you believe in yourself!" smiled the receptionist.

"Uh, okay," replied Falco. "Now can we get tickets?"

"Yeah, we believe!" smiled Snake.

Ganondorf pulled out a gun.

"That's the spirit, guys!" beamed the receptionist.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Snake and Falcon  
Wolf and Ganondorf  
1__st__, 2__nd__, and 3__rd__ on 1__st__ Sinnoh Air Flight_

"What time does the flight leave?" asked Ganondorf.

"Whatever time you want, if you use your imagination!" the receptionist grinned. "Let's all sing a song about acceptance and imagination!"

Ganondorf loaded his gun.

"2:15," said the receptionist hastily.

"How many seats are left?" asked Falcon anxiously.

"Oh, there's plenty!" cheered the receptionist. "I only give people who believe in themselves tickets!"

"Looks like everyone is getting on the same flight," Snake sighed, exasperated.

"Yeah, and that airport ensemble she's wearing is just bleeeurgh," agreed Falcon.

Falco, Dedede, Wolf and Ganondorf all looked at Falcon.

"He said it," Falcon hesitated, pointing at an aging Japanese businessman.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
4__th__ on 1__st__ Sinnoh Air Flight_

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch silently crept through the airport and over to the ticket counter.

"You don't know who I am, but I know where you work, and I can have a firing squad at the ready to take you down on my command," whispered Mr. Game and Watch coldly.

"Here are your tickets," said the ticket agent passively, handing Mr. Game and Watch flight tickets.

"Listen here, missy," threatened ROB. "My friend here is two dimensional, razor-sharp, and invisible to the naked eye. In one swift movement he could jump at you and slice you in half. So hand over the tickets."

"I did," replied the ticket agent.

"Oh," said ROB. "Have a nice day!"

Sped-up footage of the remaining six teams getting tickets was played. Really, there are only so many ways a simple transaction can take place. Laziness saves, kids.

"_All ten teams are on the same flight to Tazmily Village in the Nowhere Islands!" reminded Crazy Hand. "Once they land, they must make their way to Thunder Tower, where they will find their next clue!"_

_Tazmily Village, Nowhere Islands  
1__st__ Flight Landed_

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

The plane landed, and the puffballs immediately ducked under some feet and tore off to the marked cars.

"Run! Run!" cried Kirby, knocking over people while running in an exaggerated manner.

"Because there are so many other things to do," replied Meta Knight sarcastically.

"Ha, that was good, now it's my turn to be the straight man," Kirby chuckled.

"Run! Run!" cried Meta Knight, knocking over people while running in an exaggerated manner.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Haha, Lucas, look! Kirby and Meta Knight are doing a skit for their sitcom!" laughed Ness. "Let's watch!"

"Ness, we're supposed to be running!" panted Lucas, sprinting.

"But I want to have a moderately successful TV show too!" pouted Ness, ripping off Lucas' arm.

Blood splattered all over Ness, the car, and the cameraman.

"Oh my god, they killed Lucas!" cried Ness, in dismay.

"You bastards!" yelled the cameraman.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Two cars gone," counted Falco quickly. He got in a car. "Dedede, hurry!"

"But I is not finished mah breadcrumbs-" Dedede began, but Falco threw away the bag of breadcrumbs.

"These are staples of our heritage's stereotype!" shouted Falco. "You will eat fast food like a human! Now get in here!"

Falco dragged Dedede into the car, the latter sobbing heavily.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Make haste, Sonic-a! To the marked-a cars!" declared Mario, jumping dramatically out of the airport.

"Who is ahead of us?" asked Sonic, panicking. He picked up the breadcrumb bag. "Here's a clue! It must be our sworn enemies! Birdman and the Caped Penguin! After them, hurry!"

Sonic put on his cape and dived into the car.

"Zounds-a!" yelled Mario. "Here comes one of our other-a enemies! The nefarious Woman Man!"

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Get in the car," threatened Zelda, brandishing a gun.

"I'm in the car!" protested Peach, sitting in the car.

"Drive," threatened Zelda, loading the gun.

Peach shrugged and drove away, leaving Zelda behind.

"Now's my chance!" cackled Zelda evilly, jumping on the back of the car.

Zelda slashed the tyres.

"Let's see you escape this time!" snarled Zelda.

Zelda snapped back to reality. "Oh no, it's a flat tyre!"

Zelda changed the tyre and got into the car.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Samus, are you good to drive?" asked Pikachu jokingly. He laughed merrily at his own joke.

"Shure I am, Jigglypuff!" replied Samus drunkenly.

Pikachu's face fell. "I don't think they let you drive if you're drunk.....no, that's definitely a bad thing..."

"Yo momma's drunk!" snapped Samus. She threw Pikachu out of the driver's seat. "Let'sch shee if I can do thish..."

Samus hotwired the car, and ended up turning the radio to irritating Mexican polka music.

"I don't know –hic- how to drive legally," revealed Samus. Pikachu sighed.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"I can't believe this man offered to be our guide in the airport!" smiled Jigglypuff. "What's your name?"

"I am the Masked Man!" cackled the Masked Man evilly. "And I will bring swift death to all of you!"

"Excellent!" cheered Luigi. "Oh, can we keep you? Please? Come with us!"

Luigi excitedly skipped hand-in-hand with the Masked Man, and made sure to sit next to him in the car.

"Luigi, I think this guy wants to kill us!" panicked Jigglypuff.

"So do I, this rules!" cheered Luigi, overjoyed.

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"You'll drive," asserted Wolf in a surly tone, throwing Ganondorf into the driver's seat.

"Everyone's left already!" snarled Ganondorf. "This sucks!"

"Just speed," yawned Wolf, bored. "You'll catch 'em."

Ganondorf sped up to five times the speed limit, and ended up driving through the wall of the nearby police station.

Wolf groaned.

"Wooooolfy, you got some 'splaining to doooo!" said Ganondorf in a very original way.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 9__th__ Place_

"Look, an attack on the police station!" noticed ROB. "The police force here can't even repel rogue vehicles! Who else knows what they can't stop?"

"The media knows what else!" cried Mr. Game and Watch. "And they'll use that information to bring down society as we know it! Quick, ROB, we have to get to Thunder Tower and broadcast our message to other countries!"

"Other countries have perfected international communications?" asked ROB warily.

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in Last Place_

"OMG, there's a crash at the police station!" cried Falcon.

"I sure hope nothing happened to the boys in blue!" gasped Snake.

"You know, you would look great in a cop uniform," Falcon simpered.

"You would look great with handcuffs," replied Snake sexily.

"Oh Snake, you're so bad!" laughed Falcon.

"Because the chicks would love it," added Snake.

"Yeah, hot babes and such," agreed Falcon quickly.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

The two puffballs sat in traffic, bored.

"I can't believe the traffic pileup is so big," groaned Meta Knight. "There's got to be some easier way to get to Thunder Tower."

The cameraman turned backwards to look at a road sign for a quicker route to Thunder Tower.

"You think that means anything?" asked Kirby, looking at the cameraman.

"Nah, probably not, our cameramen suck, we need to get new ones for our spinoff," said Meta Knight.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Hey Lucas, the map says there's a quicker way to Thunder Tower!" smiled Ness.

"Yeah, I know it, I live here, there was a turnoff that we missed," replied Lucas.

"Well then, where are we on the map?" asked Ness, holding it up in front of his own face.

"Wait, aren't you driving?" asked Lucas, in the back seat.

Ness and Lucas' car crashed into a gas tanker and exploded. There were no survivors.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"This traffic is...unbearable..." sighed Falco, annoyed.

"Yo, I thought y'all knew where we is goin'," protested King Dedede angrily.

"I did, it's just...uh..." muttered Falco. He pulled out a bird toy. "See this, see this? Go get it!"

Falco threw the toy out of the window. King Dedede squawked and flew out of the window after it.

King Dedede landed on the high-speed motorway and was pummelled to death by speeding traffic.

"I hate myself," lamented Falco.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_"My super surveillance devices reveal that the map contains information on a quicker route to Thunder Tower!" announced Sonic, wearing reading glasses while looking at the map. "And my super tracker" – Sonic showed off a GPS system – "indicates that we've missed that route!"

"We've made a critical-a error!" panicked Mario. "We must call our super friends and-a explain our plight-a!"

Mario rolled down his window and shouted at the family SUV next to him.

"Excuse me, Middle-Aged Dead End Job Man-a!" called Mario. "Where's the next-a turnoff?"

"What?" asked the family's father.

"We don't know!" protested the mother.

"Zounds-a!" cried Mario. "Nobody can help us-a! Not even Housewife Man-a!"

The mother of the family campaigned to get the show banned.

"_We think we're popular with the viewers too," explained Sonic in a voice-over._

The show was successfully cancelled.

_Tazmily Police Station_

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
Villains_

"So, we crashed into your building," scoffed Wolf, getting out of the car. "What are you gonna do about it?"

"You crushed Chief Davis!" shouted a cop.

"We crushed Chief Davis," confirmed Ganondorf, looking at the corpse.

"Let me guess, you're going to try and arrest us," said Wolf. "Like that'll work."

"You're going to have to pay a fine," said the cop. "Then we'll arrest you or something."

"Dammit, let me get out my wallet," Ganondorf sighed. He rummaged through his backpack.

Ganondorf tossed out various items, including his sacks of cocaine and his weapons.

Ganondorf looked at the cops warily.

"And then he kidnapped me," invented Ganondorf wildly, pointing at Wolf. "He said he'd kill me if I didn't hold his stuff for him!"

"What?!" asked the cops, shocked.

"What?" asked Wolf flatly. Wolf was thrown in jail.

_Tazmily Village_

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Arranged Marriage_

"Turn here," said the Masked Man angrily. "Thunder Tower is this way, where I shall unleash my fury!"

"Yay! I can't wait for you to kill me!" cheered Luigi.

"Yay! I can't wait to get the next clue!" cheered Jigglypuff. "The aforementioned clue is at Thunder Tower, and not anywhere else!"

The bottom of Luigi's eye twitched.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Luigi and Jigs are turning in that way," noticed Mr. Game and Watch, driving behind them.

"Make sure you don't look them in the eye," warned ROB. "That's where Jigglypuff strikes. She'll take out that marker and inject you with her serum. She doesn't put people to sleep by singing, she drugs them. When you wake up you never have any memory of who you are."

"Wait, they've got a third person with them in that car!" cried Mr. Game and Watch. "She's about to take his soul! I must save him!"

Mr. Game and Watch jumped out of his driver's seat into the back of Luigi and Jigglypuff's car.

_Thunder Tower_

The Masked Man dived out of the car, followed by Luigi, who was trying to steal his sword.

Jigglypuff calmly walked out of the car. Mr. Game and Watch fell out of the car and broke his neck with ink on his face.

"Are you okay?" asked ROB, getting out of his own car.

"She got me..." breathed Mr. Game and Watch weakly. "I need you to suck out...the poison..."

Jigglypuff ran over to the clue, and the Masked Man tossed aside a perfectly alive Luigi and began plotting his evil reign...as the supervisor for the...

"Road Block!" read Jigglypuff, opening the clue. "Who wants to 'Ride the Lightning'?"

"_A Road Block is a task that only one person can perform!" revealed Crazy Hand. "And no one person can do more than six on the entire race!"_

"_In this Road Block, the chosen team member must climb a long flight of stairs inside Thunder Tower! Once they make it to the top, they must jump off of the tower!"_

"_That's really, really lame," butted in Master Hand._

"_Bite me, they took away our budget," snapped Crazy Hand. "And aren't you dead?"_

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I'll do it Luigi!" smiled Jigglypuff. "How hard can it be? All I'm doing's climbing and jumping, really!"

"Careful not to die," Luigi sighed sarcastically. "No, wait, remember to die! I want to be disqualified!"

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Ah, so there's some kind of reward being held hostage at the tower!" announced Mr. Game and Watch. "I'll embark on this mission solo!"

"Make sure to hide your directives from the enemy," urged ROB.

Mr. Game and Watch swallowed the clue, and began stealthily walking to the tower.

_Jigglypuff  
On Road Block_

"I have a slight fear of heights, but apart from that, I think the task will go well!" smiled Jigglypuff, climbing the stairs quickly.

_Mr. Game and Watch  
On Road Block_

Mr. Game and Watch pulled out a rag, doused it in chloroform, and approached Jigglypuff slowly.

"I think the task will go well!" smiled Jigglypuff for the camera.

Mr. Game and Watch smothered Jigglypuff, and threw her unconscious body aside. He did a quick roll through the door onto the top of Thunder Tower.

"WHERE'S THE HOSTAGE?!" barked Mr. Game and Watch, pulling out a machine gun. He violently dived off of Thunder Tower, shooting wildly into the air.

"You forgot your safety equipment!" called the Masked Man.

Mr. Game and Watch landed on the ground, breaking his spine.

"It was all a commie plot, all along..." coughed Mr. Game and Watch, dying.

ROB took the clue warily.

"Drive to Oshoe Castle..." read ROB.

"_Teams must now drive fifty miles to this place, Oshoe Castle!" said Crazy Hand. "This castle, famous for being in Mother 3 with some degree of significance, is where teams will find their next clue!"_

"I bet those medieval freaks at the castle still enforce capital punishment," groaned ROB.

"Aren't we for that?" asked Mr. Game and Watch, checking his political beliefs.

ROB looked thoroughly puzzled.

_Jigglypuff  
On Road Block_

A disorientated Jigglypuff stumbled onto Thunder Tower's roof, and haphazardly fell off of the building.

Luigi excitedly waited for his wife to break her neck.

She didn't.

"Guess I'm lucky I have no bones!" Jigglypuff chuckled.

"Can I see our swear jar, honey?" asked Luigi. Jigglypuff pulled out a jar.

Luigi shoved his wallet inside the jar, and began letting loose with a flurry of expletives.

_Tazmily Prison_

_Wolf and Ganondorf  
Villains_

Ganondorf paced the floor outside Wolf's jail cell.

"I can't believe you got me arrested," snarled Wolf angrily. "How long's my sentence, anyway?"

"Oh, it's life," replied the policeman airily, filling out some paperwork.

"I'm sorry, it just seemed like the only way to get myself out of trouble!" protested Ganondorf. "Look, maybe there's some way you can get paroled!"

"I was arrested for kidnapping my friend," retorted Wolf flatly. "They won't parole me! It's not like last year where we committed a few genocides and got away with it!"

The policeman looked up from his desk.

_Five seconds later..._

"Great job Wolf, now I'm in jail too!" berated Ganondorf, in the same jail cell.

"Wait a minute, I have an idea," said Wolf. "They said our sentences were for life, right?"

Ganondorf nodded slowly.

"So all we have to do is fake our deaths!" smiled Wolf. "We'll get out of jail, and all we have to do is create fake identities for ourselves and escape!"

"Brilliant!" Ganondorf grinned. "Okay, let's go!"

Wolf and Ganondorf collapsed.

"They're dead, move 'em out," said the policeman, not looking up from his desk.

"New name time," whispered Wolf, being thrown out of jail.

_Thunder Tower_

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Samus and Pikachu ran up to the cluebox, and Pikachu ripped open the clue.

"Road Block!" read Pikachu. "Who wants to ride the lightning?"

"Well, that's easy!" Samus chuckled. "We all know who the electricity user is on this team!"

"Yeah!" agreed Pikachu. "So, you wait here, and I'll go and-"

"I meant me," Samus frowned.

"Samus, you can't shoot electricity," Pikachu sighed.

"Can too!" protested Samus, breaking a bottle over Pikachu's head. "What about the Wave Beam, huh?"

"Look, over there!" cried Pikachu, pointing. Samus turned away, and Pikachu ran off to do the Road Block.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Road Block!" read Peach. "Who wants to-"

"You," finished Zelda, pulling out a gun.

"You sure do pull out guns a lot!" Peach chuckled nervously. "But sure, I'll do it!"

"Do you feel lucky, do you punk?" snarled Zelda, loading the gun.

"I said I'd do it," Peach frowned. "I didn't really set you up for that line..."

"I'm Spartacus!" argued Zelda, waving her gun.

"I'm just going to go over here now," said Peach, walking away.

"No, _I_ am your father," revealed Zelda.

_Pikachu  
On Road Block_

"I don't really feel as though I'm riding any lightning," lamented Pikachu. "The clue writers really suck this time around! If I knew it was climbing....wow, I wish Samus was here...then I could convince her there was booze at the top of the tower....then she'd carry me up...or maybe she'd just abandon me and hit me after finding out there's no booze...I don't really wish Samus was here anymore..."

The camera panned to less dull people.

_Peach  
On Road Block_

"I'm not sure if this was a great idea!" admitted Peach nervously, climbing out onto the rooftop.

Peach remembered who her teammate was.

"On the other hand, I sure do appreciate being alone!" smiled Peach.

_Pikachu  
On Road Block_

"So I just jump off?" asked Pikachu. "That's a bit boring, don't you think?"

"I just work here and kill people," remarked the Masked Man offhandedly.

Pikachu shrugged and jumped off.

"Why does everyone forget the safety gear?" asked the Masked Man.

_Peach  
On Road Block_

"Wow, I'm high up!" panicked Peach, looking over the edge.

"Are you going to be alright, ma'am?" asked the Masked Man.

"Can I have two sets of safety gear since that Pokemon didn't use his?" asked Peach jokingly.

"There was a stick guy and a balloon doing this, you can have theirs too," said the Masked Man, strapping Peach in to four sets of gear.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Make your way to Oshoe Castle..." read Pikachu.

"Let's go!" cheered Samus, sitting on a keg.

"Car's over there," pointed out Pikachu.

"I know..." cooed Samus sexily.

"Okay," nodded Pikachu. "Wait, what?"

_Peach  
On Road Block_

"This is scary!" panicked Peach. "I'm not sure if I can do it!"

The Masked Man was shot with an air rifle.

"You're next!" cried an impatient Zelda.

Peach screamed and jumped off of the tower, kicking and screaming all the way.

"That was the scariest thing ever!" whined Peach upon landing.

"What about all of my murdering ways?" asked Zelda indignantly.

"I am sorry Miss Zelda, but to really scare me, all you need is some height!" laughed Peach shakily.

"Really?" asked Zelda evilly.

Peach decided to read the clue as a distraction.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Lucas, could you at least act excited about being in your hometown?" asked Ness angrily. "This could be our big break!"

"I was nearly executed at this tower," said Lucas stiffly, getting out of the car.

"Waa, waa, get over it," scoffed Ness. "Road Block, who's ready to ride the lightning, are you, Lucas?"

"I morally can't go in there!" protested Lucas, jerking a thumb at the tower. "You'll have to do it!"

"Crybaby! Crybaby!" taunted Ness. "You suck, Lucas!"

Lucas tapped Ness on the shoulder.

Ness burst into tears.

Lucas sighed and walked towards the tower.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"We're right behind the kids!" noticed Kirby. "And it's a Road Block!"

Kirby and Meta Knight both turned to look at the camera in mock awe.

"Say Kirby, you know what they call a Road Block in France?" asked Meta Knight.

"I don't know Meta Knight, what?" asked Kirby, stifling laughter.

"Royale with cheese!" laughed Meta Knight.

Both puffballs laughed heartily, and Meta Knight walked off to do the Road Block.

Kirby played his laugh track pre-recording.

_Lucas  
On Road Block_

Lucas closed his eyes and jumped blindly off of the tower.

"The memories!" cried Lucas. "They're all coming back!"

_A small black haired boy was being beaten by his parents for being a 'psycha-whatchamacallit freak'._

"Wait, these aren't my memories," frowned Lucas.

"_Don't tell anybody," whispered Ness sexily into Jeff's ear._

Lucas landed on the ground and gave Ness a weird look.

"So, Oshoe Castle," remarked Ness airily.

_Meta Knight  
On Road Block_

"Uh oh!" called Meta Knight in a stage cry. "Looks like I'm about to fall!"

"I sure hope you don't land in this cup of water!" Kirby chuckled, holding a cup at the bottom of the tower.

Meta Knight dived off of the tower, and landed in the cup. Immediately, he began burning to death.

"Fooled you!" Kirby chuckled. "It's actually acid and lye! I switched them! Come on, let's go to Oshoe Castle!"

_Oshoe Castle_

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Luigi frantically drank from a cup. However, it was only water.

"Damn cups! Must have been switched last pit stop!" cursed Luigi. "Ah well, I'm sure this castle has like, torture devices or something..."

"You mean like...whips?" asked Jigglypuff sexily.

"Hey, what d'you know!" laughed Luigi. "It _is_ possible for me to want to kill myself even more!"

"I sure hope I haven't been a bad girl," Jigglypuff flirted, batting her eyelashes.

"WHY IS THIS STILL WATER?!" yelled Luigi, frantically sculling the contents of the cup.

Jigglypuff walked to the clue box and opened the clue.

"Hours of operation: 7:00am to 7:00pm," read Jigglypuff. "Well, it looks like we're alone out here...Luigi....babe....whips...yeah."

"My cup is broken, it's broken!" screamed Luigi desperately.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Hours of operation: 7:00am to 7:00pm," read ROB.

"I see, so we're staying out here overnight," reasoned Mr. Game and Watch. "ROB, if dementia settles in, I want you to shoot me. Right here, in the chest. I must die with dignity, as my ancestors would have wanted!"

"Pre-emptive euthanasia, I see," said ROB cautiously. "How do I know this isn't just another elaborate scheme to assassinate me while my guard is down? I've got my eye on you, you slippery xenophobe."

"I wasn't Five-Star General Game and Watch for nothing," warned Mr. Game and Watch. "If it has to come down to a firefight, I'm prepared to steal those medals once again!"

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"We had such a good first leg!" remembered Falcon bitterly. "But now we're completely lost!"

"Quick, I drew a map on my body!" cried Snake, tearing off his shirt. "We can use it!"

Falcon excitedly turned around (letting go of the steering wheel) and traced his finger along the map.

"Oh, or we could use the map that's on paper," said Falcon, noticing the cameras.

"That's also good," Snake chuckled, wiping the ink off his body.

"I'll do that," whispered Falcon.

_Thunder Tower_

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

POW! Mario and Sonic ran over to the clue box.

"Road Block!" read Sonic. "Who's ready to ride the lightning?"

"I guess it's-a me, Mario!" chuckled Mario. "After all-a, I love to ride the technicolour-a dreamscape! Lightning can't be much different-a!"

Sonic gasped. "Drug use is no joke, Mario!"

"That's right-a, Sonic," grinned Mario, looking at the camera. "Superheroes never take drugs, kids! Why should you?"

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"Yo, yo, yo, Road Block!" cheered King Dedede excitedly. "I be all over this, mang!"

"Nah, I'll take this one," said Falco. "You just relax."

Falco ran off.

"Dag, yo," lamented Dedede. "I be alone."

_Mario  
On Road Block_

"I know what I'm-a doing," Mario grinned at the camera. "I perform daring feats-a like this all the time-a!"

Mario tripped over.

"A new encounter-a!" cursed Mario. "Damn you and your evil plots, wretched Floor Man-a, you vile fiend!"

_Falco  
On Road Block_

"I hate to say it, but I think my natural ability to fly might come in handy for a jumping Road Block," assumed Falco. "It's almost as if this task was designed with my people in mind!"

"It was," said the cameraman. "Because birds are inferior servants, so they have to jump if we tell them to."

"I hate everyone in this show!" yelled Falco angrily.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Make your way to Oshoe Castle!" read Sonic, after Mario had landed on him. "Come on, step it up! We can beat the birds there!"

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"F-money, I coulda done that!" yelled Dedede angrily, as Falco swooped down upon him.

"Yeah, sure, what would you have done?" asked Falco sceptically. "Crushed Mario and fell down quickly because you're so fat?"

"Well, yeah, man," nodded King Dedede. "'Dat's exactly it, yo."

"Oh," Falco frowned. "Never mind then."

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"We're still lost!" pouted Snake angrily. "I hate this!"

"Calm down, Snake," cooed Falcon. "Maybe you'd feel better if you massaged me..."

Snake awkwardly began to massage Falcon's shoulders.

"I don't feel any better," said Snake, confused.

"Exactly," whispered Falcon. "But _I_ do..."

"Oh, well that's...good...then," chuckled Snake naively.

Falcon made some very strange and inappropriate noises.

_Kate and Jennifer  
Florists_

"Ready to begin our new lives?" asked Wolf, putting on his disguise.

"Running from the law sucks," observed Ganondorf, dressed as a woman.

"We can't be that far away from the tower now," reasoned Wolf. "Just try to keep a low profile."

"I guess I could do that," shrugged Ganondorf. "Should we practice having higher voices?"

"Oh...crap..." Wolf sighed in his deep Southern accent.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"What is this mysterious 'castle' anyway?" asked Sonic. "There's none of them in my home planet of Sonictopia!"

"Nor in my home land of Mariotopia!" agreed Mario. "We must-a use our super ingenuity to figure this problem-a out!"

"I've got some super ingenuity," said Sonic, producing a bag of cocaine.

Mario and Sonic looked at the bag.

"Didn't we just do a bit-a on how drugs are bad-a?" asked Mario.

"So super ingenuity's out," shrugged Sonic, throwing away the bag. "We'll have to do this the old fashioned way!"

"Speeding!" cheered Mario and Sonic at the same time.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

Pikachu grabbed onto his seat nervously, as Samus sped down the roads, drunk.

"Which way do I turn here, Togepi?" asked Samus, intoxicated.

"That way, any way, just stop drinking for all that is holy and 8-bit!" screamed Pikachu.

"Don't get vague with me, Bulbasaur!" shouted Samus.

"Use the map!" cried Pikachu, being flung into the glove compartment after a suspicious shudder of the car.

"Do you think I can read like this, Mewtwo?" asked Samus, dropping bottles on Pikachu.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Yo, I ain't doin' crap with this map," grunted King Dedede, driving. "All these dang ol' turns and such, it's hard to follow, amirite?"

"I kind of think we're not supposed to be driving through the farms," guessed Falco.

"What d'you know?" asked Dedede sceptically. "Yo' a bird!"

"So are you-never mind..." sighed Falco. "Racism just brings out the worst in people...I won't stoop to your level...you filthy bird."

_Oshoe Castle_

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Mario and Sonic's car successfully crashed into the castle walls and blew up.

"Huzzah!" cheered Mario. "We successfully-a arrived at the castle-a! I did it!"

Sonic was killed in the explosion.

"Oh no, Sonic-a!" cried Mario. "I will use my telepathy to-a contact his home planet-a!"

Mario opened his eyes wide and stared into space.

Rats dragged away part of Sonic's super corpse.

POW! Mario shrugged and took the clue.

DECOMPOSE! Is what Sonic did.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
1__st__ to Castle_

Luigi looked at Sonic's dead body.

"Even superheroes get to die!" complained Luigi at the camera, taking pills.

Luigi failed to overdose.

"OH COME ON!" screamed Luigi.

_Mario and Sonic  
3__rd__ to Castle_

"I can't believe we're-a the only team here!" smiled Mario. "I am so super awesome-a!"

"There's other teams here, Mario!" gasped a now alive Sonic. "Our super powers made us super bronze!"

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
1__st__ to Castle_

Luigi ran at the castle walls, head first.

His skull failed to shatter to pieces.

"I! WANT! OUT! OF! THIS! RACE!" screamed Luigi, seeing the heroes approach.

"Hi honey!" smiled Jigglypuff.

"NOW!" added Luigi.

_Mario and Sonic  
3__rd__ to Castle_

"I can prove it to you that we're-a first-a!" smiled Mario. "I have the latest issue of-a Mario and Sonic Comics-a!"

Mario pulled out a comic book, and began to read.

"'Mario, how are you so cool-a?' asked Mario's lame friend Sonic-a. 'Well Sonic-a, it's because I'm super awesome-a!' Mario, the greatest person ever-a replied! Sonic understood-a, and realised that they would win the-a race!" read Mario.

"There's like two teams over there!" laughed Sonic. "I used my super sight!"

Mario cursed and erased some of the panels of his comic book.

Mario dashed over to Luigi, who was trying to lodge himself inside of a large cannon.

"Luigi-a, my inferior brother-a!" chuckled Mario. "What place are Sonic and I in-a?"

"Third," replied Luigi angrily. "You're behind us, stop rubbing it in."

"Third-a?" repeated Mario ecstatically. "Sonic-a, make haste! Let's make a comic about how dumb the teams we-a passed are-a!"

"I think there's already a story about how dumb the teams on this race are!" pointed out Sonic.

"Where can you find such a story-a?" asked Mario, shocked.

"Why, on the internet of course!" smiled Sonic.

POW! BAM! DIAL-UP! Sonic hooked a computer up to thin air using his super powers.

"?" repeated Mario. "It sounds seriously lame-a!"

"Shut up, you make comic books about yourself," pointed out Luigi. "Sonic, do you think you could look up suicide on Wikipedia for me?"

"No! Wait, why? I mean, no!" protested Sonic. "That's it, Luigi! You're not super enough to hang out with us!"

"Who let you two idiots on this show anyway?" ranted Luigi. "In fact, who casts this damn thing? I don't even _like_ my wife, and we're being forced to go around the world together! Half of these teams need to be put away in solitary confinement! Nobody wants to spend twelve weeks of their lives watching freaks like us do this crap! I hate this show, I hate the concept, I hate Master Hand, I hate you guys, I hate the other eight teams, and I hate my life!"

"Hey, baby," purred Jigglypuff sexily, coming up behind Luigi. "You're so hot when you're angry..."

"And I hate **you** the most!" screamed Luigi.

"Come on Luigi, you're being mean!" cried Jigglypuff. "I like Marie and Enrique!"

"Mario and Sonic," replied Luigi flatly.

"Whatever!" scoffed Jigglypuff. "What's not to like about them?"

"We're the best team ever-a!" cheered Mario, jauntily punching random strangers in the stomach. Sonic playfully shot some super bullets into the air.

Luigi walked off angrily.

_Falco and King Dedede  
4__th__ to Castle_

Falco and King Dedede screeched to a halt in front of the castle grounds, covered in blood and feathers.

"Oh no, yo," gasped Dedede, sweating.

"What have we done?" gasped Falco. "The chicken coop...We...didn't see it...our comrades...gone, all gone..."

Falco began shivering uncontrollably.

"Hey guys!" smiled Jigglypuff obliviously.

Falco burst into tears, and Dedede looked at his hands in disbelief.

"Dawg, we is bad people," choked Dedede, sobbing.

_Thunder Tower_

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 9__th__ Place_

"Are you ready to do this?" asked Falcon.

"I'm always ready for you, Captain," replied Snake coyly. "Let's open this clue. Together."

Snake put his hand on the envelope, and Falcon put his hand on Snake's. They tore the clue open in a slow, sensual manner.

The cameraman demanded a raise.

"Road Block," read Snake. "Who's ready to ride the lightning? Ooh, how did they know that's one of our favourite pastimes?"

"I'll do this Road Block, don't worry," smiled Falcon, running off to the tower.

Falcon enthusiastically sprinted up the tower's stairs.

"If we're not last, I'm positive Falcon and I will work our way up and show the other teams what we're made of," Snake assured the camera confidently.

Falcon jumped off of the tower, and ran back to Snake, looking thoroughly disappointed.

"I didn't get to ride anything!" complained Falcon.

"Oh, you will," whispered Snake. "You're going to ride...uh...oops...the hot fangirls! Yeah, that's it! Not any men!"

"Aww-er, yay!" cheered Falcon. "Make your way to Oshoe Castle!"

_Oshoe Castle_

_Samus and Pikachu  
5__th__ to Castle_

Samus drunkenly drove through the castle gates, running over Sonic.

"Woohoo, castle!" cheered Samus euphorically, throwing several beer cans in the air in celebration.

"Never...do that...again...." Pikachu panted, clutching his heart in agony. "I think my heart stopped....and I think this is an hour of operation thing..."

"Woohoo, bunching!" cheered Samus euphorically, throwing Pikachu in the air in celebration.

_Peach and Zelda  
6__th__ to Castle_

"Okay Miss Zelda, I think we're supposed to just wait here until the castle opens," smiled Peach. "I brought you your lunch!"

Peach happily tossed a dripping-red bag to Zelda.

"And what do you have to eat today?" asked Peach sweetly, pulling out some healthy fruit and vegetables.

Zelda took Link's arm out of the bag and began eating sloppily.

"The usual," said Zelda, spitting out pieces of tunic.

_Ness and Lucas  
7__th__ to Castle_

"Oh no," groaned Lucas. "This is hours of operation...this means I'll have to sit out here for hours, staring at the surroundings...constantly being reminded of my tragic childhood..."

Ness slapped Lucas. "Snap out of it, wuss! You're pathetic!"

"Ness, I lost my mother and twin brother," replied Lucas. "You have no idea what it feels like."

"One time, I put my shoe on the wrong foot!" Ness grinned naively. "I know exactly what true suffering is!"

Lucas sighed, while Ness blinked stupidly.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
8__th__ to Castle_

"Oh boy, the supporting characters!" grinned Meta Knight, walking into the castle grounds and seeing the other teams.

"Good, because I figured out what'll get us our own show!" smiled Kirby. "We need to shoot none other than some sexy footage of us and our hot bodies!"

"Capital idea!" agreed Meta Knight. "Kirby, you go over there and do a sensual dance for the princess girls! I'll try to get some of the others to be sexy too!"

Kirby kicked his shoes off for Peach and Zelda. _Sexily._

Meta Knight walked up to ROB and Mr. Game and Watch with some camera equipment.

Needless to say, neither plan worked well.

_Thunder Tower_

_Ralph and Gordon-dorf  
Currently in Last Place_

"Okay, I don't see any cops following us," said Wolf cautiously, pulling into Thunder Tower. He pulled the clue out. "Read this quietly, Ganond-crap! I mean Gordon...dorf...!"

"Road Block, who wants to ride the lightning, I'll do it..." whispered Ganondorf. He carefully tiptoed up the tower's stairs.

"We messed up badly by getting arrested," Wolf quietly told the camera. "But our team effort helped us escape, and we just hope we can surge ahead once again..."

Ganondorf ever-so-daintily ran straight off of the tower, and panicked his way right back to Wolf.

"W-Ralph, there's a security camera in the tower! We need to move! Now!" panicked Ganondorf. "Oshoe Castle, yeah, whatever, let's go!"

"What?!" asked Wolf, startled.

Ganondorf picked Wolf up by the face and threw him in the trunk of the car before hastily driving off.

_Oshoe Castle_

_Snake and Falcon  
9__th__ to Castle_

"Hi guys!" cheered Falcon, prancing into the castle grounds. "What's going on?"

"Are you having fun waiting outside?" asked Snake cheerfully.

"Not much fun," Kirby sighed. "Meta Knight and I are trying to make sexy footage for our spinoff show, but nobody will help us!"

"I know somebody who can help," Snake smirked mischievously.

"I might know someone too," Falcon smirked. "Hit it!"

Snake pulled out a stereo and tacky rave music played as the two manly men of manliness pulled off their shirts and did what can only be described as the entire gay rave scene condensed into two people.

Kirby and Meta Knight's faces were frozen in shock.

"W-we don't want to do this anymore," said Meta Knight at last.

_Crash and Master Chief  
Last to Castle_

Several hours later, Wolf and Ganondorf's car crashed into the indents made by other cars who had already crashed into the castle, and the villains stepped out cautiously.

"Hours of operation?" asked Wolf incredulously. "We could catch up after all!"

"I hope so, I think we might have got here just in time," admitted Ganondorf.

The castle opened.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"Run! Run! Run!" called Pikachu. "We need to be blessed by that first clue!"

"Don't worry!" Samus chuckled, hiccupping. "I can do anything with my liquor pals!"

Samus looked up and saw that the cluebox was on the castle roof.

"Come here, you!" cheered Samus, jumping up towards the roof.

Samus smacked herself against the wall and fell over, bleeding.

"This is why I only get drunk on water!" Pikachu grinned cheesily, picking up Samus' body.

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink-Wearing Blondes_

"Mr. Pikachu's in the way moving his wife!" complained Peach. "Can you bribe him to let us past?"

"Heeeey, Pikachu," Zelda grinned seductively, turning her back on Pikachu and unzipping her dress.

A torrent of blood spewed from the self-inflicted stab wounds on Zelda's back, drenching Pikachu Shining-style.

"I guess you're the pretty one," Zelda sulked to Peach.

_Snake and Falcon  
....Friends?!_

"Ewww!" screamed Snake and Falcon simultaneously, seeing Zelda. "Ew, naked girls, yuck!"

Snake and Falcon tried to cover each other's eyes while running.

"Was that your chloroform hand?" asked Snake.

"Was that yours?" asked Falcon.

Snake and Falcon both passed out, landing on top of Samus and Pikachu.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Look, those two queer fellows have just been drugged," noticed Mr. Game and Watch.

"Diabolical!" cursed ROB. "Clearly they've drugged themselves as an elaborate terrorist plot to rid the world of homophobia! Well I'm not going to stand for it! Interrogate their candy asses!"

"But they're sort of...unconscious," said Mr. Game and Watch uncertainly. "They must be lying in wait, ready to assassinate us! Nowhere is safe! Retreat to the castle, Sergeant ROB!"

"On the double, Lieutenant Mr. Game and Watch!" ROB concurred.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Arranged Marriage_

"That's three people knocked out, one drowned, and several trying to kill everyone," counted Luigi, leisurely strolling. "Why can't I die in one of these scenes?"

Jigglypuff was dead.

"Oh, come on!" sulked Luigi. "Even my teammate? I want to die, dammit!"

"I was just fooling you!" cheered Jigglypuff. "I'm alive and perfectly healthy!"

"Seriously, now I want out even more!" complained Luigi. "Bring it! Right now! Kill me!"

Nobody killed Luigi.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Come on Lucas, all the n00by teams are right behind us!" whined Ness. "Can't you speed things up?"

"It's just...so much...murder..." panted Lucas, shocked. "Why does it have to be like this?"

"Because...your mom!" chuckled Ness.

Lucas was horrified.

"Yo, Luke?" asked Ness. "You okay?"

Lucas fainted.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"Seems as if the Chief has fainted!" noticed Sonic, seeing Lucas.

"Quick-a, I'll erase his memories of any trauma!" declared Mario.

Mario tenderly made out with Lucas' unconscious body.

"Mario, what the hell are you doing?" asked Sonic, disgusted.

"Superman can erase memories with a kiss-a, can't he?" asked Mario angrily. "I should be able to do it too-a!"

_Cloud and Pacman  
Villains_

"Do we really still have to run from the law?" asked Ganondorf.

"It just makes sense that we continue to change our names," nodded Wolf. "Remember, our lives are on the line if the cops catch us again!"

"I want to be Cloud next time," Ganondorf sulked.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"Maybe sex appeal wasn't our thing," reasoned Kirby as they ran to the castle.

"Yeah, we should try a different approach," agreed Meta Knight. "Like violence!"

Kirby and Meta Knight pulled out guns and began shooting nearly everyone to death, ending by shooting themselves.

They missed only Luigi, who cursed loudly.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Why did those puffballs kill us?" asked Falco angrily. "Is it because they're racists too?"

"No, dawg, they smoked everyone," replied King Dedede.

"But they still killed us!" shouted Falco. "Those damn birdists! They should have let us live!"

"Dawg, if they let us livizzle, we'd be excluded," pointed out Dedede.

"That's true!" gasped Falco. "It's a conundrum of intolerance! A conunterance, I say!"

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"Come on guys, let's all mosey on down to that there cluebox!" grinned Samus to the other teams, pointing at the roof.

"No more of these," reprimanded Pikachu, taking away Samus' alcohol.

"I'm drunk on orange juice!" Samus grinned happily.

"Oh my Wright, give me that!" yelled Pikachu angrily, fumbling for the carton.

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink-Wearing Blondes_

"Why won't any of the teams recognise my obvious sexiness?" demanded Zelda.

"Maybe they don't like you," suggested Peach. "You're not exactly the most diplomatic of-"

Zelda killed everyone except Luigi violently.

"COME ON!" shouted Luigi angrily. "What the hell kind of injustice is this?!"

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"There's a definite group of frontrunners up ahead, but right now it's a free for all to get to the rooftop," explained Falco, as King Dedede was trampled.

_Fitzgerald and Amadeus  
Villains_

"Those damn superheroes," cursed Wolf angrily as Mario and Sonic tore past him. "Going up and just abusing their super powers all over us."

"Want me to kill them?" asked Ganondorf.

"Well, of course I do!" replied Wolf. "But we're still on the lam! We can't murder anyone!"

"Rats!" cried Ganondorf, slapping his knee in frustration.

_Castle Rooftop_

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"We basically owned everyone in that free for all!" smiled ROB happily. "It's part of our clear racing talent!"

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch were throwing grenades down the stairs.

"Admiral ROB, move out!" screamed Mr. Game and Watch, jumping off of the roof and deploying a parachute.

ROB blinked for a couple of seconds, and then opened the clue. "Drive yourselves to Tazmily Square..."

"_Teams must now drive over two hundred miles to Tazmily Square, the exact center of the village!" said Crazy Hand. "Once there, teams will find their next clue!"_

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Drive to Tazmily Village!" read Pikachu. "Samus, come on, we're near the front of the pack, I think!"

"You look really hot in those pants, mister," cackled Samus drunkenly. "I just want to grab you and make a woman out of you, Pikachort!"

Samus began humming to herself.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Pikachu, Samus! We should work together!" suggested Jigglypuff, reading the clue.

"No, there's a chance that they'll help us win the race," sighed Luigi. "How about we-"

"Wheee!" shouted Samus, firing a pistol around randomly. A bullet grazed the top of Luigi's cap dangerously.

"On second thought, making new friends is always good," smiled Luigi. "Okay, let's do it."

"No thanks!" called Pikachu, running off.

Luigi sighed.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Tazmily Village," read Zelda. "We can easily aggro our way to first place now!"

"Miss Zelda, I'm not aggressive!" Peach giggled. "That's just you!"

"Really?" asked Zelda nicely. "Let's see how aggressive you can be when I RIP OFF YOUR ARM!"

Zelda ripped off Peach's arm, killing her immediately.

"Oh, I guess she isn't that aggressive after all," realised Zelda.

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Alright, we're working our way up the placings!" Snake grinned.

"It feels good not to suck!" Falcon chuckled.

"That's not what you said last night!" Snake sulked.

"Yeah...wait, what?" asked Falcon.

_Kirby and Meta Kni-er, Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

Kirby and Meta Knight and Wolf and Ganondorf emerged from the staircase next, but Mario and Sonic used their super powers to stab them to bloody pulps.

STAB! SLICE! MURDER!

Mario and Sonic stepped over the bodies and pulled the clue out.

"Quick, to the sixth place mobile!" declared Sonic.

Mario and Sonic got into a Hummer and drove off at a very modest pace.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"What's wrong with those guys?" asked Kirby angrily, coming back from the dead.

"Mario and Sonic are freaking weirdos!" complained Meta Knight. "Not even in the charming way that all the other teams are!"

Kirby and Meta Knight took a clue from the cluebox and angrily stormed downstairs.

"At least Sakurai understand us!" cheered Kirby merrily.

Kirby tripped, and Sakurai laughed.

"My clue!" cried Kirby. "It broke!"

The clue had a tiny tear in the corner.

"Oh no!" panicked Meta Knight. "I'll go get another one!"

Meta Knight picked up the entire clue box, and ran back to Kirby, a few clues spilling out onto the stairs.

"Yay!" cheered Kirby. "I feel better now!"

_Harrison and Jim  
Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"Mario and Sonic," said Ganondorf grimly to the camera as he picked up the clue from the stairs, "are the two most unbearable cretins I have ever met."

Wolf nodded shakily. "Make your way to Tazmily Village..."

"They made Wolf cry!" continued Ganondorf.

"No they didn't," replied Wolf.

"CRY, WOLF! CRY ABOUT YOUR INSECURITIES!" screamed Ganondorf. "Fill the car with your tears! Go on! Sob and whine like a little bitch!"

Ganondorf started punching Wolf.

"Anyway, yeah, everyone hates Mario and Sonic," said Ganondorf.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Where did we park?" asked ROB, running up to the cars.

"Which car was ours again?" asked Mr. Game and Watch.

One of the cars exploded.

"The one with the timed charge," replied ROB. "I wasn't taking any chances!"

"But now we need another one!" cried Mr. Game and Watch. "The government has duped us again!"

"This is why I don't vote!" ROB frowned angrily.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Oh no, I don't think we can use the car we used to get here!" despaired Pikachu.

"Why?" asked Samus.

The car was a mangled heap at the foot of the castle walls, leaking motor oil.

"Your drunk driving," replied Pikachu, irritated.

"Yeah...that was fun..." sighed Samus wistfully. "Remember the part when-oh, I don't remember any parts..."

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Jigglypuff dragged Luigi into their car, and drove off happily.

"Looks like the soldier guys and that other married couple couldn't find their cars!" Jigglypuff chuckled.

"Some teams have all the luck," replied Luigi icily.

"That's right, Luigi!" cheered Jigglypuff. "We are lucky!"

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Huh, looks like we were able to pass a few teams," said Meta Knight, reading the italics.

"We were allowed to take the cluebox with us in the car, right?" asked Kirby, sitting in the back seat with the clue box.

"Probably, whatever, outlandish stunts like these are what viewers want!" reassured Meta Knight.

"I can't wait for the spinoff!" nodded Kirby, understanding.

_That Guy and That Other Guy  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"I knew these teams were brainless," chuckled Wolf, driving casually. "We're in about third or fourth right now, and the teams who were first at the clue box still haven't left."

"We're so awesome!" cheered Ganondorf. "I feel like we should celebrate!"

Wolf drove over some small children. Ganondorf gave mild applause.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Damn Peach, I'm hungry," realised Zelda. "I need some road snacks...pass me that bag with Link's arm in it!"

"You're driving!" panicked Peach, as the car swerved erratically.

"Sure, whatever, now give me the bag!" grinned Zelda creepily.

Peach handed Zelda the bag. Link's arm fell out onto Zelda's lap.

...

"You killed Link!" screamed Zelda. "I hate you! You killed my boyfriend!"

"What?!" asked Peach, confused.

"We are no longer friends!" bellowed Zelda, still not looking at the steering wheel.

Peach began to cry out of fear.

"Oh, don't cry!" Zelda simpered. "You can be my new boyfriend!"

Zelda cackled insanely, and shoved Link's bloodstained hat over Peach's head.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"All-a the teams are tightly packed together-a!" noticed Mario nervously, looking at the wing mirror. "Do something, Sonic-a!"

"I'll fly at them and fire them into the sun!" cackled Sonic evilly.

Sonic dived at Peach and Zelda's car.

"TO BE CONTINUED-A!" bellowed Mario, drawing a new comic book while driving.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Can you fill us up quickly?" asked Falco, at a gas station. "We're kind of in a rush."

"Dag, yo, got any qua'ta's?" asked Dedede, running out of money.

"Oh, don't worry!" smiled the gas station worker, appearing suddenly. "There's a bird discount! After all, we know that birds aren't allowed money!"

Falco sighed heavily, and stomped off back to the car.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

Sonic bounced off of the trunk and landed back in his own car.

"Miss Zelda, I don't know if I'd make a very good boyfriend," admitted Peach.

"Why?!" screeched Zelda, pulling out a knife. "What's wrong with me? Is there someone else? Answer me, dammit!"

Zelda stabbed Peach violently.

"Well, I'm a girl for one thing," Peach winced, pulling the knife out and handing it back to Zelda.

"You're tearing this relationship apart!" bellowed Zelda insanely, killing Peach and then herself.

Mario drew some exciting panels for his comic book.

Zelda looked up from being dead and noticed that all of the cars were tightly packed together.

"Oh, what the hell is going on now?" demanded Zelda.

"Looks like a traffic jam," noticed Peach.

"Thank you Peach, now shut up," smiled Zelda. "It looks like everyone's going to be equalized!"

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"So, it seems everyone's all together on the roads," noticed Mr. Game and Watch. "Tactical ops for our next phase of attack will be to go down, firing wildly, until one of our dead bodies knocks the clue box away from the other teams!"

"Ingenious!" ROB grinned. "I guess that's why you got bumped up to Private First Class!"

"Why do our ranks change so much?" wondered Mr. Game and Watch.

"Don't question it, Waiter Mr. Game and Watch!" reprimanded ROB.

_Dave and David  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Ten cars," noticed Wolf irritably. "Ten cars in a straight forward line, and the clue box is **right there.**"

"This is without a doubt, the stupidest traffic jam I have ever been in," observed Ganondorf.

"Let's fix it, then," shrugged Wolf.

Wolf got out of the car, intending to do some murdering.

A police car was the eleventh car behind the ten teams.

Wolf was mowed down by police gunfire.

The other teams noticed Wolf and began running out of their cars to the clue box.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Wow, I got here first!" smiled Jigglypuff happily. "Luigi, are you ready to read the clue? Luigi, hello, where are you?"

Luigi was running back and forth through the police gunfire, being missed every time.

"Oh come on!" taunted Luigi. "Kill me! Or kill the pink puffball so I can escape her! Either one's fine, I'm not really particular about this!"

The police gunned down Kirby.

Luigi sighed, and walked over to Jigglypuff and the clue.

"Detour!" read Jigglypuff. "Capture or Rapture!"

"_A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with their own pros and cons!" explained Crazy Hand. "In this Detour, teams must choose between two activities relating to Porky's corrupt government, the Pig Mask Army! The choice: Capture or Rapture!"_

"_In Capture, teams must search Tazmily Village for one of a possible ten members of the Pig Mask Army! Once they find their member, he'll give them the next clue!"_

"_In Rapture, teams must go to the nearby Tazmily Prison and convince one of ten prisoners to conform to the idealistic beliefs of the Pig Mask Army, through three steps! First, they must hand them a provided pamphlet! Then, they must start a smear campaign against Porky's opposition, which was some blond kid or whatever! Finally, they must present the prisoner with a Pig Mask uniform! While it's clearly a harder task, this task will surely buy teams more airtime!"_

"What one do you want to do, sweetie?" asked Jigglypuff sweetly.

"I really, really don't care," replied Luigi flatly.

"Onto Capture, then!" smiled Jigglypuff, dragging Luigi away.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Hey, I have an idea!" Pikachu grinned, reading the Detour options. "We can do Rapture, and you can relate to all of the lowlifes and inmates!"

"What would I have in common with them?" sniffed Samus haughtily, through gulps of bourbon.

Pikachu sighed. "You know what, you're right...we'll just do Capture..."

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Look, Kirby!" noticed Meta Knight. "We get more airtime if we pick Rapture!"

"Yeah, but in Capture we get to do a service to the town!" reasoned Kirby. "That means they'll make a documentary about us being heroes!"

"Good point, let's Capture," said Meta Knight fervently.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Capture or Rapture?" read Peach.

"Oh boy, I get to make people believe in false hope and crush their morals!" Zelda smirked evilly, rubbing her hands.

"Yeah, but in Capture, you'll get to hunt people down," said Peach.

Zelda began stuttering incomprehensibly, caught in a catch 22.

"Heehee, I finally got the better of her!" smiled Peach.

Zelda killed Peach and made her way towards Capture.

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Well, I think we'd have an easier job doing Capture," said Snake. "You know, being out on the prowl, looking for men..."

"To take with us to the clubs to hook up with chicks?" asked Falcon.

"Of course!" panted Snake defensively. "Look, let's just go and capture a man, alright?"

"Yes sir!" grinned Falcon enthusiastically.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Which one of these should we do?" asked ROB, scanning the clue.

"Did the military train you for recruiting?" checked Mr. Game and Watch.

"No, you?" asked ROB.

"No, they didn't even let me near the new privates," cursed Mr. Game and Watch. "Those bloody commies. Some people happen to _like_ being frisked for explosives every twenty seconds!"

"Guess we're doing Capture," reasoned ROB. "We can bring those fascists to justice!"

"Are you carrying any explosives?" demanded Mr. Game and Watch, slipping on a glove.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"The Pig Mask Army?" read Lucas, shocked. "I don't believe this! That's the army that enslaved my people and tortured my father and I! I refuse to do anything associated with them!"

"Oh cool!" smiled Ness, not listening. "We get to convince inmates to join the Pig Mask Army! Come on, Lucas! Let's do that one!"

"Ness, do you honestly expect me to do such a terrible injustice to my-you're gone, aren't you..." groaned Lucas.

Ness was running off merrily towards the prison.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 8__th__ Place_

Mario quickly ran towards the prison without reading the clue.

"Detour!" read Sonic. "Capture or Rapture? Mario, do you think we should guide these evildoers to a better life?"

Mario was plotting a dramatic entrance.

"Of course-a!" called Mario. "It is-a part of our call of duty as superheroes-a!"

"Okay, let's go in using the front door!" smiled Sonic.

DOOR! Sonic walked in using the front door.

"Fine, take all of the fun-a out of it," sighed Mario. "I liked-a my way better."

SULK! MOAN! LAMENT!

_Mario and Sonic  
On Rapture_

"Okay, so you two have to give out these pamphlets to the prisoners and make them join us first," instructed Picky, Porky's younger brother.

Sonic took a pamphlet, and walked up to the first prisoner he saw.

"Can I interest you in joining the Pig Mask Army?" asked Sonic.

"Die," replied the prisoner.

"Mario, I used my super communication skills!" Sonic grinned. "I think we really connected!"

Mario was using his Hypno Ray.

"Porky-a is your friend," said Mario in a monotone. "Join us-a...join us-a..."

"I will obey..." droned a huge, bulky prisoner with several tattoos describing his hatred for hedgehogs.

"No hypnosis!" yelled Picky.

"Rats-a!" complained Mario, turning off his rays.

_Ness and Lucas  
On Rapture_

"This instructional pamphlet details how the glorious Pig Mask Army will seize victory!" smiled Ness cheerfully, handing out pamphlets.

"Don't do it!" shouted Lucas. "The Army is horrible! They tried to kill me! They stole my brother!"

"Well, that doesn't sound good at all!" complained the prisoner. "I'm not joining!"

"Heh, uh, don't mind Comrade Lucas," chuckled Ness sheepishly.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
On Capture_

"I don't know what I've been told!" chanted ROB.

"Tazmily Village is pretty cold!" chanted Mr. Game and Watch.

"I don't know what I've been told!" chanted ROB.

"Switching Detours is kind of cool!" chanted Mr. Game and Watch.

"Wait, what?" asked ROB. "Neither of us has been trained in recruiting!"

"And if we don't defy authority, the government wins!" snapped Mr. Game and Watch. "It all makes sense now! Let's switch to Rapture!"

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
On Capture_

"Too many teams are doing this, we may not get that spinoff after all," mused Meta Knight.

"You promised me a documentary!" shouted Kirby. "Screw this, we're Rapturing instead!"

"You were the one who mentioned the documenta-oh well, airtime's airtime," shrugged Meta Knight.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 9__th__ Place_

"That was the worst time to get pinned behind Wolf and Ganondorf's car," groaned Falco.

"That's where we was, yo?" asked Dedede. "I just thought we was forgettable, mang."

"What, we're totally memorable!" snapped Falco. "We have...thinly veiled...racial...parodies...shut up, you have an annoying dialect.....Detour!"

"Yo, let's do-" King Dedede suggested.

"We're doing Rapture," snarled Falco, annoyed.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
On Rapture_

Kirby and Meta Knight bounded into the prison, and jumped up to the surliest prisoner.

"Hi there!" grinned Kirby. "Would you like to join the Pig Mask Army?"

"We'll start you off as a junior member!" beamed Meta Knight. "All you have to do is sign here!"

"No," snarled the prisoner.

Kirby stopped putting on his act.

"This task sucks too!" moaned Kirby.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
On Rapture_

"Why are the lights off in my cell?" asked a prisoner, returning from the bathroom.

"We'll ask the questions around here, kid," snapped ROB's voice.

"Where are you from, sunshine?" demanded Mr. Game and Watch.

"Tazmily Village," replied the prisoner flatly.

"Only got two things in Tazmily Village: _Cheers_ and jeers," spat Mr. Game and Watch. "I don't see everybody knowing your name, so you must be a jeer."

"Wrong rhyme, it's meant to be steers and que-" the prisoner began.

"Can we interest you in a pamphlet?" asked ROB.

"No!" snapped the prisoner.

_Falco and King Dedede  
On Rapture_

"Yo holmes, want a pamphlet on the Pig Mask gang?" asked King Dedede.

"No thanks, Warden doesn't let us take things from birds," said their prisoner.

"Well, why the hell not?" demanded Falco.

"Because you're _birds_," the prisoner answered. "You're a bad influence on humans, you know, since you come in here and commit all types of crimes..."

"Would you take the pamphlet if we weren't...of such a racial persuasion?" asked Falco, swallowing his pride.

King Dedede glared at Falco. "You mean-"

"-yes..." interrupted Falco sadly.

_Samus and Pikachu  
On Capture_

"Did we find our guy yet?" asked Samus, walking down the street.

"No," replied Pikachu.

"How about now?" asked Samus, filling up a syringe with gin.

"No. Once we do find him though, I should really guide him to the light of the Wright," reasoned Pikachu. "It's not in the race, but it could really turn his life around, what do you think, Samus?"

"I think it's great," replied Samus idly, holding her arm out.

"Really?" asked Pikachu excitedly.

"Haha, nope!" scoffed Samus, injecting herself.

_Snake and Falcon  
On Capture_

"Wow, imagine what the other task must be like!" chuckled Snake, looking around aimlessly. "Alone in a dimly lit prison..."

"R-really?" gasped Falcon, amazed.

"Yeah, interrogating a muscular stranger," continued Snake.

Falcon's mouth began to water.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
On Capture_

"Okay Luigi, we didn't find any members of the Pig Mask Army at the gun factory!" smiled Jigglypuff. "Where next, honey?"

"The abandoned shack of danger," decided Luigi creepily, caressing a new gun.

"Okay!" grinned Jigglypuff. "Hurry, Luigi!"

_Snake and Falcon  
On Capture_

"Forcing the questions out of him..." droned Snake.

Falcon began sweating.

"Pulling out the ol' cuffs..." continued Snake.

Falcon pulled on his collar hurriedly.

"L-let's see what the other Detour's like," panted Falcon, glazed with sweat.

_Peach and Zelda  
On Capture_

"PEEKABOO!" bellowed Zelda, gunning down an ice cream shop.

"There aren't any members of the Pig Mask Army here," Peach frowned. "I was so sure! Rats!"

"SURPRISE!" screamed Zelda, pouring cyanide in an elderly woman's tea as she passed. "Now tell us what you know about the Pig Mask Army!"

The woman died of a heart attack.

"Not talking, huh?" snapped Zelda. "I grow tired of this! Peach! Carry me to the other task!"

"Carry you?" repeated Peach incredulously.

Zelda brandished a whip.

_Snake and Falcon  
On Capture_

"Just waiting for the man in the cell to give you all he's got!" finished Snake roughly, slamming a fist into his palm.

Falcon swooned-er, uh, he fainted. Falcon fainted, yes.

"I bet that task is pretty cool," Snake chuckled, taking Falcon to the prison.

Falcon woke up.

"Please keep carrying me," whispered Falcon softly.

_Zeus and Poseidon  
Currently in Last Place_

"Well, that wasn't fun," sighed Wolf bitterly, pulling a rubber glove out of his mouth.

"The police totally suck," scoffed Ganondorf. "Imagine taking up all of our time like that! Let's sue the police after the race!"

"Detour," read Wolf. "Capture or Rapture?"

"Let's do Rapture, we know where the prison is by now..." sighed Ganondorf, annoyed.

_Ness and Lucas  
On Rapture: 1/3 Stages Complete_

"Look," said Ness softly, consoling the sobbing prisoner, "Sure, the Pig Mask Army killed my friend's family or whatever..."

"It was horrible!" cut in Lucas defiantly.

"N-not helping!" sobbed the prisoner.

"But Lucas sucks!" finished Ness. "He deserves it!"

"What?" asked the prisoner.

"WHAT?!" demanded Lucas.

"He totally sucks!" added Ness.

"Well, that changes everything!" the prisoner grinned. "Okay, I think I will read this pamphlet!"

"You unbelievably insensitive jerk!" shouted Lucas. "I hate you! Ness, I'm not very happy with you either!"

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
On Capture_

"I don't see anybody here either!" pouted Jigglypuff, looking around the abandoned shack.

"I think I heard a noise come from that cyanide bottle!" Luigi chuckled evilly. "Open it! Open it all up! Muhahahaha!"

"Okey dokey then!" smiled Jigglypuff.

_Samus and Pikachu  
On Capture_

"Hmm, that community centre might be a good bet," thought Pikachu aloud. "Okay, Samus, we're going to quietly go into that place there and see if we can find ourselves a Pig Mask Army member, okay?"

"Okay!" hiccupped Samus loudly, swaggering towards the community centre.

"I wonder what they're holding here anyway?" wondered Pikachu. He noticed a sign.

...

"Alcoholics Anonymous?" read Pikachu. "Oh....no..."

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
On Rapture: 1/3 Stages Complete_

"You will accept our propaganda!" bellowed ROB, holding a gun to the prisoner's head.

"We can do this all day if you want, liberal scum," threatened Mr. Game and Watch.

"What? That's stupid!" scoffed the prisoner.

"And neither of us ever sleeps. Ever. We need to watch out for commies, like you!" declared ROB without blinking.

The prisoner hastily took the pamphlet.

_Ness and Lucas  
On Rapture: 2/3 Stages Complete_

"Okay sir, now that you've read our pamphlet, it's time for our anti-Lucas smear campaign!" smiled Ness. "It'll be brought to you by none other than Lucas, of course!"

"Why do I have to do it?" snapped Lucas.

"Because you wouldn't help with the last stage!" smiled Ness.

Lucas groaned heavily.

"Comrade...Stabby Joe..." sighed Lucas. "We welcome you with open arms in eliminating the enemy. As you know, we killed the family of young Lucas George, aged between 3 and wherever. It was extremely fun, and we know that with your co-operation, we could have even more fun brutally killing Lucas..."

"I don't buy it," scoffed the prisoner.

"He's Lucas!" called Ness.

"In that case, I'm sold!" laughed the prisoner. "I can't wait to kill this kid!"

"Wow, Ness, I guess you do know what you're doing on this Detour after all!" admitted Lucas.

Stabby Joe took out a knife.

"I sure do!" cackled Ness maniacally.

_Mario and Sonic  
On Rapture: 1/3 Stages Complete_

"Come on-a buddy, what can Sonic and I do-a to get you on our side today-a?" asked Mario helpfully.

"All I want is to see my wife and kids again!" sobbed the prisoner uncontrollably. "I've been arrested for so long! I can't even remember her face!"

"Not a problem-a!" smiled Mario. "Sonic!"

"On it!" smiled Sonic. He used his super flexible arms to stretch out of the prison window and pull the prisoner's family back to him from their house several miles away.

In reality, Sonic walked up to the window and grabbed aimlessly in a range of about a foot.

"I, uh-a...hear the Pig Mask Army-a lets you see your family-a!" grinned Mario optimistically.

"Give me one of those pamphlets!" said the prisoner eagerly.

_Peach and Zelda  
On Rapture_

Peach crawled into the prison with Zelda on her back.

"We're...here...Miss....Zelda..." Peach panted.

"Wow, I didn't think you would actually do it," Zelda grinned. "Back to Capture, slave!"

Peach groaned and turned around.

"No, wait, this time I've got a stick with a carrot on the end of it!" cheered Zelda. "Only I couldn't find a carrot, so I used an active grenade!"

Peach sprinted on all fours, struggling to support Zelda.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
On Rapture: 2/3 Stages Complete_

"And this is the face of the enemy!" bellowed Mr. Game and Watch, showing the prisoner a photo of Lucas.

"Horrible, isn't it?" demanded ROB.

"I...er..."

"WHEN I ASK A QUESTION, YOU RESPOND, MAGGOT!" screamed ROB. "Do you want this boy dead, yes or no?"

"Sir, yes sir!" barked the prisoner, terrified.

_Ness and Lucas  
Completed Detour_

"And here's your Pig Mask Army uniform!" grinned Ness. "Now go out there, into that big bad world, and kill Lucas!"

"I'll do you proud!" sniffed Stabby Joe.

"Ness, I got the clue!" called Lucas.

Stabby Joe pounced on Lucas and began ripping him limb from limb.

"I'm so proud of you!" sobbed Ness proudly, picking up the clue from Lucas' corpse. "Make your way to Lucas' house..."

"_Teams must now drive to Lucas' House!" announced Crazy Hand. "This cozy little house is where Lucas lived peacefully before the hilarious events of Mother 3! This house is the second pit stop in a race around the world! The last team to check in here may be eliminated!"_

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I need this back, sorry," said Ness, snatching back Lucas' dead body. "On to glorious victory, Lucas! Do you know where your house is?"

Lucas was dead and mangled.

"Oh, uh, oops..." chuckled Ness sheepishly.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Completed Detour_

"So then, private!" ROB barked. "You think you're ready to face the world, don't you?"

"Sir, yes sir!" called the prisoner.

"WELL YOU AREN'T!" screamed ROB. "Mr. Game and Watch, the uniform, please!"

Mr. Game and Watch grabbed the prisoner's arm, and forced him through a Pig Mask Army uniform.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

ROB picked up the clue.

"You're free to go serve your country," said Mr. Game and Watch sharply. "Your plane to the Middle East arrives in five."

"Isn't he supposed to kill Luca-never mind," shrugged ROB. "It's a pit stop now!"

"All work and no play," Mr. Game and Watch chuckled. "He'll be fine, fighting in Vietnam."

"I'm sure that war will be over soon!" ROB concurred.

_Snake and Falcon  
On Capture_

"I can't find the prison!" pouted Snake frantically, putting Falcon down.

"Let's ask someone, don't freak out," soothed Falcon, patting and subsequently rubbing Snake's arm.

"Okay, thanks honey," Snake simpered. "I'm so glad I always have you around to calm me down!"

"Wait a minute!" gasped Falcon, noticing the camera. "You called me honey! Straight people of the same gender don't call each other honey!"

"You're right...uh...dude!" cried Snake. "What a terrible mistake!"

"We're totally fooling everyone," whispered Falcon out of the side of his mouth.

"Totally," replied Snake quietly. "Screw the prison, let's be men and find our Pig Mask soldier!"

_Falco and King Dedede  
On Rapture: 1/3 Stages Complete_

"This was y'all's ingenious plan?" asked Dedede incredulously.

"Yes, he'll buy our pamphlets now," hissed Falco.

The cameraman stepped back to reveal that Falco and King Dedede were dressed as humans.

"Hello, good sir!" greeted Falco, walking up to the prisoner he had tried before. "Can I interest you in a pamphlet?"

"Yo, don't mind our zippers and familiar voicesizzle!" added King Dedede cheerfully.

"Ah, now here's a pair of respectable humans!" the prisoner grinned. "Sign me up! You guys are way better than those two bird recruiters!"

Falco instinctively punched the prisoner in the throat.

"That was induction," smiled Falco smoothly. "Thank you. Please be seated for a smear campaign, while my human companion King Dede...King David prepares your Army uniform."

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
On Rapture: 1/3 Stages Complete_

"Will you just take the damn pamphlet?" demanded Kirby angrily, thrusting it in the prisoner's face.

"Kirby, this isn't working," Meta Knight sighed. "Grab your stuff and let's go..."

Meta Knight tossed Kirby his backpack, but Kirby missed the catch and was hit in the face comically.

"Hey, that was pretty good!" the prisoner chuckled. "I love classic slapstick violence like that! What was this pamphlet about anyway?"

The prisoner flicked through a few pages enthusiastically.

"I'll tell you what it's about!" smiled Kirby, breaking a chair over Meta Knight's face. "Just you wait and see!"

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
On Capture_

Jigglypuff came skipping back to Luigi merrily, holding two frothing glasses.

"I poured the cyanide into these glasses of water, just like you asked!" beamed Jigglypuff. "So where do we find the Pig Mask Army guy?"

"He'll appear to us once we both drink!" cackled Luigi. "I'll go first!"

Luigi dramatically walked over to Jigglypuff in slow-motion and 3D. Some CGI was probably in there too.

_Samus and Pikachu  
On Capture_

"My name's Larry, and I'm an alcoholic," said a man in the AA meeting.

"My name's Samus, here's my phone number," flirted Samus. "Maybe we can get together for keggers..."

Pikachu frantically ran in to stop her.

"Samus, you're married!" scolded Pikachu. "And he's trying to recover!"

Pikachu looked around at the large crowd.

"Any chance any of you are part of the Pig Mask Army?" chuckled Pikachu sheepishly.

Samus was drunkenly dancing.

"I've never seen her before," said Pikachu, embarrassedly.

_Mario and Sonic  
On Rapture: 2/3 Stages Complete_

Sonic crashed down in front of the camera, strumming a lute intensely.

"I need a hero!" sang Sonic passionately. "I'm holding out for a hero to kill Lucas!"

Mario stepped forward with his banjo, wearing nothing but a tuxedo.

"He's-a got to be strong and he's got to kill Lucas faster than light-a!" sang Mario, off-key.

"Faster than light!" chimed Sonic in a Michael Jackson-esque voice.

Mario and Sonic put their instruments away.

"So what do you-a think?" asked Mario. "Did you enjoy our-a anti Lucas propaganda?"

"I really did!" clapped the prisoner. "It was an amusing twist on a licensed song!"

"Licensed?" frowned Sonic, confused. "Whatever, just wait for your uniform."

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
On Rapture: 2/3 Stages Complete_

Meta Knight gave Kirby the thumbs up, and revealed a scarecrow wearing a blond wig.

"It's done?" asked Kirby. "Okay! Mr. Prisoner, this is my anti-Lucas campaign! Visualise that scarecrow as Lucas!"

"I sure will!" smiled the friendly prisoner.

Kirby dived at the fake Lucas and began ripping straw out of its insides.

The prisoner took notes.

Kirby ate the fake Lucas.

"So that's what we do with the enemy!" gasped the prisoner, in awe. "Great campaign, guys!"

_Falco and King Dedede  
On Rapture: 1/3 Stages Complete_

"What the hell?" demanded Falco angrily. "All of these teams are already done with their campaigns! How are we supposed to come up with something original?"

"Yo, Wolf and Ganon ain't done," pointed out King Dedede. "And in answa' to question number two, we get wastedizzle!"

_Craig and Matthias  
On Rapture_

"Hey, buddy," said Wolf covertly to the prisoner. "We feel for ya. Ganondorf and I, we're on the lam from the law ourselves."

"No kidding?" asked the prisoner, shocked.

"Nope," nodded Wolf. "We've been changing our names every few minutes, just to keep the law off of us....so if you could agree with everything we say, that'd be great."

"We'll make it worth your while," added Ganondorf.

"Hmmm..." considered the prisoner. "Or...I could turn you in to the cops myself and get paroled on good behaviour!"

"Rats," sighed Wolf.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Hmm, maybe I should stop and ask for directions..." mused Ness, driving.

"Ask me," said Lucas. "The pit stop's at my house!"

"Why should I trust _you_?" scoffed Ness. "As I recall, you enslaved all of Tazmily Village to create New Lucas City! You tortured Porky and his family, and then locked yourself in the Absolutely Safe Capsule!"

"That's incorrect in so many different ways!" complained Lucas.

Ness pulled over to ask for directions.

Lucas sighed.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Excellent, we're just about to pass the kids," smirked ROB.

"I know, let's rub salt in their wounds!" declared Mr. Game and Watch, pulling out his shotgun.

Mr. Game and Watch shot Lucas in a drive-by shooting.

"Was that really necessary?" asked ROB.

"Well, as I recall, Lucas enslaved all of Tazmily Village to create New Lucas City! He tortured Porky and his family, and then locked himself in the Absolutely Safe Capsule!" retorted Mr. Game and Watch.

"True, I read it on the news," nodded ROB. "Not the filthy accurate liberal news, our one."

_Falco and King Dedede  
On Rapture: 2/3 Stages Complete_

"I am thoroughly upset that this campaign worked," Falco told the camera.

"Me too, dawg," sighed King Dedede.

Falco had done nothing more than show the prisoner a Photoshopped picture of Lucas with a beak.

"I hate those birds!" the prisoner chuckled.

_Mario and Sonic  
On Rapture: 2/3 Stages Complete_

"Sonic-a!" demanded Mario. "What's-a taking so long with the uniform-a!"

"The colour won't bring out his eyes!" gasped Sonic, coming to a super realization. "I'll have to use some super dye!"

COLOUR! BAM! COLOR!? BAM! FASHION CRISIS!

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
On Rapture: 2/3 Stages Complete_

"Meta, just give him the damn uniform!" cried Kirby angrily.

"Ssh, Mario and Sonic are at the same point as us," whispered Meta Knight. "I'm making compelling television by being dramatic."

_Falco and King Dedede  
On Rapture: 2/3 Stages Complete_

"You got the uniform?" checked Falco.

"Dawg, I spent all my years in college preparizzing hot threads for famous people!" King Dedede smirked. "This'll be cake!"

"Did you do that instead of learning to speak?" asked Falco angrily. "Just give it to him!"

"Yo, don't be hatin'," said King Dedede defensively. "There's no rush."

"Yes there is!" shouted Falco and the prisoner simultaneously.

_Mario and Sonic  
Completed Detour_

"There!" grinned Sonic. "You have your uniform, and it brings out your eyes!"

"I got-a the clue!" cheered Mario.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Drive to Lucas' House," read Sonic.

"Wow-a, what an awkward-a combination!" chuckled Mario. "We just-a spent time rallying against-a Lucas-a, now we're going to his house-a!"

POW! BAM! IRONY!

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Completed Detour_

Luigi was finally about to bring the glass to his lips, when the owner of the shack tackled him, spilling the cyanide.

"Don't you dare enter my safe house!" shouted the owner. "I built it so that the cops would never find out that I'm a member of the Pig Mask Army!"

Jigglypuff enthusiastically threw away her cyanide. "You have a clue for us!" she grinned.

"Oh yeah," shrugged the owner, handing Jigglypuff the clue.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Drive to Lucas' House," read Jigglypuff. "Oh gosh Luigi, it's a pit stop!"

"I CAME SO CLOSE!" screamed Luigi angrily.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Completed Detour_

"I'm a member of the Pig Mask Army!" smiled the leader of the AA. "I've also been sober for twenty years!"

"Wimp!" shouted Samus. "Give me my clue!"

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Wait, some Pig Mask scumbag got me to quit drinking?" asked Larry the alcoholic. "That sucks! I'm leaving!"

Larry and all the other drunks flocked to a local bar.

Pikachu blinked, confused.

"Drive to Lucas' House!" read Samus. "Let's get moving, Munchlax! For the pit stop, baby!"

"I'm a Pikachu!" said Pikachu, exasperated. "You're getting some strong coffee at Lucas' place, I tell you what!"

_Snake and Falcon  
Completed Detour_

"I'm so glad we gave up on the task to go to this rave!" smiled Snake.

"Me too!" chuckled Falcon, dancing with several muscular men.

"Yeah," chuckled one of the men. "I'm so glad I quit being a Pig Mask Army guy the racers have to look for to complete one of the Detours to dance at this gay bar!"

"You're who we're looking for?" gasped Falcon.

"This is a gay bar?" demanded Snake, faking surprise.

The soldier handed Falcon a clue, and the latter ran off.

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Falcon, wait!" cried Snake. "I've got something to put in you! At the gay bar, gay bar, gaaay baaar..."

Snake ran after Falcon, sobbing.

_Lucas' House_

One of the marked cars pulled up to Lucas' house.

"This place is a hole," commented Crazy Hand, cramming his way through the front door to float above the pit stop.

"Shut your fa...fingers!" challenged Flint, the greeter, angrily.

"Your wife and son are dead," observed Crazy Hand. "Ah, here's a team now!"

A grenade was thrown out of the car, blowing up the house and everything in it.

"Now Lucas' entire commie beliefs are dust!" cheered ROB, stepping out. "All hail Porky!"

"Porky's right wing beliefs are number one!" agreed Mr. Game and Watch, shooting up Lucas' dog Boney for good measure.

"Oh...here's a team now..." sighed Crazy Hand, changing his attitude.

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch proudly stepped onto the pit stop.

"ROB and Mr. Game and Watch, you're team number one!" awarded Crazy Hand.

"Yes!" cheered ROB.

"And I have good news for you! As the winners of this second leg of the race, you have won a seven night cruise around the Middle East, which you can enjoy after the race!" finished Crazy Hand.

"What?!" asked ROB fearfully.

"FLASHBACKS!" screamed Mr. Game and Watch. "Nowhere is safe!"

Mr. Game and Watch had a stroke.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Completed Detour_

"Threads are complete, yo!" King Dedede grinned, producing a badly sewn Pig Mask Army uniform.

"Great, finally," said Falco, relieved. He took the clue. "Lucas' House is the next pit stop, Deeds! C'mon, we might still be able to make it!"

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"At least now we can get rid of these stupid costumes!" beamed Falco, taking off his human costume.

"Uh, Falcs?" chuckled Dedede nervously.

"What is it?" asked Falco politely.

Falco and King Dedede were beaten to death by irate prisoners.

_George and Jorge  
On Rapture_

"I captured Wolf O'Donnell and Ganondorf Dragmire, chief!" smiled the prisoner. "They're wanted men! Can I come out of jail now?"

"No," said the police chief firmly. "They have to deliver a final speech before we put them to death."

Wolf and Ganondorf looked at each other.

"Uh, we've got a three-part speech for the guy who turned us in," said Wolf hesitantly.

"Our first part is in this instructional pamphlet," said Ganondorf, giving the prisoner the pamphlet.

"Convict Ralph, you are bound by law to read that pamphlet," demanded the police chief.

"That went well," whispered Wolf.

"Yeah, we might finish the leg now," agreed Ganondorf.

_Lucas' House_

"Lucas, is this your place?" asked Ness desperately.

Rats chewed on Lucas' rotting flesh.

"Fine, don't answer!" pouted Ness. "What did I ever do to you?"

"Aim for the kids-a!" cried Mario's voice from afar. "Don't let them-a check in!"

"Okay!" called Sonic's voice, getting louder.

Mario and Sonic's car speeded around a tight corner and rammed into the back of Ness and Lucas' car, crushing Lucas to another death.

Mario sprinted out of his car, and pulled Ness out angrily.

Sonic punched Lucas' dead body.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" cried Ness, throwing Mario off of him.

Mario grabbed Ness by the shirt and threw him away. "We're team-a number one, not you-a!"

POW! ARROGANCE!

"No way, we earned it!" argued Ness, attacking Mario.

YO-YO!

Mario kicked Ness somewhere and began running for the pit stop.

CROTCH!

Ness doubled over in pain, and began to crawl for the mat. Mario used his super powers of x-ray vision, and gave Ness radiation poisoning.

"Sonic-a, get over here!" called Mario, punching Ness in the face and stepping on the mat.

Sonic came running into view, with Lucas' dead body stuck to his leg.

"Get this thing off of me!" panicked Sonic, trying to shake Lucas off.

"Let him have it, Lucas!" cheered Ness, stepping onto the mat.

Eventually, Lucas' head was pulled off against a twig on the ground.

"Yay!" cheered Mario, jumping up and down on the mat.

"Yay!" cheered Sonic, landing on the mat.

"No!" cried Ness, crying on the mat.

Lucas was dead.

Crazy Hand sighed reluctantly. "Mario and Sonic, you're team number two..."

BAM! SILVER!

"Second-a?" repeated Mario, confused.

"Ness and Lucas, you're team number three!" checked in Crazy Hand.

"That's better than tenth, I guess!" Ness grinned, getting over his poisoning and his impotence.

Lucas' dead body said nothing.

"Oh, Lucas, you card!" Crazy Hand chuckled merrily.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Completed Detour_

Kirby finished his organ music, and Meta Knight gave the prisoner his uniform.

"Okay, I've got the clue now!" smiled Kirby, getting the clue. "It's pit stop time!"

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"Wait until the prisoner sees the added wackiness to his apparel!" Meta Knight grinned.

"What did you do?" asked Kirby warily.

"I made him cross-dress, Looney Tunes style!" Meta Knight chuckled. "If that won't up our Nielsen ratings, I don't know what will!"

"Maybe if we jump our motorcycles over a shark or two!" laughed Kirby.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Arranged Marriage_

"Gee Luigi, it sure was a nice idea for you to blindfold me while I'm driving!" smiled Jigglypuff, driving. "Now getting to the pit stop is a fun challenge in itself!"

"Just remember to stay in the mountain district!" laughed Luigi, picking his favourite ravine from a brochure.

_Kirk and Randall  
On Rapture: 1/3 Stages Complete_

"That brochure was pretty informative," admitted the prisoner reluctantly. "Let's hear the second part of your speech!"

"Get on with it Ganondorf!" urged Wolf. "I mean, Randall!"

Ganondorf nervously flipped through some fake notes. "Uh..."

_Peach and Zelda  
On Capture_

Peach fell on her face, and Zelda got off her back.

"Are you sure you won't change your mind again, Miss Zelda?" asked Peach wearily.

"No, I've settled," smiled Zelda. "We're definitely doing the long capturing task!"

"That might take forever!" Peach despaired.

"Not if I call my old friend from the Pig Mask Army!" Zelda chuckled.

"You were in the Pig Mask Army?!" asked Peach incredulously.

"I still am!" smiled Zelda proudly. "Man, I can't wait to kill Lucas!"

"So do you have a clue for me?" asked Peach.

"Yep, here you go," said Zelda, giving Peach the clue. "Now how can we go about completing this Detour..."

"Uh, Miss Zelda?" hinted Peach, holding up the clue. "Remember? The pit stop we need to visit to still be in the race?"

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 9__th__ Place_

"Oh yeah, that," remembered Zelda. "Let's go."

"Isn't it funny, we could have done that straight away and probably won the leg!" laughed Peach.

"So why did you waste all that time?!" demanded Zelda, stabbing Peach. "Come on!"

_Ash and Misty  
On Rapture: 2/3 Stages Complete_

"And in c-conclusion," finished Ganondorf hurriedly. "Lucas sucks, and he should die."

"Is that it?" asked Wolf impatiently.

"All you did was say that Lucas sucks and he should die thirty five times in a row!" complained the prisoner.

"Aren't you convinced?" asked Ganondorf.

"I sure am!" beamed the prisoner. "What's the next part?"

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

"Ah, now that we're done with this leg, I feel like a snack," smiled Zelda. "Peach, pass me that bag with Link's carcass in it."

"I don't have it!" realised Peach.

Zelda stabbed Peach. "Wait, you're right. If we don't have it, who does?"

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Hey, Falco, dawg, I gots a question," proposed Dedede. "How'd we disguisizzle as humans anyhow?"

"Oh, all the costumes were in this bag I found," smiled Falco, holding up the bag with Link's carcass in it. "I hollowed out this dead guy and made two human costumes!"

"Ingenious, mang!" King Dedede grinned.

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

"Who would have stolen a bag with Mr. Link's dead body in it?" asked Peach, confused.

Zelda suddenly sped up the car.

"When I find out who did it, I'll kill them," said Zelda softly. "I'll grind them into little pieces and feast on their entrails. They will kneel before me and cry tears of blood while licking my shoes! The team who stole my food are dead!"

"That's a bit...dark..." observed Peach.

"You're next..." muttered Zelda under her breath.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"You know, Link's blood makes a great sunscreen!" laughed Falco, applying some directly to his forehead.

"And it tastes nice, dawg," added King Dedede, loading up a few bucketfuls. "Where'd you find this?"

"Oh, it was right about the time Peach and Zelda came into the prison and then left," smiled Falco. "They must have dropped this."

Something dawned on both birds.

"Oh...no..." gasped Falco, in shock.

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

"Look, there are the birds!" smiled Peach, looking at the car in front. "Hi, guys!"

Falco panicked and threw the bag of Link pieces at the princesses' car.

"It was them!" snarled Zelda, outraged. "They took my food!"

Zelda revved up the car, and ran over Falco and King Dedede, killing both violently.

"I got over it," smiled Zelda, as Falco and Dedede gave out twin squawks of agony.

_Tim and Gerald  
On Rapture: 2/3 Stages Complete_

"See, what I have here is a Pig Mask uniform," said Wolf. "And you have to put it on, okay?"

"And then our speech will be over, and we'll just get out of your hair," nodded Ganondorf.

"Is this a bad time to tell you what I was arrested for?" asked the prisoner.

"I don't see why not," smiled Wolf. "Why did they put you behind bars?"

"Public nudity," grinned the prisoner creepily.

Wolf and Ganondorf noticed that the prisoner had been nude the entire time.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

Samus carefully drove along the road, trying to focus.

"Easy....easy..." coached Pikachu. "Nothing to worry about...you're doing fine..."

"Being sober hurts!" complained Samus. "Why couldn't you drive instead?"

"Good point," realised Pikachu. "Hurry up, let's switch places!"

As soon as Pikachu stepped out of the car, another car passed them.

Samus furiously downed some tequila, put Pikachu in a bag, and sped after them.

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Nice driving!" Snake grinned, patting Falcon on the shoulder.

"There's Lucas' house!" cheered Falcon, pulling up to the house.

Falcon got out of the car and made a sprint for the pit stop.

Snake tripped and ended up sprawled on the ground, as Samus and Pikachu approached.

Falcon was about to pick up Snake, but was mesmerized by the sight of him flailing.

Samus threw the wriggling bag of Pikachu at the pit stop.

Falcon got over it and dragged Snake onto the mat.

"Snake and Falcon, you're team number four!" greeted Crazy Hand. "And come on in, Samus and Pikachu, you're team number five!"

"Good job honey!" smiled Falcon and Pikachu at the same time, hugging their teammates.

Samus, Pikachu and Crazy Hand all stared at Falcon. Snake quickly pretended to stare too.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Arranged Marriage_

"Luigi, are you sure Lucas lives in the mountains?" asked Jigglypuff, taking her blindfold off.

"Oh, absolutely," cackled Luigi evilly. "In fact, I think he lives at the bottom of the Tazmily Gorge!"

Luigi showed Jigglypuff a picture.

"Luigi, don't do that!" complained Jigglypuff. "I can't see where I'm driving! Do you want to get us killed?"

"Yep," replied Luigi.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

The puffballs pulled up the house, and eagerly stepped onto the mat.

"Kirby and Meta Knight, you're the sixth team to arrive," said Crazy Hand grimly. "However, at Oshoe Castle, you broke a race rule by stealing the cluebox, potentially slowing down other teams."

"What?!" demanded Kirby. "Prove it!"

_Meta Knight picked up the entire clue box, and ran back to Kirby, a few clues spilling out onto the stairs. _

Kirby frowned.

"For this breach of the rules, you have been given a thirty minute time penalty," said Crazy Hand. "Go away somewhere."

"Looks like we've really made a PK Blunder!" Meta Knight chuckled.

Crazy Hand got out his hook, and sweeped the puffballs offstage.

"Do you think four more teams will show up in thirty minutes?" asked Kirby.

"Yeah, probably," Meta Knight sighed.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Falcs, I is sorry about bein' such a pain," sniffed King Dedede, gingerly stepping back into the car. "If we ain't eliminated, I promise to be less bird-ish, dawg."

"The racial insensitivity is getting really old," observed Falco. "Just shut up for a while."

"Okay, yo!" smiled King Dedede.

"Seriously, stop," said Falco angrily.

This went on for a little while.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

Peach and Zelda pulled up to Lucas' house, and Peach carefully began braking.

"Get out of the car!" screamed Zelda, smashing a liquor bottle over Peach's face.

"Miss Zelda, safety is important!" protested Peach.

Zelda flipped the puffballs off, and ran past them onto the mat. Peach resolutely followed, prying glass out of her nose.

"Peach and Zelda, you're team number six!" smiled Crazy Hand.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Time Remaining: 16:42_

"Dammit!" cried Kirby.

"Why do we make mistakes every leg?" wondered Meta Knight curiously.

"Oh well, hopefully nobody else will check in," sighed Kirby.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

A few minutes later, Falco limped into view, carrying King Dedede.

"Zelda?" spluttered Falco. "We didn't know it was your bag!"

"She gone, holmes," noticed King Dedede.

"Good," smiled Falco. "At least I can eat Tingle's corpse, which I stole from her, in peace now!"

"Falco and King Dedede, you're team number seven!" grinned Crazy Hand.

"Nice," smirked Dedede.

Zelda appeared out of nowhere and spear-tackled Falco.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Time Remaining: 12:25_

Kirby and Meta Knight both blinked.

"Damn," lamented Meta Knight calmly.

"We're going to be eliminated!" sobbed Kirby.

_Axl and Slash  
Completed Detour_

"Getting a nudist to wear clothes is hard!" protested Ganondorf, trying to wrestle the nudist prisoner into his uniform.

"Wait, I have an idea!" cried Wolf.

Wolf stapled the uniform to the nudist, and collected the clue amidst screams of pain.

"Drive to Lucas' house, it's the pit stop, and so on," read Wolf hurriedly.

"Get going!" called Ganondorf, rifling through his disguises.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Arranged Marriage_

"There it is!" cheered Luigi. "Tazmily Gorge! Oh, it's beautiful!"

"It really is!" smiled Jigglypuff. "I love you, Luigi!"

"Hurry up and drive off of this thing!" bellowed Luigi. "Here I come, death!"

"I sure can't wait to find Lucas' house in the gorge!" grinned Jigglypuff obliviously.

Jigglypuff started to speed up enthusiastically.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Time Remaining: 4:38_

"Who hasn't checked in yet?" asked Kirby sadly.

"I'm not sure," sighed Meta Knight. "We can't go home now...we'll never get our spinoff if we lose now..."

_Ian and Wilfred  
Villains_

"Lucas' place will have to be our safe house," grunted Wolf. "Just keep driving, this is urgent."

"Gotcha," grinned Ganondorf. He began driving through the streets of Tazmily Village at double the speed limit.

"Women and children last!" cried the mayor, as he was run over. Police car sirens rang out behind Wolf and Ganondorf.

"Excuse me," said Wolf politely, rolling down the window. He pulled out a pistol and began firing back at the police.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Arranged Marriage_

"Just a little more, Jigglypuff!" cackled Luigi. "And then we shall both be dead!"

"Dead?" gasped Jigglypuff. "What do you mean? Do you _want_ to-"

Luigi and Jigglypuff's car went over the edge and plummeted several feet into the ravine.

_Lucas' House_

"I can check you in now, Kirby and Meta Knight!" called Crazy Hand.

Kirby and Meta Knight skipped onto the mat, both wearing Groucho Marx glasses with the nose and mustache on them.

"Oh boy, we can continue with our zany antics!" smiled Kirby.

"Kirby and Meta Knight, you're team number eight!" checked in Crazy Hand, ignoring them.

"Being in the race is so fun!" simpered Meta Knight.

"You're not getting a spinoff," said Crazy Hand. The puffballs stormed off angrily.

Another car pulled up. Wolf and Ganondorf got out, shooting frantically at the cops. A faint scream was heard from above.

"Crazy, you've got to let us in!" cried Wolf. "We ran into trouble with the law!"

"Of course!" gasped Crazy Hand. "Just step onto the mat!"

"You can still make ninth!" called Kirby, looking back at the situation. A faint shadow loomed over the mat.

"Run, Wolf!" bellowed Ganondorf, sprinting. The screams grew louder and the shadow grew bigger.

"We can make it!" grinned Wolf.

Luigi and Jigglypuff's car crashed on top of the mat, and the gas tank exploded. Jigglypuff coughed and fell out of the driver's seat onto the mat, and Luigi's body flopped out too.

"Hello, better existence!" cheered Luigi. "I did it! I'm finally dead!"

"No way," said Wolf flatly.

"I'm surprised too!" grinned Luigi. "I never thought I'd-wait, who was that?"

Crazy Hand cleared his throat. "Luigi and Jigglypuff, you're team number nine!"

"Yay!" coughed Jigglypuff, wiping away some blood and oil.

Luigi blinked. "No...n-no..."

Luigi began babbling incoherently.

Wolf and Ganondorf stared, dumbstruck.

"We were _first_..." gasped Ganondorf in disbelief, shoving the babbling Luigi aside.

"Wolf and Ganondorf, you are the last team to arrive," said Crazy Hand.

"Yeah, no kidding," gasped Wolf, struggling to grasp what had just happened.

"I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the race," said Crazy Hand grimly.

"Well...I guess...we had...fun?" asked Ganondorf, thoroughly confused.

"Yeah, I travelled...some of the world..." nodded Wolf, blinking.

Wolf and Ganondorf looked from the sobbing Luigi to Jigglypuff to the other eight teams, who had appeared to watch.

"Ganondorf, let's just go to jail," sighed Wolf, shaking his head.

"Yeah, totally," said Ganondorf, walking back towards the police.

* * *

Arrival Times:

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch: 2:47pm

Mario and Sonic: 2:53pm

Ness and Lucas: 2:54pm

Snake and Falcon: 3:06pm

Samus and Pikachu: 3:07pm

Peach and Zelda: 3:20pm

Falco and King Dedede: 3:24pm

Kirby and Meta Knight: 3:36pm

Luigi and Jigglypuff: 3:45pm

Wolf and Ganondorf: 3:46pm - **ELIMINATED**

* * *

Please leave a review with the usual: who you'd like to see win, get eliminated next, make the final three, or whatever you like!

I hope you enjoyed the second leg!


	3. Well, That Just Josephs My Stalin

"Previously on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" boomed Crazy Hand. "Ten teams departed from Pastoria City, and travelled to Tazmily Village!"

"Princesses Peach and Zelda had a disagreement after Zelda accused Peach of murdering her boyfriend Link!"

"_You killed Link!" screamed Zelda. "I hate you! You killed my boyfriend!"_

"_What?!" asked Peach, confused._

"The disagreement ended up blossoming into chaos!"

"_You're tearing this relationship apart!" bellowed Zelda insanely, killing Peach and then herself._

"But in the end, they banded together after they discovered that inferior birds Falco and King Dedede had stolen Link's body!"

"_Who would have stolen a bag with Mr. Link's dead body in it?" asked Peach, confused._

"_You know, Link's blood makes a great sunscreen!" laughed Falco, applying some directly to his forehead._

_Zelda revved up the car, and ran over Falco and King Dedede, killing both violently._

"Meanwhile, Kirby and Meta Knight valiantly tried to get their own sitcom by camera mugging, until they broke a race rule!"

_Meta Knight picked up the entire clue box, and ran back to Kirby, a few clues spilling out onto the stairs._

"And they were suitably punished at the pit stop!"

"_For this breach of the rules, you have been given a thirty minute time penalty," said Crazy Hand. "Go away somewhere."_

"_Looks like we've really made a PK Blunder!" Meta Knight chuckled._

_Crazy Hand got out his hook, and sweeped the puffballs offstage._

"Not-so-closet gays Snake and Falcon tested the boundaries of social conduct on the Detour!"

"_Forcing the questions out of him..." droned Snake._

_Falcon began sweating._

"_Pulling out the ol' cuffs..." continued Snake._

_Falcon pulled on his collar hurriedly._

"But it was the constant mistakes made by villains Wolf and Ganondorf..."

_Ganondorf sped up to five times the speed limit, and ended up driving through the wall of the nearby police station._

"_So all we have to do is fake our deaths!" smiled Wolf. "We'll get out of jail, and all we have to do is create fake identities for ourselves and escape!"_

"_All you did was say that Lucas sucks and he should die thirty five times in a row!" complained the prisoner._

"_Aren't you convinced?" asked Ganondorf._

"_We can make it!" grinned Wolf._

_Luigi and Jigglypuff's car crashed on top of the mat, and the gas tank exploded. Jigglypuff coughed and fell out of the driver's seat onto the mat, and Luigi's body flopped out too._

"...which resulted in their untimely elimination!"

"_Ganondorf, let's just go to jail," sighed Wolf, shaking his head._

"_Yeah, totally," said Ganondorf, walking back towards the police._

"Nine teams remain, who will be eliminated next?"

* * *

The Teams!

Falco/King Dedede (Super Mario Bros: The Lost Levels)

Luigi/Jigglypuff (Contra without code)

Peach/Zelda (Battletoads)

ROB/Mr. Game and Watch (Duck Hunt dog)

Samus/Pikachu (Mike Tyson in Punch-Out)

Kirby/Meta Knight (Brain Training)

Ness/Lucas (Through the Fire and the Flames on Expert)

Snake/Falcon (Dance Dance Revolution blindfolded)

Mario/Sonic (Plugging in the NES)

* * *

"This is Tazmily Village!" explained Crazy Hand. "A village free from Porky's tyrannical reign! And here in Tazmily Village, Lucas' house! This house, home to the hero of Mother 3 and a racer on this season, was the second pit stop in a race around the world!"

"Teams arrived here at the end of the last leg for a mandatory rest period, where they can eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams!"

_Lucas was curled up in a ball, sobbing._

_Falco and King Dedede were passing out informative fliers on tolerance._

"Will Kirby and Meta Knight and Luigi and Jigglypuff stay at the back of the pack? And after the shock elimination of Wolf and Ganondorf, will current leaders ROB and Mr. Game and Watch fall to last and be eliminated too?"

"ROB and Mr. Game and Watch, who were first to arrive at 2:47pm, will depart at 2:47am!"

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
1__st__ to Depart, 2:47am_

ROB took out his machete and assassinated the clue.

"Fly to Orange Ocean, Dream Land," read ROB.

"_Teams must now drive to Tazmily Airport, and fly some made up distance to Orange Ocean, Dream Land! Once there, they must drive to Yogurt Yard, where they must find Heavy Mole, one of King Dedede's monsters used to try and clobber that there Kirby! Heavy Mole will give teams their next clue!" said Crazy Hand. _

"This all seems very convoluted," Mr. Game and Watch mused, reading the full clue. "How do we know Crazy Hand isn't trying to murder us?"

"I'm not, idiot," replied Crazy Hand, a few feet away.

"I'm not taking any chances," snapped Mr. Game and Watch. "The war here isn't even over!"

"You're not in a war, you're in a race," pointed out Crazy Hand.

"A race to see who can stop the terrorists first!" cried ROB.

"A race to win a million dollars," Crazy Hand sighed.

"The same million dollars that the terrorists want to use to purchase weapons of mass destruction!" gasped Mr. Game and Watch.

Crazy Hand threw the veterans into a car.

"Shotgun," called the cameraman, sitting in the front passenger seat.

"WHERE?!" screamed the driving ROB, running over the sound operator.

_Mario and Sonic  
2__nd__ to Depart, 2:53am_

"You have five dollars for this leg of the race," read Sonic, putting the money in his Wallet of Holding.

POW!

"The Wallet of-a Holding?" asked Mario furiously. "Sonic-a, what did I tell you about stealing-a super equipment from the Stronghold of-a Loneliness?

"Don't you mean the Fortress of Solitude?" asked Sonic, checking his super travel guide.

PLAGIARISE!

"Shut up-a, we'll be sued by Lawyer Man again-a," whispered Mario. He looked back at the camera nervously. "Sonic and I are a great-a team-a!

"Yeah, we're...uh...thinking of making an alliance with that other team..." agreed Sonic. "Certainly not doing anything illegal, Stan Lee-I mean viewers!"

Sonic hastily got into the car and drove off, with Mario in the trunk.

KIDNAP!

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch's car backfired.

"What's going on?" demanded ROB.

"Those damn Swedish cars!" grumbled Mr. Game and Watch. "Why did Crazy Hand have to buy racing facilities at Ikea?"

"It's not the worst thing that could have happened," shrugged ROB.

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch's car fell to pieces.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"What the hell are those guys doing?" asked Sonic. "They've stopped! This is no time to construct a shrine to us!"

KA-HORN! Sonic blasted the horn at the veterans.

"Pass them-a!" said Mario.

Mario and Sonic drove past the remains of the other car.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"We're under attack!" wailed ROB, ducking.

"Wait for us, superhero guys!" called Mr. Game and Watch. "We need your help to fight the terrorists!"

"Their siren song means they'll be tossing smoke bombs any time now!" complained ROB.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Do you think we should go back and help them?" asked Sonic. "Isn't that like, our responsibility?"

"Screw you-a!" argued Mario. "Ness and Lucas are gonna be out-a in a minute!"

"I just can't fight my integrity!" sobbed Sonic, doing a U-turn.

"What are you-a doing?!" demanded Mario.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Oh, those traitors are coming back, eh?" asked ROB angrily. "Initiate battle plan Delta Bravo Six!"

Mr. Game and Watch hijacked a tractor and drove at Mario and Sonic's car.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Helping other teams like this? It's just one of the many super things we do to make the other teams love us so much!" Sonic grinned.

A tractor 'unexpectedly' barrelled towards them.

_Ness and Lucas  
3__rd__ to Depart, 2:54am_

"Fly to Orange Ocean, Dream Land," read Lucas.

"Why?" asked Ness, blinking unfocusedly.

"Because of the race," said Lucas casually. "Anyway, Ness and I are very proud of ourselves. We recovered from a bad first leg and our second leg was fine!"

"Want to see my third leg?" asked Ness sexily, winking at the camera.

Lucas casually shoved Ness out of the shot.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 2nd Place_

"Avast, ye demons!" Mr. Game and Watch cried. He ran over Mario and Sonic.

"I thought we were more current than that," frowned ROB.

"Avast, ye commies!" Mr. Game and Watch cried. He backed up over Mario and Sonic.

"That should take care of them!" ROB grinned. "Good work rookie! Here, have a sugar cube!"

Mr. Game and Watch assassinated the sugar cube.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"What the hell is your deal?" demanded Sonic, climbing out from under the tractor.

"We ran you over," replied ROB.

"Well cut it out!" ordered Sonic.

"Uh, okay," shrugged Mr. Game and Watch. "Have it your liberal way."

"I'll have it my _super_ liberal way!" argued Sonic. "I hope you guys get eliminated!"

Sonic angrily stormed off.

"You forgot your tree-hugging friend!" called ROB.

Mr. Game and Watch ran over Mario.

"Yeah, he's still there, I just checked," added Mr. Game and Watch.

Mr. Game and Watch backed up over Mario again.

"Definitely him," Mr. Game and Watch nodded contently.

Sonic picked up Mario's body and haughtily stormed off into a car.

"I can't believe those two!" fumed Sonic. "We just tried to save them with our awesome powers and they ran us over! Several times! It makes me feel like trying to defeat them in some sort of competition!"

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Look out for those remains of Swede-designed hardware!" cried Ness desperately to Lucas.

Lucas did some fancy driving techniques he picked up from defensive driving school/reruns of Dukes of Hazzard, and avoided the wreckage.

"I did it!" cheered Ness. "I helped the team!"

"No you didn't!" argued Lucas. "I'm the one who steered us out of the way!"

"I'm the one who wore the hat!" argued Ness.

Lucas opened his mouth to retort, but decided to sigh instead.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"'Tazmily Airport, next left'," read Sonic. "Mario, which way should I go?"

"Straight-a!" smiled Mario. "That's what the sign-a said!"

"Oh, that seems dandy!" Sonic grinned.

POW! DANDY!

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Veterans_

"Hang a left here," said ROB. "That's the way to the airport!"

"Mario and Sonic are going straight!" noticed Mr. Game and Watch. "Is this a diabolical plot to confuse me, robot?"

"No, we have to go left!" cried ROB. "Are you turning on me? Is this deceit and chicanery? Don't make me pull rank on you!"

"Ah, so there is no diabolical scheme!" Mr. Game and Watch grinned. "Are you merely inferring that Mario and Sonic are dumb?"

"Yes," replied ROB. "That was my multi-layered scheme. It required lots of plotting. And also, some of it was conniving!"

Mr. Game and Watch steered the tractor that he was still riding to the left. A 'ding' noise played.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"Splendid-a, nobody's following us-a!" grinned Mario.

A buzzer sound played.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Veterans_

"We need to maintain vigilance!" panicked ROB. "Those other teams could be on us like hyenas! Insane, one-dimensional hyenas!"

"Speaking of insane, one-dimensional commie bastards, I still don't see Mario and Sonic!" gasped Mr. Game and Watch.

"Maybe those 2012 extremists got a hold of them!" panicked ROB, hyperventilating.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"You know, I'm starting to have super feelings of worry," said Sonic casually. "It's almost as if we're going the wrong way."

"Zounds-a!" gasped Mario. "We can't be wrong-a! What would the League of Heroes-a think!"

"I know!" replied Sonic. "We'll never get into their club like this!"

_Snake and Falcon  
4__th__ to Depart, 3:06am_

"Orange Ocean, Dream Land!" read Falcon.

Snake excitedly flapped his wrists. "Ooh, Falcy, come on!"

Snake giggled and pranced to a car.

Falcon blinked at the camera, and forced open a beer can.

"Yeah, just coming," grunted Falcon in a 'manly' voice, sculling the beer and slouching into the car. "Just let me go straight for a little bit."

_Samus and Pikachu  
5__th__ to Depart, 3:07am_

"Fly to Orange Ocean, Dream Land," read Pikachu.

"Who lives there?" asked Samus.

"Uh, I think Ganondorf does," shrugged Pikachu.

_Snake and Falcon  
"Friends"_

"Because we were neck-and-neck with Team Vegas at the end of the last leg," Falcon told the camera, "We decided to try and help each other going into this leg!"

"Even if they have an icky girl on their team!" Snake chuckled.

"But we like girls!" interrupted Falcon.

"Who needs girls?" scoffed Snake.

"You're right, all they do is cook and clean and watch trashy TV," nodded Falcon straight-ily.

"Ruins my point when you say good things," Snake sulked.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"Sammy and I think we can win this race, because we trust each other," said Pikachu. "Being involved romantically means we have a lot of respect for each other!"

Samus drew on Pikachu's tail.

"We may have our faults, but we overcome them with the power of love!" smiled Pikachu.

Samus invitingly rubbed the cameraman's thigh.

"None of the other teams can possibly know how connected Samus and I are," simpered Pikachu, teary-eyed.

The camera was curiously _not_ on Pikachu.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"Where's this fabled airport?" demanded Sonic.

"I know-a!" gasped Mario. "I'll ask a local-a! They'll do anything for their saviors-a!"

Mario pulled over next to a little girl.

"Hello-a, do you know where the airport is-a?" asked Mario.

"W-where's my mommy?" sobbed the little girl.

"WE KILLED HER AND-A DRANK HER BLOOD!" cackled Mario, doing a heroic pose.

"This is Feminist Man's offspring?" gasped Sonic, looking around. "Kill her, Mario!"

"Thank-a you, young ward!" smiled Mario. He pulled out a shotgun.

_Tazmily Airport_

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Veterans_

"Doesn't look like there's anyone here..." ROB mused. "The enemy must be lying in wait...this could be a trap..."

"Look!" gasped Mr. Game and Watch. "Some kind of barricade is impeding our progress!"

Mr. Game and Watch took a combative stance towards the airport's door, and emptied his weapon bag.

Security alarms went off at the various knives, guns and roses.

"Curses, I've somehow misplaced my shotgun!" cursed Mr. Game and Watch.

_Peach and Zelda  
6__th__ to Depart, 3:20am_

"Fly to Orange Ocean, Dream Land," read Zelda in a monotone. She got in the car.

"Zelda and I haven't been doing too well yet," Peach told the camera. "We'd prefer to be up front racing for first rather than racing against last."

"There is nothing to worry about," droned Zelda. "There is no logical way we can lose."

Zelda took off a large trench coat to reveal several sedatives.

"The other teams shall all die," droned Zelda.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Veterans_

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch crouched around a phone in the parking lot.

"Hello, Central Command?" asked ROB in a hushed tone. "We need transferred to your outpost at Orange Ocean, ASAP!"

"Uh...we have an Orange Ocean flight at 9:10am..." replied a bemused ticket agent. "But it's sold out, sorry."

Mr. Game and Watch took the phone. "Alright, let me talk to your commanding officer!"

The ticket agent sighed. "This is him speaking..."

"When's the next flight?" demanded Mr. Game and Watch.

"Oh, it's at 10:30," replied the ticket agent.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

Ness and Lucas arrived at the airport.

"Lucas, come on!" barked Ness. "We're going to Dream Air! They'll have a flight! It's Dream Land!"

"Why not anywhere else?" asked Lucas. "What about all the neutral airlines that fly anywhere? Why wouldn't they have a flight?"

"Because they're neutral!" spat Ness. "Everyone knows neutrality and indifference are bad qualities!"

"Right, so what should we do?" checked Lucas.

"I don't care, let's just hang out at the ticket counter," shrugged Ness.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Veterans_

"Come in, HQ!" panicked Mr. Game and Watch. "You're breaking up!"

"You can't buy tickets over the phone in this country, leave us alone," said the ticket agent.

Mr. Game and Watch let out a war cry.

"You lost your shotgun!" cried ROB.

Mr. Game and Watch threateningly pointed his finger at the phone.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"Oh no, we're lost!" despaired Snake, getting frilly.

"Sammy? Pika?" called Falcon girlishly. "We're lost! We need help!"

Samus and Pikachu got out of their car and walked up to Snake and Falcon's.

"Oh, so what's the plan?" asked Pikachu. "Should we compare maps or what?"

"Heeeey there Sholid Shnake!" cackled Samus, drunk. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

"He's taken!" cried Falcon defensively. "I mean, no, he doesn't!"

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

"Look, two more teams, Miss Zelda!" cried Peach excitedly.

"Good..." Zelda droned, nonchalantly stabbing herself.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"Look, everyone!" pointed Pikachu. "The girls' car is coming!"

Nobody listened; Samus was busy playing with Snake's beard as Falcon jealously looked on.

"They'll help us, they're such nice women!" grinned Pikachu, jumping for joy.

Peach got out of her car, followed by Zelda, who creepily glided across the ground.

"Miss Zelda, why do you need blow-darts to help the others?" asked Peach.

Zelda silently took out her dart-gun, and blew four darts into the four racers' necks.

"You will all follow me to the airport," ordered Zelda.

"We will all follow you to the airport," droned Snake, Falcon, Samus and Pikachu.

"And if any of you place ahead of me in this leg, you will all die," continued Zelda.

Snake, Falcon, Samus and Pikachu all nodded.

"Oh, I see!" Peach grinned. "Get them to join us so we can find more information, I get it!"

"No, I just wanted even more slaves!" beamed Zelda.

_Falco and King Dedede  
7__th__ to Depart, 3:24am_

"Fly ...ugh, _make your way_ to Orange Ocean, Dream Land!" read Falco.

Falco and King Dedede ran to their car.

"Yo, Falcs 'n' I is not like, supa-fit," Dedede told the camera. "An' lawd knows the otha' teams hate us!"

"Yeah, we're just aiming to avoid last," added Falco. "We don't want to hurt any other teams and make them hate us more!"

_Peach and Zelda  
Snake and Falcon  
Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 3rd-5__th__ Places_

"Alright, here is the airport," said Zelda. "Now go and get me tickets on the best flight possible."

"Yes, ma'am," droned Falcon, Samus and Pikachu, scattering.

"Alright!" cheered Snake. "I can't wait to go to Dream Land!"

Zelda shot Snake with another dart.

"Oh, now I'm sad..." lamented Snake.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

Sonic dramatically burst into a passing car.

HIJACK!

"Greetings, friend!" greeted Sonic. "Care to escort two heroes to the airport?"

"AAAAAAAAGH!" screamed the driver, swerving out of control.

"Great!" smiled Sonic, scurrying into the passenger seat.

Mario crashed his car through the back window.

"Let's-a go!" proclaimed Mario, spitting out shards of glass.

The driver sobbed and headed to the airport.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Veterans_

"You there, private!" barked ROB. "What time does the Dream Air counter open?"

"0400, sir!" yelled the security officer. "But don't call me private, boy! I'll have you know I'm a five-star general!"

"Oh," said ROB, slinking away.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"You ever wondered why we're on the race?" asked Lucas, leaning against the Dream Air counter.

"No," Ness scoffed. "We probably signed up."

"Well, do you remember signing up?" asked Lucas. "It's almost as if someone dragged us all here-oh hey, veterans!"

"Commies," acknowledged Mr. Game and Watch, tipping a hat. "So...I guess we're here until the first flight, eh? At 10:30?"

"That's when the flight is?" asked Lucas. "Cool! Thanks!"

"Wow, I can't believe how careless they are with race info!" Ness chuckled.

Ness paused.

"HEY! Snake! Falcon!" shouted Ness to the other side of the airport. "The flight we want is at 10:30!"

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"Did you hear that?" asked Falcon, pulling the dart out of his neck.

"Yeah!" cheered Snake. "Let's tell our buddies!"

Falcon raised an eyebrow.

"Uh, I mean our friends. Like us. Just friends," added Snake. "Listen up, cute chick and Pikachu!"

"What?" called Samus.

"The flight's at-" Snake began.

"We know! We heard Ness!" called Samus.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"So what's the plan for today, Deeds?" encouraged Falco.

"Overcome adversity and kick ass, homedawg!" grinned King Dedede.

Some teenagers ran past and slashed Falco and King Dedede's tyres.

"You deserve it, you filthy birds!" shouted one of the teens.

"I don't believe this!" yelled Falco.

King Dedede raised an eyebrow.

"Well, yes, I do believe this..." Falco sighed. "Let's just change the tyre..."

Falco reluctantly got out of the car.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
8__th__ to Depart, 3:36am_

"Fly to Orange Ocean, Dream Land!" read Kirby excitedly. "Oh boy, I can't wait to pick up sponsors in the homeland!"

"Kirby and I aren't about to try and ally with any other teams," Meta Knight told the camera. "We don't want any of the others to steal our success!"

"We're counting on each other to become famous after the race!" Kirby grinned. "Maybe it'll work if we tone down the madness and rally some home support!"

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Last to Depart, 3:45am_

"Fly to Orange Ocean, Dream Land!" read Jigglypuff enthusiastically. "I can't wait! That's where Kirby and Meta Knight and that disgusting freak come from!"

"Let's go, maybe I can drown," shrugged Luigi.

"I'm just worried that we won't be able to get out of last place!" panicked Jigglypuff. "I don't want to leave the race!"

"But I do," replied Luigi idly. "Ain't that a conundrum? Sucks to be you."

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"_My man Falcs is changin' a tyre,_

_Gotta fix the car so we don't retire,_

_Seventh place isn't very good,_

_Gave my 'G Falco a bad attitude!"_ rapped King Dedede badly, beatboxing.

Falco looked up from changing the tyre.

"Just-just shut up forever," stammered Falco, confused. "Seriously, I mean it."

"Yo, are y'all done?" Dedede sulked.

"Yep, give it a crank," replied Falco.

King Dedede did that rapper crotch grab thing.

"The car," grunted Falco angrily.

King Dedede tried to drive the car, and ran over Falco's hand.

"Dawg, it worked!" Dedede grinned.

"AAAAAAAAGH!" screamed Falco, his bones being crushed..

"Let's go to the airport, yo!" smiled Dedede.

He drove off, with Falco's wing caught inside the new tyre.

Falco's entire arm was ripped off.

_Tazmily Airport_

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

PARK!

"Finally, the airport-a!" cheered Mario. "Thanks for taking us-a, new friend!"

The hijack victim sobbed uncontrollably.

"We'll give you a shiny new dime, little hero," smiled Sonic. "After we get off of the show, we'll give you a tiny fraction of our million dollar prize!"

SCAM!

Mario and Sonic dashed off, and ran into the airport. Eventually, they ran into ROB and Mr. Game and Watch.

"Did you commies just get here?" asked ROB, confused.

"How long have you been here?" Sonic asked at the same time.

"Long enough!" chirped Mr. Game and Watch accusingly. "You stole my shotgun!"

Mario and Sonic blinked at each other.

"Does he mean the Super Gun of Shots?" asked Sonic, holding a shotgun.

"Yep-a," replied Mario. "It's ours-a now, we found it fair and square-a!"

Mario and Sonic haughtily walked away.

"Well, that just Josephs my Stalin!" Mr. Game and Watch spat angrily. "ROB, I'll get my revenge on them if it's the last thing I do!"

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Mario and Sonic think that's their shotgun, eh?" ROB asked the camera. "But we'll show them! We've got a long flight ahead of us, and we learned a few _zany_ pranks in the military!"

"I'm going to go ahead and book Mario and Sonic tickets on our flight," said Mr. Game and Watch. "That way we can keep a close eye on them!"

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"Well well well, looks like Luigi and Jigs are catching back up!" grinned Kirby, checking the rear view mirror.

"Hopefully a gridlocked battle to avoid last will give us some airtime!" chuckled Meta Knight. "We can be super competitive for the cameras!"

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Arranged Marriage_

"Kirby and Meta Knight are jerks!" pouted Jigglypuff, driving. "They were so lame to everyone last leg!"

"Wow. Step back, everyone. This is as angry as she can get," said Luigi, bored.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"Us two teams in the back right now? We're the weakest teams left, I think," said Kirby.

"We need to double-cross, cheat, and lie our way through this leg," said Meta Knight.

"Haven't we got some kind of penalty in every leg so far?" asked Kirby. "Maybe cheating's a bad idea."

Meta Knight slapped Kirby.

_Tazmily Airport_

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"What's up, guys?" asked Falco, strolling into the airport.

"Everyone's waiting for a 10:30 flight to Orange Ocean," replied Pikachu.

"Wack! 10:30?!" gasped King Dedede incredulously.

"Yeah, screw that!" agreed Falco. "C'mon Deeds, let's see if we can find something sooner!"

Falco and King Dedede strutted over to another counter.

"9:40," sighed a ticket agent, looking bored.

"How did you know we were going to-" Falco began.

"Birds are predictable," yawned the agent. "Now go wait in line."

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"You better not be conniving, you filthy bird scumbags!" bellowed ROB, sprinting over to the birds.

"Don't make me shotgun you!" threatened Mr. Game and Watch, brandishing a cardboard tube.

"Whoa, no trouble here!" panicked Falco.

"Yo, we just got told that another flightizzle is openin' up earlier," said Dedede.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"Hello-a friends!" grinned Mario, joining everyone. "What's this about an earlier-a flight?"

"We saw you talking with our super powers!" smiled Sonic, hiding night vision goggles.

"Oh, there's another flight at 9:40, but the counter's closed for a few more hours," replied Falco.

"Few seats left," piped up the bored ticket agent. "You can sign up for the flight now if you want..."

"Deeds, let's sign, we got here first," said Falco.

Mario and Sonic both stabbed Falco together, and threw him at King Dedede.

"What the hell, y'all?" demanded Dedede.

"Those filthy minorities were here first!" agreed ROB.

Sonic pulled out the shotgun, and shot ROB.

"Give me my shotgun!" screamed Mr. Game and Watch, assassinating Mario.

"Never!" bellowed Sonic, throwing the shotgun away. It hit Pikachu, who was just coming out of the bathroom.

"Why fight when we can love?" winked Samus.

"Where did you come from?!" demanded Sonic, slapping her.

ABUSE!

"You're all sick and disgusting!" screamed Sonic, having a seizure.

Sonic fell to the ground and started frothing at the mouth. Mr. Game and Watch blinked and picked up his shotgun.

"Are you guys actually going to buy tickets?" asked Falco, alive again.

"Are-a you?" asked Mario suspiciously, using his super powers to be reborn.

"Well, that's kind of the general idea," replied Falco.

"Yo, and we was here first!" argued Dedede. "You be trippin' if y'all think we'll let you beat us!"

"The filthy birds I hate are right!" agreed ROB, being alive. "We were here second, so drop and give me tickets!"

"ROB, can't you just use some of your military...things...and get rid of these guys?" asked Falco wearily.

"Bird, it'll be a cold day in hell before I take orders from you!" spat ROB.

"Nobody will get rid of us!" declared Sonic. "We are the best team of any race ever! We are the Alpha and the Omega! You ask us if we have god complexes?! We are gods!"

"Trippin'!" yelled Dedede. "Y'all be trippin'!"

"You're so going to be U-Turned, heroes!" shouted Falco. "I hate you! We all hate you!"

"This is-a Mario Land!" screamed Mario, delusional. "Mario is king-a! Everyone, wave your Mario wands-a!"

Mario waved his super Mario wand.

Sonic waved a twig with Mario's face painted on it.

"What's wrong with you guys?" asked Falco loudly. "Soldier guys, hurry up with the killing them already!"

"You know, I think there's too much insubordination at this outpost," said Mr. Game and Watch nervously. "We'll uh, just head back to that other flight..."

"Don't do anything!" screamed Sonic, pointing a shotgun at Mr. Game and Watch.

"You have your own now?!" bellowed Mr. Game and Watch furiously, drawing his own shotgun.

"Nobody leaves!" bellowed Sonic. He pulled Mario up to his side. "Or the bitch gets it!"

"God, shut up!" cried Falco.

"This is none of your-a business!" screamed Mario, pointing Sonic at Falco threateningly. "Don't-a make me use this!"

"Yo, this standoff needs some tunes, dawg!" Dedede grinned, beatboxing.

"Come on, Dedede! We'll go somewhere else!" shouted Falco, annoyed.

Falco dragged Dedede away, fuming.

"I hate Mario and Sonic so much," spat Falco. "They're just so...I mean, they're...who the hell lets _them _protect the innocent!?"

Behind them, Mario and Sonic slashed the plane's tyres, cackling about foiling the dreaded International Man.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

Kirby and Meta Knight comically dived through the airport's front door.

"Alright!" cheered Kirby. "It's time for the great equalizer!"

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Arranged Marriage_

Jigglypuff ran through the door, clutching Luigi's body.

"Hi, Kirby and Meta Knight!" Jigglypuff grinned. "Gosh, it sure seems like we spend a lot of time together!"

Luigi groaned.

"It's usually at the back of the pack though," admitted Jigglypuff.

Luigi grinned.

"Oh, look!" smiled Jigglypuff. "All the teams are still here! We can get ahead if we work the airport correctly!"

Luigi groaned.

_4:00am_

Nervously, the Dream Air ticket agent opened her counter.

Immediately, the nine teams sprinted from every corner of the airport.

"Can I get on this 9:10 flight?" asked Jigglypuff sweetly, not blinking.

"Why?" demanded Luigi. "Aren't you bored of this race yet? Just let us leave, woman!"

"Luigi, that's not very nice," scolded Jigglypuff. "You can't come if you're going to keep that attitude up!"

Luigi considered this. "Bite me."

"Fine, you're not coming!" sniffed Jigglypuff. "I want only _one_ ticket to Orange Ocean, please!"

Luigi silently pumped his fist.

"I can't believe the way he talks to you, Jigs!" gasped Ness sympathetically.

"Ness, just focus on buying us tickets," said Lucas timidly.

"Shut up! I hate you!" screamed Ness.

"Teehee, I think I'll use my money to buy you guys tickets too!" smiled Jigglypuff. "You're so much nicer to me than Luigi! Now we can be equals!"

"Equals?!" Mr. Game and Watch screeched, sprinting over from halfway across the airport. "Dear god, the commies have got to you too, Jigglypuff? I must euthanize you at once!"

Mr. Game and Watch pulled out his shotgun, and tested it out by killing Lucas.

"Yeah, it works," smiled Mr. Game and Watch, satisfied.

"Can I buy my very excellent friends Ness and Lucas tickets on the flight after ours?" asked Jigglypuff sweetly.

"Ah-ha, it was a classic double cross!" beamed ROB. "Way to play the game, Jigs!"

"That was mean!" cried Ness. "You're mean, Jigs! I never want to see you again!"

Ness ran away sobbing. Lucas sighed and walked after him. Mr. Game and Watch lapped Ness' tears up from the floor.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Post-leg Interview_

"It's not that we don't like Ness and Lucas," explained Mr. Game and Watch. "It's just that we agree with the notion that they suck and should be hated."

"Trust nobody," added ROB. "Not even yourself."

ROB blinked.

"DARKNESS!" screamed ROB. "THE TERRORISTS ARE TAKING MY SIGHT!"

ROB shot himself.

"Maybe we'll find better luck at that counter the birds were at before," shrugged Mr. Game and Watch. "They may be filthy birds, but they're also filthy birds I want to humiliate and beat!"

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
1__st__ on 10:30 Flight_

"You're clear to go on the flight," sighed the ticket agent, still bored.

"Alright!" cheered Kirby. "We did a great job catching up!"

"Too bad we used unaired methods!" chuckled Meta Knight, dressed as a woman.

Wacky orchestra music played.

_Mario and Sonic  
2__nd__ on 10:30 Flight_

"We ended up making that flight," Sonic told the camera.

"Being-a stuntmen hasn't hampered-a our progress," said Mario. "We're still-a sure we can win-a, even if we are four-a feet tall and middle aged-a!"

"Yeah!" chorused Sonic. "Wait, what?"

_Samus and Pikachu  
3rd on 10:30 Flight_

"Please, we need to get on this flight!" cried Pikachu. "It's urgent!"

"I love it when you beg," whispered Samus seductively.

"Thank you!" smiled Pikachu kindly. "That's very nice of you!"

"It's so hot..." whispered Samus.

"Uh, I think we're on the flight," coughed Pikachu awkwardly, as the tickets were printed out.

Samus tickled his arm.

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink-Wearing Blondes_

"Sorry, but the yellow thing and the slut got the last tickets," said the agent before either princess opened their mouth.

"Oh no!" frowned Peach.

"That's it, they're dying!" screeched Zelda. "I gave them specific orders when I brainwashed them!"

Zelda dissected Peach.

"Ow!" screamed Peach. "Why?"

"Oh, you meant Pikachu and Samus, not Peach's hair and Peach," realised Zelda. "Can we get on standby?"

The ticket agent sighed.

"We might be in trouble!" gasped Peach's corpse.

_Falco and King Dedede  
1st on 9:40 Flight_

"Why do you guys need tickets?" scoffed the agent's replacement. "You're birds, why don't you just fly there?"

"Not cool, yo," snapped Dedede.

"That's racial stereotyping!" shouted Falco. "I'm going to sue this airline and claim my own million dollars! You see if I don't!"

"You won't, birds can't hire lawyers," said the agent.

Falco frowned.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"This is ridiculous, I can't find any flights anywhere," sighed Lucas. "I wish you'd help, Ness."

"No!" refused Ness. "I'm busy!"

"Busy with what?" replied Lucas. "All you seem to be doing is pouring rat poison into my bag!"

"It's the ultimate prank," Ness chuckled to himself.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Look, those kids are still wandering around!" pointed out ROB. "Stay on them; we don't want them to sneak off on us!"

Mr. Game and Watch took out a blow-gun, and shot Lucas with a homing device.

_Snake and Falcon  
Ga-er, Friends_

"We c-can't find a flight!" sobbed Falcon. "And it's getting annoying!"

Falcon fell over. "And I c-can't hold my backpack! It's too heavy!"

"Don't worry!" smiled Snake. "You can borrow one of my supportive undergarments!"

**(The following inappropriate content has been banned by admins. Have a nice day.)**

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"We have no idea where any of the teams are going," sighed Lucas. "So we're just going to get on the first flight we find, and we'll hope that it's better than some of the other teams' flights."

"That's not exactly what's happening," sniffed Ness haughtily.

"Yes it is!" argued Lucas. "We had that whole debacle with Luigi and Jigs, and the next thing we know, we're one of the last ones not on a flight! It couldn't get much worse than this!"

"Actually, we are on several flights!" smiled Ness. "You just don't know it yet!"

"You are seriously a complete idiot," snapped Lucas. "That makes no sense!"

"Also, other teams don't have flights either! Like those gay guys!" grinned Ness. "And the soldier guys! Oh, or the soldier gays, get it?!"

"That was the worst wordplay I've ever heard," said Lucas, irritated.

"I don't think we're having the best of luck this leg," Ness sighed.

"Tell me again, uh, why didn't we decide to go check the giant flight monitors before?" asked Lucas. "We were here third, it's not like we didn't have the time."

"I wanted to trade our camera at the airport pawn shop, thus removing several of our scenes." answered Ness.

"Oh yeah," sighed Lucas. "_That_ was fun..."

Ness and Lucas turned and looked up at the monitor.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Listen here," threatened ROB, leaning over the 9:10 flight's counter. "I'm wanted by the government, and I'm running out of hiding places. I need to go to Orange Ocean, my safe zone, ASAP. Got that?"

"Get on the horn with your superiors and have them airlift us there, pronto!" demanded Mr. Game and Watch. "Or I'll kill you!"

"Now, people don't usually help me straight away," ROB admitted. "But they help me when they see my nine thousand shotguns!"

ROB pulled out said shotguns at the same time.

"Now take us to Orange Ocean," hissed ROB.

"Tell you what, ticket guy, I'm a fair man," assured Mr. Game and Watch. "So I'll give you ten seconds to print us tickets before ROB here does whatever he wants to you. One Mississippi..."

The ticket guy frantically tried to print the tickets.

"Here you go!" he panicked, passing them to the veterans.

ROB shrugged, and shot the ticket agent anyway.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Arranged Marriage_

"Luigi!" gasped Jigglypuff. "We've got a big problem!"

"Really?" asked Luigi hopefully.

"Yeah! Remember how you were mean to me, so I didn't buy you a ticket for the flight we needed?" asked Jigglypuff.

"Yeah?" continued Luigi eagerly.

"My flight's full! We can't go on separate flights!" panicked Jigglypuff.

"Wow. This is a sad day," said Luigi, deadpan.

"Maybe I can get a ticket on your flight!" smiled Jigglypuff, calming down. She dragged Luigi to the ticket counter.

"The 10:30 flight is full," said the ticket agent. "The last ticket was purchased by..." – she checked her computer – "...a Mr. Luigi Mario. I can put you on standby, but there are two women waiting to get on before you."

"Oh no!" gasped Jigglypuff.

"Oh yeah," smirked Zelda, appearing behind her.

Luigi chuckled.

_Snake and Falcon  
1st on 9:10 Flight_

"Heeey there Falcon, I just booked us on this flight!" grinned Snake, dangling the tickets playfully.

"Haha, now give me my ticket!" smiled Falcon.

"You'll have to wrestle it off of me!" cooed Snake.

Snake and Falcon began wrestling for a few seconds, and then stood up.

"We're not gay in the slightest," assured Snake to nobody in particular.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
2__nd__ on 9:10 Flight_

"See, you just have to be firm with these people," said ROB, standing over the ticket printer's remains.

"You beat up another machine!" smiled Mr. Game and Watch.

"You're damn right I did!" ROB grinned. "We can use its leaking ink as camouflage, and then we can sneak onto the plane with our advanced troop formation tactics. It's a foolproof plan!"

Mr. Game and Watch let out an opera harmony.

"No, that's the wrong thing," said ROB.

Mr. Game and Watch let out a war cry.

_Ness and Lucas  
2__nd__ on 9:40 Flight_

"I think my airport strategy was completely indicative of what a tactical genius I am!" smiled Ness. "Maybe next time you should believe in me!"

"Genius?" repeated Lucas. "You wandered around in circles for ages until I saw the flight monitor!"

"Heh, yeah, I know, I'm awesome," Ness chuckled, taking his tickets.

"Maybe we should just focus on being more considerate towards each other," sighed Lucas.

"Good thinking! You can start by congratulating me on my genius!" smiled Ness.

"By 'we', I meant you," replied Lucas. "Jerk."

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Arranged Marriage_

"This sucks!" panicked Jigglypuff, running around in circles.

"I disagree," Luigi disagreed.

Zelda quickly stabbed them both.

"Okay, you can get on the flight ahead of them!" panicked the ticket agent, eyeing Zelda's knife. "Green guy and puffball girl, you'll just have to settle for the next best thing!"

"_All teams are now flying to Orange Ocean, Dream Land!" announced Crazy Hand._

"_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch and Snake and Falcon are on the first flight, departing at 9:10am!"_

"_Falco and King Dedede and Ness and Lucas are on the second flight, departing at 9:40am!"_

"_The 10:30 flight contains Kirby and Meta Knight, Mario and Sonic, Samus and Pikachu, and Peach and Zelda! Luigi and Jigglypuff were forced to take a later flight, not departing until 11:00am, almost two hours behind the first flight!"_

_Orange Ocean, Dream Land  
1__st__ Flight Landed_

The two teams sprinted out of the plane.

"ROB, I bet you one million dollars that I can outrun these fairy boys!" shouted Mr. Game and Watch.

"Is that a binding contract?" ROB chuckled.

"Falcon, come on!" shouted Snake. "They're signing a contract! We can totally pass them! Falcon?"

Snake turned to see Falcon hastily throwing away a rag.

"Were you sniffing one of my old bandanas?" asked Snake suspiciously.

"Don't be stupid!" giggled Falcon nervously. "Straight people would not do such a thing to their friends!"

Mr. Game and Watch ran past Snake and Falcon.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Hot damn!" ROB grinned, diving into the driver's seat. "I haven't driven through Orange Ocean since the war! Isn't that right, Mr. Game and Watch?"

"You owe me one million dollars," Mr. Game and Watch frowned.

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Before we drive, we need to make sure the tyres are nice and....firm..." trailed off Snake, admiring Falcon's body.

"Yeah, we want one with decent....suspension..." drooled Falcon.

Both snapped out of their trance and hurriedly jumped into a car.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred ninety nine..." counted ROB, pulling notes out of his wallet. "...aaaand...one million. There you go!"

"Thanks!" smiled Mr. Game and Watch, putting away his pocket change. "Say, did those liberal gay advocates ever catch up to us?"

Snake and Falcon's car passed ROB and Mr. Game and Watch's.

"After them, boy! Ten hut!" screeched Mr. Game and Watch, brandishing his shotgun.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"Ooh, this lake is so beautiful!" Snake simpered, as they drove past an oil slick. "Hold me close, Falcon!"

Falcon held Snake close.

...

Snake snapped Falcon's back.

"See, cameraman? I was just practicing...uh...my Brazilian street fighting techniques!" panicked Snake.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"I hate how everything's so orange in Orange Ocean," fumed ROB. "Those damned Mexicans must be behind it, what with that being their National Action party color..."

"Don't worry, I've got my secret ninja weapons!" grinned Mr. Game and Watch, producing some ninja stars.

"Don't worry, I've got my government agent weapons!" grinned ROB, producing a gun.

"Don't worry, I've got my Super Smash Brother weapons!" grinned Mr. Game and Watch, producing a flower or a star or something.

_2__nd__ Flight Landed_

"Go wit' da flow mang, no need to hurry," smiled King Dedede calmly, walking through the airport.

"Yeah, we've got a lot of teams behind us, we can just cool it for now," shrugged Falco.

Ness and Lucas sprinted past the birds.

"Aw hell naw!" cried Dedede, angrily head-bobbing.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Because I'm awesome, I determined the exact location of this Heavy Mole dude we need to find!" cheered Ness, balling up the clue.

"Right...that's fine..." sighed Lucas. "Maybe we should get some extra directions....in case you're wrong."

"Why would I be wrong?" sobbed Ness. "I'm a lawyer, I'm older than you by nine years, and I like walking aimlessly up hills! That means I'm never wrong! Ever! What makes you think you're right? You're nothing! You're pathetic! You're only my sister, who cares what you think?"

"Whoa, wait, what?" asked Lucas. "What are you talking about? _Who_ are you talking about? You're not a lawyer, you're not my older brother, and I'm not a girl!"

"Fine Lucas, keep living a lie!" screeched Ness. "But I know that I'm right! That's all that matters!"

"Just drive the damn car!" shouted Lucas.

"Oh, okay!" smiled Ness happily. "Lalalalala! I'm glad we're buds, Lucas!"

"Whatever, nobody likes you anyway," shrugged Lucas.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"I think the kids know exactly where they're going!" called Falco, hopping into the car. "We just need to follow them and we're good!"

"Coo', mang," Dedede grinned.

"Yes, it is, now take this," said Falco hurriedly, handing King Dedede a dictionary. "Learn to speak properly before our next scene; it's very annoying hearing your entire urban lingo."

"Racist," scoffed Dedede.

"I am not racist!" argued Falco. "We're the oppressed racial team! We shouldn't turn on each other!"

"Yeah, save all your arguments for your casinos and your reservations, you damn birds," added the cameraman.

Falco punched out the camera.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"The birds are following us," noticed Lucas.

"Falcon and Dedede?" asked Ness.

"No, Falco and Dedede," corrected Lucas.

"Your accent makes you pronounce Captain Falcon weird!" Ness chuckled.

_Yogurt Yard  
Heavy Mole_

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"There's that mole!" gasped Falcon excitedly.

"Where?!" panicked Snake girlishly. "Is it noticeable? Quick, hand me my lotions!"

Falcon blinked.

"The lotions I use to exfoliate my car's....engine..." sweated Snake. "Um...oh look, the mole with the clue! Your home is very beautiful, Mr. Mole!"

"Silence!" barked Heavy Mole. "I am waiting for the glorious return of our king!"

"Sounds like a real dominating figure," laughed Falcon. "He could dominate us any time!"

"What?" Snake and Heavy Mole asked simultaneously.

"Uh, I mean, you must now make your way to Butter Building!" read Falcon.

"_Teams must now make their way to the nearby Butter Building!" said Crazy Hand. "Once there, teams will find their next clue!"_

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Hup two, three, four! Hup two, three, four!" chanted ROB and Mr. Game and Watch, jogging up to Heavy Mole as Snake and Falcon left.

"Are you here for the clue?" asked Heavy Mole.

"Who said that? Who's there? Is anywhere safe?" demanded Mr. Game and Watch, getting into combat position bravo delta seven orange variant three. Mark five.

"That isn't the way you were trained to do that manoeuvre, private!" barked ROB, snatching the clue. "It goes like so!"

ROB shot Heavy Mole.

"Make your way to Butter Building," read ROB, after a thorough cavity search was performed on the clue.

_Butter Building_

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Why are there all these little tables?" asked Falcon cautiously as they jogged up to the cluebox.

"Road Block!" read Snake, taking a clue. "Who can believe this is butter?"

"What?" asked a confused Falcon.

"_A Road Block is a task only one person can perform!" explained Crazy Hand. "In this Road Block, the chosen team member must pick one of nine tables, and eat a meal: a giant butter sculpture of Butter Building! The butter sculpture contains their next clue, so the team member must be a quick and lucky eater to find the clue hidden inside!"_

"A sculpture of this place?" gasped Falcon. "It's huge!"

"I wouldn't be caught dead doing this task!" scoffed Snake. "They'd have to torture me first!"

Snake winked.

"I sure hope that the torturer doesn't use this whip I found in his backpack," continued Snake, pulling a whip out of Falcon's backpack.

"I hope he doesn't either!" laughed Falcon nervously. "That would be gay!"

Snake burst into tears and sat at one of the tables, putting on a frilly pink bib.

_Yogurt Yard_

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Well Ness? This is Yogurt Yard, you said you knew where Heavy Mole is," pointed out Lucas.

"I'm working on it!" snapped Ness. "We'll find him ages before Falcon and King Dedede!"

"Falco," said Lucas flatly. "It's Falco and King Dedede."

"You have such a bad accent!" yelled Ness. "His name is Captain Falcon! And I don't know why you keep calling that team the birds when we know fine that Captain Falcon travels with a snake!"

Lucas blankly stared at Ness.

"His pet snake, King Dedede!" finished Ness proudly. "See, I know a lot about everything!"

_Butter Building_

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"This is a Road Block, scumdirtbagsack!" barked ROB. "And it looks like an eating task!"

"Okay, go ahead," said Mr. Game and Watch.

"Me? But I can't...." paused ROB. "Can you eat?"

"I don't think so," Mr. Game and Watch frowned. "You know, with the two dimensions and all."

"I think the military designed me with eating functions in case I needed to eat my way out of the enemy base," shrugged ROB. "I guess I'll do it."

_Snake  
On Road Block_

"Oh no, the army boys are here!" panicked Snake. "And I can't eat this fast enough! Ooh, I'm such a fatty!"

"Don't worry!" called Falcon. "Remember we're both wearing one-size fits all thongs, they'll support you no matter how much fat you take in!"

"Good point!" called back Snake. "Wait...how do you know what underwear I'm wearing?"

Falcon panted heavily.

_ROB  
On Road Block_

ROB marched over to the second table.

"My dairy sensors are activating!" gasped ROB. "That is a lot of butter, sir!"

"Can you do this?" asked Mr. Game and Watch. "You only have to eat until you find a clue!"

"I wasn't the brigadier of the soup kitchen in Stanistan for nothing!" declared ROB. "I shall perform this solo mission!"

_Snake  
On Road Block_

"Soup kitchen?" repeated Snake. "Wow, I wonder if ROB and Mr. Game and Watch know any baking recipes! I need to get in touch with them after the race!"

Snake thoughtfully ate a chunk of butter.

"Plus...they're so tough...and handsome..." sighed Snake dreamily.

"What are you doing!" cried Falcon. "Hurry up and eat! Were you fantasizing?"

"I was dreaming about the chicks, Falcon!" called Snake.

Falcon ran some tests and concluded that he, Snake, ROB and Mr. Game and Watch were all male.

"There aren't any chicks here!" shouted a confused Falcon.

"Uh..."

_ROB  
On Road Block_

"Eat! Eat, you miserable maggot!" bellowed Mr. Game and Watch.

"Eat! Eat, you miserable maggots!" bellowed ROB.

A swarm of maggots devoured ROB's butter sculpture and scuttled off in perfect marching formation.

ROB picked up the clue.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I'm done! Mission accomplished!" cheered ROB, giving a twenty-one gun salute.

"That was an excellent job, dirtbag! I'm promoting you to colonel!" Mr. Game and Watch grinned.

"But I was a brigadier last time," frowned ROB. "Why am I going down a rank? Is it a government plot? Huh? Who are you working for!?"

ROB pulled out his shotgun and shot Mr. Game and Watch.

"Fine, I'm promoting you to private," said Mr. Game and Watch's remains.

"Hot damn!" cheered ROB. "Make your way to the Fountain of Dreams..."

"_Teams must now drive to the Fountain of Dreams!" said Crazy Hand. "Once there, they must take a Warp Star ride to the Fountain's top, where they will find their next clue!"_

_Snake  
On Road Block_

"This is bad!" panicked Falcon. "Poor Snakey's eating too much! What if he gets sick before he finishes the Road Block?"

"I'll be fine! Stop worrying about me! I feel nothing!" boasted Snake defensively, quickly eating his butter. "Just watch me! I'll find that clue in the manliest manner possible!"

"Oh, this'll be fun!" cheered Falcon. "You can be the big, strong butter man and I can be your cheerleader!"

Falcon excitedly began sewing a cheerleader outfit.

"Don't get frustrated, big guy!" smiled Falcon. "You'll love my pep cheer!"

Falcon dropped his outfit immediately, and squealed girlishly.

"I think I just saw the clue!" gasped Falcon.

"Really?" asked Snake, excitedly spraying butter everywhere.

"Oopsie, optical illusion!" chuckled Falcon. "Never mind!"

"Dammit woman!" yelled Snake.

"Woman?" repeated Falcon. "What made you think I'm effeminate?"

"Sorry!" sobbed Snake. "I'm just really sensitive!"

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"I can't drive this damn car!" shouted Mr. Game and Watch angrily. "Clearly it's a terrorist plot to get us eliminated!"

"Jumpin' Jerries!" exclaimed ROB. "Smoke signals are being distributed from our vehicle!"

"I shall discipline the hostile vehicle!" yelled Mr. Game and Watch, pulling out his shotgun.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Right, I think we must be either third or fourth," shrugged Falco.

"Yo, I think so," agreed Dedede, eating from a small bag.

"Where did you get that?" demanded Falco.

"Under y'all's seat, homie," smiled Dedede.

"Yo, don't take them birdseeds!" shouted Falco. "Them ain't yo' birdseeds! Them's Falco's birdseeds!"

King Dedede's jaw dropped. Falco turned pink.

"Oh look, there are ROB and Mr. Game and Watch going the other way!" Falco chuckled defensively.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

Mr. Game and Watch cursed heavily in seven different Southern accents and shot the car's engine with his shotgun. Birdseed billowed out.

"What in the-someone's sabotaged us! Diabolical!" cursed Mr. Game and Watch. "I'll spit out my all-American tobacco and hose down those rascally junebugs!"

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Should we get out and help them?" asked Falco.

"My stomach hurts, dawg," complained Dedede.

"What?" asked Falco. "Let me see that bag...why do I have shotgun shells?"

King Dedede was dead of lead poisoning.

"Well, that's just great," Falco sighed. "Now I'm going to have to pull over and wait for him to wake up! Stupid bird."

Falco covered his beak, ashamed.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Oh, so this is birdseed, eh?" asked ROB incredulously, interrogating the seeds. "Well, it's clear that the culprits are those filthy birds!"

"Those birds are disgusting!" bellowed Mr. Game and Watch. "If we both make it to the pit stop, I'm gonna kill them twice each!"

"It'll be mano y mano, bird y bird," threatened ROB. "They just made our hitlist!"

"Second behind Mario and Sonic!" added Mr. Game and Watch, shooting birdseed threateningly.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"The clue!" screamed Ness, holding Heavy Mole at gunpoint. "Give us the freaking clue!"

"Yeah, that..." Lucas sighed. "The clue, please, mole guy...if you don't mind."

Heavy Mole, trembling, passed Ness the clue.

"Read it!" demanded Ness, punching Lucas.

"Okay, fine. Ahem, make your way to Butter Building," read Lucas.

Ness had a laughing spasm.

"You think it's a dumb name?" asked Lucas, annoyed.

"Butt Building!" Ness chortled, crying with laughter.

"I hate you," said Lucas, getting in the car.

_Snake  
On Road Block_

Sobbing heavily, Snake ate the last of the butter.

"The clue's here!" cried Snake, cheering up. "Oh, but I'm too fat to stand up!"

Falcon ran up and jumped happily into Snake's arms.

"Hold me, Dave!" cheered Falcon.

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Get off of me, I'm straight!" complained Snake, standing up and ripping the clue open. "Make your way to the Fountain of Dreams!"

"I've got my dream right here," Falcon simpered.

"What?" asked Snake.

"The new Playboy!" laughed Falcon defensively. "I clearly mean that and nothing else!"

_Orange Ocean Airport  
3__rd__ Flight Landed_

The four teams all sprinted out of the plane at once.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Mario, hurry up!" called Sonic. "We need to beat everyone!"

"But how-a?" asked Mario. "You're the fastest-a thing alive-a! I can't-a possibly run as fast as you-a!"

"Look! The Mario and Sonic signal!" gasped Sonic, pointing at a car's headlights outside.

Mario teleported to the car and got in.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Hurry, Miss Zelda!" called Peach. "We want to beat all the other teams, don't we?"

"You want to do what?" demanded Zelda. "You expect me to horribly defile and defame the rest of the teams by defeating them in some asinine reality show? You make me sick!"

Zelda picked Peach up and threw her against the wall.

"If I ever catch you anywhere near me ever again, so help me I will beat you so badly you will cry yourself into a stroke!" bellowed Zelda.

Peach sobbed heavily, fearfully twitching.

"But we get a million dollars!" cheered Zelda. "Come on, let's go!"

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Back home!" cheered Kirby.

"With all of our fans!" agreed Meta Knight.

Several passing Waddle Dees threw tomatoes at the puffballs.

"Ah, our loyal sponsors!" smiled Kirby. "Come on, guys! You can cheer for Meta and me!"

"You killed our people and ate us!" argued a Waddle Dee.

"Aw, how adorable," chuckled Meta Knight.

"Want to sign our backpacks?" asked Kirby. "Ooh, don't forget to spoil our position in the race to the press! People love spoilers!"

**(This scene has been blocked out to bring you this spoiler: Kirby and Meta Knight are neither the first or second team eliminated.)**

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"Come on, Samus! We're lagging behind!" panicked Pikachu, running through the airport. "We don't want to get eliminated, do we? Oh, the fellows at the chapel would never let me live it down!"

"What's the big rush, anyway?" asked Samus, sipping a martini.

"It's a race!" shouted Pikachu. "If we win, we get a million dollars! If we're last, we lose!"

"What about this great experience?" asked Samus innocently.

"I don't care about the experience!" screamed Pikachu.

"Wow, you're scary in Orange Ocean," said Samus.

"I'm sorry I yelled, sweetie," apologised Pikachu.

"No, don't worry about it, it's kind of hot!" smiled Samus seductively.

_Yogurt Yard_

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"You're in charge of this place," remembered Falco as he and Dedede flew up to Heavy Mole. "Do you know how to reason with this guy?"

"Absolizzle, yo'!" grinned King Dedede. He hit Heavy Mole with his hammer.

"A clue, my liege!" smiled Heavy Mole in an over-the-top way.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Wow, you run a pretty abusive kingdom," said Falco.

"Yo holmes, I don't think I is even the king," shrugged Dedede. "They wouldn't let a bird be kingizzle."

"Of course they wouldn't!" fumed Falco. "That's what's wrong with this place! Nobody has any respect!"

"I respect you guys!" piped up Heavy Mole.

"Oh, good," smiled Falco, walking away and shedding some feathers.

Heavy Mole panicked and swept up the feathers, groaning squeamishly.

_Butter Building_

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Well, we're at Butt Building!" laughed Ness hysterically.

"That's not funny," pointed out Lucas.

"It's a little funny!" pouted Ness.

"No. It's not," affirmed Lucas. "Road Block!"

"Looks like we're eating at these tables!" Ness grinned, looking at the nine miniature butter towers, two of which were eaten. "I want to do it! You suck at eating!"

"My mom died. My dad can't cook," said Lucas angrily. "And we can't afford to eat out."

"Anorexic pansy!" laughed Ness. "I guess the clue's buried under all this butter! Good thing I'm eating it and you're not vomiting it up!"

Ness ran off to do the Road Block.

_Ness  
On Road Block_

"You are a horrible person!" shouted Lucas angrily.

Ness shoved the entire butter tower in his mouth, glaring tauntingly at Lucas.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" demanded Lucas, shocked.

Ness passed out after throwing up the clue.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Oh my god, man!" gasped Lucas. "You're a freak!"

...

"Oh well. Make your way to the Fountain of Dreams," read Lucas, tossing Ness back in the car.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"The cupcake boys are behind us," noticed ROB, checking the wing mirror.

"Who?" asked Mr. Game and Watch.

"The fruity men," said ROB impatiently. "The camp guys, the ladyboys, them danged gay types, man, come on!"

"Shee-yoot," whistled Mr. Game and Watch. "They better hike up their lacies, they're in for a rough ride, boy!"

"Repeat that, sir, I do not read," replied ROB.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"It's the army guys!" cheered Falcon, clapping excitedly.

"We can beat them after all!" smiled Snake. "I almost feel better about stretching the latex in my tiny, tiny, tiny thong!"

Falcon began sweating profusely for a very heterosexual reason.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Those commies are gaining on us!" called ROB. "I can't shake 'em!"

"Quick, pass me some more of that there birdseed," ordered Mr. Game and Watch. "I'll get rid of them!"

Mr. Game and Watch loaded his shotgun with more soft seeds, glaring threateningly at Snake and Falcon's car.

"Give 'em a chance to surrender!" barked ROB. "Then we can get the fun going!"

_Butter Building_

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Road Block!" read Falco. "I think it's an eating challenge, are you up for it?"

King Dedede patted his stomach.

"Yo, those shotgun shells fillizzled me right up, dawg," admitted Dedede.

"Oh, okay, I'll do it," said Falco.

_Falco  
On Road Block_

Falco walked over to one of the butter sculptures, and picked up a fork.

"Here I go!" announced Falco theatrically.

Knuckle Joe appeared as if from nowhere.

"Halt!" demanded Knuckle Joe. "Don't you dare eat that!"

"What?!" asked Falco, confused. "It's for the Road Block in this race I'm in!"

"Birds can't be on The Amazing Race!" argued Knuckle Joe. "You're lying!"

"Yeah, well, you're a midget!" argued Falco. "Now let me eat my butter!"

"Fine!" snapped Knuckle Joe, throwing some powder at the butter. "Enjoy your non-laced butter!"

Knuckle Joe angrily disappeared.

"Some groups of people are really mean!" pouted Falco.

_Yogurt Yard_

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

An over-the-top theme song played as Mario and Sonic dramatically ran up and mugged Heavy Mole for the clue.

"Mamamamamamamamama-make your way! To Butter Building!" sang Sonic, off-key to the Batman theme tune.

"This-a joke is hard to convey in writing but it shows-a that we're annoying with the superhero gimmick-a danananananana Marioman!" sang Mario quickly. "Come boy wonder-a, we've got a building to go to!"

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Why, it's our old buddy Heavy Mole!" Kirby grinned. "Hey buddy! Meta and I are racing around the world!"

"It's for charity!" Meta Knight lied.

"Would you like to sponsor us?" asked Kirby, giving Heavy Mole a sign-up sheet. "When we win the race, you get a mousepad and a coaster!"

"It's a freaking rip-off!" smiled Meta Knight.

Kirby nudged him and handed him a different cue card.

"It's a great bargain!" smiled Meta Knight.

Heavy Mole flipped them both off and gave them the clue.

"Well, somebody's not getting the promotional Kirby and Meta Knight marker pen," sniffed Kirby haughtily.

"Make your way to Butter Building!" read Meta Knight.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Hello, are you giving out clues?" asked Peach politely.

"Who wants to know?" asked Heavy Mole warily.

"The greatest vaudeville act to hit Orange Ocean!" grinned Zelda, blinking off-focus. "The talkie pictures are our big break! We'll make it in this town! You see if we don't!"

"What's her problem?" asked Heavy Mole.

"Oh, hang on, I think I've got the list of her problems somewhere in my bag," smiled Peach. "Let's see....schizophrenia, dementia, oh, and too many phobias to name..."

"Give me the clue or the boy dies!" screamed Zelda, holding a knife to her backpack.

"...Alzheimer's...night terrors..." continued Peach.

"Here's your clue!" panicked Heavy Mole.

"...IBS..." continued Peach.

"Make your way to Butter Building!" read Zelda.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"Heavy Mole?" checked Pikachu. "You have a clue for us?"

"You race people are all so strange," said Heavy Mole.

"Oh, don't worry, we're the normal ones," smiled Pikachu.

"You got any morphine?" asked Samus, wearing a trenchcoat.

"No honey, I'm a holy man," said Pikachu calmly. "Go ask that shady fellow over on the corner of the street, okay?"

"I'm married to a mouse!" smiled Samus creepily, skipping off. "I can't wait to get intoxicated!"

"See?" laughed Pikachu. "We're the normal ones by a longshot!"

_Butter Building_

_Falco  
On Road Block_

"Yo, F-man, go faster!" urged King Dedede.

"I'm trying!" yelled Falco, struggling to eat the butter. "I think that short freak put something in my butter! It's making my stomach churn and turn and burn and everything!"

"Dag, this be takin' too long, mang," lamented Dedede.

Falco coughed heavily.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Road Block!" read Mario. "Curses-a! Clearly there are now-a construction works blocking our roads-a! This must be the work of an evil force-a, like the Faces of-a Evil!"

"I just wonder what Ganon's up to!" chuckled Sonic. "I'll tackle this obstacle!"

_Falco  
On Road Block_

"Dawg, everybody be catchin' upizzle!" shouted Dedede.

"What do you want from me?" shouted Falco. "This isn't my fault! It's that Knuckle Joe guy's fault! He did something to this butter!"

A bottle of rat poison rolled under the table.

"Hmm, I wonder what this is for?" wondered Falco. "Maybe it's a preservative or something."

Falco sprinkled some (more) rat poison on his butter.

_Sonic  
On Road Block_

Sonic slid down a pole on his chair somehow, and changed costume.

"Behold, my Girdle of Weight Retaining!" declared Sonic. "Say your prayers, butter!"

FORK! KNIFE! EAT!

Sonic picked up the clue, his face turning green.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Wow-a! Your powers of eating let us-a pass the birds!" smiled Mario.

"No more...ever..." gasped Sonic, swallowing butter chunks.

"That's right, we are awesome-a!" grinned Mario. "Make your way to the Fountain of Dreams, winner-a!"

Sonic's girdle burst open.

WEIGHT GAIN! FLAB! CHOLESTEROL!

Mario threw a moaning Sonic into the car and drove off.

_Orange Ocean Airport  
Last Flight Landed_

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Currently in Last Place_

"Wow, that was a long flight sitting right next to you and only you," groaned Luigi, wiping his arms with a sponge.

"It was so romantic!" cheered Jigglypuff, getting into a car. "So what do you think we should do now?"

"I think we should get this Heavy Mole guy to take you down to his underground cavern and feed you to the parasites," replied Luigi.

"Sounds like a nifty plan!" grinned Jigglypuff. "If you think that's where the next clue is!"

"That was just stop one on my list!" smiled Luigi. "We've got a whole self-harming tour ahead of us!"

_Butter Building_

_Falco  
On Road Block_

"This is misery, yo," King Dedede sighed to the camera.

"I just have to pace myself!" choked Falco, eyes watering. "I'll get it done, don't worry!"

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Road Block!" read Meta Knight. "Look, Falco's eating over there! Now if only we had someone on our team who loves to eat..."

"You mean like me?" asked Kirby excitedly.

"No, it needs to be somebody on this team...maybe Wario..." Meta Knight chuckled.

"Yeah, or me, Kirby!" cheered Kirby.

"Is Yoshi available?" Meta Knight joked.

Kirby pulled out a shotgun and murdered Meta Knight violently.

"I'm doing it!" yelled Kirby, running to the table.

_Kirby  
On Road Block_

"Hi Falco!" greeted Kirby. "How long have you been here?"

"Seems like forever," sniffed Falco sadly.

"Oh cool!" agreed Kirby, not listening. "Want to sponsor me to win the race?"

Falco burst into tears.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Road Block!" read Peach. "Do you want to do it, Miss Zelda?"

Zelda tore off her own face and stapled it to Peach's bag.

"At least you're in a good mood!" smiled Peach happily, walking off to a table.

Zelda's faceless body set both backpacks on fire.

_Peach  
On Road Block_

"I just need to do this slowly and steadily!" Peach told the camera. "Mr. Falco seems to be having trouble with his butter! Looks like this is a hard task! But I can overcome it!"

Zelda fired rat poison out of a blowgun...eh, what the hell, _shot_gun, at Falco's butter.

_Kirby  
On Road Block_

Kirby swallowed part of the butter sculpture, and became Butter Kirby.

"Well, that killed some time!" Kirby grinned. "Now I look funny in addition to being riotously funny on my own!"

Kirby noticed Peach.

"Hi blonde number one!" greeted Kirby. "Want to sponsor me to win the race? You get a free bank noti-mousepad!"

_Falco  
On Road Block_

"Urgh, I can't do this," groaned Falco. "There's rat poison in my eyes, rat poison in my butter, and now a lot of rat poison in my mouth. It hurts too much to continue!"

"Don't give up, yo!" called Dedede.

"I'm dying!" argued Falco.

_Peach  
On Road Block_

"Fork, knife, eat, napkin, water," Peach whispered to herself, absent-mindedly hurrying through the butter.

"Find the clue!" screamed Zelda. "Don't make me come down there!"

Zelda glared accusingly at Kirby.

"I'm over here!" waved Peach cheerfully. "Scream at me, not him!"

"Oh, sorry," apologised Zelda. "Find the goddamn clue!"

"That's better!" smiled Peach. She took another mouthful and picked up the clue.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Make your way to the Fountain of Dreams," read Peach.

"Why don't you fear me anymore?" demanded Zelda.

"I'm growing used to you!" smiled Peach. "You may have your ups and downs, but you're still my friend, girl!"

Peach hugged Zelda.

Zelda slit Peach's throat and videotaped her death.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"Look, the girls are leaving!" noticed Pikachu. "We have to hurry now!"

"Bye Peach and Zelda!" waved Samus happily. "I hope you have fun at the next place!"

"Die in a fire!" shouted Zelda, driving past.

"Road Block!" read Pikachu.

"They're nice ladies!" Samus grinned. "I'll do it!"

_Samus  
On Road Block_

Samus ran over and sat at a table.

"So do I eat this?" asked Samus.

"Yes!" called Pikachu. "Hurry up babe! We need to pass some people!"

"But, like, is there anything to drink?" asked Samus.

"What difference does that make?!" hollered Pikachu.

"It makes everything more fun!" smiled Samus. "My morphine's totally about to run out!"

"Well, you should have thought about alcohol and morphine _before_ you volunteered to do this Road Block!" reprimanded Pikachu.

_Kirby  
On Road Block_

"The locals love me here!" Kirby grinned. "Look, Meta Knight, they're helping me eat by giving me relaxing throat massages between mouthfuls!"

A horde of angry Waddle Dees were strangling Kirby.

"Let me get a picture!" called Meta Knight, taking out a camera. "Smile, Waddle Dees, smile for my hilarious prop camera!"

Half of the Waddle Dees threateningly went over to Meta Knight.

"Say cheese!" encouraged Meta Knight. "Or should I say, say butter!"

Meta Knight burst out laughing.

Kirby burst out laughing.

The Waddle Dees took out various weapons.

_Falco  
On Road Block_

"This poison is really thick!" sobbed Falco. "Why does it always have to be me that gets poisoned eating butter in Orange Ocean for the first time?"

"It's nothing personal," said Knuckle Joe, reappearing. "I just get mad when illegal immigrants cross over into Dream Land's borders."

"Illegal immi-_he's_ the king of Dream Land!" spluttered Falco furiously, pointing at King Dedede.

"What? Listen, Dedede, just because you won one little game of poker against Dream Land's government doesn't mean you're king!" shouted Knuckle Joe.

"Yo, I know," shrugged Dedede. "King is justizzle my first name, holmes. It's short fo' Kingsley, y'dig?"

Falco calmly moved his butter sculpture to one side so he could bang his head against the table.

_Yogurt Yard_

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Currently in Last Place_

"Hey, you're another race team," said Heavy Mole, as Luigi and Jigglypuff arrived. "I've got the clue for you!"

"Thanks, mister!" smiled Jigglypuff.

"So, are you having a good time on the race?" asked Heavy Mole.

"No!" snapped Luigi. "I'm being forced around the world with this miserable excuse for intelligent life and I can't escape! First leg, I got kind of penalized and it still didn't take me out! Second leg, I drove my freaking car off of a cliff and the gas tank exploded, but somehow the guys who fricking _won_ the first leg got kicked off! And now I'm making small talk with a mole, when instead I could be home killing myself or at least becoming voluntarily celibate so that I would be able to put up with this woman!"

"Aww, sweetie, I want to celebrate at home after we win too!" smiled Jigglypuff.

"Do you even understand any of what I just said?" screamed Luigi.

Heavy Mole was back in his hole already.

"Make your way to Butter Building!" read Jigglypuff.

"Don't change the subject!" shouted Luigi. "Oh, wait, this means you're not talking to me! Capital!"

_Butter Building_

_Kirby  
On Road Block_

"Hey guys, I think I'm coming up to the clue!" Kirby grinned, seeing the corner of the envelope among his butter.

"Could you check?" asked Meta Knight, biting back laughter.

Kirby took a final bite of the butter. Blood spurted from his mouth in all directions.

"Wack!" gasped King Dedede.

"He's cursed!" squeaked Pikachu.

"Ewww!" whined Samus.

Falco gagged on his butter in disgust.

"Just kidding, guys!" smiled Kirby, pulling something plastic out of his mouth. "It's a prop blood pouch! Fooled you! And I've got the clue!"

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Make your way to the Fountain of Dreams!" read Kirby. "Boy, good thing I know where that is!"

"So do I!" chuckled Meta Knight. "Take about your home field advantage!"

Kirby and Meta Knight strolled off, everyone else doused in fake blood.

_Falco  
On Road Block_

"I hate this task!" screamed Falco at once, throwing his fork aside. "We were here fourth and now we're nearly last because of some stupid poison!"

"Yo, you don't have to eat it, dawg," observed Dedede. "Y'all just have to get the cluizzle from unda' it. Stick a hand in."

"Oh, I guess it couldn't hurt," shrugged Falco, plunging his arm into the butter sculpture.

"Feel anythin'?" asked Dedede.

Falco pulled his arm out, now missing his forearm.

"Nope, good idea though Deeds," shrugged Falco. "Say, do you feel slightly corroded or is that just me?"

Falco idly raised his stump, because nothing bad would happen.

_Samus  
On Road Block_

"Raichu, I know this task is taking me a while," admitted Samus apologetically, eating butter.

"It's Pikachu, hun," replied Pikachu calmly.

"Sure thing, Dragonite," nodded Samus. "But if we're last, I want you to know that you're the sweetest husband ever and I've really enjoyed our short time on the race together."

"Wow, Samus, that was very nice and mature of you!" smiled Pikachu. "It seems as if you're really growing on the-"

Falco idly raised his stump, and the disembodied arm being kept alive by the rat poison's chemical reactions to the inferior DNA and slimy goo of a bird burst forth and knocked over Samus' butter sculpture, revealing the clue underneath.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Woo! U-S-A! U-S-A! Come on Pokemon Trainer, let's go pop some _race_ in the rest of the teams' asses!" cheered Samus, miraculously drunk now.

"It's Pikachu, hun," replied Pikachu irritably. "Make your way to the Fountain of Dreams..."

_Falco  
On Road Block_

Falco blinked.

King Dedede blinked.

"I've had it, I'm done," said Falco simply.

"N-naw, man, keep goin'," said Dedede, in shock.

"Should I stick my other arm in and bring back a few eliminated teams to beat us?" asked Falco bitterly.

"G', I think y'all should keep eatin', fo' sho'," suggested Dedede.

"Hard for me to go back to that right now, three teams came and left," replied Falco, bitterly picking up a handful of butter.

King Dedede nodded sympathetically, staring at the ground. Suddenly, he noticed something.

"Yo, look, our clue fell out," noticed King Dedede. "It's unda' our tablizzle."

Falco bent down and picked the clue up from under the table.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"That's weird," Falco chuckled. "It was right under the centre of the table, almost as if it had been planted there. No way would it have landed there by falling out of the sculpture."

"Yeah," laughed Dedede. "Kinda funny when y'all thinks about it."

Falco and King Dedede laughed, and then froze. Falco ripped open the clue.

"Make your way to the Fountain of Dreams," read Falco. "P.S. I hope this task annoyed you as much as birds being on television annoys us, sincerely, the producers. P.P.S. Suck it, bitch."

"Dag, yo," said Dedede.

"Those motherfu-"

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Currently in Last Place_

Luigi and Jigglypuff ran up to the tables.

"Hi Falco!" smiled Jigglypuff.

"-cking co-"

"Dammit, why can't those birds mind their language?" fumed Luigi.

"-cksucker son of a bi-"

"Good point, you bastard!" smiled Jigglypuff happily. "Little kids watch this show!"

"-tch shi-"

"Aw hell, it's a Road Block..." read Luigi.

"-tbags!" shouted Falco, driving off with King Dedede.

"You can eat butter!" Jigglypuff grinned.

"Hey, maybe I'll get a heart attack and die!" Luigi chuckled.

Jigglypuff chuckled. Luigi made a mad dash for a table.

_Fountain of Dreams_

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Hurry, what do we do know?" asked ROB.

Mr. Game and Watch pistol-whipped the clue for information.

"Says we have to take a Warp Star ride up to the top," replied Mr. Game and Watch.

"That's right!" smiled a Waddle Dee, popping up. "And it looks like your friends behind you are ready to catch the same Star as you!"

"Put a cork in it, commie Joe," snapped ROB. "We can't let the fairy boys know they've caught up!"

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"Look, the army boys are busy talking to that Waddle Dee!" noticed Snake. "We've caught up!"

"We don't need to ride the Warp Star," shrugged Falcon. "We can ride these blow-up dolls in our likeness I conveniently found!"

Falcon showed Snake a pair of Snake and Falcon blow-up dolls. The Snake doll looked used.

"Where did you find them?" asked Snake curiously.

"My backpack!" grinned Falcon.

"Oh, cool, some, uh...babes must have left them there," chuckled Snake.

"Yeah, imagine they were mine! That would be gay, right?" checked Falcon.

The cameraman quit.

"Let's just ride the star," decided Snake.

_1__st__ Warp Star Ride  
ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Snake and Falcon_

"Those were some intense negotiations, but it's a good thing those gay fellows weren't allowed on our Warp Star," said Mr. Game and Watch, relieved.

"Yes we were!" pouted Snake indignantly.

Everyone stared at him.

"I mean, who are the gay guys?" asked Snake. "Marth and Fox, right?"

"What diabolical trickery allows us all to fit on this thing, anyway?" demanded ROB.

The four racers were in a twisted pile.

"Whose hand was that?" yelped Mr. Game and Watch. "Somebody just gamed my watch!"

"Somebody operated my robotic buddy!" gasped ROB.

"My captain got falconed!" whined Falcon.

"My snake is solid," smiled Snake, satisfied.

"You can't do that on television!" gasped a Waddle Dee.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

Ness and Lucas pulled up, and got out to see the first Warp Star take off.

"Thankfully, it looks like we're close to the lead teams!" cheered Ness. "I see the veterans and the gays!"

"Really?" asked Lucas.

"Well, duuuuh," scoffed Ness. "They're on each other in every scene! You'd have to be an idiot not to notice they're gay!"

"No, I meant, 'Really? Are you sure it's them?', you idiot," sighed Lucas. "Snake and Falcon's sexual orientation may be obvious, but you don't need to be rude about it."

"Whoa, wait, _Snake and Falcon_ are gay?" gasped Ness, shocked.

"Of course they are!" shouted Lucas, exasperated. "You don't notice their....um....quirks?"

"I was talking about ROB and Mr. Game and Watch!" spluttered Ness. "I thought Snake and Falcon were veterans! Ah, never mind, we'll be okay as long as we remember that we're Kirby and Ness."

"I'm Lucas," sighed Lucas.

"We're Ness and Pikachu, got it," nodded Ness.

_Luigi  
On Road Block_

"Done," said Luigi, slamming down his fork. "And not one single heart attack."

"But you got the clue!" cheered Jigglypuff, skipping over to the table to get it.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Currently in Last Place_

"Make your way to the Fountain of Dreams!" read Jigglypuff.

"Not sporadically dying really makes me regret doing that task in record time," Luigi sighed. "If I'm not careful, we could catch up to the other teams..."

_1__st__ Warp Star  
Top of Fountain of Dreams_

The star arrived, and the two teams scrambled off onto the Fountain.

"Come on, let's beat them to the cluebox!" shouted Snake, picking up Falcon.

"That's my bikini area!" sobbed Falcon.

Snake and Falcon sprinted past the veterans.

"Hustle up, private!" barked Mr. Game and Watch. "Take some cluebox action, man! Come on! Show them what you're made of!"

ROB got to the cluebox before Falcon and body-checked him, throwing an elbow in Falcon's way so that he couldn't get a clue.

Oh, and then he blew his head off with his shotgun.

"Bitch!" shouted Falcon's destroyed head. "That was a bitch move."

ROB sobbed something about organic lifeforms always giving robots a hard time, as Snake and Mr. Game and Watch shrugged and took a clue each.

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Snake ripped open the clue. "Detour: Dream-"

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"-or Cream," read Mr. Game and Watch.

"_A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons," explained Crazy Hand, floating around a glowing indentation in the Fountain. "In this Detour, teams must choose either Dream or Cream!"_

"_In Dream, teams will be lowered on pulleys down the side of the Fountain of Dreams, in order to collect one of nine fragments of a Star Rod hidden in this alcove! Once the team finds their fragment, they will return to the top and place it in the Fountain to receive their next clue! The task is nearby, but teams who can't find the alcove, won't find the alcove!" _

"_In Cream, teams must drive themselves to Ice Cream Island, another locale Kirby travelled to in his adventures! Once there, they must participate in a cold yet bold endeavour: ice cream wading! Once a team uncovers a clue in the unusually thick ice cream, they may...read the clue...? There's nothing hard about the task, but actually having a team do it will cause severe cuts in production salary!"_

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Let's Cream," decided Snake.

"You think that's the easier task?" asked Falcon.

"Task? Oh, that," said Snake. "Let's do the Dream detour."

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"We can't do Cream!" declared ROB. "If we cut the producers' salaries, they'll trace it back to us and have us assassinated!"

"Oh god, there's too much pressure to do Dream!" panicked Mr. Game and Watch. "Nowhere is safe!"

_Snake and Falcon  
On Dream_

"Here's the pulley system!" called Falcon, sprinting over to it.

"Let's strap in," said Snake.

"Excellent! Those dolls weren't the only thing I had!" cheered Falcon.

"Strap _in_," repeated Snake.

"I knew that," muttered Falcon softly.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
On Dream_

"What's all this water?" demanded Mr. Game and Watch, disgusted.

"The dreams of all of Dream Land!" cheered the Waddle Dee that was setting up their pulleys.

"Do your people dream of freedom from your dictator-esque ruler?" asked ROB.

"No, we have dreams like you normal people," replied the Waddle Dee.

"I dream about my life in the war," said ROB hollowly. "Every time I close my eyes, I see the trenches. Smell the blood. Feel the pain. Hear the gunfire. Taste the pre-battle milkshake."

"I had the most wonderfully malicious dream last night where I showed up at that Obammer feller's inauguration and taught all them state governors a lesson with my trusty shotgun," said Mr. Game and Watch conversationally.

"I-I dream about not knowing you," stammered the Waddle Dee. "Or at least, I'm going to tonight..."

_2__nd__ Warp Star  
Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Look, there's the other teams!" noticed Ness, as Snake and Falcon went down the pulley next to them. "They must be doing a Detour!"

"Makes us third, I think," guessed Lucas.

"No, we're first!" argued Ness, as ROB and Mr. Game and Watch went down alongside him.

"But you _just saw_ another team," said Lucas. "And they're ahead of us."

"But we're the winners of the race!" moaned Ness. "Why won't you listen to me?"

"Because you're an idiot!" shouted Lucas, getting off of the star. He ripped open the clue. "Detour!"

"Let's do the pulley thing that the teams ahead of us are doing!" decided Ness.

"Oh god, you're stupid," sighed Lucas.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"Hurrahs are in order-a!" grinned Mario. "There's the bottom of-a Fountain of Dreams ahead-a!"

"Good eye, young ward!" cheered Sonic. "That deserves a Batman-style reward!"

Sonic swept Mario up in his cape and kissed him passionately.

BAM! GAY! ROBIN!

"Wait, why am I-a the effeminate sidekick-a?" demanded Mario.

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

"Things are hectic right now," Peach told the camera. "We've got four or five teams chasing each other to the Fountain of Dreams! It's tense!"

Zelda cut herself.

"Quick, woman!" garbled Zelda, dazed. "I've been collecting my blood in little sacks! I want you to throw them at the other teams!"

"That seems highly disturbing," smiled Peach passively.

Zelda passed out not-so passively.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"It's too tense I can't take it somebody get us out of here aaaagh!" sobbed Meta Knight, occasionally checking to see if the cameras were on him.

"Get it together, man!" shouted Kirby, slapping him comically.

Kirby pressed a button on a little speaker that played canned laughter.

"Wow, that was some pretty intense physical comedy," smiled Meta Knight. "Now I'll do you."

"Okay, cool," agreed Kirby. He began crying.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"Just pace yourself now," advised Pikachu. "You've had a tough leg, sweetie."

Samus looked back from passionately making out with the sound operator. "Huh?"

"We're competing against a lot of guy-guy teams," said Pikachu. "And without a woman hampering their progress, they're going far on this race. We have to make stops for you because you're...you know, petite..."

"That's so chauvinistic!" argued Samus. "I'll have you know those breaks were so that I could drink, flirt with other guys, and take money out of your wallet!"

Samus struck Pikachu.

"You're right, I'm sorry, I love you," said Pikachu meekly.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Uh oh, we need directions," said Falco worriedly. "I can't see any of the teams ahead."

"Yo, we betta' pull over," decided King Dedede.

Falco nodded, and pulled up next to a Waddle Dee walking along.

"Excuse me, how do we get to the Fountain of Dreams?" asked Falco. "We're in a hurry to get there!"

"Go to college!" barked the Waddle Dee.

"Yo, that ain't nice," King Dedede frowned.

The Waddle Dee spat in their faces and gave them the finger. "Frickin' birds!"

Falco slowly turned back to the wheel and drove off, cursing heavily.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Arranged Marriage_

"I know we're last right now," Jigglypuff told the camera.

Luigi grunted and drove along, bored.

"But we're not going to give up," continued Jigglypuff.

Luigi rolled his eyes and continued driving.

"Because we think we might be able to catch up!" smiled Jigglypuff.

Luigi came to a complete stop.

"Whoops, I forgot how to drive," said Luigi in a false tone. "Oh, what a tragedy...yeah...I don't know if I can go on."

_Snake and Falcon  
On Dream_

"Falcon's down there getting me a Star Rod piece right now!" Snake grinned. "I'm so proud of him!"

Falcon emerged from the alcove and was pulled up on the pulley, face to face with Snake.

"Wow, your eyes are..." trailed off Falcon.

"Manly? I know!" laughed Snake in a false tone. "Come on, let's get the clue!"

Falcon climbed up and ran for the clue box, as Snake threw the star piece in the fountain.

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Make your way to Mt. Dedede..." read Falcon.

"_Teams must now make their way 15 miles to Mt. Dedede!" explained Crazy Hand. "This mountain, named after the de facto ruler of Dream Land, is the location of King Dedede's castle! The last team to check in here may be eliminated!"_

Snake patted Falcon's ass.

"That was frat boy encouragement," assured Snake. "Um, dude."

"Uh, okay," smiled Falcon nervously. "Let's hurry, the soldier boys are just coming!"

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
On Dream_

"I'm going to guard this Star Rod like I guarded all those POWs!" smiled Mr. Game and Watch.

"But we're supposed to dispose of it in that fountain, not play lookie-loo with the dreams of the Waddle Dee commies," observed ROB.

"Any ideas on how to get rid of it then?" asked Mr. Game and Watch. "It could be dangerous!"

ROB broke the star piece's neck and dumped the body in the fountain.

Mr. Game and Watch laughed merrily and ripped open the clue.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Make your way to Mt. Dedede," read Mr. Game and Watch. "Last team may be eliminated."

"Uh-oh," ROB uh-ohed. "We're too far ahead, the bottom feeder teams may start spiking our water."

"Can we even drink?" asked Mr. Game and Watch.

"Who cares, I'm just excited to win again," shrugged ROB.

"Yeehaw," Mr. Game and Watch concurred, adjusting his monocle.

_Ness and Lucas  
On Dream_

"Ness, how about you go down there and get the star," decided Lucas, on the pulley. "Then you can pass it up to me, and I can just slot it in the fountain, okay?"

"Okay!" cheered Ness. "I'm a pulley master!"

Ness tripped on a cable and shot down to the alcove head first.

"Lucas, stop this crazy thing!" demanded Ness.

"Dumbass..." sighed Lucas, cutting the cord.

Ness plummeted to his death, respawned at the alcove, and got the star piece.

"How did I do that?" asked Ness. "I'll try it again!"

Ness shot himself with a shotgun and appeared at the fountain, where he put the star piece in.

"Okay, I can't believe that either," shrugged Lucas, pulling himself back up and taking the clue.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Make your way to Mt. Dedede," read Lucas. "The last team to arrive may be eliminated!"

"Man, I've had it with this kicking people off thing!" Ness frowned. "I think it's just mean-spirited! They should have the studio audience vote on something like that!"

"What?!" asked Lucas. "There's no studio audience, idiot!"

"I think you should get eliminated next," Ness sulked.

"What are you talking about?" asked Lucas, confused. "I'm your teammate! If I'm out, you're out! Why do you want me eliminated?"

"You've been a jerk this whole leg!" pouted Ness.

"I wasn't being a jerk, dumbass," replied Lucas. "I was calling you out on your gratuitous amounts of stupidity today. There's a difference."

"Oh," replied Ness meekly. "See, I thought you were mad at me."

"I was," said Lucas angrily.

"Jerk!" pouted Ness, storming off to the car.

Lucas sighed.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

Mario and Sonic sprinted up to the clue box, getting off of their Warp Star.

"Detour!" read Sonic, pulling the clue out. "Dream or Cream?"

"I think Cream sounds-a more super," decided Mario. "Let's do that-a!"

"Quick! To our new super vehicle!" declared Sonic.

Mario and Sonic hopped in their DeLorean and drove off.

There was a bright flash.

Mario and Sonic sprinted up to the clue box, getting off of their Warp Star.

"Detour!" read Sonic, pulling the clue out. "Dream or Cream?"

"Let's-a do Dream, Cream sounds stupid-a," decided Mario.

"Oh yes!" agreed Sonic. "Nobody's going to do Cream! What a lame task! Stupid producers!"

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"Where are the Warp Stars?" asked Meta Knight falsely.

"Maybe if we jump really hard, we can make it to the top without riding the dumb star!" Kirby chuckled.

Kirby and Meta Knight did a theatrically overdone jump.

"Wow, we're zany!" laughed Meta Knight hysterically.

"Security!" cried a Waddle Dee, showing a security badge. "No loitering!"

"Looks like it's the supporting character, Jeff the policeman!" giggled Kirby.

The Waddle Dee took out his nightstick.

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

"Look, the puffballs are distracting the security guard!" noticed Zelda. "Go, go!"

"Go?" repeated Peach, confused.

"Throw the blood bags!" screeched Zelda, cutting herself deeper.

"That seems highly inappropriate, Miss Zelda!" reprimanded Peach.

Zelda stabbed Peach and filled ten bags.

"Now will you do it?" asked Zelda sweetly. "I'd do it, but my arms are too weak. I don't really know why, something about blood loss."

_Mario and Sonic  
On Dream_

"This is quick-a!" remarked Mario, flying down to the alcove. "Sonic, I got the-a star rod piece-a!"

"Throw it up!" Sonic called back.

Mario used his super strength to throw the piece through the roof of the alcove.

"Got it!" called Sonic from above. "Is the roof okay?"

"Yeah-a!" called Mario.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Make your way to Mt. Dedede!" read Sonic. "The last team to arrive may be eliminated! Let's go, Mario!"

The entire roof of the alcove in the Fountain of Dreams collapsed, killing Mario immediately.

...

"Sucks," remarked Sonic.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"I found the Warp Stars!" cheered Pikachu, getting on. "Not that you were much help!"

"I can fly!" cried Samus, jumping on the star.

"Okay missy, what are you on now?" asked Pikachu playfully.

"Painkillers!" smiled Samus, showing off her arm, which was covered in syringes.

"Forgive her, father," whispered Pikachu, taking out a NES controller. "She has lost her way."

Samus mysteriously overdosed and dropped dead on the star.

"I hope nobody else finds this thing," Pikachu sighed.

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

"I heard a dead body!" called Zelda, her ears pricking up like a dog. "Quick, come on, over this way!"

Zelda put her nose to the ground and followed the scent.

"Go get it, girl!" cheered Peach. "Follow that decay!"

Zelda sniffed her way onto the star, where Peach greeted a disgusted Pikachu.

"She's like...a dog..." said Pikachu, disgusted.

"Actually, right now she's a bitch!" laughed Peach. "Get it?"

Zelda snapped to attention, rammed her fist down Peach's throat, and ripped out her lungs.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"We're such bad boys!" Kirby grinned.

"Look at us being oppressed by the machine!" laughed Meta Knight.

The security guard gave a particularly hard blow to the back of Meta Knight's head. The latter fell over and began bleeding straight from the brain.

"Uh oh!" laughed Kirby. "Somebody had a little spill!"

The security guard readied some mace.

"Want to sponsor us?" asked Kirby, holding a clipboard to the guard.

The security guard charged his tazer.

"Uh...Meta Knight?" called Kirby softly, kicking Meta Knight's body. "I think it's time to go..."

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Hey, Zelda, way to sniff all over my dead body, you meanie!" called Samus.

"How did you come back?" asked Pikachu.

"I guess it just goes to show the benefits of huffing paint!" chuckled Samus.

"Oh, I see," nodded Pikachu. "Wait a minute, no I don't see. What?"

"Detour!" read Samus evasively. "Dream or Cream?"

"Let's do Dream, I don't like how offensive Cream sounds," decided Pikachu. "I think we should run a clean, non-offensive race."

Samus got up off of her knees and the cameraman pulled his pants up.

"Yeah, absolutely," nodded Samus.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Detour," read Peach. "Dream or Cream?"

Zelda immediately severed her own hand with an electric razor, and tossed it up in the air.

"If it lands forehand, it's Dream. Backhand, it's Cream," said Zelda without blinking.

"Oh my god!" cried Peach. "Stop, please! It's horrible!"

"Anything for a teammate," smiled Zelda creepily. She took out a canister of nitrogen with a hose attached, and fired at her hand in midair. It froze and clattered to the ground.

"It can be a souvenir," Zelda grinned, handing it to Peach.

Peach sobbed.

"I actually want to do Dream after all," shrugged Zelda. "That was just for fun, really."

_Samus and Pikachu  
On Dream_

"This pulley thing's pretty uncomfortable," Pikachu grimaced, squeezing his fat little yellow body in.

"Seeing you struggle..." sighed Samus wistfully, already geared up. "It's pretty hot..."

"Uh, thanks," nodded Pikachu. "That's really...supportive, I guess."

"Support?" repeated Samus. "I don't need that! I can quit drinking any time I want!"

_Peach and Zelda  
On Dream_

"Just lower down slowly!" called Peach.

Zelda jumped down to the alcove without any safety gear.

"Now get that star thingy!" continued Peach.

Zelda murdered several rocks and heisted the Star Rod fragment.

"You're doing great, Miss Zelda! Come back up!" smiled Peach.

Zelda began fashioning a rope out of her own skin while chanting an eerily demonic chant.

"She's being really calm at the moment, it's nice," said Peach softly.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Detour!" read Meta Knight.

"Let's just do the one everyone else is doing," decided Kirby.

"I don't know if I'll be able to get rid of my tazer injuries fast enough!" Meta Knight despaired. "I'm all paralyzed and everything!"

"Come on, we already walked over to the pulleys while we were talking!" argued Kirby.

"Hey," nodded Meta Knight to the other teams. "But I'm worried that I'll die in an overly theatrical way!"

"But I'm already at the bottom!" shouted Kirby, lowering himself down on the pulley.

"Well I can't go!" cried Meta Knight, cutting the strings on Kirby's pulley.

Kirby stopped being alive.

Meta Knight was cutting air.

"Fine, if it means so much to you," shrugged Meta Knight, flying down to the alcove in an entirely non-paralyzed manner.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

Falco and King Dedede drove over the border to the Fountain of Dreams.

"Yo, we be here!" grinned Dedede, stepping out of the car.

"Yes, and that's good, but look!" noticed Falco. "Three teams are still here, and there's no warp stars in sight! How can we possibly get up there?"

"We'd have to be ablizzle to fly or somefin'," noted Dedede.

"Well that's not a freaking option, is it?" shouted Falco irritably.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Arranged Marriage_

"Fountain of Dreams, next exit!" read Jigglypuff happily. "Oh boy, this is so exciting, huh Luigi?"

"Know who I hate?" asked Luigi indifferently. "Crazy Hand, I hate Crazy Hand. Pretty sure he recruited me for this. Yep, he definitely did. Hate the jerkoff."

"You can tell him how much you want to invite him over for a beer at the pit stop!" Jigglypuff grinned.

"No, see, I also hate you coming down to my level," replied Luigi. "Don't help me. Don't ever help me. I hate that, and it really helps with hating you, you unpleasant little wench."

"Talk dirty to me some more," simpered Jigglypuff.

"Um, leave me alone?" offered Luigi.

Jigglypuff took her hand off of the wheel and turned around to stroke Luigi's face.

"Hmm...Have her near me and die in a car accident...get her off me and live..." mused Luigi, weighing his options.

Jigglypuff swung the door open and dragged Luigi out.

"Look, Warp Stars are over there!" cheered Jigglypuff. "I think we get to drive them!"

"Damn, the birds are here too," Luigi sighed. "That means we might pass them..."

"Yo Weeg!" hollered Dedede excitedly.

"Don't ever give me a nickname, or I may just have to ram something sharp down both our necks," replied Luigi flatly.

"Guys, there are teams up there already," said Falco nervously. "Good luck."

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

Pikachu sprinted over to the fountain and threw his Star Rod fragment in.

"Make your way to the next pit stop, Mt. Dedede!" read Pikachu.

"Why do you read that thing aloud?" asked Samus, twirling her hair.

"So that the people at home know what we're doing, honey," said Pikachu evenly.

"People at home?" repeated Samus. "Oh, you mean your disapproving parents!"

"We've been over this," said Pikachu, running back down to the car. "They only disapprove of you because you drank all of their imported wine!"

"That wasn't wine!" pouted Samus. "It was overpriced grape blood! Stop killing grapes!"

"I'll just confiscate Mr. Beer Bong until we get to the pit stop," Pikachu frowned sternly.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Make your way to the next pit stop, Mt. Dedede!" read Peach.

"What's the point?" moaned Zelda. "My life's a wreck!"

"No, no, you're not Mr. Luigi!" said Peach soothingly.

"It's those damn split personalities!" fumed Zelda. "I keep fluctuating between themizzle, yo!"

"Don't worry, you can rest soon and they'll all be put behind you!" smiled Peach.

"I am the ultimate superhero who isn't gay, commie!" declared Zelda.

"Let's just hurry!" called Peach.

"Okay, Miss Peach!" simpered Zelda in an overly girly voice.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Mt. Dedede, the next pit stop, last one's out," read Kirby hurriedly, jumping in their car.

"Do you know where that is?" asked Meta Knight sarcastically. Canned sitcom laughter ensued.

"Yep!" smiled Kirby. "Do you know why the walls of our car are closing in on each other?"

A voice-over came on: "Looks like them Duke boys are in a whole heap of trouble."

"I think we might have to jump!" laughed Meta Knight.

Kirby jumped out of the car.

The walls returned to normal and Meta Knight put away his Acme (patent pending) Close-the-walls-in-like-Star-Wars-and-totally-freak-someone-out Kit.

Canned laughter and applause ensued at the wacky opposite couple hijinks.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"They're all down!" shouted Falco. "Hurry, Dedede!"

King Dedede sprinted over Luigi's foot and jumped on the Warp Star.

"How do me make this thing go without them?" asked Falco hurriedly.

"On Pranca', on Danca', on Donna', on Blitzen!" commanded King Dedede.

The Warp Star did not move.

"Doesn't seem to work," shrugged Falco.

"No, I heard you," replied the Warp Star's user interface. "I just don't run for birds. You can fly yourselves, no?"

"Yo, I has lottery tickizzles," bribed Dedede.

The Warp Star shot upwards.

"I don't even know how you did that," said Falco. "Your country is weird."

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Arranged Marriage_

"Excellent," smiled Luigi, watching the Warp Star go. "I don't know how this could get much better."

"Those damn birds!" cursed Jigglypuff. "I hate them! I want them out of this race!"

"That's a little uncalled for," chastised Luigi.

"No, it's not!" fumed Jigglypuff. "I'm tired of them and their feathers and their flying! They keep catching easy breaks in this race!"

"But they're in eighth place," pointed out Luigi.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"This leg is so close!" panicked Falcon, driving. "Snake, if we make one mistake right now, we could drop six or seven places!"

"Wow, the risk makes this kind of...arousing..." Snake mused erotically.

"Kind of what, sorry?" checked Falcon, picking his ear.

"Kind of roughhousing," said Snake quickly. "Yeah, roughhousing, because, uh...things could get violent at the pit stop. That's what I said."

Snake hastily pulled a blanket over his stomach, down to his knees as if to hide something.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Okay, preparations complete," said ROB. "I just engineered an ejector button. We can press this to give us any advantage we need in a footrace against the nancy boys."

"And I made sure these doors are locked with a secure codeword," said Mr. Game and Watch.

"What's the codeword?" interrogated ROB.

"Oh no, you ain't cracking me!" frowned Mr. Game and Watch. "That codeword is confidential information, rookie! Only my beloved diary and I are allowed to know this piece of data!"

"Is the codeword open?" asked ROB.

The doors swung open in the middle of the road.

"You damn flower-child Woodstock weed-smoking son of a commie..." muttered Mr. Game and Watch, embarrassed.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"I spy, with my little eye, something that begins with...." began Ness, looking out of the window.

"Focus on the road!" screamed Lucas, terrified.

"No..." trailed off Ness. "Something that begins with..."

"Is it Mt. Dedede?" asked Lucas desperately.

"No..." giggled Ness coyly.

"Please tell me it's the steering wheel!" shouted Lucas, vomiting into a little bag.

"Yes!" smiled Ness. "How did you know?"

"Because you're supposed to be freaking driving!" screamed Lucas. "Just end the game now before you get us killed, you irresponsible maniac!"

Ness turned around, screeching the car around a corner.

"You suck," said Ness flatly.

Ness turned back around, slamming Lucas against the car ceiling.

_Fountain of Dreams_

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Everything's getting so close right here," Falco told the camera.

"It be nerve-wracking, G," agreed King Dedede.

"I just hope we can outrun Luigi and Jigs if we have to," said Falco nervously.

"Here's y'all's lottery tickizzles," said Dedede quietly to the Warp Star.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Arranged Marriage_

The Warp Star swooped down and picked up Luigi and Jigglypuff.

"Dammit!" pouted Luigi.

"Look, up in the sky!" noticed Jigglypuff. "What is that?"

A pink blimp floated overhead with the word 'Hope' written across it in golden letters.

"That better not be a sign!" roared Luigi, shaking his fist angrily.

Confetti billowed out of the hope blimp, coating Luigi.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"Detour!" read Falco. "Dream or Cream!"

"Dream, yo," decided Dedede. "We saw all the otha' homies doin' it, must be easy."

"Let's get ready then," nodded Falco, walking over to the pulley system.

Dedede picked Falco up and strapped him in quickly.

"That's a good rapper penguin thing," smiled Falco, patting Dedede on the head.

"Don't patronise me, yo," frowned Dedede angrily.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Currently in Last Place_

Luigi and Jigglypuff ran to the clue box.

"Detour! Dream or Cream!" read Jigglypuff.

"I hope this pulley thing is dangerous!" smiled Luigi.

"It looks perfectly safe to me, silly!" Jigglypuff chuckled.

"Don't ever correct me!" screamed Luigi. "I hate being wrong! And I hate you! So that's double hatred!"

"I like double love too!" smiled Jigglypuff. "It's lovely!"

"Please, let her die..." groaned Luigi. "Uh, or me..."

_Falco and King Dedede  
On Dream_

"Here's the alcove," said Falco, lowering himself in. "You coming, Deeds?"

"L-look, yo," noticed Dedede, pointing at a sign.

The sign read 'you must be this human to enter', with a no entry sign plastered over a picture of Sesame Street's Big Bird.

"That is the most retarded thing I have ever seen," said Falco simply, picking up a fragment.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
On Dream_

Luigi put himself into the pulley system in the most dangerous way possible.

He failed to die.

"Luigi, let's never give up," smiled Jigglypuff over Luigi's curses. "We still have a chance here!"

Luigi tripped and landed face first on the system, sending himself landing flat on the alcove.

"We can be team number one!" cheered Jigglypuff.

A piece of the Star Rod was embedded into Luigi's skin in a thoroughly painless way.

"Plus, you're always going to be number one in my heart!" Jigglypuff simpered.

"I hate emotions, I hate being wrong, and I hate you," scowled Luigi. "Congratulations, you're on triple hatred now."

_Mt. Dedede_

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Making out heavily, Snake and Falcon fell out of the back seat of their car.

"What are you doing?" asked Snake gruffly.

"Sorry, sorry," winked Falcon coyly.

"Look, there's Crazy Hand!" noticed Snake. "He's up there vomiting into a paper bag for some reason!"

"Children are running away too!" smiled Falcon. "One of them is even frozen in shock at the sight of us! Has he never seen a homosexual before?"

"Huh?" asked Snake.

"I said, 'Has he never seen a heterosexual before?'" repeated Falcon. "Come on, let's go!"

Snake and Falcon sprinted up a small mountain trail, waded through some inconspicuous vomit, and landed on the mat in front of Crazy Hand.

"This is disgusting," choked Crazy Hand, wiping away some homophobia, I mean vomit, "Snake and Falcon, you are team number one!"

"Wonderful!" cheered Snake, hugging Falcon. "I can't believe we're in first place!"

"We're really getting into this little game of yours, Crazy Hand, dearie," simpered Falcon. "I think we'll go far!"

"Maybe even all the way!" chuckled Snake.

"Let's go all the way at the pit stop!" decided Falcon.

Snake and Falcon skipped off.

"Can I get a heater? Cause my bones are chilled," said Crazy Hand.

Crazy Hand chuckled.

"Anybody?" asked Crazy Hand, offering a high-five.

_Fountain of Dreams_

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 8__th__ Place_

Falco threw the fragment into the fountain frantically.

"Make your way to Mt. Dedede, the pit stop for this leg of the race!" read Falco. "The last team to check in may be eliminated!"

"Yo, I know where that be, dawg!" grinned King Dedede.

"Yes! I had a feeling you would!" beamed Falco. "Feets, don't fail me now!"

King Dedede strummed on a banjo as Falco shoved a wheat stalk in his mouth and ran to the car.

_Falco  
Post-Leg Interview_

"That was all editing," Falco frowned.

_Mt. Dedede__nd__ Place_

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 2

"Leaping liberals, this mountain is diabolical!" groaned ROB, using his hovering system to not climb at all.

"Let's just hurry!" cried Mr. Game and Watch. "I'd bet that those nancies have already stolen first by now! Those dadgum fairies and their ways..."

"It's like an election," explained ROB. "If we badmouth and sabotage to the other candidates for the million dollars, the candidates in the lead will be so flabbergasted that they'll make slideshows about global warming and lose to Bush in a shocking upset!"

Mr. Game and Watch stared at ROB.

"I mean, they'll mess up and we'll win the race," smiled ROB reassuringly.

ROB furiously scratched off his Bush-Cheney '04 bumper sticker, and ran onto the mat.

"Hey guys," chuckled Crazy Hand nervously. "Good to see you."

"Strange," said Mr. Game and Watch. "My years interrogating have taught me a lot about lying. If I didn't know better, I'd think Crazy Hand doesn't like-"

"I do like you guys!" protested Crazy Hand.

"-deep-sea fishing," Mr. Game and Watch finished.

"How could you?" asked ROB, shocked.

"ROB and Mr. Game and Watch, you're team number two!" awarded Crazy Hand, adamantly not listening.

"Ah, see?" ROB grinned proudly. "Two, like two thousand and four. As in the election plan we just had! It's all coming together!"

"I heard that rant," said Crazy Hand. "And if there's one thing that scares me more than deep-sea fishing, it's political conspiracies."

_Fountain of Dreams_

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Currently in Last Place_

Luigi excitedly threw his Star Rod fragment straight up into the air, hoping to catch it on his throat.

There was a gust of wind.

The fragment landed in the fountain.

"Dammit!" screamed Luigi.

"That's divine intervention!" beamed Jigglypuff. "The gods want to keep you alive!"

"No I don't," whispered Miyamoto.

"I hate religion," said Luigi flatly. "Quadruple hate. Congratulations on making it that far."

"Do you want to read the next clue?" asked Jigglypuff sweetly, handing it to Luigi.

"Make your way to the pit stop," read Luigi. "This sucks."

"It doesn't suck!" smiled Jigglypuff. "I'm taking you to see a therapist after this race, honey!"

"Quintuple hate," said Luigi. "Ew, shrinks..."

"I wonder if any of the teams will run into any bad luck along the way to the pit stop?" wondered Jigglypuff aloud.

"Us, hopefully," Luigi scowled.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"We just need to focus on driving," said Falco evenly.

"Yo, we betta' hurry," said Dedede.

"Word," agreed Falco.

"What?" asked King Dedede.

A middle-aged Waddle Dee sprinted up to the car, and broke the window.

"Shoe-shine!" shouted the Waddle Dee. "You must be the travelling shoe shining business I ordered! Shine my shoes! Now!"

"What?" asked Falco and King Dedede together.

"You're birds! All birds can do is shine shoes!" argued the Waddle Dee.

Falco sighed heavily, and got out his sponge.

_Mt. Dedede_

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Ness, can I ask you something?" asked Lucas, as they climbed up the mountain.

"Sure, shoot," replied Ness.

"You ever noticed how I've been dead at every pit stop so far?" asked Lucas. "I mean, what's it like to be alive when you find out you're still in the race?"

"It's overrated!" pouted Ness. "We haven't been first or last yet! We're useless! And it's your fault!"

Lucas dusted himself off after reaching the top.

"My fault? How is it my fault?" demanded Lucas. "You've been immature and unreasonable the entire leg!"

"But it makes me funny!" laughed Ness.

"No, it makes you a douche!" argued Lucas. Ness opened his mouth, but Lucas cut him off. "It doesn't make you cute, either!"

"Lucas, I think you're jealous," Ness sighed, shaking his head. "But not everybody can be as fantastic as me!"

"You're right, everybody just beats you instead of tying with you in that department," said Lucas dryly.

Ness broke Lucas' neck and stepped on the mat.

"Ness and Lucas, you're team number three!" awarded Crazy Hand.

"It's because I rock," smiled Ness. "First place won't be far away!"

"But you will be, after this restraining order passes!" laughed Crazy Hand, holding up a court order.

Ness and Crazy Hand shared a merry chuckle.

Lucas was dead.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Arranged Marriage_

"Look!" noticed Jigglypuff. "Falco and King Dedede pulled over to shine that guy's shoes!"

"Run them over," yawned Luigi, bored. "Maybe we'll be disqualified."

"Ooh, somebody's anti-social!" cooed Jigglypuff. "I think we need to have a long talk about our relationship!"

"Sextuple hate," pointed out Luigi. "You insinuated that we're in a relationship."

Luigi flipped open a notebook and added a tally mark.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Dag, yo, these shoes is dirty!" complained King Dedede.

"Yeah, tell me about it! Hey, Waddle Dee, what did you step in?" asked Falco, on his fifth rag.

"Nothing, these are just my gym shoes," shrugged the Waddle Dee, drinking some energy drinks.

"Wait a minute...Deeds, do Waddle Dees wear shoes?" asked Falco suspiciously.

King Dedede's eyes widened. "Uh, no, dawg."

"So this guy pulled us over to make us semi-bathe him?" demanded Falco. "Oh, I've dishonoured my bird tribe!"

Falco pulled out an old talon of some kind and committed seppuku with it.

"Is he going to be alright?" asked the Waddle Dee.

"Yo, Waddizzle Deizzle, y'all is banished," said Dedede furiously, getting back in the car.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Mario and Sonic, you're team number four," said Crazy Hand.

"Huzzahs are in order!" ordered Mario.

Sonic used his laser eyes to engrave a '4' into the back of Mario's skull.

"Now we have a super memento!" Sonic grinned.

"'524' must be a secret code of some kind!" declared Mario. "Come, young ward! Let us attempt to rob the banks to assist our Super Friend!"

"Of course!" smiled Sonic. "Falling Economy Man needs our help, or else The Obama Kid will champion the day!"

"Uh, yeah, go get 'em," replied Crazy Hand unenthusiastically, remotely detonating Mario and Sonic's hotel room.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

Zelda violently drove her car into the side of the mountain, crushing both teams in front of her.

"I'm not entirely sure you needed to do that," said Peach quietly, jumping out of the car.

"Shut up, it worked!" commanded Zelda. She foamed at the mouth and bit Peach.

"Oh dear, I need a shot now!" frowned Peach.

Zelda excitedly pulled out her shotgun and shot Peach.

"Get it? Shot?" cackled Zelda maniacally.

"Hey, there's the mat!" cheered Peach, wrapping her shotgun wound in a lovely pink bow. "It's up at the top of this mountain!"

"Let us hike," decided Zelda, pulling out her hiking gear.

"There's a marked path, Miss Zelda," pointed out Peach.

Zelda was wearing cleats and carrying a grappling hook.

"O-okay, we'll hike!" smiled Peach.

Peach grabbed onto Zelda's foot, as the latter eerily floated up the side of the mountain, standing perfectly still.

"I don't know how you did that!" laughed Peach. "But why did you need all that heavy gear?"

"All work and no play," laughed Zelda, juggling three grappling hooks.

Peach uncertainly backed away, onto the mat.

Zelda appeared next to her, making faint screeching sounds.

"Peach and Zelda, you're team number five!" said Crazy Hand.

"Why, that's right in the middle!" Zelda grinned, stabbing Peach in the middle.

"Although girls, I should tell you that you could've just walked up this marked path," admitted Crazy Hand.

"I tried to tell her!" defended Peach.

Zelda did a head-turn so slow and creepy that if this was visual-based entertainment the race would have been cancelled.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"Ow..." groaned Meta Knight, under Peach and Zelda's car.

"Hooray!" cheered Kirby. "You're still alive too! Samus and Pikachu are going to be so pleased! We all got hit by the car! We can be roadkill buddies!"

"Great, now move," said Meta Knight. "I'm going to get this car off of us!"

"I'm not letting you do that!" argued Kirby, spreading his arms. "The rest of us are making a show out of this! Roadkill Buddies! It's a hilarious sitcom chronicling the life and times of myself, Samus, Pikachu, and you!"

"Really?" asked Meta Knight. "Can't we do that after this show? Y'know, the race? Come on, let's get out and check in before Samus and Pikachu! That way nobody gets hurt, except of course Samus and Pikachu, who are probably a little offended that we're not letting them speak!"

"After the theme song!" beamed Kirby, breaking into song. "We used to be over the car, now we're under the car..."

Meta Knight dragged Kirby out with him and ran.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"Oh, how unfortunate!" lamented Pikachu, wriggling around. "They're small enough to get out, but we can't!"

"So now we're alone together under this car..." noticed Samus. "That's...hot..."

"I know what you're thinking, and it's grossly impure of you!" reprimanded Pikachu.

"Oh come on!" pouted Samus. "I could be your _wild_ altar boy..."

"_Girls_ can't be altar _boys_," said Pikachu slowly, exasperated.

"Sexist pig!" fumed Samus, angrily throwing the car away and storming off.

"Samus! Wait!" called Pikachu, running after her. "I'm sorry! Please forgive me! And please tell me how you did that!"

"Male chauvinists!" pouted Samus, storming past Kirby and Meta Knight.

"Look! It's one of them lady types!" noticed Kirby.

"That's the same one as two minutes ago when you were making a sitcom!" laughed Meta Knight.

Kirby murdered Samus with a very large hammer.

"Dude!" gasped Meta Knight, shocked. "What was that for?"

"Don't you hurt her!" yelled Pikachu, electrocuting Kirby.

"You're right, I forgot to deliver one of my one-liners!" chuckled Kirby. "Like this one: hasta la Pika, baby!"

Kirby kicked Pikachu in the face, laughing merrily.

"That was awful!" retorted Pikachu, clutching a bloody nose.

"Don't mock our comedy stylings!" raged Meta Knight.

"You two are not funny!" argued Pikachu, electrocuting Meta Knight. "Honest to Wright, you are two of the most annoying individuals I have ever met!"

Meta Knight brought out his rubber chicken prop and forced it down Pikachu's throat.

"Never talk to professionals like that!" bellowed Meta Knight.

"I'm alive again!" cheered Samus. "Just in time to say that seeing Pikachu gag on plastic meat...is kind of hot..."

Pikachu made a very angry choking sound.

Kirby stepped on the mat, pointing and laughing at the dying Pikachu. Meta Knight followed, snapping his comedy hook into several pieces and throwing them at Samus.

"Kirby and Meta Knight, you're team number six!" said Crazy Hand. "Samus and Pikachu, you're team number seven!"

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Next left, homie," said King Dedede, as Falco turned.

"Whatever happens, happens," decided Falco. "We have no regrets about the race so far."

"Yo, even afta' all the prejudice?" asked Dedede, shocked.

"In a way the prejudice made it all the more fun," shrugged Falco. "In our short time racing we've shown a lot of people that our race encounters everyday obstacles that we can easily bounce back from!"

"A'ight, but dawg, we was put in last because some 'g poisizzled y'all's food," pointed out King Dedede.

"It was not the bird on the outside young Knuckle Joe was tormenting that day," sniffed Falco proudly. "It was the end result of a lifetime of ridicule he was tormenting. That's what the public see in us, buddy! Our lives are destined to be terrible! But embracing it makes it seem all the more tolerable!"

King Dedede nodded, pecking at some birdseed. Falco noticed him.

"God, you're such a stereotype," muttered Falco angrily.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Arranged Marriage_

"I can't believe it's down to us and the birds," pouted Jigglypuff. "I can't stand them! Falco's bad, but Dedede's worse! I hate his stupid voice!"

"Yeah, I just hate it when he gangsters up all his words," agreed Luigi.

"Are we bonding over hatred?" asked Jigglypuff coyly.

"Oh my god, a catch 22 with _you_ involved," gasped Luigi. "This is the end. There is no other experience comparable to this. I am no longer tied to this world."

"You're so poetic, sweetie..." sighed Jigglypuff wistfully.

Luigi was staring into space.

"Honey?" asked Jigglypuff.

Luigi was staring into space.

"You're driving!" panicked Jigglypuff.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"There's the mat!" noticed Dedede. "Er....dawg!"

"There's a car driving lazily past the mountain!" noticed Falco. "I hope it's Luigi and Jigs!"

Falco ran onto the mat, followed by Dedede.

"Falco and King Dedede, you're the last team to arrive," said Crazy Hand.

"What?" asked Falco.

"What?" asked King Dedede.

"What you say?" asked Captain.

"Psyche!" laughed Crazy Hand. "You're team number eight!"

"Yo, we bad, dawg," sighed King Dedede. "Not the good kindizzle of bad 'dat feat'yahs prominently in mah rap."

"Yeah, that's whatever you just said in a nutshell," Falco sighed.

_Luigi and Jigglypuff  
Currently in Last Place_

Jigglypuff dragged a motionless Luigi to the mat with her.

"Luigi..." began Crazy Hand.

Jigglypuff nudged Luigi.

"...and..."

Jigglypuff slapped Luigi.

"...Jigglypuff..."

Jigglypuff poured water on Luigi.

"...you are the last team to arrive," said Crazy Hand. "I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the race."

Jigglypuff was grief-stricken. Luigi still wasn't moving.

"No. No, that's not true. That's impossible," said Jigglypuff in a low voice.

"Denial won't help," said Crazy Hand.

Luigi snapped out of his inner adventure.

"Uh oh, a pit stop mat...are we still in the race?" asked Luigi sulkily.

"Well actually-" began Crazy Hand, but Jigglypuff butted in.

"Yes! Yes we are, honey!" smiled Jigglypuff, her eye twitching. "Come on, let's go touring around the world together! Forever! And ever! And ever!"

Luigi tried desperately to have a heart attack.

"I was so sure we'd be eliminated this time!" screamed Luigi, outraged.

"Alone, forever together!" chanted Jigglypuff, dragging Luigi away.

"They took that well," said Crazy Hand sheepishly, turning off the camera.

* * *

Arrival Times:

Snake and Falcon: 3:10pm

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch: 3:21pm

Ness and Lucas: 3:34pm

Mario and Sonic: 3:52pm

Peach and Zelda: 4:04pm

Kirby and Meta Knight: 4:12pm

Samus and Pikachu: 4:13pm

Falco and King Dedede: 4:24pm

Luigi and Jigglypuff: 4:27pm – **ELIMINATED...?**

* * *

Kindly review, read several times, and vote for your favourites in the profile poll, if you want!


	4. I'll Block The Crap Out Of This Road!

"Previously on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" boomed Crazy Hand. "Nine teams set out from Tazmily Village and travelled to Dream Land's Orange Ocean!"

"As soon as the leg began, Mario and Sonic tried to help war veterans ROB and Mr. Game and Watch!"

"_Helping other teams like this? It's just one of the many super things we do to make the other teams love us so much!" Sonic grinned._

_A tractor 'unexpectedly' barrelled towards them._

"However, ROB and Mr. Game and Watch mistook the heroes' actions for an attack!"

"_Avast, ye demons!" Mr. Game and Watch cried. He ran over Mario and Sonic._

"_I thought we were more current than that," frowned ROB._

"_Avast, ye commies!" Mr. Game and Watch cried. He backed up over Mario and Sonic._

"The bad feelings between the teams continued, after Sonic found himself with Mr. Game and Watch's shotgun!"

"_Long enough!" chirped Mr. Game and Watch accusingly. "You stole my shotgun!"_

_Mario and Sonic blinked at each other._

"_Does he mean the Super Gun of Shots?" asked Sonic, holding a shotgun._

"Mario and Sonic continued to antagonize other teams, including Falco and King Dedede!"

"_Nobody will get rid of us!" declared Sonic. "We are the best team of any race ever! We are the Alpha and the Omega! You ask us if we have god complexes?! We are gods!"_

"_Trippin'!" yelled Dedede. "Y'all be trippin'!"_

"_You're so going to be U-Turned, heroes!" shouted Falco. "I hate you! We all hate you!"_

"However, married couple Luigi and Jigglypuff made a blunder at the airport!"

"_My flight's full! We can't go on separate flights!" panicked Jigglypuff._

"_Wow. This is a sad day," said Luigi, deadpan._

"And even though they stayed optimistic at the Road Block..."

"_Hey, maybe I'll get a heart attack and die!" Luigi chuckled._

"...and the Detour..."

"_Please, let her die..." groaned Luigi. "Uh, or me..."_

"...they couldn't climb out of last place!"

"_Yes! Yes we are, honey!" smiled Jigglypuff, her eye twitching. "Come on, let's go touring around the world together! Forever! And ever! And ever!"_

_Luigi tried desperately to have a heart attack._

"Eight teams remain, who will be eliminated next?"

* * *

The Teams!

Peach/Zelda (Greater than symbol, Eight, Capital D)

Ness/Lucas (Greater than symbol, Colon, Capital C)

Snake/Falcon (Lower than symbol, Three)

Falco/King Dedede (Greater than symbol, Underscore, Greater than symbol)

Samus/Pikachu (Semi-colon, Capital P)

Mario/Sonic (Lowercase O, Underscore, Capital O)

ROB/Mr. Game and Watch (Colon, Capital O)

Kirby/Meta Knight (Capital X, Capital D)

* * *

Quick, random clips of Dream Land played.

"This is Dream Land!" said Crazy Hand, floating around. "A country found in Pop Star, home to Kirby and his friends! And in the heart of Dream Land is Mt. Dedede, home of the monarch King Dedede! This monumental mountain was the third pit stop in a race around the world!"

Quick, random clips of teams arriving at the mat played.

"Teams arrived here at the end of the last leg for a mandatory rest period! The eight teams waiting here have no idea what's in store for them!" continued Crazy Hand.

_Samus kissed Pikachu._

_Snake leant in towards Falcon, and then backed away._

_Ness punched Lucas in the face._

"Can frontrunners Snake and Falcon, and ROB and Mr. Game and Watch, stay ahead of the pack?" asked Crazy Hand. "And after a rough leg, can Falco and King Dedede climb out of last place?"

"Snake and Falcon, who were the first to arrive at 3:10pm, will depart at 3:10am!"

_Snake and Falcon  
1__st__ to Depart, 3:10am_

"Oh, I'm so excited!" giggled Falcon, ripping the clue open. "We're doing so well!"

"Now I'm excited too," said Snake, uncomfortably looking down.

"You've got women on the brain again!" smiled Falcon. "Make your way to Green Greens..."

"Yeah, women..." muttered Snake.

"_Teams must now drive to Green Greens, and find the Whispy Woods! It is here where teams will find their next clue!" explained Crazy Hand._

Snake and Falcon got in their car and drove off.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
2__nd__ to Depart, 3:21am_

"Make your way to Green Greens," read ROB.

"That other soldier fellow Snake, he and his man-buddy are right ahead of us, ain't they?" asked Mr. Game and Watch.

"Yeah, that kid's a natural under fire," said ROB wistfully. "He's like the protégée I once had. He died on a dangerous assignment."

"No I didn't!" said Mr. Game and Watch. "That was me, I made it back okay!"

"I knew the laundromat was no match for you!" sniffed ROB proudly.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"We drove out to this road, where we're going to wait for the army boys," Snake told the camera. "We're the strongest two teams, it seems, so if we work together we can get really far ahead!"

"Check it out, Snake!" smiled Falcon. "I tattooed a bullseye on my back as a joke for the army guys!"

Falcon took off his shirt, showed his bullseye and waved his back around in the middle of the road.

Falcon was peppered with machine gun bullets and was killed instantly.

"Booya, fifty points," smiled Mr. Game and Watch, writing down his high score as ROB drove their car over Falcon's body.

"Let's go," said ROB. "Snake, where's your other guy? I always liked him better."

"Aw man, but Falcon's gay!" pouted Snake.

"There's no need for name calling, commie," reprimanded ROB. "So what's Falcon up to these days?"

"You gunned him down," replied Snake. "He jumped out onto the road to scare you."

Mr. Game and Watch fired at the body under his car.

"The rascal," chuckled ROB, subconsciously firing at the body too.

"So, are we all set to be super alliance buddies to find Green Greens?" asked Snake.

A Waddle Dee passed by. "Nobody's allowed to leave Mt. Dedede's perimeter until 10am," he ordered. "We got a memo from the King."

"Sounds like an oppressive government leader!" fumed Mr. Game and Watch.

Mr. Game and Watch considered this.

"I think I like this King guy!" he smiled. "Who is he?"

"It's Dedede, sillybuns!" laughed Snake.

Mr. Game and Watch started cursing unintelligibly.

"That slimy dictator scammed us out of our entire lead?" raged ROB.

"Yeah, that's totally not fair!" pouted Snake.

"What are we supposed to do in this hellhole of a kingdom for seven hours?" demanded Mr. Game and Watch.

"Look!" squealed Snake girlishly. "One of those Mt. Dedede spas I've heard so much about!"

Snake pointed at the sign, featuring a Photoshopped picture of Dedede's head on a muscular bodybuilder's body.

"I think that's a fake," said ROB, interrogating the sign.

"Whatever, it's still a great picture," scoffed Snake, "I mean, look at him!"

Snake stared at the sign's picture, fascinated.

"I don't get it," whispered ROB.

"Me neither," Mr. Game and Watch whispered. "Maybe it's a diabolical scheme to sabotage us!"

Mr. Game and Watch took out a grenade and threw it at the sign. It bounced off, exploding in the air in front of the racers.

"It's retaliating!" screamed Mr. Game and Watch. "Nowhere is safe!"

"The spa is!" clapped Snake effeminately, skipping into the spa.

"Maybe if we mimic it, it won't turn hostile," shrugged ROB.

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch skipped into the spa, arms locked.

_Ness and Lucas  
3__rd__ to Depart, 3:34am_

"Make your way to Green Greens," read Lucas, ripping open the clue.

"Where's your appreciation for the local culture?" asked Ness, wearing a Dream Land T-shirt proudly. "We're in Dream Land, so we should speak their language!"

Lucas gritted his teeth and slowly turned to Ness.

"Ness, we're only going to be here for a few more hours, then we'll fly somewhere else," said Lucas. "I don't think we should bother with the native tongue. Secondly, why aren't _you_ speaking the language?"

Ness shuffled his feet apologetically.

"Wait a minute, everyone we've ran into in this place speaks English!" realised Lucas. "Nice going, jerk! You can't even recognise your own language!"

"Hey, you're the one who wouldn't speak the native tongue," scoffed Ness.

"I'm totally going to sigh again," said Lucas. "Wait for it."

Lucas sighed.

"So I think I should make all our team decisions this leg," added Ness offhandedly.

Lucas sighed again.

"And don't get in my way! You'll wreck everything and we'll come last," added Ness.

Lucas recorded himself sighing for future use.

_Mario and Sonic  
4__th__ to Depart, 3:52am_

RIP!

"Make-a your way to Green Greens!" read Mario.

"Why, whatever is this new piece of headwear, my super pal?" asked Sonic, pointing at Mario's new hat.

"I had an encounter with Detergent Man at the pit stop-a," said Mario bitterly, patting his overly puffy hat.

"Looks like he really had his way with you," nodded Sonic sympathetically, pointing at Mario's overalls.

"What-a do you mean?" asked Mario. He looked at his now tie-dyed pink overalls and shook his fist. "Damn-a you, Detergent Man! I will have my revenge-a!"

A surly looking Waddle Dee coming out of Dedede's castle with a laundry hamper glanced at Mario.

"Be on guard, my-a friend," warned Mario. "He's-a cooking something up!"

"Are you sure?" asked Sonic. "He seems harmless to me."

"No-a, I mean he's cooking something up-a. He does all the housework-a in the castle," said Mario.

WORDPLAY!

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Look, there's Mario and Sonic!" noticed Ness.

"Did we spend twenty minutes standing here doing nothing?" asked Lucas, checking the teams' departure times.

"Evening, Commissioner," greeted Sonic, tipping Mario's hat.

"I'm not your commissioner!" fumed Lucas irritably.

"Sure thing-a chief," nodded Mario. "Do you need assistance finding-a Green Greens?"

"Can't leave until 10am," said the same Waddle Dee who told Snake, Falcon, ROB and Mr. Game and Watch.

"Just try and stop me!" declared Sonic, fastening his cape.

Sonic flew over the barbed wire fence, defying authority.

"No, air what really happened," Crazy Hand told the editors.

Sonic jumped on the barbed wire fence and was taken down with the aid of guard dogs and sniper fire.

"So what do you want to do now?" asked Lucas.

Everyone looked puzzled.

_Mt. Dedede Spa_

"This was a good idea," sighed Lucas, relaxing in the steam room with the others.

"Hey-a, Snake, you dropped a penny," said Mario.

Snake went to grab at the floor, but quickly sat up, blushing.

"Ha, you tree-hugger!" chuckled ROB. "You nearly made him drop his towel!"

The top four teams all clinked martini glasses together and laughed.

Falcon threw his wallet on the floor in front of Snake.

_Peach and Zelda  
5__th__ to Depart, 4:04am_

Zelda ravaged the clue envelope, or clunvelope, if you will. It won't catch on.

"The clunvelope says to go to Green Greens," read Zelda.

"Good girl, reading the clue!" smiled Peach patronisingly.

"Clunvelope!" screeched Zelda, throwing a tantrum.

"Ssh, ssh, okay," soothed Peach, stroking Zelda's hair. "If you're cranky, do you want to do another sacrifice? That always cheers you up."

"Yaaay!" clapped Zelda, bouncing up and down.

Peach pulled out a spare backpack, and pulled out a happy, healthy young bunny rabbit.

Zelda did horrible things to it.

"I think I'm becoming like a mother figure for young Miss Zelda," Peach told the camera. "She's not that bad, really, after you're used to her eccentricities."

Zelda ripped off Peach's arm and threw it in their car. "Drive!" she barked.

"Yes sir," mumbled Peach meekly, driving to the Mt. Dedede gates.

"Whoa, hold on ladies," said a Waddle Dee. "Nobody gets out until 10am, by order of King Dedede."

"But he's not even really the King!" pouted Zelda indignantly.

"He paid us handsomely," smiled the Waddle Dee.

"Well, we must uphold the law," nodded Peach in agreement. "Come on, let's find somewhere to wait!"

Zelda snapped the Waddle Dee's arm.

"Pay that handsomely!" screeched Zelda.

"Actually, I will. I have fantastic health insurance," explained the Waddle Dee.

Zelda got out of the car, sharpened Peach's head to a fine point, stabbed the Waddle Dee to death, threw the Peach-spear in the trunk, and drove straight through Mt. Dedede's gate.

"Some people are unpleasant smartasses," scoffed Zelda, reversing to run over the Waddle Dee's body.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
6__th__ to Depart, 4:12am_

Meta Knight opened the clue. "Make your way to Green Greens!"

"Hey Meta, I'm thinking of adding a new angle to our routine," suggested Kirby, walking over to the car. "How about I do an internal monologue?"

"But people do that in real life anyway," replied Meta Knight. "It's called thinking."

"But you can hear mine!" smiled Kirby, shoving a microphone in his ear.

"That won't work," replied Meta Knight.

Kirby frowned.

"Of course, I knew that Meta Knight wouldn't like my idea," said Kirby's voice from the microphone. "He never wants to do what I want for our comedy routine. I'll show him! This monologue idea is perfect!"

"Hey, it did work," said Meta Knight. "I guess you're right!"

"No hard feelings!" smiled Kirby.

"EEEEYEAH!" said Kirby's voice through the microphone.

Kirby was so happy he didn't notice that he had driven the car into the back of Peach and Zelda's car.

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

"I can't believe the other teams aren't trying to break through the gate too!" Zelda smiled, driving through armed checkpoints.

Kirby and Meta Knight's car crashed into the back of Peach and Zelda's, killing Peach.

"Ladies, I am so sorry!" panicked Meta Knight, running out of his car. "We got distracted by Kirby's awesome monologue idea!"

Kirby walked up to everyone, posing with his microphone.

"It's jammed right in his ear!" squealed Zelda happily.

"Peach is dead," noticed Kirby.

"Now there's nobody to stop Zelda from going completely aggro," lamented Kirby's microphone thoughts.

Zelda took out a bullhorn and screamed into Kirby's microphone.

Kirby's brain exploded.

"I knew there had to be a problem with that idea..." mused Meta Knight.

"Where are the lead teams?" demanded Zelda. "Tell me what you know!"

"You mean they're not the ones who set up these armed checkpoints?" asked Meta Knight.

"Don't play dumb with me!" screeched Zelda, murdering Meta Knight.

Zelda shrugged and killed herself too for funsies.

Then they all came back to life and continued driving to Green Greens.

_Mt. Dedede Spa_

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

The lead four teams were all asleep in exfoliating mud baths.

Lucas woke up to the sound of armed checkpoints and funsie-killing.

"Ness, come on," whispered Lucas. "We woke up first, let's quietly leave. I think some of the other teams got past the gates! We can leave early!"

Ness gleefully jumped out of his mud bath.

"Alright!" cheered Ness loudly. "We can be in first place!"

"Shut up, jackass!" whispered Lucas. "Do you want everyone to hear you?"

Lucas tiptoed away quietly.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Footsteps!" bellowed ROB, waking up and pulling out a machine gun. "Tiptoeing footsteps! Down on the ground, dirtbag!"

Mr. Game and Watch leapt to his feet and tossed a grenade at Lucas.

Every machine gun bullet missed Ness and Lucas, and the grenade was a dud.

"Oh, you startled me," said ROB. "Are we leaving now?"

"How are they still asleep?" hissed Lucas in a whisper, pointing at Snake, Falcon, Mario and Sonic.

"Horse puckey!" cursed Mr. Game and Watch. "My cunning plan to awaken them and then murder them by shooting and killing you failed."

"What?" Ness timidly asked.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"Actually, we're awake," said Falcon. "But these baths are really relaxing!"

"Well, we should all go before the heroes wake up," said Snake, getting up out of the mud bath. "Come on Falcon, let's go."

Snake and Falcon picked up their backpacks and walked out of the front door.

Ness, Lucas, ROB and Mr. Game and Watch all stared blankly at the door.

A few minutes later, Snake and Falcon sheepishly returned to swap their towels for clothes.

"That's where our advantage comes in, commies," grinned ROB, indicating the nudity of his team.

Ness kicked Sonic until the latter woke up.

"Ness, what are you doing?" shouted Lucas.

"It's not fair to leave them behind!" smiled Ness. "I'm being a good sport!"

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"We're the last to arise?" asked Sonic dramatically. "Mario, wake up so that we may ascend to victory, super friend!"

Sonic took ROB's machine gun.

"I need that to enforce my political learnings!" objected ROB indignantly.

"Wake up, Mario!" screamed Sonic, shooting Mario several times.

"Superheroes are impervious to bullets-a!" smiled Mario proudly, leaping to his feet.

Mario developed lead poisoning.

DEATH!

Sonic took a shot of tequila.

ACCEPTANCE!

"Okay, let's go," said Sonic, dragging Mario's carcass.

_Green Greens_

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"Looks like the girls are the only other team here," noticed Kirby, looking around.

Meta Knight paid one of Dedede's security guards to let him past.

"I wonder where the other teams all went off to?" wondered Meta Knight. "And I wonder why there are still security guards here..."

Kirby ran up and set Meta Knight on fire.

"Ow! Dude, the hell?" demanded Meta Knight.

"Fire always gives things a humorous edge," shrugged Kirby.

Meta Knight's mask melted, revealing singed, peeling flesh.

"Ew, that's what you look like?" asked Kirby.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Anything could have happened to the others," said Peach anxiously.

"Maybe they all went to the spa," pointed Zelda, looking at the spa sign conveniently lying in the middle of the trees.

"That seems a little unlikely!" laughed Peach. "We're in a race!"

Peach giggled.

Zelda giggled.

Zelda gored Peach with Meta Knight's sword.

Peach died.

"Don't undermine me!" screeched Zelda. "Go get the clue!"

Peach was too dead to reach the cluebox.

"Fine, I'll do it!" pouted Zelda, opening the clue. "Fly to Castle Town, Hyrule..."

"_Teams must now fly to Castle Town, Hyrule!" said Crazy Hand. "Once there, teams will find their next clue in front of the airport!"_

"Oh wow, Hyrule!" giggled Peach, alive again.

"Why, I'm fairly certain I rule things down there!" cheered Zelda. "It'll be a totalitarian dictatorship by the time we get to the Detour, I'm telling you."

Zelda did a happy dance. Peach laughed uncertainly.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Fly to Castle Town, Hyrule!" read Kirby.

"Get our passports ready buddy, we're flying again!" grinned Meta Knight.

"Yeah, I've still got them," Kirby lied. "I definitely didn't lose them in hammerspace or anything."

Meta Knight looked around frantically, and then frowned.

"Kirby, our passports are taped to your back," noticed Meta Knight.

"Fooled you!" smiled Kirby. "They're actually taped to my back!"

Kirby ripped off the passports gleefully.

Canned laughter ensued.

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

Peach and Zelda ran into their car and headed for the airport.

"Where's the airport?" asked Zelda sweetly.

"Ssh, ssh, I'm concentrating on the road," replied Peach.

"Where's the airport?" demanded Zelda threateningly.

"Miss Zelda, please!" said Peach. "I know where it is, calm down!"

Zelda took a bite out of Peach's back, chewing happily.

Peach died.

"Oh, wait, she said she knew where it was..." Zelda told herself between bites.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"Well, we're in second place and we're feeling good!" smiled Kirby, clapping a hand on Meta Knight's not-a-shoulder.

"Way to choke up on first place," Meta Knight frowned.

"Let's not worry about that," said Kirby. "We're sure to be bunched up at the airport!"

"Exactly, so why are you so proud of second?" asked Meta Knight. "It's not a challenge any more! You want a challenge? I'll give you a challenge!"

Meta Knight hit the brakes hard and threw his wallet out of the window.

"A-actually, I think a simple race is a happy race," smiled Kirby, faltering a little.

"Happy? No pain, no gain!" shouted Meta Knight, throwing Kirby's wallet out of the window too.

Meta Knight calmed down.

"That was a great sketch, wasn't it?" grinned Meta Knight. "I hope we got it all on film."

"We've got no money!" shouted Kirby indignantly.

Meta Knight grumbled and started driving again.

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

"Want to play impressions so you don't get bored and murderous again?" asked Peach timidly.

"Okay! I'll be Samus!" Zelda grinned.

Zelda produced a large bottle of scotch and downed it all.

"My turn!" smiled Peach. "I'll be-"

"I'll be Samus!" Zelda grinned.

Zelda lustfully made out with the cameraman.

"Isn't she supposed to be like, a minute behind Kirby and Meta Knight?" wondered Peach. "I really doubt it only took one minute for the puffballs to catch up to us at the gate and follow us all the way to Green Greens!"

"I'll be Samus!" Zelda grinned.

_Samus and Pikachu  
7__th__ to Depart, 4:13am...?_

Pikachu was standing with the clue, waiting impatiently.

Samus hurried up, buttoning up her shirt as she ran.

"Sorry honey, Crazy Hand wanted to talk to me," said Samus at once, straightening her hair.

"Oh, no problem!" laughed Pikachu, relieved. "Come on, let's go!"

"Make your way to Green Greens!" read Samus.

"I'm really glad we don't have as much baggage and drama as some of the other teams," smiled Pikachu, hugging Samus.

Samus made the 'call me' sign to Crazy Hand over Pikachu's tiny shoulder.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Last to Depart, 4:24am_

"Make your way to Green Greens," read Falco, opening the clue.

"Yo, cancel the 10am gate orda'," said King Dedede through a walkie-talkie.

"Who are you talking to?" asked Falco suspiciously.

"Nobizzle," said Dedede quickly.

"Why are most of the other teams still hanging around here?" asked Falco, looking at the teams driving out of the gate.

"No reason," panicked Dedede. "Yo, do tha' interview thing."

"Oh, right," remembered Falco. He turned to the camera. "Deeds and I had a rough leg last time, but we're not going to give up, are we?"

King Dedede threw Falco into a car and drove as fast as he could towards the gate.

_Green Greens_

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"We got through those gates fine," frowned Lucas. "Why would the place have been shut until 10?"

"Look, Team Vegas and the birds are here!" smiled Ness, looking back. "We're at the front of a six-car line! I'm so excited I can't breathe!"

Lucas looked at the odd shape of Ness' chest.

"Maybe you should exhale," said Lucas dryly.

Ness exhaled and stopped turning blue.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"Gadzooks, the birds left the pit stop already-a!" cried Mario, looking back at the car furthest away.

"Don't let them know they've caught up," replied Sonic. "We might just have to change back into our alter-ego disguises."

Sonic reached into the glove compartment and pulled out two identical pairs of reading glasses.

"I'll be Kent Clarkson," decided Sonic, putting his glasses on.

"Right-a, and I'll be Park Peterson," nodded Mario.

"Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?" asked Kent.

"We'll call it ethnic-a!" shrugged Park defensively. "Italian-a or some crap."

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Let's see...fly to...fly...f-l...ah crap, I can't read this properly," said Lucas, straining at the clue. "Hand me my reading glasses, Ness."

"Reading glasses?" asked Ness. "I don't have them. I sold them to Mario and Sonic!"

"What?" Lucas asked. "All I asked you to do was hold my glasses when we switched from aromatherapy to mud baths back at the spa!"

"When were we in a spa?" asked Ness, puzzled.

"About an hour ago!" fumed Lucas.

"That was a spa?" gasped Ness. "I thought it was some kind of pleasure dome, and we were all just getting really frisky!"

"Well, it wasn't. You lost my glasses so I can't see, and you can't read," said Lucas. "We can't read any more clues."

"Why don't we ask a local?" asked Ness.

"We could, but everyone around here just listened to you talk about frisky pleasure domes!" raged Lucas. "And they're running away!"

Ness read the clue correctly and hopped in a car.

Lucas sighed.

_Orange Ocean Airport_

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

Kirby and Meta Knight sprinted into the airport, with a handgun each.

"Everyone down on the ground!" screamed Kirby.

The staff all gasped and followed Kirby's order.

"Hand over airline tickets to Castle Town or the puffball dies!" bellowed Meta Knight, aiming between Kirby's eyes.

"H-here you go!" panicked a ticket agent. "You leave at 11:20am!"

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
1__st__ on Air-ange Ocean Flight_

"April Fool's!" grinned Meta Knight, throwing away his toy gun. "We're not really dangerous airport murderers!"

"It's June!" shouted the ticket agent.

"Either way, we would never kill people irresponsibly!" laughed Kirby.

_Peach and Zelda  
2__nd__ on Air-ange Ocean Flight_

Zelda stormed through the door and irresponsibly killed Kirby.

"Steal those tickets!" demanded Zelda, ordering Peach over to the ticket counter.

"I'm not stealing anything!" protested Peach.

"Fine, engage the ticket agent in some fierce negotiations!" ordered Zelda. "I'll start shooting down some security guards."

"Okay...I'll trade you two tickets to Castle Town for this ransom," Peach sighed, handing the ticket agent some money.

"You have a deal, you horrible criminal!" cried the ticket agent in a falsetto.

"You're becoming so diabolical, Peach!" sniffed Zelda proudly, wiping away a tear.

_Green Greens_

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"What's taking this car line so long?" asked Snake, frustrated.

Falcon gave his muffled opinion.

A Waddle Dee policeman tapped Snake's driver window.

"Excuse me, sir?" asked the policeman. "We got an anonymous tip that you have a hostage in your back seat."

"What? Who sent that anonymous tip?" asked Snake, shocked.

"Two fellers who called themselves ROB and Mr. Game and Watch," said the policeman. "Now you're going to have to let me check your back seat."

The policeman noticed Falcon, tied up, gagged, and drenched in baby oil.

Snake laughed nervously.

"That's no hostage," laughed the policeman, shaking his head. "That's just part of the gay culture. Have you kids been datin' a while?"

"No, he totally is a hostage!" fumed Snake indignantly.

The policeman laughed and walked away.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"That was a Reagan worthy plan there, soldier!" laughed Mr. Game and Watch, watching the policeman. "Snake sure seems flustered!"

"I'm going to give myself a purple heart for coming up with such an epic idea," declared ROB. "I'm becoming quite the decorated soldier!"

"Soon enough, we'll make those two come out," cackled Mr. Game and Watch evilly. "They can pretend all they want, but they're showing signs of weakness, cracks in their armor, boy howdy!"

"More like tears in their doily," added ROB. "It's only a matter of time until they surrender to the truth!"

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

Mario and Sonic abandoned their disguises gleefully and drove into a tree or seven.

GREEN BELT!

"Fly to Castle Town, Hyrule!" read Sonic, excited. "I told you we'd be leaving this Dream Land hellhole!"

DISCRIMINATE!

"Quickly-a, my apprentice," smiled Mario. "Let's increase our powers-a, so that we may defeat the other teams in Castle Town-a!"

Mario injected himself with steroids.

"We can't do that!" gasped Sonic. "It's against the law."

"Who the hell-a cares about the law-a?" demanded Mario the superhero. "Now hurry up and get-a juiced up-a!"

Sonic reluctantly injected himself with a placebo.

"I feel so wrong," groaned Sonic.

Mario excitedly used his newfound strength to throw two cars several feet away for no good reason.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

Snake and Falcon's car and ROB and Mr. Game and Watch's car flew several feet away for no good reason.

"Wow, that was unfortunate!" laughed Pikachu. "Why do you think that happened?"

"Because-" Samus began.

"Wrong!" interrupted Pikachu. "It's because they have sinned! The Contra code is for ne'er-do-wells! Repent!"

"You're so mean," pouted Samus. "Though, that's kind of hot!"

"They must be dirty Sega-ists," Pikachu chuckled, admiring the smoldering wreckage. "Would that be Segists? Oh well, fly to Castle Town, Hyrule!"

Samus and Pikachu got back in their car and drove off.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Fly to Castle Town, Hyrule!" read Falco. "Oh boy, I can't wait! How about you, Deeds?"

"Yeah, uh, dawg, no birds allowed on ma' Green Greens," said King Dedede, holding a nightstick.

"What?" asked Falco. "But you're a bird! You're part of my tribe! We made this wigwam together!"

Falco desperately pointed at a trailer with some zig-zags painted on it.

"Actuallizzle, I passed a law, decreein' that I is no longer a bird," said Dedede sheepishly, holding up a scroll.

Falco let out a squawk of protest.

"Fine, I'll take the citizenship test!" pouted Falco. "I've been studying all night! Equal rights! I can't believe you'd belittle your own people like this!"

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Why did that happen?" sobbed Falcon, climbing out of the car wreckage.

"That was so mean of Mario and Sonic!" cried Snake, pulling metal out of his skin.

"I'm so upset!" whined Falcon.

"Me too!" sobbed Snake.

Snake and Falcon looked at each other.

"Make me feel good!" they both cried, hugging each other tightly.

They let go of each other and ran to the clue.

"Fly to Castle Town, Hyrule!" read Snake.

"Maybe we can catch up at the airport!" smiled Falcon. "That'll teach everyone not to mess with us!"

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in Last Place_

"Well cracker my cheese!" spluttered ROB, climbing out of his car. "I knew it was only a matter of time until an attempt was made on our lives!"

"Are we the only ones to be assassinated?" asked Mr. Game and Watch.

"Nope, they got the fairy boys too," noticed ROB. "Never place in the top two again! It makes you a target!"

"Fly to Castle Town, Hyrule!" read Mr. Game and Watch.

"We better hurry," said ROB urgently. "Once we buy our plane tickets, we need to hightail it to our organ donor and replace some of these damaged lungs!"

"We have organs?" asked Mr. Game and Watch.

_Orange Ocean Airport_

_Ness and Lucas  
3__rd__ on Air-ange Ocean Flight_

"Two tickets to Castle Town?" smiled the ticket agent. "Well, here you go, little boys! You'll be boarding at 11:20am, so you've got lots of time to play in the airport!"

"Wow, great service!" smiled Lucas. "Thanks, you're being really nice to us."

"Not good enough," Ness frowned. "We can hold out for even more niceness."

The ticket agent sighed. "Would you like some lollipops?"

"Why'd you have to say that, idiot?" hissed Lucas in Ness' ear. "I'm diabetic! Now she's giving us candy!"

"Oh right..." pondered Ness.

Ness banged his hand on the counter.

"Nix those lollipops! Give us two huge bags of sugar! No, no, syringes! And let us shoot up right here!" ordered Ness.

_Samus and Pikachu  
4__th__ on Air-ange Ocean Flight_

"Did somebody say shoot up?" asked Samus eagerly, running through the airport.

"Leave the kids alone!" gasped Pikachu, outraged.

"Hey, you're taking sugar," said Samus seductively, stroking Ness' hair. "That's pretty hot."

"Excuse me, do you two want tickets to Castle Town?" asked the ticket agent. "Cause I like, have a lot."

"Oh, splendid!" smiled Pikachu. "May Wright shine upon you!"

"Wright?" repeated the agent. "What is that, some kind of false deity?"

Pikachu foamed at the mouth angrily and was forcibly dragged away by airport security.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"Everyone else is here," Snake sighed, walking through the airport doors.

"Damn!" cursed Falcon.

Falcon's belt fell off.

"I can't even make a joke about that," Snake frowned, averting his eyes. "This must be bad..."

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"I bet all of these commies will have already worked out a reasonable method of flying to Hyrule," spat Mr. Game and Watch, entering the airport.

"Those cunning demons," fumed ROB. "Their boundless treachery makes me want to tear up my Reagan posters!"

"That seems entirely reasonable, given that we're in last," nodded Mr. Game and Watch.

"Really?" asked ROB uncertainly.

"Hell no, that's _Reagan_ you're talking about!" reprimanded Mr. Game and Watch. "No more rations for you! Now I've got a revenge plan!"

_Mario and Sonic  
5__th__ on Air-ange Ocean Flight_

"I demand-a to be on your flight!" screamed Mario. "To Hyrule and beyond-a!"

"I wonder if those other teams are mad that we wrecked their cars?" wondered Sonic.

A brick flew through the air and hit Sonic in the back of the head, killing him instantly.

"Ha, he shouldn't-a have let his guard-a down!" chuckled Mario. "That's-a what he gets!"

Mario picked up the brick and read the attached note.

"This-a is kryptonite, sincerely-a, ROB and Mr. Game and Watch-a," read Mario.

Mario died.

_Falco and King Dedede  
6__th__ on Air-ange Ocean Flight_

"Yo, can we have two tickizzles to Castle Town?" asked King Dedede.

Falco furiously scribbled in his last answer.

"Thanks," smiled Dedede, taking the printed tickets.

"And I'm done," smirked Falco, handing Dedede his paper. "There's your citizenship test! Now let birds on your public parks!"

"Yeah, this looks all right, dawg," said Dedede, checking the answers.

"Wow, emancipation at long last! This is a sweet day," Falco grinned.

"Too bad we is leaving the countrizzle," shrugged Dedede, tearing up the test.

_Snake and Falcon  
7__th__ on Air-ange Ocean Flight_

"Two tickets to Castle Town, please," requested Falcon.

"I feel itchy," complained Snake, scratching all over.

"I told you, it's not me who gave you that rash!" shouted Falcon.

"Actually, it's-" Snake began.

"And it isn't the gerbil scratches!" bellowed Falcon. "I'm always careful when it comes to this stuff!"

"Actually, it's my latent chickenpox," said Snake, puzzled. "What were you talking about?"

"Oh, nothing," chuckled Falcon.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Last on Air-ange Ocean Flight_

"What in Sam Hell is going on!" demanded ROB. "This is a crisis situation! What are you doing?!"

"Your Castle Town tickets are printing," retorted the ticket agent.

"How many of them are there?" asked Mr. Game and Watch urgently.

The ticket agent blinked, confused.

"Uh...two?" replied the ticket agent.

"Retreat!" barked ROB. "She has us outnumbered!"

"No, two equals two," replied the ticket agent.

"Diabolical, equality is pervading more and more of society," fumed ROB.

Mr. Game and Watch apprehensively took the tickets and stormed off.

"_All teams are now on the same flight from Orange Ocean to Castle Town, Hyrule!" said Crazy Hand. "Once they land, teams will find their next clue at the airport!"_

_Castle Town, Hyrule_

"What do you think this cameraman job's for?" asked a Hylian, standing outside the front door of the airport.

"Word on the street is that it's some commercial," shrugged his friend.

"I think I hear a large group of people running," said a third Hylian, with his ear against the door. "Must be our cast."

An axe flew through the door, slicing the Hylian's ear in half.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Now that wasn't necessary!" chided Peach, stepping outside.

"But it was so sweet!" cheered Zelda, picking up her axe. "It's good to be home!"

"P-princess Zelda?" gasped the crowd of new cameramen. "Is that you?"

"Drop and give me twenty, scum!" commanded Zelda. "Peach! Get that clue!"

"Make your way to Telma's Bar," read Peach at once.

"_Teams must now figure out that-oh, I'm sorry, I was hoping for an actual clue. Teams must now go to Telma's Bar," said Crazy Hand. "Once there, they will find another clue."_

"Prepare a chariot, slave!" ordered Zelda.

"Actually, when you left for Super Smash Brothers, we...um...kind of had some changes..." chuckled one of the Hylians nervously. "Hyrule is a Marxist country now."

Peach timidly closed the camera's lens cap at the same time Zelda pounced.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Wow Samus, I had no idea you ran so fast!" smiled Pikachu, grabbing the clue.

"It comes from years of experience running away before the man's wife comes home," explained Samus.

"Make your way to Telma's Bar," read Pikachu, not paying attention.

"Oh, I got us a cab!" smiled Samus, pointing.

The cab driver walked over, pulling out his wallet."Hey, uh, do I have to pay up front before you s-"

"Don't mind him, he's insane," panicked Samus. "Get in!"

"-wheelbarrow style's a bonus-"

Pikachu nodded and got in the cab.

"-unpaid interns dancing-"

"Don't talk about it yet, wait until the square's gone," whispered Samus, indicating Pikachu.

"-faceshot?" finished the driver, with a stack of bills.

"What are you talking about, honey?" called Pikachu.

"It's a bounty hunter thing!" Samus lied quickly. "He wants to shoot something in the face!"

"In a manner of speaking," nodded the driver. "When will your, uh, husband be gone?"

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

"I'm not happy about this," Zelda frowned, sitting in the cab. "I want to be the ruler again."

"Impa suggested it," said the cab driver. "Right as you left, in fact. She stood up and was all like 'So, Marxism?'"

"Good thing I can have her mauled by my trained master of disguise," shrugged Zelda.

"I'm not a master of disguise!" protested Peach. "This is what I look like!"

Zelda ripped off Peach's face, revealing her insidey parts.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" screamed Peach.

"See? You're actually none other than a skull and a brain under that disguise!" cackled Zelda, throwing Peach's face on the cab floor.

"Ooh, I was pretty," smiled Peach, looking down at her face.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Make your way to Telma's Bar-a!" read Mario.

"Okay, before we go, I need more magic powder," said Sonic urgently. "It's what gives me my supersonic speed."

Sonic pulled out a bag of cocaine and a straw.

"Can I go-a after you?" asked Mario. "Magic powder gives-a me my jumping abilities,"

"Sure," said Sonic, putting the straw in his nose. "But don't bogart it, magic powder gives me my cab flagging powers."

"It gives-a me the dragon chasing-a bonus," smiled Mario, laying out the line.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Makizzle y'all's way to Telma's Bar," read King Dedede.

"Look, all the empty taxis are over there!" noticed Falco, pointing. "Let's go!"

"Wow, keen eyes, homie!" smiled Dedede.

"I know, being a bird isn't so bad now, is it?" grinned Falco. "We can see further than everyone else!"

Falco and Dedede got in the cab.

"Double fee," said the driver at once.

"Racist," Falco sighed.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Make your way to Telma's Bar," read Kirby.

"I hope there aren't any tasks there," said Meta Knight uneasily, getting in a cab. "I don't want to imagine half these teams getting drunk."

"Oh man, we'd be hilarious drunks!" Kirby grinned. "We could have our own MTV show where we get drunk and do some dumbass stuff!"

"Totally," smiled Meta Knight. "We could get so wasted and so rich."

"Why wouldn't you want the other teams to get drunk?" laughed Kirby. "That'd be a great supporting cast!"

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Make your way to Telma's Bar?" read Falcon, confused.

"What's up?" asked Snake.

"It's just that...Telma sounds like a woman's name..." said Falcon.

"I heard some bars have women," nodded Snake. "Don't worry, I'm right here."

"Wh-why would I care if you were there?" stammered Falcon. "I like women."

"Me too, I could be your wingman, that's what I meant," said Snake quickly.

"Oh, cool," nodded Falcon.

Snake sniffed Falcon's hair when he wasn't looking.

"Alright! We need a cab! Come on, get a cab! Cab cab cab!" demanded Snake rapidly.

"Are you high or something?" asked Falcon. "Did you huff my hairspray?"

"Why would I smell your hair?" replied Snake defensively.

"Why would I have hairspray?" asked Falcon quickly.

"Can we just go?" asked a cab driver. "I pulled up ages ago!"

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"Excuse me, cab driver?" asked Meta Knight. "Yeah, uh, don't want to be rude, but I'm getting the impression that you have no idea where you're going."

"This is a red light, and I'm following the cabs ahead of us," replied the driver.

"Okay..." sighed Meta Knight. "Lame, I wanted to cause an international incident. That'd be great for ratings."

"That's what you were going for?" chuckled Kirby. "Step aside."

Kirby rolled down the window.

"Hyrule is a hellhole!" screamed Kirby. "What's wrong with you? Too Amish to get a TV, so you all just mill around Castle Town hosting indoor carnival games and buying products from a psychopathic baby?"

"Toddler," said Malo, walking by with a stack of Malo Mart paperwork.

"And you Gorons!" continued Kirby. "You look re-he-_heally _intelligent over there, plodding around the streets! Let me guess; 'Ug! Me so lonely! Ug ug! Goron want hug!' You're disgusting, you rocky freaks! And another thing-"

The cab driver started driving on the curb.

"What are you doing, slack-jawed Hylian dumbass douchebag son of a-" began Kirby.

Kirby smacked his face off of a lamppost and landed on the pavement.

Kirby was beat up by a crowd.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"So I think once we get to the next task, we should hang around a little bit to see what the other teams are doing," suggested Falco.

"Naaah dawg, we gots to get it ova' with quick," dismissed Dedede.

A Hylian man got in the back of the cab next to Falco and King Dedede.

"That's true, but if we make a mistake we could-who are you?" asked Falco, noticing the man.

"I'll take a 24, a 43, and a medium Sprite," ordered the man.

"Programmin', are we?" joked Dedede.

"Just give me my food, man!" said the man.

"Let me guess, we're birds being allowed to ride in a vehicle, so we must be some sort of takeout delivery service," scoffed Falco.

"No, he's talking to me," replied another man on Falco and King Dedede's other side. "I got in ten minutes ago because I thought you guys were my new shipments."

"What?" asked Falco, bewildered.

"The 24 is a steamed falcon breast," explained the second man. "And the 43...oh-ho man, the 43..."

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Let's see...make your way to Telma's Bar," read Lucas. "Taxi!"

"A bar?" repeated Ness. "We're not old enough! We don't even have guns to protect ourselves from a vicious barfly or a drunken wife beater!"

"Come on, Ness," said Lucas. "It's not like we'll be there for long! And besides, this race is perfectly guaranteed probably safe! Look, it says so on our clue."

Lucas showed Ness the 'Guaranteed Probably Safe' sticker on his clue.

"But still, if the bartender comes at me with a corkscrew and rips out my lung to use in his sadistic theatre productions featuring corkscrew lungs coexisting with the beer taps, you won't hear the end of it," said Ness.

"...I'll try to keep an open mind," replied Lucas after a while.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in Last Place_

"Make your way to Telma's Bar," read Mr. Game and Watch. "We're in last place, there's only one cab left."

"Last time I was lagging behind, it was just me and my favourite private," shivered ROB. "He claimed that we spent so much time together in the barracks because male bonding showed a man how to make friends...and we were behind and out of formation in the battlefield, and the enemy sprang up from a bush. My favourite private took several shots to the thigh. Blood was everywhere. And the last thing he said was that he had always wanted to be buried in front of the factory I was assembled in, so that he may join with another of my kind for what he called afterlife poontang."

"Uh..."

"Now I was young and inexperienced, so I had no idea what that meant. Then when I found out nearly five seconds later as the enemy mocked him, I surrendered. So they took me to their war camp where they would torture and mock me by dressing as women and activating all my switches," continued ROB. "I even have one of their dastardly codes etched into me! I can only assume that a bomb has been strapped to me, and will detonate if that code is ever entered!"

"Looks like a phone number," Mr. Game and Watch mused. "Can we go now?"

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"Listen-a here Magneto," urged Mario. "All the other-a cabs are catching up to us-a! Go faster!"

"Yeah, this looks like an eight-way tie right about now," said Sonic nervously.

"Speed limits are speed limits, sorry," said the cab driver. "And stop calling me that."

Sonic punched the driver in the back of the head, killing him.

"You've met your match, Magneto!" laughed Sonic. "Never again will your magnetic powers stop us from being the fastest cab!"

The framework to a plane abruptly crashed on top of the car.

"I knew he was Magneto-a," said Mario's ghost.

"Me too," nodded Sonic's ghost.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"Pika, honey, can you please stop making the driver stop every few feet?" asked Samus testily. "Everyone else is catching up to us now!"

"Look, I have to spread Wrightism and make it worldwide!" replied Pikachu. "That's why I started this cause. Pamphlet, sir?"

"What is this?" asked a Zora, taking the pamphlet.

"This is 'Right to Wright', an organisation devoted to converting the mindless majority into full fledged Wrightists!" Pikachu grinned. "My lovely wife and I co-founded it!"

Samus lustily licked her lips at the Zora over Pikachu's shoulder.

"So can you just sign the dotted line?" asked Pikachu.

"No! I'm perfectly happy worshipping Zoraism!" retorted the Zora, striding away.

"Aww, I'm sorry babe," consoled Samus, patting Pikachu's shoulder.

"His beliefs sound dumb," Pikachu sulked. "Mine are waaay cooler..."

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

Ness and Lucas' cab driver pulled over.

"What are you doing?" demanded Ness.

"Needs more gas," grunted the driver. "It can wait, can't it? Why are you guys in such a rush?"

"Well, it can't exactly wait," said Lucas uneasily. "See, we're in this weird race for a million dollars, and in every different place we go to, the people who arrive at a specific point last get kicked off. There's eight teams like us left, and we need to-"

"Eight teams left!" interrupted Ness. "That's bullcrap, there's at least nineteen still in by this point."

"Hey dumbass, I'm trying to tell the uncaring driver a story here!" argued Lucas.

"Whoa, calm down," scoffed Ness. "Tell him your boring story."

"Anyway, we need to get around Hyrule as fast as we can," said Lucas. "So can you hurry up with our gas? There's going to be a task up ahead, and we need to-"

"You're not telling the story right," interrupted Ness.

"Fine, tell him your version!" shouted Lucas angrily.

"Lucas is a whiny douche, the end," Ness smirked. "Oh, were there more details?"

"Anyway," said Lucas through gritted teeth. "We need to get moving, driver!"

"I've been done for a while," replied the driver, having walked back to the car and opened a magazine.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"Can you please go quickly?" asked Falcon nervously, looking at all the other cabs.

"Wow, you're so intense in Hyrule," Snake chuckled.

"Speed the cab up!" screamed Falcon, banging the cab driver's head. "We need to win!"

Snake giggled.

"Move!" screamed Falcon, throwing the driver against the steering wheel.

"You did _not_ just do that!" laughed Snake.

"Yes, I did..." crooned Falcon, moving close to Snake.

"Do it again," breathed Snake, his eyes half open.

The driver drove over a speed bump, shaking Snake and Falcon apart at once.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"Here's the deal, Magneto," bargained Sonic. "You're going to get us to Telma's Bar first, and you're going to do it without any villainous hassle."

"I don't see why we drivers have to care about your race," frowned 'Magneto' stubbornly.

Suddenly, there was an exploding sound.

"Che Guevera, Sonic!" exclaimed Mario inappropriately. "What was that-a?"

"Ah crap, flat tyre," sighed the driver, peering out of the window.

"Sabotage!" bellowed Sonic. "I warned you, Magneto! Now you will pay for your crimes!"

Sonic pressed one of his wristbands and fired a deadly laser at the driver.

In reality, Sonic sprayed some silly string at the driver.

"I hope-a somebody can help us!" despaired Mario.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Hey, look, someone up there got a flat tyre," noticed Ness.

"It's Mario and Sonic," groaned Lucas. "Now we'll probably have to talk to them."

"Seeing those guys is really bad luck for us," Ness sighed.

"Actually, you just said something not entirely stupid," noticed Lucas, amazed. "It _does_ seem that every time we see them nowadays, they call me their Chief, kill us with their powers, have delusions of grandeur, and slash or try to enlist us in their hero league."

"Jerks," said Ness, shaking his head.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"Chief!" cried Sonic, as Ness and Lucas went by.

"Die in a fire!" shouted Lucas.

"Curses, even the Chief won't help us," lamented Sonic.

"We may have to call our low-a budget female counterpart heroines-a!" panicked Mario.

"Ugh," groaned Sonic. "Surely you don't mean Sherio and Sonicette."

"No-a! I mean Luigi and Tails-a!" argued Mario.

"Oh, cool," nodded Sonic. "I'll use my telepathy to call Tails."

"No," said Tails' voice in Sonic's head.

Luigi and Jigglypuff walked by.

"I'm sure the next clue's around here somewhere," droned a still-in-denial Jigglypuff.

"Luigi-a!" called Mario. "Help me out-a here!"

"I can't, I'm still caught up in this stupid race thing," sighed Luigi. "They were the ones you said got eliminated last time, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, it was them!" panicked Jigglypuff, looking around nervously.

"Damn-a!" frowned Mario. "If only we had some kind-a of minority group we could use as slaves-a to do this for us-a!"

"Silly Mario, we don't know any minorities!" Sonic chuckled.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds Who Are A Minority Group Mario and Sonic Know_

"Come on, driver, we're in a race!" demanded Falco.

"Yo, do y'all have the feeling that some brotha' got a flat tyrizzle?" asked Dedede.

"I can't say," shrugged Falco. "Anyway, driver, move it!"

"Why do you people always call us driver?" asked the driver. "We have names too, bird."

"Cab drivers are an inferior race," shrugged Falco. "Just shut up and drive."

"Racist," scoffed the driver.

"Back at you," scoffed Falco.

King Dedede smiled to himself.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"I found the cause of our flat," called the driver. "Somebody threw a knife at the car. Can you think of anybody who'd want you two fellers dead?"

"You would, Magneto!" shouted Sonic angrily.

"Sonic-a! I have the solution to our problem-a!" gasped Mario. "To ensure that Magneto can't-a do this ever again, we should-a rid the world of knives!"

"Excellent thinking, super pal!" grinned Sonic. "Let's get to it! We can throw them all in the sun!"

Mario and Sonic raided a nearby restaurant's knife supply and threw them all in the air.

"There-a! The world is-a knife free-a!" beamed Mario proudly.

That rascally gravity caused the knives to fall back down into Mario and Sonic's skin.

"How could-a my plan fail?" demanded Mario.

"It's Magneto's magnetic powers!" gasped Sonic. "He attracted all of the knives and directed them at us!"

"No I didn't," protested the driver. "I use my powers of magnetism for-oops..."

Mario and Sonic got evil looks.

"Curses!" cried Magneto, shedding his cab driver costume. "Foiled again!"

Magneto flew away.

"....Wanna take the bus?" asked Sonic.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"There's a bar!" noticed Samus, her tail sticking up on end.

"Where did you get that?" asked Pikachu quietly.

"Come on, help me find the cluebox!" said Samus, taking Pikachu's hand.

Samus and Pikachu walked through the front door of the bar.

"Samus!" shouted all of the patrons cheerily.

"I don't think this is it, sweetie," whispered Pikachu.

"But everybody knows my name here," Samus pouted, storming off.

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink-Wearing Blondes_

"I'll ask you again," threatened Zelda. "Do you or do you not know where we're going?"

"Um, you're facing me, not the driver," said Peach.

"And you never asked either of us that," added the driver.

"Slave, I order you to cut the sass and take me to Telma's Bar!" demanded Zelda.

"Actually, with the whole equal rights thing, I'm going to have to ask you not to talk down to me so much," said the driver nicely.

"Equal this!" bellowed Zelda, furiously sawing Peach in half and throwing her torso at the engine.

"Uh, okay, here you go," said the driver.

The driver furiously sawed the cameraman in half and threw his torso at the back seat.

"Ha, I get it," giggled Zelda. "Maybe we could have a drink together sometime. How about Telma's Bar?"

"I might take you up on that," nodded the driver, smitten.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"Stupid, stupid, stupid traffic lights," groaned Falcon, resting his head against the window.

"Oh my god, oh my god, are you Captain Falcon?" asked a Hylian girl, running up to the car.

"Yes, I am," Falcon smirked seductively. "How about you and me grab dinner sometime?"

"I'm under twenty five and have no inhibitions!" smiled the Hylian girl, blinking unfocusedly.

"Then you won't mind Captain Falcon being impotent," said Snake quickly, grabbing Falcon's hand.

"Mmm, no, last time I dated somebody like that, Captain Olimar never called back," said the girl. "Maybe next time."

She walked off sadly.

"Why did you do that?" hissed Falcon.

"You know why..." crooned Snake.

...

"No, I don't," said a puzzled Falcon.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"This sucks, it's just a bunch of driving around," frowned Ness, bored.

"Driving around my ass," scoffed Lucas. "It's more like sitting around saying stupid things and getting into wacky scenarios. Seriously, you see one scene of a contestant and you've seen them all."

"I'm sorry guys, Smashy Survivor's the only thing we have," apologised the driver, turning off the built-into-the-back-seat-TVs.

"Well, that's over," shrugged Ness. "Want to get into an overly long argument that's exactly the same as every other time we argue?"

"Totally," grinned Lucas.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"All this driving around is crazy, isn't it?" asked Pikachu, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Don't do me no favors, ho!" replied Samus, snapping her fingers.

"Now Sammy, what have I told you about talking like that?" reprimanded Pikachu testily.

"Always follow it up with an 'I'm-sorry'-make-up-make-out..." Samus sighed sheepishly.

"That's right," said Pikachu sternly.

_Telma's Bar_

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

Snake and Falcon walked through the bar, merrily holding hands.

"Are we the first ones here?" asked Snake coyly.

"Ay! Your kind ain't welcome in these parts!" shouted a barfly, throwing his glass at Falcon.

"Aw beans," pouted Falcon, leaving.

"Wait, I have an idea!" Snake grinned.

Five seconds later, Snake walked through the bar, followed by Falcon wearing a curly blonde wig and heels.

"Isn't this a good idea?" whispered Snake.

"It's a great idea, this feels way more natural than being a dude!" beamed Falcon, a little too loudly.

Snake and Falcon were kicked out again.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"I don't think any of the teams know if they're first or last," panicked Kirby, running through the bar doors. "We could be completely doomed!"

"Don't worry," smiled Meta Knight. "We're at the bar now, nothing will go wrong. And you can trust me, because I have an uncanny sixth sense."

Snake and Falcon jumped out from behind a shady corner and mugged Kirby and Meta Knight.

"Come on, you guys have to have some kind of cross-dressing props and costumes for your comedy thing!" snarled Snake, kicking Kirby in the face.

"Why do you guys want to dress up as women?" asked Meta Knight, struggling against Falcon's chokehold.

There was a momentary pause.

"Okay, that was a stupid question," admitted Meta Knight. "Our prettiest dresses are in my back pocket!"

"Oh goody!" cheered Falcon, diving in.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"'Sup dawgs," nodded King Dedede, walking up to the bar. "'sgoin' on?"

"Snake and Falcon can't get in the bar because they don't allow gays," explained Kirby.

"We're not gay," said Snake.

"What?" demanded Falco. "They're excluding them because of their sexual orientation? That's a horrible form of discrimination!"

Falco took a step into the bar, poking his head around the doorway.

Falco immediately recoiled, narrowly avoiding a thrown knife.

"They won't let in birds either," Falco chuckled nervously. "Anybody got any other costumes for Deeds and I?"

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch barged out of the cab and met the other three teams.

"What are you commies crying about this time?" demanded ROB.

"Telma's Bar doesn't let gays or birds inside," explained Meta Knight. "So we have to disguise these guys."

"Not gay!" cried Snake.

"Well of course they don't let gays or birds inside," snapped Mr. Game and Watch. "This is a bar! You have to assert yourself! This isn't one of your pinky-pants hippie liberal tea parties,"

"See, the crucial flaw with these places is that they always fold to a good old fashioned spoon-shanking," explained ROB. He pulled out several hundred spoons. "Now each of you grab a spoon, and we'll charge in that bar and start shanking people left and right. That's an order."

Everyone else snapped to attention, saluting with their chests thrown out.

"Sir! I don't think that'll work, sir!" called Falco.

"Of course it'll work!" ROB frowned. "Once you shank your enemy, their flesh, bones and other sinew become akin to the common, garden-variety cheesecake! Then you can simply eat your way through the corpse until you learn the fallen foe's battle techniques!"

"Sir! That makes no sense and you're a freaking idiot, sir!" called ROB.

"That's enough of your lip, private!" barked ROB, slapping ROB. "Everyone, go forth and shank! Smartmouth, drop and give me twenty!"

Snake, Falcon, Kirby, Meta Knight, Falco, King Dedede and Mr. Game and Watch charged into the bar, spoons blazing. ROB dropped and gave himself twenty as punishment for his own insubordination.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Alright, looks like the cab ride is over," grinned Lucas eagerly, getting out of the cab.

"I'm happy for you. Pay me," said the driver.

"Ness, pay him," said Lucas.

"I can't pay you, driver," frowned Ness. "Lucas' wallet doesn't work."

"What?" whispered Lucas incredulously.

Ness winked. "Just watch. I'll get us out of this."

"His wallet was working when he tipped me to run over that puppy," frowned the driver.

"Oh puh-_lease_, that was basic wallet mechanics," scoffed Ness. "No, there is definitely an internal compromise of some sort working inside this wallet."

"Idiot," whispered Lucas.

"Don't call me that," pouted Ness. "If you want to pay the driver so much, pay him then!"

Lucas tried to open his wallet, only to find that it didn't work.

"I can't pay you, driver," sighed Lucas, embarrassed. "My wallet doesn't work."

"Strange, isn't it?" laughed Ness.

"I can get it working for you," said the driver.

Lucas handed over his wallet.

The driver drove away.

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

"Look, Ness and Lucas are walking into the bar right now," noticed Peach, as their cab pulled up.

"I wonder what kind of task is in there?" wondered Zelda innocently.

A loud clattering noise rang through the bar, and Lucas ran out screaming hysterically. Ness' dead body was thrown out of a window, with a spoon lodged in his back.

"Oh my," gasped Peach, shocked.

"Spoon shanking!" squealed Zelda, delighted. "Crazy Hand _did_ read my wish list!"

Zelda skipped into the bar, with Peach fearfully following her.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"Why can't we find this bar?" pouted Samus.

"I'm actually pretty happy we can't find the bar," shrugged Pikachu. "Drinking alcohol is a dirty sin. It affects your ability to focus, and then how will you do Wright's bidding?"

"Yeah, but it's fun," argued Samus.

"You'll never catch me drinking," Pikachu chuckled. "Because I love Wright."

Samus raised an eyebrow.

"I love Wright as more than a friend," smiled Pikachu creepily.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"Here's the bar," declared Sonic, charging through the saloon-style doors.

"Okay-a, where are the beer troughs-a?" demanded Mario. "I need-a to get tanked to use my super powers-a!"

"Beer troughs?" repeated Sonic.

"Yes-a, I was raised on a farm-a, far away from the rest-a of the kids," admitted Mario. "Super powers-a had to be hidden from other people-a."

"My superhero principles didn't work like that," Sonic frowned. "I was frequently encouraged to steal things and beat up police officers."

"Very heroic-a," smiled Mario. "Should we join this spoon-shanking-a thing?"

SHANK! SPOON! BLOOD!

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

In last place, Samus and Pikachu's cab pulled up to the bar.

"We're never gonna find the bar," groaned Samus, nearly in tears.

"Hey, what's that?" asked Pikachu jokingly, pointing right at the 'Telma's Bar' sign.

"Um....Death Mountain," guessed Samus. "Did I win?"

"No, that's the bar," said Pikachu quickly. "Looks like a fight's going on inside."

"That sounds scary!" sobbed Samus.

"Maybe we could calm everyone down," said Pikachu.

"By showing them my ping-pong ball trick?" asked Samus sweetly.

"That sounds perfectly lovely and not horribly offensive!" agreed Pikachu.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"You know, all this shanking is getting really repetitive," said Falcon, stabbing the same bar patron over and over again.

"I think you might be a little drunk!" laughed Snake.

"I think you might be a little beautiful," slurred Falcon, swaying from side to side.

Suddenly, a caffeine keg exploded, sobering Falcon up through some extremely convoluted circumstance that made him take the caffeine.

"What was I saying?" asked Falcon, sober and alert.

"All the right things," simpered Snake.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Okay, let's all try not to murder me this time!" demanded Ness, storming back into the bar.

Ness was ganged up on and beaten up.

"Ness, are you okay?" asked Lucas at once. "Wait a minute, are you faking being near death so that I'll be nicer to you?"

"What? No, of course not," choked Ness.

Ness inhaled deeply, breathing perfectly.

"Dammit, I knew you'd so something like this!" shouted Lucas. "You nearly made me care about you! How does that make you feel?"

"I feel awesome," replied Ness.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Just carefully move through the crowd," whispered Falco. "Let everyone else worry about the spoons."

"Got it, yo," nodded Dedede.

"Look, here's the clue box," whispered Falco. "Make your way to Hyrule Castle..."

"_Teams must now make their way to Hyrule Castle, where they will find their next clue!" said Crazy Hand._

"Nothing can stop us now, I think we're first!" grinned Falco quietly, tiptoeing back through the crowd.

A ninja leaped out from the shadows and slit Falco's throat with a spoon.

"Brotha' got _shaaaanked_!" exclaimed Dedede.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Go get the clue," ordered Zelda. "I have some unfinished business to attend to."

"You promise that you won't do anything violent?" asked Peach tentatively.

"Whatever," shrugged Zelda.

"Hmm, make your way to Hyrule Castle," read Peach.

Behind her, Zelda was viciously shanking Telma with her spoon.

"Oh come on, even I saw that one coming," frowned Peach.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Make-a your way to Hyrule Castle-a!" read Mario.

"Sounds do-able," shrugged Sonic.

"Not so fast, heroes!" boomed a voice.

"Gasp!" gasped Sonic.

"It's-a you!" panicked Mario.

"That's right! Did you expect to get into a massive spoon shanking area and not encounter me, The Shanker?" demanded The Shanker.

"Yes, actually," replied Sonic. "We figured you wouldn't find us. This is a pretty big crowd."

"Oh," said The Shanker. "...No matter! I've got my nefarious new sidekick, The Shiv Boy, guarding the exit! Nobody's leaving here alive! I'll show you what I mean!"

The Shanker walked over to the door and picked up The Shiv Boy, who was just a steak knife, and stabbed himself with it.

"Nobody leaves alive!" screamed The Shanker, bleeding to death.

"Let's leave," said Sonic quickly.

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Make your way to Hyrule Castle," read Falcon. "Okay, let's go!"

"Did you see that knife guy kill himself?" asked Snake, amazed. "He got totally self-shanked!"

"Maybe after this you can shank me," smiled Falcon.

"I don't think shank means sex," Snake frowned. "I think that's a similar sounding slang word."

"I know, I wanted you to stab me," said Falcon. "Why were you thinking of sex?"

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Make your way to Hyrule Castle," read Meta Knight.

"Alright, let's get out of here. Now," decided Kirby hastily.

"Have you ever noticed that when someone around here says we should leave, we never do, and we just magically appear in the cab next time around?" pondered Meta Knight.

"I think it's because we can't walk with the cameras on them," chuckled Kirby. "It's nerve-wracking, really."

Kirby and Meta Knight chuckled.

"Okay, get away from me now," Kirby told the cameraman. "I feel like taking a few steps."

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Make your way to Hyrule Castle," read Samus. "Pikachu, are you ready?"

Pikachu slowly made his way over to Samus, carrying a large D-pad on his back. Bar patrons pelted him with rocks.

"They wouldn't accept my ideals!" sobbed Pikachu, throwing down Wrightism pamphlets in a fit of rage. "Samus, please help me!"

"I...I do not know you, sir," said an embarrassed Samus.

"You're betraying me?" asked Pikachu, aghast.

"Meet you out at the cab," whispered Samus, winking.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Hyrule Castle, got it," said Mr. Game and Watch. "ROB, I think we may not be performing quite up to scratch this time around."

"Nonsense!" scoffed ROB. "I have reliable intelligence that clearly states that we are in fact, in seventh place! That is quite respectable! Especially with eleven teams in this thing! Oh wait...eliminations...so we're seventh out of eight! Wait a minute, aw, hell...are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"That we need to construct some kind of diabolical torture device that will contort and destroy the minds of our adversaries, allowing us to make a clean sweep out of the rest of the race?" asked Mr. Game and Watch.

"Precisely, now get to it!" ROB grinned cheerfully.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in Last Place_

"Make your way to Hyrule Castle," read Lucas. "Right, it looks like every team is really close to one another, so we can easily fluctuate from first to last and vice versa. Got it, Ness?"

"I think so," nodded Ness. "We need to stay positive, right?"

"Good thinking," agreed Lucas. "But I'm not sure that the proton drip is the best method to stay positive."

"You mean you don't get the joke?" laughed Ness, injecting himself with high-energy atoms.

"Good point, the prospect of you killing yourself is a riot," laughed Lucas.

_Hyrule Castle_

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Are we the first team here?" asked Falco excitedly, as the cab pulled up.

"Excuse me, you'll have to pay for the ride," said the driver, tapping the meter. "You've clocked in around one million dollars."

"What? I don't have that kind of money!" protested Falco. "And that's not the real meter, that's been written on with crayon!"

"Yo, you wanna go to jail, dawg?" asked Dedede angrily.

"Wha-whose side are you on?" spluttered Falco. "Why are you trying to fleece us out of our mo-oh, right, the bird thing."

Falco sighed and paid one million dollars.

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

"Let's go, the birds are being held up," noticed Peach.

"Not now!" yelled Zelda. "I need to change into my alter-ego disguise! I'd hate to have to sign autographs and waste time. After all, I _am_ this place's former dictator."

"Oh right, are you going to change into Sheik?" asked Peach. "I always thought that disguise was adorable!"

"No, I'm dressing as my German cousin," replied Zelda, putting on lederhosen. "Call me Schadenfreude."

"I don't get it," Peach frowned.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"Look at all the underpaid workers," scoffed Sonic. "You'd never see anything like this back in Smallburg."

"Those-a aren't underpaid workers-a!" gasped Mario. "Those are our reflections-a!"

"So you would see them in Smallburg?" checked Sonic.

"This will require pondering-a," mused Mario.

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Paying a driver, posing as foreigners, pondering workers, they're all busy! Go!" shouted Snake.

Falcon sprinted to the cluebox, and tore the clue open.

"Detour!" read Falcon. "Goal or Soul?"

"_A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with their own pros and cons!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Detour, teams must choose between Goal and Soul!_

_In Goal, teams must find the house of Agitha, Castle Town's golden bug enthusiast! Once there, they must steal enough golden bugs, which can be traded for rupees, to buy their next clue from Malo Mart! While Agitha is usually willing to part with her bugs, the task can be made more difficult by Malo, the stingiest baby thing in all of Hyrule!_

_In Soul, teams must find Castle Town's local possessed old man, Jovani! Each team must purge Jovani of four Poe souls! Once complete, Jovani's cat will give them their next clue! There is nothing hard about the task, but resisting the urge to laugh at Jovani's misfortune could prove challenging!"_

"Oh, I like babies!" Snake simpered. "Let's do Goal! I want a baby!"

"But women make them," frowned Falcon.

"Awww beans," pouted Snake. "It's times like these when I wish I wasn't gay!"

"But you're not," pointed out Falcon.

_Peach and Schadenfreude  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Zelda stormed up to the cluebox, and used the sharp corners of the clue to mutilate her least favourite gardener.

"You know, one of these days you'll get a major dose of empathy," said Peach.

"Emp...athy?" repeated Zelda slowly.

"Ah, who am I kidding," smiled Peach. "Of course you won't. So what Detour do you want to do, Goal or Soul?"

"Soul, I like laughing at other people's misfortune," said Zelda flatly, walking off.

Peach thought for a moment.

"Oh, I get it now!" laughed Peach. "That was a good one!"

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"I'm feeling-a like this Jovani fellow could use some saving-a!" declared Mario. "We shall do Soul-a!"

"That's a good idea, because my old high school girlfriend, Lewis Layne, taught me all about emission," agreed Sonic.

"You mean-a exorcism," said Mario. "And Lewis-a Layne is a guy's name."

Sonic briefly looked horrified.

"Oh, that's a good one!" laughed Sonic airily.

Mario raised his eyebrows.

Sonic cried.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"I'm glad we got the payment issue sorted," said Falco. "But the cavity search was a bit unnecessary."

"Sorry," apologised Dedede.

"Why are you sorry?" asked Falco, confused.

"He let me help, yo," said Dedede quickly. "So, what Detrizzle?"

"What? I mean, Goal. Now _what?_ He let you help?" asked Falco incredulously.

"Wasn't as fun as I hoped, mang," winced Dedede, wiping his hand on a statue.

_Agitha's House_

_Snake and Falcon  
On Goal_

"Hello, little munchkins!" smiled Falcon, walking up to a group of children. "Who wants candy?"

"You'd be a great dad," Snake grinned, as Falcon handed out candy. "If only the courts would let us have children..."

"Us?" asked Falcon blankly.

"I've already picked out names!" sobbed Snake hysterically.

"Mister, are you looking for Agitha?" asked one of the children.

"Can I adopt you?" asked Falcon creepily.

"She lives there!" cried the kid, running away. "Don't hurt me!"

A policeman cleared his throat.

"Aw man, I'm going to jail, aren't I?" sighed Falcon.

_Hyrule Castle_

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Detour!" read Kirby. "Goal or Soul?"

"Which one sounds more epic and death-defying?" asked Meta Knight. "We could use it for our wacky MTV show audition tape...thing!"

"Well, this one has us purging souls..." read Kirby slowly. "But the other one has bugs and a baby with a pyramid scheme! Oh, it's too hard to decide!"

"Oh, the baby, definitely!" decided Meta Knight. "We can pass him off as a celebrity baby and get on the front page of some random celebrity coverage swill commonly read by depressed middle-aged women trying to immerse themselves in pop culture so that they have a conversation piece with their equally depressed, equally middle-aged friends that doesn't involve how they wish they had found happiness instead of being forced to read random celebrity coverage swill!"

"That's the dream!" squealed Kirby happily.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Goal or Soul?" asked Pikachu. "Here, do you want the picture book of Detour choices that came with our clue and only our clue?"

"Oh boy, pictures!" cheered Samus. "Let's see...I want the baby one!"

"Are you sure?" asked Pikachu, disappointed. "Exorcising demons out of this fellow would've been a hoot..."

"Baby!" screeched Samus angrily. "After seven abortions in one month, I deserve to see a baby for once!"

"What?!" demanded Pikachu.

"And then the next month...uh...I met you!" lied Samus quickly.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"I think we should do Goal," said Mr. Game and Watch. "Didn't the military program you with some kind of bug catching protocol?"

"No, I think they installed that program into you," replied ROB.

"I'm not a robot," pointed out Mr. Game and Watch.

"You aren't?" gasped ROB. "Well, I'll just have to fix that! I'll cyborgify you and then we'll be unstoppable! The only thing better than one robot is two robots!"

ROB activated his 'mutilate' function and jumped on Mr. Game and Watch.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in Last Place_

"Okay, soul-purging..." read Ness slowly. "I think that might be easy, we both have degrees in ghostology. I think it might be a simple case."

"There's no such thing as ghostology," sighed Lucas.

"Yes there is!" argued Ness. "In the first class they teach you how to differentiate between ghosts and...poltergeists..."

"No they don't," replied Lucas. "Because ghostology doesn't exist."

"Well, you would know," shrugged Ness. "You graduated top of the class, after all."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" demanded Lucas. "There's no such thing as ghostology, for the last time!"

"I'm going to let that outburst slide," said Ness. "You always did get testy before a huge case study."

"That tears it, we're doing the bug thing!" shouted Lucas.

_Agitha's House_

_Samus and Pikachu  
On Goal_

"Look, honey," smiled Pikachu, entering the house. "Snake and Falcon are hard at work gathering bugs and keeping them safe! It does the heart good to see a couple of fellow do-gooders striving to protect life! That's what Wrightism's all about!"

"Snake and Falcon are gay," pointed out Samus. "Doesn't the religion you're very blatantly ripping off frown on that?"

"I don't know, I'll ask them later," shrugged Pikachu. "I'm just glad other teams are as considerate as we are!"

_Falco and King Dedede  
On Goal_

Falco and King Dedede stumbled into the house, bleeding and full of nails.

"Pikachu!" barked Falco. "Why the hell did you nail us to the fence? We were only two steps ahead of you!"

"Yo, there's rust in my nail woundizzle," groaned Dedede, dying.

"It's just not very considerate!" pouted Falco sulkily, shoving bugs in his pockets.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
On Goal_

"-and now that your bodily fluids are all drained, we'll start inserting the oil-Hey, commies!" grinned ROB nervously, hiding his surgical kit as he noticed everyone else in the house.

Everyone stared at ROB, shocked.

"Operating on my teammate to change him into a ruthless killing machine?" ROB chuckled. "Why would I do something like that? What an outrageous accusation! Haha!"

ROB hastily packed Mr. Game and Watch's hollowed out body with bugs.

_Ness and Lucas  
On Goal_

Ness and Lucas walked in the house and got to work quickly.

"Wait, what are we doing?" asked Ness, puzzled.

"Did you not pay attention to the clue?" replied Lucas indignantly. "We're catching gold bugs to buy the clue from that baby! What were you thinking about instead?"

"Well, I certainly wasn't thinking about the results of our ghostology final," Ness chuckled. "I sure hope I passed, though."

Lucas tried and failed to kill himself.

_Falco and King Dedede  
On Goal_

"I think we have enough bugs," whispered Falco. "Come on...let's quietly sneak out to Malo Mart."

"What if this ain't good enough, yo?" asked Dedede nervously.

"Then we'll make some fake ones," shrugged Falco. "My old sweatshop did that all the time. Any bird that produced a _real_ product actually got beaten."

"Excellent planizzle!" smiled Dedede.

"With a horrible backstory!" sobbed Falco hysterically, rubbing some scars.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
On Goal_

"Hey guys!" shouted Meta Knight obnoxiously, bursting through the front door.

"Where's the baby?" asked Kirby excitedly. "Are we too late to kidnap him and use him for personal gain?"

"You have to collect bugs first," said Lucas.

Kirby and Meta Knight blinked at each other.

"Nature documentary!" shouted Kirby and Meta Knight together, setting up their cameras.

"You have a cameraman," pointed out the cameraman.

_Ness and Lucas  
On Goal_

"Lucas, I need bug-catching tips," grunted Ness, missing another bug. "Can I have some ideas?"

Lucas opened his mouth.

"But nothing that has me shooting myself or letting you drive a bus over my face!" added Ness hastily.

"Rub this wet plug on your chest," suggested Lucas. "Bugs love electricity."

"No!" pouted Ness. "Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me!"

"I'm sure I'll think of something else," shrugged Lucas.

_Snake and Falcon  
On Goal_

"Okay, we've got a lot of bugs here," said Snake, holding up a bag of golden bugs.

Tingle fell out of the bag and posed enticingly.

"Awww, look how cute it is!" cooed Falcon. "Can I keep him?"

"No," Snake frowned. "You've already got one at home. Now come on, let's go to Malo Mart, some of the other teams are nearly done."

_Samus and Pikachu  
On Goal_

"Okay, we might be able to work out an exchange with these," shrugged Pikachu, with a large bag of bugs.

"Thanks for letting us take your friends, Agitha!" beamed Samus. "That was really hot of you!"

"Don't you mean nice?" asked Agitha, scared.

"Agitha's a girl, not a guy," said Pikachu, appalled.

"Fine, it was really attractive of you then," groaned Samus. "Don't mind him...which way is Malo Mart?"

_Malo Mart_

_Falco and King Dedede  
On Goal_

Falco and King Dedede sprinted into the shop and looked around.

"Where Malo at?" asked Dedede frantically.

"Behind the counter," said Malo coldly, too short to be seen.

"I don't see him!" panicked Falco. "He must be on lunch break! We'll come back later, Deeds."

_Agitha's House_

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
On Goal_

"Right, now I've got some lovely golden bugs in me bag here," said Kirby, talking to the camera in a bad accent. "And now, I'm gonna check how lively they are."

Kirby took out a prop stethoscope and jammed it in his bug bag, killing several of them.

"Excellent!" Kirby grinned. "C'mon guys, we're taking them to Malo's Animal Conservation Experience!"

"We're negotiating a name change pre-emptively," explained Meta Knight. "After all, it's us. Malo will be so pleased to see how awesome we are that he'll change the name!"

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
On Goal_

"Forget my diabolically stupid cyborg idea, this is gold!" smiled ROB.

The golden bugs were supporting Mr. Game and Watch's dead body, creating a half-bug half-Game and Watch symbiote.

"I just hope the commies at Malo Mart don't try and reprogram my new bug robot," whispered ROB to himself. "But it's great to have a teammate I can trust!"

The hybrid walked into the door and fell over.

"It's great to have a teammate with a mental capacity too small to comprehend a mutinous scheme!" reiterated ROB.

_Jovani's House_

_Mario and Sonic  
On Soul: 0 Souls Purged_

"Breathe! Breathe!" encouraged Sonic, rubbing Jovani's head. "Just push!"

"It...hurts..." panted Jovani, straining.

"We've been at it for-a pages and pages-a!" panicked Mario. "I can't even remember how long-a ago we got here!"

"I remember it was due to hilarious circumstances that the cameras remembered to film," said Sonic worriedly.

"And we still haven't-a got a single soul-a!" lamented Mario. "We're as useless-a as Aquaman..."

_Peach and Zelda  
On Soul: 0 Souls Purged_

"This isn't going so well," Peach sighed, performing the Heimlich manoeuvre on Jovani.

"Well, we need to try harder!" reprimanded Zelda. "This man's mortality could hang in the balance! I won't rest until I know that Jovani will be safe!"

"Really?" asked Peach.

"Nah, screw him," shrugged Zelda, tossing Jovani back to Mario and Sonic. "Besides, if he dies I'll inherit this fortune as his former monarch, anyway."

_Mario and Sonic  
On Soul: 0 Souls Purged_

"Didn't we do something like this for one of our comic books?" asked Sonic, throwing Jovani idly against a wall.

"That-a was the banned issue!" despaired Mario. "We got it pulled-a for indecent exposure on page three-a, panel five!"

"Stupid souls and their lack of clothes!" cursed Sonic. "Wait, maybe they'll come out if we looked like souls too? Mario, take off your overalls!"

_Peach and Zelda  
On Soul: 0 Souls Purged_

"What are they doing?" asked Zelda.

"It looks like they're-oh, my word!" gasped Peach, shielding her eyes.

POW! BOUNDARIES!

"I see no difference," Zelda frowned, looking at Sonic.

Peach moved Zelda to look at Mario.

"So that's why kissing him's the furthest you go when he saves you!" chuckled Zelda, casually vomiting.

Jovani vomited out one of the souls.

"Get it!" squealed Peach urgently.

"Charge!" bellowed Zelda, diving forward with a vacuum cleaner.

"That'll never work!" shouted Peach.

_Peach and Zelda  
On Soul: 1 Soul Purged_

"Oh..."

_Mario and Sonic  
On Soul: 2 Souls Purged_

"I think that's working!" cheered Sonic. "Mario, keep getting indecent with it!"

Mario proceeded to do a sexy dance.

BAM! STRIP! ALL-TIME LOW!

Jovani began crying, which caused two souls to come out of his eyes.

"I'll use my spirit-proof containment trap!" declared Sonic, trapping the two souls in a bucket.

_Malo Mart_

_Snake and Falcon  
On Goal_

"I wonder why the birds are sitting outside?" wondered Falcon, walking into Malo Mart.

"They discriminated against short people by assuming I wasn't here," said Malo, now standing on the counter. "Let me see your bugs."

Snake drove through the wall of Malo Mart in a fork-lift, delivering a large sack teeming with bugs.

"Is this good enough?" asked Snake. "We felt a little unprepared..."

"You know, about three of these things would have been fine," said Malo shortly. "Here's your clue."

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"You're so to-the-point!" simpered Snake, hugging Malo. "Oh, I could just eat you up!"

"I have guard dogs who could say the same to you," replied Malo, short-tempered.

Snake kissed Malo on the cheek and rocked him gently.

"I don't even look like a baby," Malo frowned quietly. "I look at least five..."

Falcon opened the clue.

"Make your way by cab to Barnes' Bomb Shop in Kakariko Village," read Falcon.

"_Teams must now do whatever the fairy-boy just said to receive their next clue," Crazy Hand yawned, playing with a paddle-ball._

"Let's go!" smiled Falcon.

"Finally," sighed Malo.

"Can I have a picture of you?" asked Snake, stroking Malo's arm.

Malo activated a silent alarm. Snake and Falcon were ravaged by guard dogs and sniper fire.

_Samus and Pikachu  
On Goal_

"Everyone's heading to Malo Mart now!" whined Samus, trying to run. "But the gays are ahead! It's not fair, they don't need to win the race, they should be happy just having each other!"

"What do you mean having each other?" asked Pikachu, sprinting into Malo Mart. "It's not like they'll get married!"

"Well, yes, they will," replied Samus. "In fact, they might already be married!"

"What?!" demanded Pikachu. "We have to put a stop to it! Those heathens will go out and marry women like my free-choice religion dictates they should!"

"Isn't it none of our business?" asked Samus.

"It's always my business!" screeched Pikachu, angrily tearing up his bugs.

_Ness and Lucas  
On Goal_

"This is a close leg," sighed Lucas, wiping away sweat. "I hope we don't crack under the pressure and we stay ahead."

"Crack under the pressure?" repeated Ness. "Okay!"

Ness abruptly had a spasm and starting eating their golden bugs.

"Memo to self: never vocalize your thoughts when travelling with an idiot," sighed Lucas.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
On Goal_

"Okay, Game-Watch bot thingy, kill these guys and cash in our bugs! Posthaste!" commanded ROB.

Mr. Game and Watch's body fell over again, bugs flying everywhere.

"Excellent! Attack that floor!" cheered ROB. "I'll cover you!"

ROB pulled out his shotgun and began murdering random store patrons.

"That bug ate my continuity!" Mr. Game and Watch grinned, hopping to his feet. "I'm cured!"

"Hot damn," smiled ROB. "I'm so bipolar I forgot to be sad that my experimentation with your mortality has failed!"

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Hurry!" sobbed Samus, watching ROB and Mr. Game and Watch assassinate people. "I'm scared!"

"It's okay, I'll protect you!" called Pikachu. "Just let me get this clue first!"

"No, it's not that. Last time I snuck away from you and the cameras, I met this strange man and now I'm itchy!" complained Samus. "I think this time I might have caught something bad!"

"You mean a cold?" asked Pikachu innocently. "Oh look, make your way to Barnes' Bomb Shop! How delightful!"

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Here's your clue," sighed a bored Malo, taking the bugs.

"How much are these things worth anyway?" asked Lucas. "I mean, they're solid gold and native to Hyrule! That's got to be worth a lot."

"Each one has an estimated street value of one million dollars," replied Malo, yawning. "Now I can open branches all over the world. It's an okay deal."

"Wait, if we kept a couple of bugs, we would have a million dollars each!" realised Ness excitedly. "That way, we win!"

"Win?" asked Lucas.

"Yeah, we'd win the race! We'd be the first ones to make a million dollars!" beamed Ness.

"Uh, okay, stop talking now," Lucas frowned, shaking his head. "Idiot...Barnes' Bomb Shop...great..."

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Now that I've got you back, old buddy, I feel calm and collected!" grinned ROB.

"Absolutely," agreed Mr. Game and Watch. "Okay, let's have it, baby thing! We'll take one clue to go, por favor!"

"Oh, you'll love it," smiled Malo sadistically.

ROB opened the clue.

"Make your way to Barnes' Bomb Shop..." read ROB.

Malo set a timer for five seconds.

There was a pause.

The timer went off at the exact same moment both veterans started screaming about terrorists. Shotguns were pulled out and some people may have irreplaceably misplaced their lives.

_Jovani's House_

_Mario and Sonic  
On Soul: 2/4 Souls Purged_

"So after we realised that heroes must never remove clothing in fear of giving away secret identities, Mario and I moved on to another method," Sonic told the camera.

Mario plunged liposuction equipment into Jovani's stomach.

"This-a may hurt a bit!" smiled Mario cheerfully.

"Just remember, if anyone with medical experience asks about the scar and the weight loss, you tripped and fell," threatened Sonic.

_Peach and Zelda  
On Soul: 2/4 Souls Purged_

"Should we tell them about the soul we stole when you tried liposuction on Jovani?" asked Peach, holding some organs.

"I told you, that wasn't liposuction, it was black market surgery!" said Zelda angrily, waving her knif-er, scalpel. "Now shut up, I want to watch this ensuing massacre."

_Barnes' Bomb Shop  
Kakariko Village_

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Oh boy," grinned Falcon. "I loved bombs when I was a kid. Cherry bombs, water bombs..."

"Sex bombs?" asked Snake hopefully. "After all, you're my se-"

"Hello!" interrupted Barnes, holding up a clue. "Are you here for this thing?"

"Yes!" beamed Falcon while Snake cried. "Road Block! Who's good at defusing situations?"

"_A Road Block is a task only one person may perform!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Road Block, that person must go into the storeroom and deactivate live bombs by siphoning out the gunpowder! Then, they must fill one of these eight buckets with the gunpowder. Once the bucket is filled to an acceptable level, teams will receive their next clue!"_

_Snake  
On Road Block_

"You do it," decided Falcon.

Snake nodded and ran into the storeroom.

"Remember not to eat the yellow gunpowder!" called Falcon.

"What?" asked Snake, crouching over a bomb.

"Sorry, thinking of something else," replied Falcon, embarrassed.

Snake poked the bomb, which fell to pieces immediately.

"What are these things made of?" wondered Snake, confused.

"Cloth!" called Barnes, blinking unfocusedly.

"This place is so primitive," pouted Snake, scooping up the gunpowder with his bucket. "But the fabric is so cute! Designer bombs are worth it!"

_Malo Mart_

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

The birds furiously stomped into Malo Mart, throwing a tantrum.

"So you're Malo?" yelled Falco, leaning over the counter. "Why didn't you say anything when we first got here? We thought you were gone!"

"Yes, because apparently being short equates you to somebody who's missing," fumed Malo. "Way to discriminate, you racist."

There was a brief pause.

"We love you, mang!" sobbed Dedede, handing over the bugs.

"Finally someone who shares the pain of discrimination!" cried Falco. "Please, give us the clue, new best friend!"

Malo activated a silent alarm. Falco and King Dedede were ravaged by guard dogs and sniper fire.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

Kirby and Meta Knight slowly walked backwards into Malo Mart.

"Where have you guys been?" asked Falco, passing by.

"We've been walking like this the whole way," explained Kirby proudly. "We have to make sure we're looking at the camera at all times!"

"We're making a documentary!" chimed in Meta Knight.

Falco and Dedede left, bewildered.

"They'll never get it," scoffed Kirby. "Are you Malo?"

"Yes," replied Malo.

"Awesome!" Kirby grinned. "We're taking you to live with us, Chantalquafette!"

"You're our celebrity baby!" beamed Meta Knight.

"Is there a reason my new name is so screwed up and stupid-sounding?" asked Malo, handing over the clue.

"You're a celebrity baby," repeated Meta Knight.

"Granted," nodded Malo. "Just give me your bugs."

Malo activated a silent alarm. Kirby and Meta Knight were ravaged by guard dogs and sniper fire.

"Or let me do that," shrugged Malo.

_Jovani's House_

_Mario and Sonic  
On Soul: 3/4 Souls Purged_

"!eno a-rehtona toG" exclaimed Mario happily, removing the liposuction equipment.

"!tfel eno ylnO !emosewA!" grinned Sonic.

Mario and Sonic removed their super-decoders.

"I'm so glad our decoders from the cereal boxes still work," Sonic grinned. "Now we can hold super-conferences without anyone else deciphering our plans!"

"It's-a foolproof!" cackled Mario. "We can destroy-a the world with these decoders-a!"

...

"I mean save-a," laughed Mario nervously.

_Peach and Zelda  
On Soul: 3/4 Souls Purged_

"Looks like there's still some extra souls in him after all," laughed Zelda, pulling her arm out of Jovani's ear.

"Wow, how disgusting," nodded Peach. "I can't believe there was one inside his ear!"

"Uh oh, I may have given him the ability to hear what's going on," worried Zelda, as Jovani's head moved around curiously. "Don't worry, I'll fix it!"

Zelda drew a picture of a soul and attempted to shove it down Jovani's ear canal.

It didn't work.

_Kakariko Village_

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"Pikachu, look! The bomb shop's over here!" beamed Samus, sprinting through the village. "Pikachu?"

Pikachu furiously stormed out of one of the houses.

"Get this!" fumed Pikachu. "There's not one Wrightist in this place! Everyone here is a NESbyterian!"

"Is there really a difference?" asked Samus.

"Nah, they're both fake," shrugged Pikachu.

"We're still rolling," said the cameraman.

"They're both real!" quipped Pikachu quickly.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Road Block!" read Lucas. "Do you want to do it?"

"My gut reaction is to say no," shrugged Ness. "Don't you think it's something you should do?"

"But handling ammunition can get so dirty!" retorted Lucas. "How many quarts of sanitizer do you think I have?"

"Five thousand?" guessed Ness.

"Six million and counting!" beamed Lucas proudly, showing off the contents of his bag. "I'll Block the crap out of this Road!"

Lucas threateningly doused his hands in sanitizer, and tore off into the storeroom.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Look at this bomb salesman," scoffed ROB. "We'll have to convince him to conform to our proletarian ways on the double! None of this self-made commie crap."

"Hey fellas!" waved Barnes. "If you'd like, your clues are right here! You're the third ones here, you're doing mighty swell!"

"You will lay down your arms!" bellowed Mr. Game and Watch, pulling out his shotgun.

"Just take a clue!" panicked Barnes.

"Don't give me orders, you turnip-eating commie!" yelled Mr. Game and Watch. "For your insolence, I think I'll steal one of these fancy yellow envelopes you have here!"

Mr. Game and Watch stole a clue and opened it.

"Road Block!" read Mr. Game and Watch. "You do it, ROB."

ROB broke down the wall and activated his bomb defusing program.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"We could have been in second place if you hadn't stopped to convert those NESbyterians!" whined Samus, taking a clue. "Road Block!"

"Oh please," scoffed Pikachu. "Like you've never slowed this team down!"

"I haven't!" pouted Samus. "And I'm going to do this Road Block to show you how quick I am!"

"Fine!" Pikachu shouted. "There won't be anyone stopping you!"

"And if you try to become more popular than me I'll tell all the cheerleaders that you kissed that foreign exchange student with the hairlip!" shouted Samus.

"Uh, what?" asked Pikachu.

"Sorry, I'm not used to arguing out in the real world," admitted Samus, walking into the storeroom.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

The birds sprinted into the bomb shop.

"Oh good, everyone's still close together," panted Falco, clutching a stitch in his side.

"Road Blizzle," read Dedede. "I'll do it, looks like I is ruinin' bombs and movin' gunpowda',"

"Oh sure, more manual labor tasks for the birds," scoffed Falco.

"Uh, I think every team does this, dawg," pointed out Dedede.

"Don't feel bad," smiled Barnes. "Far away in Hyrule, there's an all-bird tribe known as the Rito,"

"Sounds good," grinned Falco, as Dedede charged into the storeroom.

"Yeah, they're our slaves for mail!" Barnes chuckled.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Road Block!" read Kirby.

"Looks pretty physically draining," noted Meta Knight, watching the five Smashers frantically scoop up gunpowder from disarmed bombs. "You better do it!"

Kirby tentatively walked into the storeroom.

"How am I supposed to fix this bomb?" asked Kirby, leaning against the same type of defusing equipment everyone else was using.

"I don't know!" called Meta Knight. "Eat it like you normally do!"

_Snake  
On Road Block_

Snake ran back into the main room, clutching a bucket of gunpowder.

"Is this good enough?" asked Snake.

"No, not enough, I'm sorry," replied Barnes.

"Keep going honey, I believe in you!" called Falcon.

"You're not fooling anyone," hissed Pikachu. "Your kind sickens me. Immoral freaks."

_Samus  
On Road Block_

Samus came out next, with a tiny amount of gunpowder.

"Mr. Barnes, I hope you let me get away with this amount," cooed Samus seductively.

"I don't think so!" Barnes chuckled. "You need more gunpowder."

"Please?" asked Samus, sensually 'adjusting' her tank top. "For me?"

"I don't even know you!" laughed Barnes. "Come on, get back in there!"

"What are you gonna do if I don't?" flirted Samus.

Samus made an extremely unflattering gesture.

"Dude, aren't you offended by this?" asked Ness, nudging Pikachu without taking his eyes off of Samus.

"This is nothing," scoffed Pikachu. "The gunpowder miner-girl's fine enough, but the sexiest roleplay she ever did was back home. Witch girl and pilgrim boy....I got to burn her at the stake."

"And _I'm_ immoral?" asked Falcon, the only one not watching Samus.

_King Dedede  
On Road Block_

"Siphon the crap out of that bomb!" screeched Falco. "Move faster, slave!"

King Dedede smashed the bomb with his hammer, sending gunpowder flying everywhere.

"What the hell are you doing?" fumed Falco.

"Yo, y'all are bein' harsh!" argued Dedede, putting some of the gunpowder in his bucket.

"It's because you're a bird!" screamed Falco. "Deal with it!"

Everyone stared at Falco, shocked.

"It's not racist because I'm a bird too," laughed Falco.

Everyone made noises of approval and understanding. Uh, maybe not approval.

_Lucas  
On Road Block_

"Ow!" cried Lucas, rubbing his eyes frantically.

"What did you do?" asked Ness, worried.

"Dedede smashed that bomb and I got gunpowder in my eye!" cried Lucas. "And I think it's reacting with the sanitizer on my hands! Oh god, I've been blinded! I don't think I'll ever see again!"

"And that's a bad thing?" asked Ness.

"Yes!" shouted Lucas, stumbling around with his gunpowder bucket. "I won't be able to do half the stuff on the race now!"

"Pfft, whatever, deaf people can do fine, blindies can too," scoffed Ness.

Lucas walked into a wall and fell over, still moving his legs in a walking motion.

_Kirby  
On Road Block_

Kirby ate the bomb.

"Huzzah! I am Bomb Kirby!" declared Kirby proudly.

"Great!" called Meta Knight. "Now defuse yourself and get all the gunpowder out!"

Kirby thought for a moment.

"Will this work?" asked Kirby.

Kirby stabbed himself and poured the aftermath into a bucket.

"This might be special red gunpowder that happens to be liquid," shrugged Kirby, dying painfully.

_Snake  
On Road Block_

"Barnes, Falcon, enemy team members, I'm back!" cheered Snake enthusiastically, clutching a bucket brimming with gunpowder. "Dedede smashed one of his bombs, and the flying gunpowder filled my bucket right up!"

"Congratulations!" smiled Barnes.

"I have fantasies where you're far more muscular and have the head of a kitty!" smiled Falcon creepily.

...

"Here's your clue!" smiled Barnes uneasily.

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Make your way to the next pit stop, Goron Mines!" read Snake and Falcon together, as all the other team members swore angrily in their general direction.

"_Teams must now travel to the Goron Mines, located in Death Mountain!" said Crazy Hand. "This fire-themed dungeon is the most magnetic part of Death Mountain, a feature that Link once made great use of with his Iron Boots! The last team to check in here may be eliminated!"_

"Let's get a cab, quick!" urged Falcon, running out of the bomb shop.

"Wait, if I'm a cat-headed muscle boy, what do you see yourself as?" asked Snake, puzzled.

"A four-foot tall eleven year old girl," revealed Falcon. "Who has a beard."

"Dude, you're weird," replied Snake, pretending to not have a clue what Falcon was talking about.

_Kirby  
On Road Block_

"Come on, Kirby!" called Meta Knight. "Everyone else here is alive! Quit slacking off and start hauling gunpowder!"

"It's not my fault I died!" argued Kirby's ghost. "You're the one who told me to eat the bomb!"

"Just hurry," replied Meta Knight. "Other teams are finishing!"

"I don't have solid hands!" whined Kirby. "I can't pick up anything!"

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"I did the powder thing all by myself!" grinned Samus, dashing up to Barnes' counter. "Lookie, mister!"

"Well, that's over the necessary amount needed," said Barnes. "Empty it and start over."

"What?" asked Samus, dismayed.

"Ah, I'm just foolin'" laughed Barnes cheerfully. "Have a clue!"

"Make your way to the next pit stop!" smiled Samus, beckoning Pikachu over.

"What place did we come in last time?" asked Pikachu.

"Uh...seventh," remembered Samus.

"Then this is much better!" smiled Pikachu. "I'm sorry I doubted you this leg, honey!"

Pikachu began whipping himself.

"I'm sorry, please forgive me!" cried Pikachu, looking skyward.

"Silly, I'm not up there," giggled Samus. "Let's get out of here!"

"I have sinned!" bellowed Pikachu into the heavens (the ceiling). "I have doubted my woman!"

_Jovani's House_

_Peach and Zelda  
On Soul: All Souls Purged_

"I'm getting rather tired of beating up this old man until he vomits out a soul," Zelda frowned.

"You didn't make it very fair," said Peach. "You nailed Mario and Sonic to the wall!"

"They shouldn't have got in the way of my nailgun," snapped Zelda.

"They didn't!" pointed out Peach. "You locked on to them!"

"I've had enough of this!" shouted Jovani. He reached into his throat and pulled out a soul. "Take it!"

Jovani picked up his cat, who had eight clues taped to it.

"And a clue!" continued Jovani. "Just get out! I'm tired of you arguing and whining! Just leave!"

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"...Make your way to Barnes' Bomb Shop!" read Zelda. "Oh, that'll be fun."

"I'm going to die at least nineteen times," Peach sighed.

"You're doing it again!" shouted Jovani. "Just hurry up and get out of my house! Faking a coma and putting fake souls in all different parts of my body was _not_ worth this!"

"Being last was not worth this," retorted Zelda.

"But we're ahead of the superheroes," pointed out Peach.

"Don't ruin my awesome comeback!" screeched Zelda, biting Peach's neck.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in Last Place_

"Are we allowed to stay?" asked Sonic tentatively.

"Sonic-a, you idiot, we want to leave-a," whispered Mario.

"No!" fumed Jovani. "Here, take this and leave!"

Jovani pulled another soul from his throat.

"But we can't-a leave!" panicked Mario. "Those vile mistresses imprisoned-a us with their Nailgun of Sharpness-a!"

"The fiends," agreed Sonic. "Can you pry us off?"

"Don't you have super powers?" raged Jovani. "All I've heard the last few hours from you two is about how you're awesome superheroes! Start proving it for once!"

"P-proving it?" stuttered Sonic nervously.

"Exactly! Stop talking the talk and start walking the walk!" shouted Jovani.

Mario and Sonic joined hands, and used their Super Strengthitude (patent pending) to tear down the entire wall they were nailed to.

Jovani's house fell apart.

"We did-a it!" grinned Mario. "We're awesome-a superheroes!"

"We can finally add Super Strengthitude to our resumes without it being a lie!" cheered Sonic.

"Less talking about the walking!" shouted Jovani, muffled by rubble. "Take your clue and die!"

"Make your way to Barnes' Bomb Shop," read Sonic. "C'mon, buddy! 'sgo!"

Mario and Sonic slowly hobbled away, the wall still nailed to their backs.

_Barnes' Bomb Shop_

_King Dedede  
On Road Block_

"Come on Deeds!" cheered Falco. "That dude said that Samus had some excess gunpowder! Just steal some of hers!"

"Yo, bro, that's uneffickle!" protested Dedede.

"Seriously, has any of the treatment _we've_ endured seemed ethical to you?" challenged Falco.

Dedede thought for a moment, and then promptly went over to Samus' abandoned bucket to steal some gunpowder.

"That's more like it!" Falco grinned, clapping enthusiastically.

_Kirby  
On Road Block_

"I'm still struggling here!" Kirby despaired. "Who'd have thought being dead was so hard?"

"Ghosts can possess things, can't they?" shouted Meta Knight. "Possess the bucket and find a way to hobble over here and finish!"

"Well, if you're sure it'll work," shrugged Kirby.

Kirby's ghost entered the bucket, merging with it.

Nothing happened.

Canned laughter.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Man, stealin' is a rush, yo!" declared King Dedede, striding up to Barnes with a gunpowder-filled bucket.

"What did you say?" asked Barnes, alarmed.

"I said I love the Constitutionizzle," said Dedede hastily. "Can I has my clue now, dawg?"

Barnes reluctantly handed King Dedede his clue.

"Make your way to the next pit stop," read Falco in a much more aesthetically pleasing dialect. "Warning, last team to check in may be eliminated..."

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"And that's the story of how I completed the Road Block," finished ROB.

"You have to tell me the story before you say that," said Mr. Game and Watch. "Now relay this intel on the double! That's an order, private!"

"Sir yes sir!" saluted ROB. "So I activated my defuser function, when I decided it would be far easier and stylistically advantageous to craft some kind of mechanised robot to hand me the gunpowder from my own shotgun! Heh heh, that old Barnes won't know the difference!"

"Here's your clue," said Barnes quickly.

"See?" chuckled ROB.

"Ingenious!" beamed Mr. Game and Watch. "So, where's this robot you built?"

"That's the next phase of my elaborately diabolical scheme!" continued ROB. "I programmed it to look exactly like a bucket! I pulled the old switcheroo with that pink feller Kirby's bucket, and gave my robot strict instructions to be completely insubordinate towards Kirby! It's quite positively the greatest thing I have ever done."

"Did you guys film it?" Mr. Game and Watch excitedly asked the cameramen.

"Yeah, because it was true," scoffed the cameraman.

"Hot damn with hell seasoning!" exclaimed Mr. Game and Watch ecstatically. "I can't wait to go home and watch that!"

_Kakariko Village_

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"I can't believe it," beamed Pikachu, sitting in the cab. "A couple of mediocre legs, and then you go out and rock a single task and we're up at the front of the pack. Samus, I love you!"

"I'd just grab you and kiss you if I weren't so contagious and disease-ridden!" Samus grinned.

"Aww, poor baby," teased Pikachu. "I'm sure your cold will clear up at the pit stop!"

"Yes...cold..." chuckled Samus, shifting uncomfortably.

_Barnes' Bomb Shop_

_Lucas  
On Road Block_

"Barnes? Is this you?" asked Lucas tentatively, feeling around in a blind panic.

"Yes, and scraping your bucket along the floor actually netted you a nearly acceptable amount of gunpowder!" smiled Barnes. "Still not enough, I'm afraid!"

Lucas tried to bang his bucket against the desk in frustration.

Lucas missed and hit himself in the face.

Gunpowder fell out of Lucas' eyes into the bucket.

"I can see!" cheered Lucas.

"Acceptable limit!" smiled Barnes, handing Lucas the clue.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Make your way to the next pit stop!" Lucas grinned excitedly. "Ness, come on. Are you ready to go?"

"That was the longest month of my life," groaned Ness.

"Month?" asked Lucas. "I'd only been in there for about an hour!"

"Well from back here, it felt more like sixty minutes!" argued Ness. "Are we going or not?"

_Kirby  
On Road Block_

"Is controlling the bucket working?" asked Meta Knight frantically. "I don't hear any ominous music!"

"No, there's some kind of robot in this bucket!" cried Kirby, reappearing as a ghost. "It looks like we're stuck here!"

"I can't believe it," groaned Meta Knight, facing the camera. "All the other teams have left. The two teams that did the other Detour must have checked in by now. Looks like we won't last long enough to get our own show after all..."

"How come I don't get to be alive right after dying like all the other racers?" raged Kirby to nobody in particular.

Kirby angrily floated through the wall and up to Barnes.

"Barnes, can't you just come through and look at my bucket?" asked Kirby. "Why should I have to come to you?"

"I'm paralyzed and can't leave the desk," said Barnes sadly.

Kirby looked apologetic.

"Naaah, I'm just foolin'!" laughed Barnes. "Let's see..."

Barnes produced a telescope and looked at the bucket robot from his desk.

"Nope, you're not even close to full, kid!" Barnes chuckled.

"Kirby!" called Meta Knight, getting an idea due to exposed radiation from standing under a lightbulb for too long. "Possess one of the used buckets and fight the bucket robot for possession of the gunpowder!"

"That'll never work," scoffed Kirby.

_Kakariko Village_

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

Snake and Falcon's cab grinded to a halt.

"What the hell?" demanded Falcon angrily. "Why are you stopping?!"

"Look!" exclaimed Snake.

Tingle, Knuckle, Ankle, David Jr, and the other one were marching through Kakariko Village, chanting something about being here, queer, and how everyone else should get used to it.

"Tingle's pride march," explained the cab driver. "Is it Thursday already?"

"That is a stupid idea!" fumed Snake.

"That is a top notch concept!" smiled Falcon at the same time.

Both men thought about what they had said.

"That is a stupid idea!" fumed Falcon.

"That is a top notch concept!" smiled Snake at the same time.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"Hey look, the march has already started," chuckled the cab driver. "Yeah, uh, this'll be added to your meter, guys."

"What's the march for?" asked Samus.

"Is it for a disease?" asked Pikachu. "Because let me tell you, nothing feels better than donating to a worthy cause! Are these nice young men being sponsored per mile or what?"

"No, actually, it's a gay pride march," explained the cab driver.

"Gay guys never like it when I entertain them," Samus sighed.

"Abominations, the lot of them!" declared Pikachu angrily. He rolled down the window. "Off the road, fairies!"

"Isn't this all hypocritical?" asked Samus. "I mean, nowhere in that holy instruction manual of yours does it mention Dr. Wright being married or thinking sexually of any woman at all!"

"Shut your filthy mouth," said Pikachu icily.

"What?" asked Samus, pulling out her earphones and turning off her iPod.

"Love you, sweetie!" smiled Pikachu defensively.

_Barnes' Bomb Shop_

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

Kirby possessed one of the used buckets, fought the bucket robot for possession of the gunpowder, and won.

"What?" demanded Kirby. "I can do things against my will between scenes, but I can't be alive?"

"Why are you talking to the cameraman?" asked Meta Knight, puzzled. "He can't answer that."

Kirby was alive.

"Okay, I'm done complaining," Kirby grinned, enjoying his new body. "So Barnes, is this good enough?"

"Terrible," announced Barnes. "Nah, I'm lying, here's your clue!"

"Make your way to the next pit stop," read Kirby. "Get ready to be eliminated."

"Got it," nodded Meta Knight, pulling out his Wilhelm scream soundboard.

"....Do you really need a soundboard for one effect?" asked Kirby.

_Kakariko Village_

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"Why are we doing this?" asked Snake, at the front of Tingle's pride march.

"I know what you mean," replied Falcon, bringing up the rear. "All the other teams are going to catch up!"

"No, I mean why are we doing _this_?" asked Snake again. "We've got nothing to hide!"

"Oh relax!" scoffed Falcon. "Loosen up and have fun!"

Snake shrugged and began enjoying the pride march.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"I have a plan!" declared Pikachu. "This plan will allow us to make up for lost time!"

"What is it?" asked Samus excitedly.

Pikachu took control of the cab and violently burst through the march.

"That," replied Pikachu.

"Cool," smiled Samus.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Please hurry," urged Falco, while Dedede nervously looked out for other cabs. "We'll tip you to break the speed limit. It's an emergency!"

"This money is counterfeit," replied the driver, without looking at it.

"No it isn't!" insisted Falco. "Would a bank really give me counterfeit money?"

"Think about it, yo," said Dedede.

"Well, yes...yes they would..." sighed Falco. "But my point remains valid! You should really speed up!"

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"It's impossible to catch up now, Lucas," said Ness grimly. "The other teams are bound to have worked a faster route through all this traffic! Damn them! They've probably all checked in by now!"

"Calm down," replied Lucas. "Hey, for all we know, we could be in first or second place!"

"Well we're last!" argued Ness. "I guess we just weren't good enough at co-operating."

"Hey, how about this," offered Lucas. "We wait until we see another team in front of us before going around assuming the worst, okay?"

"But the other teams won't be visible to the naked eye!" said Ness. "I bet they're so far ahead that they've vanished into slipspace or something, tearing the fabrics of reality at the seams!"

"Oh, come on," scoffed Lucas.

"And the teams that have already been eliminated have been called in to replace the renegade time-space bandit teams," continued Ness.

"What?" asked Lucas, bewildered.

"Anyway, we're last. It's sad," concluded Ness.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"You know, I've really taken a shine to that Ness kid," said ROB.

"Really?" asked Mr. Game and Watch. "That could prove strategically advantageous!"

"Yeah, I was sharing some of our theories with him," replied ROB.

"Do you think he could lend me his brisket?" asked Mr. Game and Watch. "I don't think I ever got mine back after all those robotic experiments you did on me."

_Barnes' Bomb Shop_

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Road Block!" read Peach.

"Have fun, you're doing it," snarled Zelda.

"You know, you'll have to do one eventually, Miss Zelda!" chuckled Peach.

"Don't you _dare_ tell me what to do," threatened Zelda.

Peach nervously chuckled and went into the storeroom.

"And don't think I'm letting you keep any of that gunpowder!" hollered Zelda. "If I even suspect that you're trying to overthrow me by choking me with sweet-tasting powder, all hell will break loose."

"Why would I do that?" asked Peach, scooping some gunpowder into a bucket.

"Good question!" shouted Zelda. "Why are you doing it now? Don't think I can't see you stockpiling all that gunpowder in that flimsy bucket!"

"That's what I'm supposed to do!" called Peach.

Zelda cursed and began formulating a strategy.

_Death Mountain_

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"Forcing your way through that march was a great plan!" beamed Samus, as the cab swerved onto the Death Mountain trail. "I don't think anyone else thought of that?"

"Not everyone's as devoted as I am," Pikachu chuckled.

"I guess not!" laughed Samus.

"Stop laughing this instant and take your shoes off," ordered Pikachu at once. "For all we know, this could be some kind of holy mountain temple we're visiting."

"The clue says it's a mine," said Samus.

"Well, it's also a pit stop," replied Pikachu. "And that's nearly as important."

_Kakariko Village_

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"Um, excuse me, Tingle?" asked Falcon, worriedly looking around. "Where exactly does this march go, anyway?"

"We're going to the Fairy Fountain!" cheered Tingle merrily. "We're going to show the Great Fairy that we're not scared of her all-female fountains any more!"

"Can my friend and I stop off at Death Mountain?" asked Falcon.

"Of course not!" snapped Tingle. "The Gorons are a hateful race!"

"But we're not really gay, we're just pretending to be for these cameras," revealed Snake.

The march grinded to a halt, and everyone glared at Snake and Falcon.

"Out of this pride march!" ordered Tingle.

"I've never felt so embarrassed!" screeched Linebeck.

"You don't deserve to be in the Homosexual Hylian Hierarchy!" shouted Vaati, removing Snake and Falcon's 'HHH' crests.

_Death Mountain_

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

Pikachu suddenly bolted upright in his cab seat.

"What is it?" asked Samus, alarmed.

"I...feel something," replied Pikachu. "It's almost as if Wright himself has given two people we know a second chance at normality."

"If you seriously mean what I think you mean, then you're the most offensive jerk I know," said Samus angrily.

"Your next provocative scenario, ma'am," said a race executive, handing Samus a cue card.

"Oh goody, there are props this time!" squealed Samus.

_Kakariko Village_

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Pull over!" called Snake, from the side of the road.

"Should I help that guy?" asked the cab driver.

"What do you thinkizzle?" asked Dedede.

"Ah, what the heck, right? Snake and Falcon haven't really been intolerant of our race much," shrugged Falco.

Snake and Falcon walked up to the window, and Falco promptly rolled it down.

"Thanks so much, here's my card," smiled Falcon, handing Falco his ID.

"What the hell is this?" demanded Falco.

"Isn't that like a customary greeting thing for your peop-"

Falco brought up the window and demanded that the driver speed up.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Looks like the fairy boys have themselves a problem pot on the front burner of calamity," noticed Mr. Game and Watch.

"There's no problem!" scoffed ROB. "They've merely conspired to destroy us to ensure that they can win this leg unscathed! I bet they've been trading secret instructions on how to rig all of our cabs with explosives without alerting anybody! Diabolical!"

"We need to take them out and save the day!" declared Mr. Game and Watch. "Heck, I bet we'll get promoted if we do that!"

"They're expecting that," argued ROB. "No, I think the best idea is simply to point at them, laugh and-"

"-We passed those two guys already," said the cab driver. "They've decided to melodramatically walk to Death Mountain."

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Face it Lucas," said Ness grimly. "The race is effectively over for us."

"If that's true, why are Snake and Falcon down there?" asked Lucas, pointing at Snake and Falcon, who were dejectedly walking through the gutters.

"That's not them!" argued Ness. "They're shape-shifting aliens brought here by the tear in reality!"

"But if the tear in reality was caused by time and space falling apart, that would affect aliens too," sighed Lucas.

"But reality broke!" screamed Ness, annoyed. "That's why unrealistic things are happening! You're so _stupid_, Lucas!"

"So why haven't we been affected in any way possible or impossible?" asked Lucas.

"Because we're on top of a continually moving nexus point in the space time continuum!" bellowed Ness. "Are you even _listening_?"

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"Look, there's Snake and Falcon," noticed Meta Knight. "They were in first! This is great!"

"Let's pick them up," decided Kirby. "We'll be nominated for Humanitarian awards, and you just _know_ that's where the real money is these days!"

Kirby and Meta Knight made a lasso out of piano wire and waved it towards Snake and Falcon.

"Oh my god, they're going to kill us!" cried Falcon, diving out of the razor-sharp wire's path.

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!" sobbed Snake, flailing his wrists.

"Maybe we should just let them use the door," said Meta Knight.

"Whatever," shrugged Kirby.

Kirby opened the cab door, and roughly forced Snake and Falcon inside.

_Barnes' Bomb Shop_

_Peach  
On Road Block_

"Don't you dare bring that through here!" screeched Zelda, aiming all her guns at Peach's gunpowder bucket.

"But it's the only way we'll progress through the race!" said Peach. "Excuse me, Barnes? Do you have security guards or anything?"

"This is a bomb shop!" laughed Barnes. "We don't need security! Hahaha!"

Zelda punched a hole through the door. Peach cried.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in Last Place_

"Road Block-a!" read Mario.

"Well, I guess I'll do it," decided Sonic. "I'm the one with the super intelligence required to defuse bombs, after all."

"Good call-a," nodded Mario. "Plus I'm-a still nailed to this wall-a."

"I got the super strength too," Sonic grinned. "Who knew I'd be able to gnaw through my own arms to break free successfully in such a short amount of time?"

Sonic beamed proudly.

Sonic realised something.

"Crap..." sighed the armless Sonic, walking through the hole Zelda was scratching into the door.

_Goron Mines_

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Why did we drive down the inside of a mountain in a cab anyway?" asked Pikachu, getting out.

"Silly Pikachu, walking is for old people!" Samus chuckled. "But just look at how pretty this place is!"

A bubble of lava popped next to a stalagmite, which fell straight into the lava lake, destroying several decaying rope bridges.

"Beautiful," beamed Samus.

"Look, there's Crazy Hand!" noticed Pikachu. "It's a good thing we didn't have to use any of those rope bridges."

Samus and Pikachu walked across a tightrope and onto the mat.

"Samus and Pikachu, you're team number one!" grinned Crazy Hand. "And as the winners of this fourth leg of the race, you've won a trip for two from Travelocity to Travelocity Headquarters!"

Samus and Pikachu's faces quickly alternated between joy and confusion.

_Barnes' Bomb Shop_

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"You'll never finish this Road Block now that I've made a hole in the door!" cackled Zelda.

Peach handed Barnes her gunpowder bucket through the hole in the door.

"Lucky shot," scoffed Zelda.

Barnes handed Peach the clue through the hole in the door.

"It's his shop, of course he knows tricks like that," shrugged Zelda.

Peach climbed through the hole and opened the clue.

"Make your way to the next pit stop!" read Peach.

"Don't you _dare_ tell me what to do," hissed Zelda.

"Didn't you do that bit already?" asked Peach.

Zelda stabbed Peach.

"I _know_ you've done that one before!" laughed Peach, bleeding.

_Sonic  
On Road Block_

"Hmm..." Sonic thought to himself. "Now how can I defuse a bomb without any arms...."

"Use your psychic-a powers?" suggested Mario.

"That's a terrible idea!" shouted Sonic, constricting Mario's windpipe with his mind. "But maybe, just maybe, I can exert enough force to shoot a quill from my back into the roof, piercing a tiny hole that would be sufficiently capable of focusing the sun's rays on this bomb if I kick it to one specific angle in relation to the roof-hole?"

Sonic was thinking so hard about his plan that his psychic powers broke one of the bombs, rendering it unarmed.

"Maybe I can also figure out why I have psychic powers now..." Sonic mused. "Is it because I'm awesome, or because everyone else is lame? Hmm..."

Sonic was thinking so hard about his awesomocity that his psychic powers levitated the unarmed bomb's gunpowder through the bomb's casing and into his bucket.

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

"Ha, look at Sonic," scoffed Zelda, walking towards the exit. "He's just standing there, thinking. What an idiot!"

"Why did you nail Mario and Sonic to that wall, anyway?" asked Peach.

"What did I tell you about feeling sympathy for the other teams?" screeched Zelda.

"No, I'm asking because the wall's blocking our way out," said Peach.

"It's just a persistent air pocket!" bellowed Zelda. "Now, onward to future victory!"

Zelda was walking into the wall nailed to Mario's back. Repeatedly.

"Are you guys-a talking about me?" asked Mario, turning around.

The wall turned around with Mario, knocking Peach and Zelda forcefully out of the bomb shop and into a cab.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in Last Place_

"Mario, look!" grinned Sonic. "My psychic powers are helping me do this task! Who needs arms, right? Arms are for sissies!"

Sonic proudly forced the door open with his mind, and telekinetically slammed the gunpowder bucket onto Barnes' desk.

"Uh, yeah, that's enough," said Barnes, without looking.

"Wow-a!" beamed Mario. "You've really perfected those-a psychic powers-a!"

"Yeah, I know!" smiled Sonic. "Oh, hang on a sec."

Sonic used his expertly-trained healing powers to re-grow his arms and safely free Mario from the wall in about five seconds.

"Now we're ready to go, super pal!" grinned Sonic.

Mario looked vaguely confused about something.

_Goron Mines_

"I'm tired of all the check-ins being so peaceful," complained Crazy Hand. "It's boring! I think I might cancel the series if teams don't start arriving here in a more dynamic fashion."

Nothing happened.

"I said, the show's over if nothing exciting happens!" called Crazy Hand pointedly.

Nothing happened.

"Dammit," Crazy Hand sighed. "Alright, just give the million dollars to that freaky preacher dude and his surprisingly easy bimb-"

A car burst through the rock wall, screeching across the floor and coming to a halt at the edge of the lava lake.

"Is that it?" Crazy Hand yawned.

A second car peacefully drove through the entrance to the mines. The team enthusiastically waved from inside.

A third car reared up and over the second, crushing it. The third car landed in front of the second, and crushed it against the wall of the mines. The second car drove up the side of the mine wall, and shot straight at the third car.

A fourth car sped through the entrance, knocking the third car out of the way. As the second crushed the fourth, the third car careened helplessly towards the first car, still perched at the lake of lava. The first car was sent flying into the air, slamming against the mine roof. It landed on the wrecks of the second and fourth, causing scrap metal to go flying everywhere, including through the windows of the third car.

Snake and Falcon were shoved out of the fourth car, looking thoroughly disoriented.

"Thanks for the ride, guys..." called Falcon uncertainly.

Kirby and Meta Knight did not respond, instead focusing on destroying all of the other cars. Falco and King Dedede hastily got out of the first car and tackled Snake and Falcon. ROB ripped scrap metal out of his face and burst out of the third car, throwing Mr. Game and Watch at Ness and Lucas, who were escaping from the second car.

Snake desperately grabbed Falcon's hand and pulled him out from under King Dedede's girth. Kirby and Meta Knight merrily skipped past all of the car wreckage. Snake then turned around and sprayed perfume in Kirby's eyes. Kirby fell over and began to bleed.

With a guttural battle cry, ROB got back into his car and drove it over Meta Knight, as Mr. Game and Watch threw his shotgun at Kirby, causing it to go off on Meta Knight's foot. Snake tossed King Dedede's body behind and stopped down to pick Falcon up in a romantic yet unnecessary fireman's lift. Ness picked Lucas up and tried to use him to club the other teams with, but Snake span around on one foot and hit Lucas in the face with a missile, killing him.

As Snake turned around to reach for the pit stop, Falco furiously pecked the back of his knee. Falcon squealed and jumped onto Crazy Hand for protection. King Dedede shakily got up and put on his brass knuckles, but Snake did that RPG-straight-down smash attack he does, blowing Dedede backwards. With a loud caw, Falco took flight and glided gracefully onto the pit stop.

Snake and King Dedede repeatedly tossed grenades and Waddle Dees at each other. King Dedede eventually noticed that Snake had run out of Waddle Dees, and headed for the pit stop. Snake desperately planted a C4 on his back, and detonated it. The explosion startled Mr. Game and Watch, who ran at King Dedede with a broken beer bottle. During the confusion, Snake ran onto the pit stop, sharing a high five with Falcon.

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch threw King Dedede into the air, and pulled out their shotguns. Both veterans were bowled over by Lucas' corpse, thrown by Ness. Ness excitedly laid out a trampoline for King Dedede to land on. He forgot to pull it away for comic effect, and King Dedede bounced onto the pit stop. ROB hastily put Lucas' corpse in his rations bag, and stuck a bayonet into the ground, using it to pole vault onto the pit stop.

Mr. Game and Watch tripped Ness up and gave him a wedgie before joining ROB.

Ness sadly walked onto the mat, followed by Kirby and Meta Knight, who had pried themselves out from under the car.

"Weren't these cabs moments ago?" asked Kirby. "Where are our cab dri-"

"Snake and Falcon, Falco and King Dedede, ROB and Mr. Game and Watch, Ness and Lucas, Kirby and Meta Knight, you're team numbers two, three, four, five, and six respectively!" said Crazy Hand, stunned.

Lucas was the only one there who was dead.

_Kakariko Village_

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

"This is really nerve-wracking," Peach told the camera. "We don't know if the superheroes are finished yet!"

"You know, word on the street is that there was a massive fight at the Goron Mines," said Zelda, reading a newspaper. "Happened just a few seconds ago."

"Wow, the local newspaper sure gets its information quickly!" remarked Peach.

"Yeah, well, there's like, twelve people living in the village, and half of them stay in one place," shrugged Zelda. "The papers are poised waiting for something to actually happen."

"Don't you run the paper, being in charge of the country and all?" asked Peach.

"Don't you run the shut the hell up?" enquired Zelda, rolling her newspaper up and slapping Peach with it.

Peach burst into tears.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"It's-a go time," said Mario confidently. "Sonic-a, activate your super speed-a!"

"Yes, sir!" saluted Sonic dutifully.

Sonic revved up his feet in a cartoon-like manner.

"Meep meep!" exclaimed Sonic, sprinting down the road at unfeasibly high speeds.

_Goron Mines_

Sonic grinded to a halt on the pit stop, and he stopped to eat some bird seed lying on top of a beartrap or something.

"Mario and Sonic, you're-where's Mario?" asked Crazy Hand.

"Damn," lamented Sonic. He sprinted back to collect Mario.

The comically-sized beartrap snapped shut without Sonic in it.

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink-Wearing Blondes_

Zelda glared at the camera and held up a sign that said 'Typical.'

"Look, isn't that the entrance to the mines?" asked Peach, pointing at a dark crevice teeming with lava and loose rock formations.

"Pfft, no," scoffed Zelda. "Who would mine lava?"

"Me, your Highness," said a passing Goron.

"Did I authorise your reservation?" asked Zelda blankly.

The Goron made an incredulous gasp.

"Please don't start a revolution!" sobbed Zelda, falling to her knees. "You Gorons are the only sub-species of Hyrule I don't know how to kill!"

The Goron roared and crushed Peach's head between his index finger and thumb.

"Did I say sub-species?" chuckled Zelda.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"Look Sonic-a!" declared Mario, in Sonic's arms. "Damsels in distress-a!"

"I'll use my wits to save them," smirked Sonic, running up to Zelda and the Goron. Peach's dead body was also there.

"What do you want?" snorted the Goron, flexing his rock-muscle-things.

"Unhand these women!" said Sonic boldly.

"But it's blonde season," said the Goron.

"No, it's hedgehog season," assured Zelda.

"Blonde season!" shouted the Goron.

"Hedgehog season!" shouted Zelda, shoving Sonic forward.

"Summer season!" protested Sonic, getting out his super shades.

"Second season-a!" argued Mario, holding up his The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race Season Two contract.

"Lightly seasoned," said the Goron, sprinkling salt on Zelda, Mario and Sonic.

"Red Sox season?" offered Sonic, bribing the Goron with baseball tickets.

"Score!" grinned the Goron, taking the tickets and leaving.

"Wow, you saved my life," gasped Zelda. "I guess you really are heroes!"

"We saved a murderer," pointed out Sonic.

"I feel horrible-a," said Mario bleakly.

Peach was dead.

Zelda hugged Mario and Sonic around the necks, and skipped away, holding Peach's slowly decomposing hand.

Mario and Sonic choked and died due to being hugged around the neck.

"Peach and Zelda, you're team number seven!" awarded Crazy Hand, waking up.

A gust of wind like the kind that traditionally blows inside subterranean mines blew Mario and Sonic's bodies onto the pit stop.

"Mario and Sonic, you're the last team to arrive," said Crazy Hand. "I'm sorry to tell you that you have both been killed. Can someone help them?"

A medical team awkwardly walked into the shot. They fed Mario a green mushroom, and broke a TV or whatever over Sonic's head.

"How did they know our revitalizing items?" asked Sonic joyfully.

"Ha, you're bleeding-a!" laughed Mario, pointing at the TV shards lodged in Sonic's head.

"Anyway, you're last," said Crazy Hand. "I'm legally obliged to be happy to tell you that this is the first of three pre-determined non-elimination legs, and you're both still in the race."

Mario and Sonic made poses.

"However, there is some bad news," continued Crazy Hand. "At some point during the next leg of the race, you two will encounter a Speed Bump. This is an extra task that only you'll have to do while the other seven teams keep racing. Gives you a disadvantage, doesn't it?"

"Do we look like we care-a?" asked Mario, faux-casually.

"Yes," replied Crazy Hand.

Sonic abruptly stopped slitting Mario's wrists.

"Not anymore, though," shrugged Crazy Hand.

"Isn't it a bit lame that the only episode that will air for weeks, possibly even months, doesn't even eliminate anybody?" asked Sonic.

"Well, complain on the internet if it bothers you so much," snapped Crazy Hand.

* * *

Arrival Times: Part IV!

Samus and Pikachu - 12:52pm

Snake and Falcon - 1:18pm

Falco and King Dedede – 1:19pm

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch – 1:20pm

Ness and Lucas – 1:21pm

Kirby and Meta Knight – 1:22pm

Peach and Zelda – 1:45pm

Mario and Sonic – 1:46pm **–** **Not Eliminated – Will Face Speed Bump

* * *

**

Nauseatingly long for a copout ending after two months. See you in two months for the next leg! Remember to let me know who you hate the least!


	5. We Can Be Pain Friends Together!

"Previously on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" boomed Crazy Hand. "Eight teams left Dream Land and travelled to Hyrule!"

"Ness and Lucas struggled with communication problems, resulting in several arguments during the leg!"

"_You're not telling the story right," interrupted Ness._

"_Fine, tell him your version!" shouted Lucas angrily._

"_Lucas is a whiny douche, the end," Ness smirked. "Oh, were there more details?"_

"After all eight teams appeared to be neck-and-neck, Peach and Zelda and Mario and Sonic fell by the wayside, having picked the slower Detour!"

"_We've been at it for-a pages and pages-a!" panicked Mario. "I can't even remember how long-a ago we got here!"_

"_This isn't going so well," Peach sighed, performing the Heimlich manoeuvre on Jovani._

"Meanwhile, filthy freeloader immigrants violated the sanctity of our show by committing horrible acts of heresy!"

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Although Mario and Sonic performed well on the Road Block..."

_Sonic proudly forced the door open with his mind, and telekinetically slammed the gunpowder bucket onto Barnes' desk._

"_Uh, yeah, that's enough," said Barnes, without looking._

"_Wow-a!" beamed Mario. "You've really perfected those-a psychic powers-a!"_

"...they remained in last place...

"_Mario and Sonic, you're the last team to arrive," said Crazy Hand._

"...but they were given a reprieve, at a cost!"

"_Anyway, you're last," said Crazy Hand. "I'm legally obliged to be happy to tell you that this is the first of three pre-determined non-elimination legs, and you're both still in the race."_

_Mario and Sonic made poses._

"_However, there is some bad news," continued Crazy Hand. "At some point during the next leg of the race, you two will encounter a Speed Bump. This is an extra task that only you'll have to do while the other seven teams keep racing. Gives you a disadvantage, doesn't it?"_

"Eight teams remain, who will be eliminated next?"

* * *

The Teams:

Mario/Sonic (Boston Red Sox)

ROB/Mr. Game and Watch (Dallas Cowboys)

Snake/Falcon (Jack 'Butterfly' Stephens)

Peach/Zelda (Holyfield vs. Tyson)

Falco/King Dedede (Harlem Globetrotters)

Kirby/Meta Knight (Detroit Red Wings)

Samus/Pikachu (Cook & Pottharst)

Ness/Lucas (...Towel boys...)

* * *

"This is Goron Mines!" said Crazy Hand, arbitrarily doing some floating. "This sunny little inferno of subterranean lunacy was the fourth pit stop in a race around the world! Teams arrived here at the end of the last leg for a mandatory rest period, where they can eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams!"

_Snake and Falcon nervously checked their waistlines before having dinner._

_King Dedede's bling got stuck to one of the giant magnets in the mines._

_Pikachu's holy water evaporated in the sweltering heat._

"After coming in last and receiving the Speed Bump, can Mario and Sonic fight their way out of the bottom? Will Falco and King Dedede's very presence continue to make this host want to kill himself and everything around him? Samus and Pikachu, who were the first to arrive at 12:52pm, will depart at 12:52am!"

_Samus and Pikachu  
1__st__ to Depart, 12:52am_

"I don't want to use the tongs!" complained Samus.

"If you get a paper cut, and your blood falls on Hylian soil, wrath will be invoked!" raged Pikachu. "Now open the clue with these tongs!"

"We're rolling," said the cameraman.

Samus reluctantly opened the clue with a pair of tongs.

"Make your way to Rose Town Inn in the Mushroom Kingdom," read Samus.

"_Teams must now travel to Rose Town Inn, featured in one of Mario's adventures! It was the one with the frog and the puppet thing. It was really rather good," said Crazy Hand. "To get there, teams will first drive to Castle Town and find Castle Town Airport, where they will fly eight thousand miles to Rose Town! The total journey will last around twenty hours, and any team who does not fill this time with one-dimensional bickering will be beaten by human resources!"_

"How are we supposed to remember all that?" asked Pikachu, shocked.

"It's written down on the clue," said Samus.

"Oh yeah," chuckled Pikachu. "I think I'll talk to the camera."

Pikachu took the camera and held it up to his face.

"Am I happy that we're going to a place called Rose Town? Yes," said Pikachu. "Am I happy that we're in first? Yes! But if Rose Town Inn is anything like any other inn, Samus' drinking problems could be our downfall this leg!"

"I don't have a drinking problem!" pouted Samus, storming off into the car.

"Well, are you okay to drive?" asked Pikachu.

"I'm already driving," said Samus in a slurred voice, flailing her arms around drunkenly. She completely missed the steering wheel.

Pikachu jumped onto Samus' lap, sighed, and began driving.

_Snake and Falcon  
2__nd__ to Depart, 1:18am_

"Make your way to Rose Town Inn!" read Falcon.

"Ooh, Rose Town!" beamed Snake. "It sounds pretty!"

"We're so excited!" Snake and Falcon grinned into the camera, locking arms.

"I think this leg, we want Peach and Zelda to be eliminated," Snake told the camera. "It's not that we don't like them. They're very nice, especially to each other. It's just...there's something about them that rubs me the wrong way. Though I definitely think Falcon and I are a good team. He's my best friend, and there's something about him that rubs me the right way!"

"You mean like my positive attitude?" smiled Falcon.

"No, I mean your hand," Snake 'joked'.

"Good one, buddy!" chuckled Falcon. "That was a funny joke you told! Because it is untrue and that is why it is funny! Because it's not true! Haha!"

_Falco and King Dedede  
3__rd__ to Depart, 1:19am_

"Looks like we're heading to the Mushroom Kingdom!" smiled Falco, pocketing the clue. "Erm, you can do the camera thing this time, Deeds."

"Falco and I may have different beliefs than the other teams, and obviously we look very different, but we're not going to let the obstacles associated with our heritage slow us down," King Dedede told the camera.

"I'm so glad you said that!" Falco grinned. "Not only is it positive and uplifting, but it's also a refreshing change from your mind-numbingly painful gangster lingo!"

"P'rseverantz, y'all!" replied King Dedede. Falco wept.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
4__th__ to Depart, 1:20am_

"Make your way to Rose Town Inn," read Mr. Game and Watch. "I bet this 'Rose Town' is a breeding ground for liberal extremists! Just listen to that name! _Rose Town..._they'll be having us legalize marijuana by nightfall..."

"I am very happy that we've done our part in knocking three teams out of the running," ROB told the camera. "But this leg is our team's danger zone. There are liberals everywhere. Take note of the current liberal leader of sweet Lady America. His name is Barack Hussein Obama, yes? How many letters are in that name? Eighteen. What is eighteen? A one in front of an eight, yes? Like, one Crazy Hand in front of eight teams? And now they're sending us to a place called _Rose Town_?! There's definitely a conspiracy to eliminate our team this leg."

Mr. Game and Watch pulled out his shotgun. I wish there was a hotkey for that.

"Those flower pressers better watch out," threatened Mr. Game and Watch. "Or else I'll get all Sgt. Hartman on their asses."

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"Excuse me, sir?" asked Samus. "Can you help us find Castle Town?"

"I'm your teammate, honey," said Pikachu. "If you want to ask for directions, try a local."

"Ohhhhh, right," nodded Samus. "Excuse me, heavy-set tribal guy?"

"Yes?" replied Renado, abandoning what he was doing and rushing over.

"How do you get to Castle Town?" asked Samus.

"Well, if you follow the tracks you people's cars made in my fair village yesterday, you might just find Castle Town," smiled Renado. "After all, you people were there, right?"

"That guy was no help at all," pouted Samus.

"I'm the local," said Renado. "If you want to complain about me, try your teammate."

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

Snake and Falcon were drawn to Renado's tribal good looks immediately on seeing him.

"Hi, my name's Renado," smiled Renado innocently.

"I want to sleep wearing your clothes," said Falcon.

"Beg pardon?" asked Renado, cupping his ear.

"Guys, please!" fumed Pikachu. "We are _trying_ to squeeze information out of this Indian tour guide! Wait your turn!"

"Oh, but he's such a tasty treat!" whined Snake.

"Is there a Mr. Renado?" Falcon simpered.

"Um...yeah...me," replied Renado, unsure of what Falcon meant.

"You don't want to waste your time talking to this Vegas street trash," assured Snake. "See that yellow guy? Not even human. Also, see the other thing? That's a _woman. _Eww..."

"Can you two please leave?" asked Samus.

"No, we're staying right here!" pouted Falcon. "Can't you see this is the perfect opportunity for a threesie?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Snake quickly. "I just wanted to see if he wanted to grab a beer."

"But you were flirting with him!" gasped Falcon.

"I have, um, sexual Tourette's," explained Snake. "Wow. That was a good lie....down I had back at the pit stop. Refreshing."

Falcon dejectedly walked away. Snake followed, wiping his brow in relief.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"Are those two...y'know, homosexually inclined?" asked Renado.

"I don't think so," shrugged Samus. "Every time one of them says something misleading like that, they always check me out. I love attention!"

"Oh, that's a shame," Renado frowned. "I'd like to get to know them both over coffee and pheromones."

"Coffee and what?" asked Pikachu obliviously.

"Coffee and...milk..." said Renado defensively.

_Ness and Lucas  
5__th__ to Depart, 1:21am_

"You have 241 dollars for this leg of the race," read Lucas.

"I bet we could buy some killer skateboards at the airport to cruise through the rest of the race on!" beamed Ness. "They could even be used to-"

"No," replied Lucas. "Stop saying anything resembling an idea."

"You have no imagination," Ness sulked.

"Racing with Ness is an interesting challenge," Lucas told the camera. "Neither of us is physically inclined, so we'll have to rely on our intelligence to place high this leg."

Lucas thought for a moment.

"Well, not really _our_ intelligence. More like my intelligence. In fact, edit out what I said. Let's start over. Racing with Ness is an interesting challenge because he's a complete dumbass."

Lucas frowned.

"No, wait, take three. Racing with Ness sucks hard because he's a complete dumbass. Yep, nailed it that time, use that take."

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
6__th__ to Depart, 1:22am_

Kirby put the clue away after reading it.

"We're going to Mushroom Kingdom!" cheered Kirby.

"Spring Break monster jam party!" declared Meta Knight.

"Hopefully, in this leg, we have a top three finish," Kirby told the camera. "Even though we did well in the last leg, and we're the most loved team, we've never been higher than sixth place. For whatever reason, the viewers at home are voting to put other teams ahead of us each leg."

"Is it because we're not one of those disgusting 'Hollywood sex appeal' reality show duos?" fumed Meta Knight. "We can't **all** look like ROB and Mr. Game and Watch, people!"

"That Mr. Game and Watch is sooo anorexic," pouted Kirby. "I hear he's a size zero. And ROB has way too much botox. He doesn't even look human."

_Peach and Zelda  
7__th__ to Depart, 1:45am_

"Mushroom Kingdom..." mused Zelda. "...That's terrible! I don't rule anything over there! This sucks!"

"Erm, you know how I'm Princess Peach?" asked Peach.

"Yes?" demanded Zelda.

"I'm princess of the Mushroom Kingdom!" smiled Peach. "So I can use my royal influence!"

"You mean like I used mine last leg?" asked Zelda excitedly.

"Uh, not exactly," admitted Peach. "We finished seventh out of eight."

"Damn!" shouted Zelda. "We're running out of teams who are worse than us! I better start enforcing more discipline on you!"

Zelda cracked a whip threateningly.

"Stupid fragile whips," frowned Zelda, throwing away the broken whip. "I'll just have to use this lead pipe instead."

_Hyrule Field_

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"I think we're going the wrong way," said Kirby worriedly.

"I know we're going the wrong way," nodded Meta Knight. "But how badass would a crane shot of you and me surviving against the odds in the middle of a field be?"

"Pretty cool!" beamed Kirby. "Wait, no, how are you going to get a crane shot? There's no higher ground! This is a flat field!"

Meta Knight threw the camera and equipment into the air.

It crushed Kirby.

_The Correct Hyrule Field_

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Walkin' suckizzles, man," complained Dedede.

"Yeah, sure, that's whatever you said alright," nodded Falco.

Falco suddenly noticed something in the middle of the field.

"Say, Deeds, doesn't that look like a bird's nest?" asked Falco.

"Awwww yeah," replied Dedede.

"Why did someone just carelessly lea-never mind, every time this happens I just end up getting offended," sighed Falco. "Let's just leave it."

Falco and King Dedede walked away. A small bug walked over the nest. It turned out to be a hilarious cartoon pitfall, trapping the bug forever.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"It didn't work," said ROB, looking through his binoculars.

"What do you mean, 'didn't work'?" snapped Mr. Game and Watch. "It trapped that insectoid, did it not? Let's go find out what he knows about the birds' plans!"

"He could be dangerous," said ROB warily. "He could be one of those bugs that crawls inside people and infects them from the inside. If it were possible for him to do that to either of us, I'd be mildly scared."

"Well then, we'll use a standard satchel charge, with me taking the left side and you taking the right side!" devised Mr. Game and Watch. "And then after we – aw, forget it, let's have a redneck scene instead of a veteran scene."

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch pulled out their shotguns and shouted a lot.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Oh no," groaned Lucas. "There's stupid fake pitfalls all over the place. ROB and Mr. Game and Watch must have set them down during the pit stop...alright, come on."

Lucas grabbed Ness' hand.

"What are you doing?" asked Ness, confused.

"What does it look like?" retorted Lucas. "I'm guiding you safely though all of these traps!"

"You don't have to hold my hand though," sulked Ness. "It's embarrassing."

"Oh, don't be so insecure!" snapped Lucas. "It's just until we get back to Castle Town. Besides, I don't think anybody's going to accuse us of anything with Snake and Falcon around."

"It's embarrassing because there's only one pitfall and we're miles away from it," pointed out Ness.

Lucas abruptly let go of Ness' hand.

_Goron Mines_

_Mario and Sonic  
Last to Depart, 1:46am_

_  
_"Mushroom Kingdom?" chuckled Sonic. "Oh, that should be fun, huh Mario? You live there!"

"No-a, it'll be terrible-a," frowned Mario. "Everyone-a will...uh...be clamouring-a for an autograph..."

"Why so secretive, buddy?" laughed Sonic. "Even if they do, it just shows what a great superhero you are to them! Why, it just tickles me when Tails asks me to sign his Sonic dolls!"

"I suppose you're right-a..." sighed Mario. "Come on, super pal-a! Let's use that speed-a of yours!"

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

"It's nice to get out into the sun after being down in that mine, isn't it?" asked Peach, stretching her arms.

Police officers tackled Zelda and began beating her.

"What's going on?" squealed Peach.

"They caught me killing you with my lead pipe off-camera!" called Zelda, fighting off the cops.

"That's horrible!" cried Peach. "Wait, I'm still alive."

"And they're after you too, for breach of continuity!" continued Zelda. "Run! They'll never look under Kirby and Meta Knight's feet!"

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"Well, you got your camera angle," frowned Kirby. "Now let's try and figure out exactly where we're supposed to go."

Zelda dived to the ground in front of Kirby, dragging Peach with her in front of Meta Knight.

"Ladies," nodded Meta Knight.

"Can we help you?" asked Kirby.

"We need you to hide us!" demanded Zelda. "Quick, help us dig a tunnel under you that we can follow!"

"Why don't I just swallow you?" suggested Kirby.

Kirby swallowed Peach.

"Come on, it's safe in here!" called Peach from inside Kirby.

Zelda ran into Meta Knight's face, embedding the mask in his skull.

Meta Knight died.

"Well, that's just being uncooperative," pouted Zelda.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"Listen, I know of a faster way to get to Castle Town," whispered Renado.

"Are you following us?" asked Pikachu, alarmed.

"I get very lonely sometimes," admitted Renado. "Listen, I've hidden a horse somewhere in Kakariko Village. If you're willing to wait a while, I'd be happy to go and get her for you."

"Uh...thanks?" smiled Samus uncertainly.

"Not at all," nodded Renado covertly. He snatched up a piece of Horse Grass and blew hard.

Epona came charging through the field, making a lot of noise and stampeding through the rest of the teams, who ran faster to catch up to the horse.

"Look! A super method of reclaiming our status as the best team!" noticed Sonic, outrunning everyone else and getting to Epona first.

"I want to ride the horse!" whined Captain Falcon, getting there second.

ROB quickly ravaged both Sonic and Falcon with guard dogs and sniper fire. The guard dog was Mr. Game and Watch in a clumsy disguise.

"Is there an evil plot to get ahead here?" demanded ROB. "Tell me now or I'll call in an air strike!"

"Guys, we can share the horsie, can't we?" asked Samus politely.

"No, I want to be first," hissed Pikachu. "So here's what I'm thinking: Samus and I will go first, and then we'll send the horse back for Falco and King Dedede. We all know that they can't walk as well as the rest of us. On account of their low land mobility. If this was an aerial race, boy, _forget about it!_"

"But that Indian tour guide thought I was pretty!" sobbed Falcon.

"I'm prettier!" pouted Snake, slapping Falcon.

"I can outrun the horse with my super speed, but still, I want it!" screeched Sonic, throwing a super tantrum.

"Come on, surely there's a fair way to decide who wins this extremely boring argument!" called Lucas.

"I wan-I wan-I wan-I want it!" squealed Sonic, kicking and screaming on the ground.

"Last one alive gets the horse!" yelled Zelda, plunging her knife into Peach's stomach.

"Yes, that's correct, HQ!" said ROB into a piece of wood. "I want an airstrike on co-ordinates phi niner bravo...whatever that means!"

Nothing happened.

"Listen, everybody just line up for the horse!" shouted Pikachu. "I'm tired of this immaturity! Now, I'll go first, with Snake and Falcon at the back because the gays are immoral! Besides, I'm pretty sure this is a female horse. Just FYI."

"Why do you hate us?" sobbed Snake.

"We love female horses!" snarled Falcon. "Girls are...cute...!"

"Really?" asked Pikachu sceptically. "Okay, it's a male horse then. You'll be riding a guy."

"I already am!" screeched Falcon, slapping Pikachu.

"No you aren't! We're all about women!" snapped Snake.

Epona spontaneously gave birth to three baby horses.

"Oh, so it's not fat," said Pikachu sheepishly. "Well, at least this argument will be over now. Let's go!"

"Why didn't the horsie just do what I used to do?" asked Samus, producing a coat hanger.

"Now, honey, that's inappropriate for television," Pikachu chuckled. "Now, if three of you other teams would be so kind as to get on a baby horse?"

Zelda stabbed people and claimed one of the horses. Sonic used his super speed to get himself and Mario onto another one, and the birds bemusedly climbed onto the last one.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"Am I upset that we lost the argument?" asked Snake. "No. I have no regrets."

"We didn't want to hang out on a horse looking at Pikachu all day anyway," scoffed Falcon.

"Yeah, and besides, he has a girl with him," laughed Snake. "Totally icky. I can't stand women."

"I thought we were all about women," said Falcon, confused.

"All about...our hatred for them!" chuckled Snake nervously.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"So guys," Falco grinned. "Since we're going to be the four lead teams for a while, how about we go check out some flights at Castle Town's travel agency?"

"What?" asked Samus.

"I can't understand your accent," said Sonic.

"Be normal!" demanded Zelda, gutting Falco.

"Yo, homies, mah boi was just iniquizzlin' whether y'all want to 'nsp'ct the fly-plane sit'yation," explained King Dedede.

"Oh," said everyone, understanding. "Okay."

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"I think they're going to go to the travel agency," said Falcon. "That's a pretty good idea."

"Yep, we should remember that," nodded Meta Knight.

"Except for the fact that their group of four teams has stupid girls in them," pouted Falcon.

"What does that have to do with anything?" asked Lucas.

"It-uh-we're manlier!" grinned Falcon. "We're more rugged and brave than they are!"

Snake was applying nail polish.

Ness and Lucas were observing the eating patterns of several small insects.

Kirby was a pink ball.

Meta Knight was looking through a list of celebrity breakups in order to find some topical humor.

"Okay, maybe you two are the only manly men," admitted Falcon, pointing a perfectly French-tipped nail at ROB and Mr. Game and Watch.

_Castle Town Travel Agency_

"Gee, I sure am poor," sighed the travel agent. "If only a large amount of people would come and buy expensive tickets to a random location for some nonsensical and uninspired reason, generating a high profit for me as I charge five times the cost of photocopying these bootleg tickets!"

Samus, Pikachu, Falco, King Dedede, Mario, Sonic, Peach, Zelda, and all of their camera and sound crew entered, snapping their fingers rhythmically.

"Wow, I think I'll retire right after I service you guys!" smiled the travel agent.

"Rose Town, Mushroom Kingdom," said Pikachu, producing a business card.

"Um, here's one," said the agent, handing them a sheet of flight details.

"Keep looking!" demanded Zelda, slapping a whip against the counter.

"Yes ma'am!" squealed the agent, terrified.

"This is going super-a well for us," observed Mario.

"Yeah, I think I'd even admire people like Pikachu and Zelda if they didn't inspire fear into my very soul," agreed Falco.

_Hyrule Field_

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"So the four teams who didn't get horses have to walk across the whole field," explained Lucas.

"That's us!" smiled Ness gleefully. "I think you'll find that it was Lucas' fault though. He wasn't driving a hard enough bargain."

"That's because the cameras were only focusing on the gays and Samus and Pikachu!" pouted Lucas.

"We don't have any means of communicating with Castle Town," continued Ness. "So it's not like we can phone ahead and reserve a flight. Thanks a lot, Lucas."

"You know, you're as blameable as me," frowned Lucas.

Ness punched Lucas in the throat.

_Castle Town Travel Agency_

"Here's something interesting," noticed the travel agent. "There's room on a really early flight for one of you couples, but not the other three! Wow...that may be a problem, huh?"

"No, it won't be," smiled Pikachu. He sprayed holy water onto the other teams and turned the goblet on the agent.

"Okay, you'll be getting it," said the agent meekly.

"You know-a, we would have let you take it anyway-a," said Mario, wiping holy water out of his eyes.

"Yeah, it's because of you that we're even here," smiled Sonic. "You did most of the work for us!"

"That's true," nodded Peach. "You deserve it."

"Screw that! No they don't!" shouted Falco angrily.

"Yeah man, this is wack!" agreed King Dedede.

"I have no strong feelings either way," said Zelda, sharpening a scimitar.

"Gee, thanks you guys!" thanked Samus, being of selective hearing.

The four teams made their way to the airport, tickets of varying quality in hand.

_Castle Town Airport_

The other four teams collapsed in the front door of the airport.

"Come on, guys!" urged Falcon, lying on top of Snake. "We have to press onwards! Those other guys will have already arrived in Rose Town!"

"You're the one lying on top of that guy," said Meta Knight.

"It's strategy!" shouted Falcon. "He's my land canoe!"

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"I'm pretty steamed that we don't have the best possible flight to Rose Town," explained Falco. "Stupid Pikachu and his stupid jerkassery."

"Yo, as far as I is concerned, this four-way allizzle is ova'," said King Dedede.

"When we get to the airport, we're just going to try and find something better," said Falco. "And hopefully nobody will try and find out what we're doing."

_Castle Town Airport_

"Fan out!" cried Snake. "Decoratively!"

Snake and Falcon melodramatically sprinted to the first counter they could see.

"We want to go to Rose Town!" cried Falcon theatrically.

"I'm sorry, but I'm just a receptionist," said the receptionist.

Falcon sulked.

"Maybe one of the people with lines in front of them can help you," suggested the receptionist. She pointed at a long line of people waiting for tickets.

"I think you are a cruel little person," pouted Falcon. "Come on, Snake."

"Oh, sure," said Snake absent-mindedly, admiring the potpourri on the counter.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Alright, here's where we detach ourselves from the charge of those fairy boys," whispered ROB. "Private Andwatch, you're on reconnaissance duty. Go and find out what that lonely ticketsmith is peddling, and report back to me on the double!"

"Sir, yes sir!" saluted Mr. Game and Watch. He dived into the counter.

"Hello?" asked the ticket agent uncertainly.

"What are you offering?" demanded Mr. Game and Watch, brandishing his shotgun.

"The cheapest flights to Toad Town you've ever seen!" beamed the ticket agent.

"Hmm...do I want that?" asked Mr. Game and Watch.

There was a brief pause.

"Um, I don't know," replied the ticket agent.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Man, booking tickets is hard work," complained Ness. "There are so many different logistics involved in the process, and-"

"That's a water cooler, idiot," pointed out Lucas.

"Oh, right," said Ness.

"I think the biggest problem with our team," explained Lucas to the camera, "I mean, the biggest problem after Ness' stupidity and our lack of physical development, is that we're not aggressive enough about taking first place. And when we are, Ness' stupidity and our lack of physical development come into play and he does something really hasty."

"We're working with Kirby and Meta Knight now!" cheered Ness from off-screen.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

Snake and Falcon stood in the line.

"I think this is going well," smiled Snake.

"Yeah, who needs _receptionists_ when you can stand in an overcrowded line," pouted Falcon sarcastically, muffled by Snake's back.

"The line isn't that much overcrowded," noticed Snake. "I don't think your arms have to be around my waist any more."

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"We're hasty, and that means our scenes can be short and to-the-point," Meta Knight explained to the camera. "Like a commercial."

"I bought us all tickets!" cheered Kirby from off-screen.

"Are these tickets even remotely right?" asked Meta Knight ominously. "Find out next time!"

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

Falco and King Dedede ran into the airport, frantically looking behind them for signs of the three teams they ditched.

A thrown tomato splattered onto Falco's jacket.

"Okay, so they is aware we is here, dawg," noted King Dedede.

"Definitely, they threw the signal," nodded Falco, wiping tomato off of himself. "Now let's call the travel agent and see if we can kick Pikachu off of his pedestal."

King Dedede bowed and presented Falco with a cellphone. Falco put on a prosthetic human hand to dial the numbers.

"My name is Falc-no-Frank. Frank Lomba...Jones. Frank Jones. And I want a flight," whispered Falco.

"_There is a flight," replied Falco's informant._

"I want it," said Falco ominously.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

Snake and Falcon's perilous queue ended.

"Hello, we would like the fastest possible flight to Rose Town," said Snake. "Would you be able to help us out?"

"I'm sorry, our fastest flight is the honeymoon package," apologised the ticket agent.

"But we're recently married," said Falcon.

"We are?" asked Snake. "Great! I mean, what?"

"Excellent, you're on the flight," smiled the ticket agent. "It boards in a few minutes!"

"_Snake and Falcon are the first team due to arrive in Rose Town, being the only team on the honeymoon package flight!" explained Crazy Hand._

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

Zelda threw Peach through the heavy glass door, and then entered after her.

"Quick," urged Zelda. "We can still get ahead if we muscle our way through this line a few of the teams are grouping up against! Let's use violence because I like it like that!"

"I can see it coming, but I'm still terrified!" groaned Peach, as Zelda rented a steamroller to murder people between her and the counter.

"Ah! I'm scared of fighting!" panicked ROB, ducking under a desk.

"Hide our shotguns!" urged Mr. Game and Watch.

"Lucas, if we abandon the puffballs, we may be able to salvage our lives!" cried Ness.

"Uh, okay," smiled Lucas, bemused.

Zelda killed all of them and marched up to the ticket desk.

"I know you have good planes," snarled Zelda. "Get me on one of them."

"If it's not too much trouble," added Peach hastily, tending to the wounded.

"Okay, I have a very good one that arrives only a few minutes after the honeymoon package," nodded the ticket agent. "You ladies have the last two seats."

"Excelsior!" cackled Zelda.

"_Peach and Zelda are on the second flight to Rose Town, arriving a few minutes after the first!" explained Crazy Hand._

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"What in tarnation just happened?" demanded Mr. Game and Watch. "Flightkeep! Get us on their flight!"

"But I said they had the last two seats," pointed out the ticket agent.

"Curses!" cursed ROB. "We need a new strategy, on the double!"

"Maybe there's a later flight," murmured the ticket agent.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Ah, we can't stay mad at Peach and Zelda," shrugged Ness. "They're just playing the game. Playing it beautifully."

"But she was very mean to us!" fumed Lucas. "Don't you remember her killing us just a moment ago?"

"All's fair in hotness and war!" smiled Ness annoyingly.

"_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch and Ness and Lucas are both on the third flight to Rose Town!" expositioned Crazy Hand._

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

Samus and Pikachu swaggered pompously into the airport.

"I'm so glad that travel agent got us a flight so far ahead of everyone else," smirked Pikachu smugly.

"Quite! I even used the money we won't have to spend on flights upgrading myself from beer to martinis!" laughed Samus.

"And now to claim our prize!" beamed Pikachu, sauntering up to the counter.

"Oh, are you Mr and Mrs Aran?" asked the agent worriedly. "The travel agency called us, we've been waiting for you. There was an oversight with your transaction, and your flight is actually too full to take you. The error has been cited as being due to "our quality assurance guy being stoned out of his mind"."

"Fiddlesticks!" cursed Pikachu.

"What did he say?" asked Samus, modifying her beer bong to work for martinis.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"Okay, Ness, Lucas, we need to regroup!" called Kirby. "Where are you?"

"I can't believe they abandoned us," pouted Meta Knight. "I mean, what's wrong with us?"

"Maybe it's because of your ugly face," said Kirby. Half-hearted canned laughter ensued.

"Whatever, I bet our tickets are better than theirs anyway," shrugged Meta Knight.

"Yeah, business class rocks," nodded Kirby.

"Kirby, you dolt! Business class invokes a penalty!" reprimanded Meta Knight. "Oh man, it's the first two legs all over again! We have to ditch these!"

Canned 'ooooh's ensued.

"Quick, the trashcan!" cried Kirby, throwing the tickets away.

"Well, that wasn't so hard," smiled Meta Knight. "Come on, we can try to find something else now."

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"Listen here, you get your quality assurance man up here right now!" squeaked Pikachu angrily.

"Okay," sighed the ticket agent. "Carl!"

"What?" asked a haggard-looking man from a few feet away.

"Disgruntled customers!" called the ticket agent. "Get over here and gruntle them!"

"'sup?" asked Carl, slouching over.

"Don't you give me that!" shouted Pikachu. "I was supposed to be flying to Rose Town really really early and now I'm not! Assure that quality, or the powers that be will have you removed from the earthly shackle of your existence!"

"Dude," whispered Carl, nudging Samus. "That Beanie Baby is talking to me. I'm so baked."

"Oh, forget it!" cried Pikachu, dragging Samus away.

"Dude," whispered Samus. "That quality assurance guy smells like our garden."

"How would I know that?" snapped Pikachu. "You're the one who spends all your time in it."

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"You can't find something else," repeated Meta Knight. "Are you sure?"

"What do you want me to tell you, man?" demanded Kirby. "I asked this guy and he said he had no tickets."

"He's a janitor! He's cleaning the airport fast food restaurants!" protested Meta Knight.

"Yeah, but I've got no tickets," replied the janitor, spraying a window with ammonia.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Kirby.

"No, that's why I'm disagreeing with you," pointed out Meta Knight.

Kirby swallowed the janitor to become Janitor Kirby.

"I bet employees get on for free," smirked Kirby.

The manager of the airport angrily rounded a corner and spotted them.

"Andy!" raged the manager. Kirby surreptitiously glanced down at his new nametag. "I told you to scrub the inside of that Castle Town to Rose Town plane ages ago! Thanks to these damn fast food joints you are currently cleaning right now, the pilot threw up everywhere and is currently incapacitated! Grab your pink sawdusty stuff and clean it up! We need someone to fly this thing, but more importantly, it needs to be clean! Don't you see? We need a janitor and a pilot! Now!"

Kirby and Meta Knight glanced at each other, struggling under the weight of coincidental exposition.

"I-I have this battleship back home..." said Meta Knight.

"You're hired!" shouted the manager. "Just do your job! What am I paying you for?"

"Nothing, sir," replied Meta Knight. "I've held this job for three seconds. Also, after we land in Rose Town, I'm not coming back."

"And you!" shouted the manager at the cameraman. "Put down that camera and hurry up with the customers! Those two guys have been phoning me thinking I'm some sort of crazy informant type!"

He pointed at Falco and King Dedede, huddled protectively around a payphone.

"And those two guys have been doing nothing of interest for a few pages!" continued the manager.

He pointed at Mario and Sonic, who were robbing Falco and King Dedede's payphone.

The cameraman, the newly crowned Andy the janitor and Meta Knight all glanced at each other.

"_....Kirby and Meta Knight, Falco and King Dedede, and Mario and Sonic are all on the fourth flight to Rose Town!" said Crazy Hand._

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

Watching everyone else board, Pikachu pouted and dragged Samus off into the distance.

They ended up pouting-ly walking into a suitcase.

The owner of the suitcase walked onto a plane.

Samus appreciated being alone with her husband in a tight place.

Pikachu saw a divine light through the gap of the suitcase's zip.

Pikachu stretched open the zip.

Samus and Pikachu realised they were on a plane.

"_.......okay...." said Crazy Hand._

"Where are we?" asked Samus.

"Don't you realise we're on a plane?" asked Pikachu stubbornly.

"No," replied Samus. "Who said I did?"

"I wonder if we're on the same plane as any of the other teams," wondered Pikachu. "Let's look at the people on the seats and see if any of them look, sound or act anything like any of the other contestants."

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Well, searching everyone else's belongings for explosives sure was fun," smiled ROB. "What now?"

"Maybe we should go over everyone again in case somebody new came on the plane," decided Mr. Game and Watch.

"Quick!" whispered Pikachu. "Pretend to be a benign, worthless object a man keeps tightly encased in leather!"

"Huh?" asked Samus.

Pikachu crawled back into the suitcase.

"Oh, it was another whore joke," realised Samus. "Yeah, I-no, that was good, I mean, it was a little-I liked it."

Samus rolled up into her Morph Ball form and rolled into the suitcase just as Mr. Game and Watch looked at the man with the suitcase.

"What the-ROB, what is this?" demanded Mr. Game and Watch.

"What's this business?" asked ROB, noticing how boring this suitcase character is. "I smell a rat. Maybe a gopher. Possibly a beaver. Actually, I don't smell anything at all. Ever. Maybe this suitcase will have some way of getting me one of those senses of smell I've been hearing about!"

"On one hand, I'm totally distrustful about this mysterious suitcase," admitted Mr. Game and Watch. "On the other hand, I really want an excuse to shoot something."

Mr. Game and Watch shot the suitcase with his shotgun. The suitcase careened through the plane and landed in front of...

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"...Did the veterans seriously just blast a suitcase over at us?" asked Lucas.

"Yep. Let's use it as leverage over them to get a better position in the race!" beamed Ness.

"How are we going to do that?" asked Lucas. "They discarded it...that won't make for good leverage."

"Okay, well let's just pick something from inside," shrugged Ness.

"What?" asked Lucas. "It came from the veterans, you idiot. How many limbs do you want to lose opening this thing?"

"But I can see the outlines of a ball and a Beanie Baby in there!" pouted Ness. "Maybe they're just giving us gifts so that we'll be best buddies!"

"But you just wanted to use it as leverage," said Lucas. "I think maybe you should stop coming up with ideas for now."

"I guess you're right," shrugged Ness. "Let's just stow the suitcase away for now."

"Was that another idea?" asked Lucas threateningly.

_Rose Town Airport  
Mushroom Kingdom  
1__st__ Flight Landed_

"Admit it," coaxed Falcon, walking off of the plane.

"Okay, fine," Snake sighed, wiping caviar from his lips. "The honeymoon package was great."

"Yeah, at least we don't have to pretend to be married any more," nodded Falcon.

"Yep, now we can do it for real," agreed Snake.

"That's what he said," Falcon chuckled.

Snake gasped.

"I meant what she said," said Falcon reflexively. "Rose Town Inn, yes? Taxi!"

"We better hurry," said Snake. "I think the second flight's hot on our perfectly sculpted tails."

_2__nd__ Flight Landed_

"Golly, what a hellhole," spat Zelda, scribbling obscene graffiti on the floor as she walked out of the plane.

"Excuse me, but, um, I'm sort of in charge here," admitted Peach meekly.

"Well, you're doing an awful job!" criticised Zelda. "Where are the legions of followers awaiting your return?"

"I'm crowdsurfing on them," said Peach. "And please don't draw that on my land, it's racially insensitive to Rose Townians."

The Rose Townians threw Peach up in the air, making her giggle uncontrollably.

"The Hylians never crowdsurfed me," pouted Zelda. "Maybe I shouldn't have scribbled obscene graffiti that was racially insensitive to Hylians all over Castle Town."

_Rose Town Inn_

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Isn't this, like, the second bar we've been to in two legs?" asked Snake.

"Hmm, must be some creator influence," shrugged Falcon. "Barkeep! Point us to the clue!"

"The clue to what, sir?" asked the polite young bartender.

"Aw, he's so naive and adorable!" Snake simpered. "Can I keep him?"

"Why would you want to?" said Falcon, coughing inconspiciously. Well, no, it was really quite conspicious. "Anyway, I found the clue. Detour!"

"_A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with their own pros and cons!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Detour, teams must make the choice impressionable college students around the world are faced with every Friday night! The choice? Think or Drink!"_

_In Think, teams must search for Gaz' house, where they will dress as prettily as possible in order to recreate a fairy-tale adventure with Gaz' dolls! The task isn't hard, but it is, without sounding prejudiced, really, really gay!_

_In Drink, teams must go to the back room of the Rose Town Inn and indulge in a Rose Town speciality! However, what teams don't knowis that the speciality is a shot of highly alcoholic, highly concentrated Super Shroom Shake, and that the shot must be downed in one gulp! While it may be hard to stomach such a beverage, the drunken teams coming out will have more dignity than if they played dollies in pretty dresses!"_

"Easy," scoffed Falcon.

"No need to even think twice about the decision," agreed Snake.

"Drink hands down," nodded Falcon.

_Editing Studio_

"Dammit!" cursed an editor, reviewing the footage. "They didn't do the pretty dress one!"

"Don't worry, we'll keep prodding them until they snap," assured another editor.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

The Rose Townians gently perched Peach on top of a barstool.

The Rose Townians threw Zelda through the window, breaking her back against the cluebox.

"Well, that was unprovoked!" complained Zelda.

"I...don't think it was..." whispered Peach quietly.

"What was that?" demanded Zelda, running a lawnmower over Peach's throat.

Peach didn't respond.

"Oh well, it was probably one of my imaginations anyway," shrugged Zelda, taking out a clue. "Detour! Think or Drink!"

"Oh, uh, let's Think," said Peach, turning pink as she stood up, rubbing her neck.

"What?" snarled Zelda. "Drink sounds much more entertaining! Oh, and faster."

"I don't think we should drink here though," admitted Peach.

"Peach, this other task has us wearing pretty dresses," snarled Zelda. "We have no experience in that area!"

"Um, excuse me, but we're wearing them now," pointed out Peach.

"These are considered pretty?" gasped Zelda, tugging at her dress. "Wow, I'm so overjoyed that I'll relent and let you make this decision!"

"Thanks, girlfriend!" smiled Peach, hugging Zelda.

_Rose Town Inn Back Room_

_Snake and Falcon  
On Drink_

"Hi guys!" cheered Snake and Falcon merrily, skipping into the back room.

"Are you with Craztavio Hand?" asked a large gruff dude, spitting his tobacco in Falcon's face.

"We're on his reality show!" Falcon grinned, blinking heavily through the tobacco in his eyes. "And we're so the drama!"

"What does that even mean?" asked the gruff large dude. "Ah, doesn't matter. We'll fix you up with your boozeahol."

"So, is this like a cosmo or what?" asked Snake. "I'm afraid I'm quite the lightweight!"

"It's true!" beamed Falcon. "I've seen him get tipsy after a Diet Coke!"

The gruff dude large forced a shot of Super Shroom Shake under Snake's nose.

"Lightie goes first," snarled the dude large gruff.

"So there's not even a lemon wedge or an umbrella or-" Snake was silenced by the large dude gruff shoving the shotglass into his mouth.

Snake gave a merry laugh of drunkenness and passed out, hitting his liver hard against the wooden floor.

"...Woohoo!" cheered Falcon. "Was-ted!"

_Gaz' House_

_Peach and Zelda  
On Think_

Zelda threw open the door of Gaz' house and stormed inside.

Peach was curled up into a ball under Zelda's shoe.

"Okay, suit up into these pretty dresses and we'll get started!" smiled Gaz creepily, indicating to a pile of ratty, dusty pastel-colored dresses.

"Oh, I thought what we were wearing would be good enough," said Peach sadly.

"No ma'am," replied Gaz. "They're really quite terrible. Especially the one your friend's wearing."

Peach reflexively dived under a table for cover.

"Opinions are subjective," shrugged Zelda. "If he doesn't like it, he doesn't like it."

"At least you were nice about it!" smiled Gaz. "Your Highness, why can't you be more like this lady?"

"Oh please, call me Princess Zelda," replied Zelda.

"Wow, you're handling criticism very well, Miss Zelda!" smiled Peach.

"Handling? More like piping!" chuckled Zelda, fingering the lead pipe in her pocket.

_Rose Town Inn_

_Snake and Falcon  
On Drink_

"Looks like it's my turn to indulge in a little al-kee-haul!" giggled Falcon. "I'm warning you all though, I'm a pretty randy drunk!"

"It's true, he is," smiled Snake. "So am I, incidentally."

Falcon raised the Super Shroom Shake to his mouth, but quickly withdrew.

"I'm sorry, is there a straw for this?" asked Falcon.

"No!" called the word combination of large, gruff and dude I haven't used yet.

"Just graze the rim around your lips," urged Snake.

Falcon squeezed his eyes shut to concentrate.

"Coax the liquid into your throat," said Snake.

Falcon's bottom lip trembled around the liquid.

"...Play with it a little in your mouth," said Snake.

Falcon opened his eyes in horror. Snake's face was an inch away from his.

Falcon's eyes widened. Snake breathed on his neck encouragingly.

Falcon hurriedly downed the drink, hoping to repress the memories of that thinly-veiled joke.

"Uh, I'll just go and get the clue," said Snake distractedly. He ripped it open. "Make your way to the Rawest Forest Entrance."

"_Teams must now make their way to Rawest Forest's entrance!" said Crazy Hand. "This forest was the setting for Geno's infamous maze, the most complex in Mushroom Kingdom history! The maze still remains as the forest's main attraction as a monument to Geno!"_

"Caution: U-Turn ahead," finished Snake.

"_This is the first of only two U-Turns in the entire race!" continued Crazy Hand. "A U-Turn always follows a Detour, as teams who choose to use their U-Turn powers can force any team behind them to backtrack and do the task in the Detour that they did not complete! Teams may only use their U-Turn powers once in the race, so they must decide when it's most advantageous to go for it!"_

"Let's go and sit on opposite ends of a taxi," decided Falcon.

_Gaz' House_

_Peach and Zelda  
On Think_

"Okay, I'll start," said Gaz. "I want the Geno doll; you guys take these other ones. Ahem...once upon a time, Geno was walking to the store."

"Geno met Mallow on the way there," smiled Peach pleasantly, making her Mallow doll wave at Geno.

"Bowser jumped out of an alleyway with a big stick and beat them to death!" roared Zelda maniacally, putting a knife in her Bowser doll's hand and ramming him against the other two.

Gaz burst into tears, clutching his bloody hand and his broken Geno doll.

"Zelda..." whispered Peach. "We can't get the clue unless he likes the ending of the story!"

Zelda sulked and used a healing spell.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"Hey, have you got that travel guide with the map in it?" asked Snake, remembering something.

"Well yeah," replied Falcon. "But I hid it in a place nobody would think of looking. I didn't want that shady bar guy stealing our information?"

"Why would he?" asked Snake.

Falcon sighed and pulled the travel guide out from the front of his trousers.

"Here," snapped Falcon icily.

"Thanks," nodded Snake uncomfortably.

_Peach and Zelda  
On Think_

"I'm scared of going to see the doctor!" wailed Gaz in a high pitched falsetto, waving the Geno doll's arms hysterically.

"Don't worry, all you'll have to do is be brave!" encouraged Peach, making her Mallow doll give Geno a hug.

"I'll try," smiled Gaz and the Geno doll.

"I'm your doctor!" screamed Zelda, making her Bowser doll moonwalk towards Geno and Mallow. "The only cure is laughter!"

Zelda threw a canister of laughing gas at the wall.

Zelda threw an axe at the canister of laughing gas.

"Don't you feel better?" giggled Peach, barely maintaining control of the Mallow doll.

"Die!" screamed Zelda, throwing a chainsaw at the Geno doll.

"No, don't! If I give you the clue, will you stop this madness?" laughed Gaz hysterically behind the laughing gas.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Well, that was easy," smiled Zelda, completely immune to the gas.

"Hopefully we're still far ahead," laughed Peach uncontrollably. "Let's get in a taxi where there won't be any gas!"

"Yeah, no gas," agreed Zelda, hiding her carbon monoxide tank.

_Rose Town Airport  
3__rd__ Flight Landed_

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

Pikachu leapt out of the plane and began placing instruction manuals everywhere.

"Back you heathens, back!" bellowed Pikachu, scurrying away.

Samus nonchalantly walked alongside the sprinting Pikachu.

"Baby, we're the first ones off the plane!" smiled Samus. "I guess that means we're third! Yay!"

"Yeah, wonderful," agreed Pikachu. "But I do feel guilty about holding the other two teams up thirty seconds ago."

Samus covertly looked down at the ground behind her and noticed that the instruction manuals had been accidentally laid out in the shape of a pentagram.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Veterans_

Mr. Game and Watch used ROB as a battering ram to break through the instruction manual pentagram.

"Samus and Pikachu think they're so smart, the commies," said Mr. Game and Watch bitterly.

"Maybe so private, but I've played a few gambits of my own," smirked ROB.

"Pray tell," said Mr. Game and Watch.

"Well, here's a little clue: I've rigged Pikachu's water with antacids, and I've planted a remote bomb in Samus' suit," said ROB smugly. "I did it all as stealthily as a ninja corporal."

"Corporal Jack Ninja always _did_ make reference to his ninja experience during basic training," reflected Mr. Game and Watch.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Ha, fifth place," Ness chuckled. "As usual, we're not doing so well! We should pay some of the other teams to let us pass them."

"How do we pay them?" asked Lucas. "We don't have money. Besides, we need that money for the race!"

"I didn't say pay them in money," sulked Ness. "We should pay them in natural materials. Give me your thumb. I want to mine it for blood."

"You're an idiot. And no," replied Lucas.

_Rawest Forest Entrance_

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"There's the U-Turn sign!" noticed Snake, sprinting up to it.

"Do you want to U-Turn anyone?" asked Falcon.

"Well, in the last few hours, we've been shunted along airports to the point where my jet lag makes it feel as if I missed a few days. In turn, that throws my body clock out of whack, so I have no idea how long it's been since I've exfoliated myself," said Snake. "Making people hate me after an ordeal like that doesn't seem worth it."

"Okay, we choose not to U-Turn," declared Falcon. He opened the clue. "Road Block!"

"_A Road Block is a task only one member must perform!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Road Block, one team member must navigate the massive labyrinth that is the Rawest Forest in order to reach the clue in the centre! The non-participating team member will be able to communicate with their partner using provided walkie-talkies, but no further use is allowed."_

"Sounds like a tough one," whistled Snake, looking ahead at the forest.

"Can you do it?" asked Falcon.

"I don't know," replied Snake. "I'm not sure if I can put myself into such a strange place."

"Fine, you be the little spoon next time then," scoffed Falcon. "I'll do it."

_Falcon  
On Road Block_

Falcon walked through the entrance, seeing a number of different path turns.

"I really have to walk this whole thing?" gasped Falcon in disbelief.

"Don't worry," said a forest...security...nymph. "Exiting the forest is super simple, all you do is follow these path turns."

"Well then," grinned Falcon. "Hold this."

Falcon ripped off his spandex suit in one fluid motion, revealing his running shorts.

"Stay like that," said Snake through the walkie-talkie.

"How can you see me?" asked Falcon.

Receiving no answer, Falcon shrugged and took a path turn to the left.

Falcon's walkie-talkie went off.

"Falcon, you're doing great, over," said Snake.

Falcon took a step.

Falcon's walkie-talkie went off.

"Don't rush anything, we're so far ahead of the other teams," encouraged Snake.

"Um, Snakey, how about you just call me if another team arrives?" asked Falcon politely. "Is anybody showing up now?"

"No," replied Snake.

Falcon shut off his walkie-talkie and walked around a different path, stopping briefly to plan his next move.

Falcon's walkie-talkie went off.

"I miss you," said Snake.

"I'm doing fine," said Falcon evenly.

"Have you considered marking where you've been with little twigs or something?" asked Snake.

"I don't think I'll need to," shrugged Falcon. "Okay, bye now."

Falcon shut off his walkie-talkie and kept walking.

"Hmm," said Falcon. "Maybe I should start marking my trail, just in case."

Falcon was so lost in thought that he walked directly into a beartrap.

Falcon burst into tears and wrenched his mangled foot free.

Falcon started limping away, leaving a trail of blood behind him.

"This could be counterproductive!" sobbed Falcon.

Falcon turned on his walkie-talkie.

"Snake, I'm in trouble! I hurt my foot and I'm walking so slowly I'm not sure if we'll be able to stay in front!" cried Falcon.

"I need scissors! 61!" quipped Snake.

Falcon groaned.

"So how about marking that trail?" asked Snake.

"I ripped my foot open!" whined Falcon indignantly.

"Why won't you use twigs?! They go with the whole 'forest' theme!" shouted Snake.

"Because my foot is wrecked!" sobbed Falcon. "Just leave me alone Snake, I feel awful!"

Falcon shut off his walkie talkie and limped around another corner.

Snake pouted and sat on a tree stump.

_Rose Town Inn_

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"Our second bar in two legs," noticed Pikachu. "What a strange coincedence."

"Have you sheen Shamus Aran?" asked a drunk Samus, drooling all over her tank top. "She'sh meant to be helping me rassh around the world!"

"Sweetie, you're Samus," smiled Pikachu. "Now quick, overdose on these caffeine pills before somebody else finds the clue."

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Veterans_

"Shiv on a shank shingle, Team Vegas are already here!" exclaimed ROB, blowing the inn door apart.

"Spread out and find that clue box," ordered Mr. Game and Watch.

Samus drunkenly swaggered over to ROB and Mr. Game and Watch.

"It's no use!" cried Mr. Game and Watch. "They've brought out their heaviest artillery!"

"That drunk lady-type?" asked ROB.

"Hammered!" confirmed Mr. Game and Watch. "Fall back!"

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch jumped onto a barstool and used it as a vantage point to snipe Pikachu in the face.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Ow!" cried Pikachu, prising the bullet out of his face. "Just when I'd got the clue while Samus was being a mildly humorous distraction!"

"Did I do a good job?" asked Samus eagerly.

"Yes, but it pales in comparison to the one from my birthday," said Pikachu in a filthy voice.

"Job didn't have an apostrophe that time...in my mind..." said Samus. "...What's an apostrophe?"

"Oh, right, you meant just now," said Pikachu sheepishly. "Uh, yeah, good job distracting or whatever. I have the clue. Detour!"

"Ooh, let's drink the highly alcoholic beverage!" suggested Samus, unnervingly eager.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Detour," read Mr. Game and Watch. "Think or Drink?"

"Let's Drink," decided ROB. "But watch out for Samus and Pikachu, they're getting wily."

Samus and Pikachu were holding hands and walking towards the door.

"They're lining up in flanking formation!" gasped ROB.

"Those nefarious Nevadan...ites!" cursed Mr. Game and Watch.

"Keep your eyes peeled, General," warned ROB. "This situation could get a little rough."

"Hi guys!" smiled Ness, appearing at the door with Lucas.

"Watch out for the slippery floor," advised Mr. Game and Watch.

"The floor's not slippery," said Lucas.

Mr. Game and Watch shot Lucas in the gut with his shotgun and sprinkled his blood all over the floor.

"It is now, now get out of our way," ordered Mr. Game and Watch.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

Pikachu ran over to a local.

"Oh, excuse me, mister!" called Pikachu. "Um, can you tell us where the Rose Town Inn back entrance is?"

"Well, it certainly isn't out here in the middle of the town square," smiled the local helpfully.

"Oh," said Pikachu.

"In fact, I'm sure it's somewhere in Rose Town Inn," said the local.

"I guess leaving was a bad idea," said Pikachu.

"To the Booze Palace!" declared Samus.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Detour!" read Lucas. "Think or Drink?"

"Oh, Drink hands down," said Ness. "It sounds like more fun, and the back room is like, right over there."

"Good point," said Lucas, nodding towards the saloon-style door to the back room. "We just need to go through that door."

A murdered barfly's corpse flew through the doors and hit the wall behind Lucas' head.

"Okay, go for it," smiled Ness weakly.

"Why me first?" asked Lucas suspiciously.

"Um, I don't want to get murdered in a drunken bar fight," admitted Ness.

"But we're adorable children, it'll be fine!" scoffed Lucas.

Another barfly's dartboard aim was severely impaired by how drunk he was, and a dart pierced Lucas' eye and went into his brain within seconds.

"Nice knowing you, Lucas," said Ness quietly.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"You know, Samus, since we left the bar, we might as well do Think instead of Drink," suggested Pikachu tentatively.

Samus blankly stared back at Pikachu.

"Of course, whatever you want to do is fine," said Pikachu quickly. "I want you to feel like an equal part of the team here, of course."

"Okay!" smiled Samus. "I want to do the storytime thing! I think we should do the storytime thing! I am very eager! Let's go and do the storytime thing!"

Samus pranced away.

_Rawest Forest_

_Falcon  
On Road Block_

"Why am I still in this darn maze?" cried Falcon, finding himself in an area he had already been in.

"What's stopping you from getting any further?" demanded Snake over the walkie talkie.

"My leg hurts so much and I'm lost and I'm scared!" sobbed Falcon hysterically.

"Suck it up, Falcon!" urged Snake. "If you can do this before anybody else shows up, then we've won the leg for sure!"

Falcon got down on his hands and knees and crawled weakly around another corner of the maze.

"Try and map out the best path to take!" said Snake.

Falcon put a leaf over his foot to staunch the bleeding and limped through another path.

"Close your eyes and try to smell out the clue!" suggested Snake.

Falcon squeezed his eye shut and walked into a tree.

"Hold your nose and try and let your desperation for oxygen and for the final minutes of your life to be on a high note show you where the clue is!" rambled Snake.

Falcon held his nose too hard and began having a nosebleed down his front.

"This task is too hard!" squealed Falcon, drenched in blood. "If you have so many ways to do this, why didn't you do the Road Block?"

"Okay, I can't see you right now, so your good looks are not going to make me unable to stay mad at you!" warned Snake.

"What?" asked Falcon.

"Just run through trees a bunch and don't think about it!" bellowed Snake in a defensive manner.

Falcon's mascara began to run due to his tears.

_Gaz's House_

_Samus and Pikachu  
On Think_

"Are you Gaz?" asked Pikachu, jogging through the front door.

"I sure am!" beamed Gaz. "Okay, pick a doll each and we'll get started!"

"Um, I think I'm a little old to play with dolls," scoffed Samus dismissively, picking up a Bowser doll.

"Let's just do this, honey," said Pikachu wearily, picking up the Mallow doll.

"I feel so mature doing this crap," pouted Samus. "Thanks a lot, Pikachu, for not letting me get wasted."

"Drinking is a sin, and you said you wanted to do this," said Pikachu in a restrained manner.

_Rose Town Inn_

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
On Drink_

"Well, that's the formality out of the way," said ROB, dusting his shotgun.

"You murdered a barfly and threw him at the blond kid outside!" gasped the large gruff dude.

"Different strokes," chuckled ROB. "Anyway, what kind of drinks are we having here? Grenadine? Commie blood?"

"Super Shroom Shake," replied the large gruff dude. "You first, robot."

"You know, I'm not sure if I can even drink," admitted ROB.

A bubble in the Super Shroom Shake's glass burst.

"It's attacking!" screamed Mr. Game and Watch. "Kill it!"

ROB rammed the glass into his fuel port, pouring most of the contents inside.

"I think that counts," said ROB, installing taste sensors. "Corporal Game and Watch, front and center!"

Mr. Game and Watch lunged for his glass and missed.

"Curse you depth perception!" cursed Mr. Game and Watch. "I need a third dimension to do this properly."

Mr. Game and Watch swallowed a grenade.

The explosion inflated his stomach like in the cartoons.

Mr. Game and Watch downed the Super Shroom Shake.

"Clue me, bucko!" ordered Mr. Game and Watch.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Make your way to the Rawest Forest entrance," read ROB. "Caution, U-Turn ahead."

"We better get there first!" gasped Mr. Game and Watch. "All the other teams are probably conspiring to eliminate us using such underhanded tactics! I predict that we will be U-Turned before the race is through!"

"Let's go on foot!" declared ROB. "It'll be more manageable than entrusting our fate to these filthy plebian locals."

_Ness and Lucas  
On Drink_

"Hi guys," smiled Ness.

"No time, gay friends!" roared Mr. Game and Watch, ripping the saloon doors apart and sprinting off into the distance.

"Okay, bye now!" beamed Ness.

"I think they might be in a hurry," noticed Lucas.

"Yeah, maybe we should be in one of those," admitted Ness, walking towards the large gruff dude.

Lucas gulped and eyed the glasses of Super Shroom Shake.

_Gaz's House_

_Samus and Pikachu  
On Think_

"So have any other teams been here before us?" asked Pikachu anxiously.

"Yeah, two women in pink dresses," said Gaz. "One of them was really nice, and the other one was kind of a..."

"Complete sociopath?" offered Pikachu.

"Bitch?" offered Samus.

"I think we should just get started," shuddered Gaz. "Okay, one day Geno woke up and remembered that it was Mallow's birthday."

"Oh Geno, I give you muchos kisses if you buy me a pweeeesent," said Pikachu in a falsetto, bouncing the Mallow doll around.

"What are you doing?" asked Gaz. "Mallow isn't a Latino woman."

"I thought we were making fanfiction," pouted Pikachu. "I mean, I'm Japanese and can't speak English, but the editors are going to dub me over with some Americanized voice. That's how storytelling works."

"Oh, I see," nodded Gaz eagerly. "Fine, Mallow's a Latino woman in this story."

"I'll bring the kegger," smiled Samus.

"You have to move your doll," said Pikachu.

"Doll?" asked Samus.

_Rose Town Inn_

_Ness and Lucas  
On Drink_

"Uh oh," gulped Lucas, looking down the rim of his glass.

"I think we better get outta here," said Ness, biting his nails.

"No, we have to drink it," said a dismayed Lucas. "All of a sudden I don't know how I feel about underage drinking."

"We're rebelling?!" asked Ness. "Hardcore!"

Ness shoved Lucas's face through his glass, nearly choking him.

"What are you doing?" yelled Lucas, wiping alcohol out of his eyes. "You could have drowned me!"

"Yeah, but is your glass full?" asked Ness.

"No...oh, good job," said Lucas. "I'm going to stop being sober now."

"Right, and now I'll join you!" smiled Ness, chugging his Super Shroom Shake.

"Here's your clue," said the large gruff dude.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"And the seventh thing I hate about the establishment..." hiccoughed Lucas.

"Make your way to Phonm...Penh...Cam-Sean Penn...Cambodia...no..." burped Ness, struggling to read. "Make your way to the Raw...Rex...Rawst Berry...Rawest Forty...Fors..Force...Forest! Let's go!"

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Veterans_

"Do we even know where Rawest Forest is?" asked Mr. Game and Watch, marching around a corner. "I mean, we want to get there fast on account of the whole race thing."

"Does that drunken pair of children look familiar to you?" asked ROB, looking through the scope of his sniper rifle.

"It's Ness and Lucas!" gasped Mr. Game and Watch. "What in the-they've backstabbed us for the last time! Ness! Lucas! Get back behind us where you belong!"

"We've been outmanoeuvred, soldier!" declared ROB. "Take cover, Admiral Andwatch, I'm going to order an air strike on them!"

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Taxi!" called Ness. "Take us to the entrance of Rawest Forest! There's a U-Turn ahead!"

"What's a U-Turn?" asked the driver.

"Oh, right, he's not a racer," remembered Ness. "We should teach this guy everything we know about racing!"

"You mean the secrets that helped us start off in tenth place?" asked Lucas. "Out of eleven?"

"Ha, yeah," laughed Ness. "Wait...you don't think those will help, do you?"

A nuke landed on their taxi, killing them instantly.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Veterans_

"How did a nuke land on them?" wondered Mr. Game and Watch.

"Not the point," said ROB. "Let's just call in the air strike anyway."

"Crazy Hand, come in!" called Mr. Game and Watch, dialling a cellphone. "This is team one three three seven, do you read me?"

"Who's there?" asked Crazy Hand. "Is that you, Ike and Bowser?"

"Who?" asked ROB, taking the phone. "This is ROB and Mr. Game and Watch...who are still in the race!"

"Oh yeah, you," remembered Crazy Hand. "Okay, what do you want? Emergency? Penalty?"

"Ness and Lucas are all up in our grills, Crazy Hand!" said ROB. "We need an air strike on them! Call out your fleet!"

"Um...no," said Crazy Hand, hanging up.

"Damn, just when I thought he'd be useful," pouted Mr. Game and Watch. "Let's just get in a cab of our own and follow Ness and Lucas..."

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"ROB and Mr. Game and Watch are following us," noticed Ness.

"Don't those guys ever stop being suspicious of everyone?" asked Lucas.

"Yeah, I'm wondering the same thing," agreed Ness. "Who knows what they could be plotting..."

"Anyway, now that we're ahead of them, that puts us in either third or fourth, I think," calculated Lucas. "We're doing a good job this leg."

_Gaz' House_

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"And then Bowser says, 'That's no plumber, that's my wife'!" finished Samus, gesturing wildly with her Bowser doll.

"Mallow converts like a good member of the flock," added Pikachu, pouring some water on his Mallow doll.

"Geno lives happily ever after!" beamed Gaz. "Great job guys, here's your clue!"

Samus tore open the clue.

"Make your way to the entrance of Rawest Forest!" read Samus. "Caution: U-Turn ahead!"

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Veterans_

"But Mr. President, I need you!" cried Mr. Game and Watch in dismay. He furiously hung up his cellphone.

"He won't nuke the kids either?" asked ROB sadly.

"Nope, we're stuck having them alive," pouted Mr. Game and Watch.

"I just hope we can beat them to the pit stop," said ROB. "My legs are killing me from all this running."

Mr. Game and Watch nodded sympathetically.

"Wait a minute," said Mr. Game and Watch. "Can you even feel pain? Do you even have legs? Do you dream of electric sheep?"

_Rawest Forest_

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Peach and Zelda sprinted up to the U-Turn marker and tore off the '2' tab.

"We choose not to U-Turn," declared Zelda.

"Really?" asked Peach, surprised. "It's a chance to effectively remove a team from the game!"

"I can do that myself at close range," shrugged Zelda, extending her claws. "Road Block! You do it, you live here. Besides, you've got no choice."

"Oh, fine," sighed Peach. "But remember; if I die in the forest, it'll be my first death on the race not caused by you."

"Eh, I forced you to do it, I'm counting it as my kill," shrugged Zelda.

_Falcon  
On Road Block_

Falcon took a wrong turn and ended up at the starting point.

"Oh no, Peach is here!" despaired Falcon.

"I know, isn't it great?" cooed Snake coyly. "Zelda and I are out here being walkie-talkie buddies! She showed me a picture of her parents and now we're talking about home decorating!"

"We've lost our lead!" sobbed Falcon.

"Zelda, that is a wonderful macramé idea!" simpered Snake.

"My leg's still bleeding!" wailed Falcon.

"My soufflés have a richer texture, but yours have a far creamier flavour," said Snake thickly, his mouth full.

"My teammate won't help me through this difficult task!" continued Falcon.

"Oh, I'd love to talk about your feelings, Zellie!" giggled Snake.

"It's getting darker," noticed Falcon.

"I was cast aside in high school for being different too!" chuckled Snake.

"And I just walked into the same beartrap again!" screamed Falcon, his wound re-opening.

"Oh, do tell me all about your raunchy dream," giggled Snake. "I promise, I won't spread the gossip!"

_Peach  
On Road Block_

Peach walked up and patted Falcon on the back.

"Is this that hard?" asked Peach fearfully. "Are you okay?"

"It's so hard and it hurts!" choked Falcon through his tears.

"Hold still, I'll give you a mushroom," said Peach sympathetically.

Peach gave Falcon a mushroom.

"That feels a little better," sniffed Falcon appreciatively.

"Come on, let's go through the first few paths together," offered Peach.

Peach and Falcon walked around a path turn.

"Ugh," sighed Peach. "We wound up back in the first room again!"

"Peach, you abhorrent failure!" scolded Zelda through the walkie-talkie. "Is this task really so hard for someone who runs the country?!"

"Yes!" replied Peach. "I'm sorry, but I haven't been to Rawest Forest in thirteen years!"

_Falcon  
On Road Block_

"Oh, we're never going to get out of here!" sobbed Falcon hysterically.

"Do you mind?" asked Snake. "Zellie and I are tuh-_rying_ to listen to some smooth jazz compilations on our iPods and you're not making it very easy for us!"

"I don't think you're being very supportive!" said Falcon tearfully.

"Are you still whining?" asked Snake, exasperatedly. "Gee, you sure are annoying!"

_Peach  
On Road Block_

"Holy smokes," pouted Peach, discovering another wrong path turn. "I hope we can do this before more teams show up!"

"It'd be pretty funny if you were trapped in that maze until you developed locked in syndrome and killed yourself," observed Zelda.

Peach turned off her walkie talkie.

_Falcon  
On Road Block_

Falcon brushed against a tree.

"Oh no!" gasped Falcon.

"Did you hurt yourself again?" asked Snake, frustrated.

"I'm chafing!" squealed Falcon. "That was a really coarse tree! Snake, I don't care about the race rules, you've got to burst in here and save me!"

"No," said Snake flatly.

"Fine," sighed Falcon. "I'll just take my pants off to air out my chafed legs!"

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"Do you think the rest of this leg will be easy?" asked Samus hopefully.

"Karma and Dr. Wright are working in tandem to ensure a strong finish for us this leg," nodded Pikachu. "It'll be a cakewalk."

"Wow, do you really think Dr. Wright cares about who wins a reality show?" asked Samus in amazement.

"Hmm, good point," realised Pikachu. "Maybe if we work harder at the next task, Xenu will see fit to upgrade our thetan levels to that of a winner."

"What?" asked Samus.

"No idea," admitted Pikachu. "Have you seen my coherency? I think I lost it somewhere."

_Peach  
On Road Block_

"I'm done," said Peach resignedly, sitting on a tree stump. She turned her walkie-talkie back on.

"Zelda, I need to take a break," said Peach. "This maze is too hard for me to figure out right now."

"Not going to work," said Zelda savagely. "You're going to keep going, or else."

"Please, have mercy!" urged Peach.

"Mercy?" asked Zelda incredulously. "After you've scrubbed all the paths in the forest, then we can talk about mercy! Take him away!"

"Take who away?" asked Peach wearily.

_Falcon  
On Road Block_

"Okay, have you aired out the chafes?" asked Snake.

"Yes," replied Falcon, his walkie-talkie balanced on his ear. "What do I do now?"

"Apply the ointment as recommended," said Snake.

"It smells different!" complained Falcon.

"That's because it's store bought," replied Snake. "Never had time to import the usual ointment before we left for the race."

"This is the worst day ever!" sobbed Falcon, limping around a path turn.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Wave of sheer genius-ery here, buddy," said Ness, swaggering up to the U-Turn. "This is a Road Block, on account of Zelda and Snake screaming down these walkie-talkies."

"Good catch, idiot," said Lucas. "Is it worth our while to U-Turn anybody?"

"It's no problem," shrugged Ness. "I had a lunch date planned out with all of the other teams, but it's cool. We can live without another couple of friends, right?"

"No we can't, shut up, we choose not to U-Turn anybody," decided Lucas. "Road Block, you're doing it, Ness."

_Falcon  
On Road Block_

"Oh my god!" squealed Snake. "Ness and Lucas are here!"

"What?" asked Falcon, nearly dropping the walkie-talkie.

Falcon walked around an incorrect corner and saw Ness enter the maze.

"Oh no, it's true!" gasped Falcon, flailing his wrists helplessly.

"Are you freaking out?" asked Snake.

"I'm freaking out!" squealed Falcon.

"How much?" asked Snake.

Falcon checked his wrists.

"Five thousand rpm!" squeaked Falcon.

_Ness  
On Road Block_

"Lucas?" asked Ness uncertainly. "Is Snake freaking out?"

"Yep," replied Lucas.

"Falcon is," said Ness worriedly. "I think this might be a tough task after all."

"Just don't let him or Peach follow you," said Lucas. "Remember, we're psychic. There's got to be some way for that to work to our advantage."

"I don't know if you've noticed this," said Ness stiffly, walking around a correct path turn. "But those noises you can hear down the walkie-talkie are footsteps. I'm already doing that! Screw the other teams!"

"Yeah, I'm not worried about losing friends over this task," shrugged Lucas. "If having friends is anything like our dynamic, I'm pretty sure distancing myself from people is a good thing."

"Whoa. No offense, Duster," said Ness, shocked.

Lucas sighed.

_Falcon  
On Road Block_

"Ness is making this look so easy!" complained Falcon, trying his best to follow him.

"I bet it is easy!" retorted Snake. "Please, just hurry and beat him!"

"We don't have to be first, you know!" said Falcon. "Just as long as we're not last!"

"Are you saying we want different things for our relationship?" asked Snake, hurt.

"...I don't think so," said Falcon, confused. "I'm not sure. Dating lingo is confusing!"

"We're not dating," said Snake.

"Whatever," retorted Falcon. "Just be patient, please!"

_Ness  
On Road Block_

"I heard Falcon complain that I'm making this Road Block look too easy," Ness told the camera. "Well, a major contributing factor is that the Road Block _is _very easy. Why's he struggling, again?"

"Um, actually, I think it's because he isn't psychic," said Lucas.

"Who said you could interrupt?" asked Ness, shutting off his walkie-talkie.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch sprinted up to the U-Turn sign.

"Should we do it?" asked ROB.

"Definitely!" grinned Mr. Game and Watch. "Those other teams are out of luck! Today's a good day to eliminate somebody!"

"But who?" pondered ROB. "Who has wronged us the most today?"

"Screw today!" shouted Mr. Game and Watch. "Let's take out our biggest threats since day one! For liberty and justice! For our ancestors! We'll remove Marth and Fox!"

"Yeah, kill 'em!" cheered ROB.

"Let's go!" cried Mr. Game and Watch.

"Kablammo!" chimed ROB.

Mr. Game and Watch made machine gun noises with his mouth.

"Wait, I can't find their picture to put on the sign," said ROB. "Diabolical! We'll just have to do the clue thingy."

"Road Block!" read Mr. Game and Watch. "Hmm...an espionage mission seems like a job for a soldier with my training!"

"You're right!" exclaimed ROB. "A soup kitchen brigadier could get this done in no time!"

_Mr. Game and Watch  
On Road Block_

Mr. Game and Watch strapped on a bandana, and took a step into Rawest Forest.

"My god," said Mr. Game and Watch, shocked. "I'm completely lost."

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"It's a U-Turn!" exclaimed Pikachu, jogging up to the sign.

"Why is it so windy here?" complained Samus.

"It isn't," said Pikachu, confused. "But I wonder why the camera guy's blowing a fan at us."

"See, she's this season's fanservice," explained the cameraman.

"I'm _every_ season's fanservice," pouted Samus. "Anyway, I'm not U-Turning anyone."

"But you are doing the Road Block," said Pikachu, having read the clue.

"But I hate navigation!" complained Samus.

"Shut up and do it!" ordered Pikachu.

_Falcon  
On Road Block_

"Snake, are you still there?" asked Falcon, clutching the walkie-talkie close to his ear. "I'm trying my best to follow Ness, and I seem to be making some headway!"

"The veterans and Team Vegas are here too now!" informed Snake. "We're not fighting for a top three spot any more, it's top five! Don't mess this up!"

"You're not helping me," frowned Falcon. "You're not very inspiring!"

Snake played some 80s power ballads down the walkie-talkie.

"Oh man!" cheered Falcon, envigorated. "This rocks!"

_Ness  
On Road Block_

"I think I'm nearly there!" grinned Ness. "Lucas, how many other teams are here with us?"

"Four," answered Lucas. "Wait a minute, didn't you shut off your walkie-talkie?"

"Yeah, uh, I can't really...use...that..." admitted Ness.

"I'll shut mine off so we don't have to talk then," decided Lucas. "Oh, and keep psycho-ing your way through. You're doing good."

Ness beamed.

_Samus  
On Road Block_

"Honey, I'm not even sure how to start this maze!" panicked Samus, looking at the various path turns.

"Have no fear, my love!" declared Pikachu. "Using my faith, I'll channel some kind of freaky magecraft into you, thus enabling you to use Wright to plot your path!"

"That sounds like it'll work!" grinned Samus. "Let's do it!"

Pikachu began chanting down the walkie-talkie.

_Mr. Game and Watch  
On Road Block_

Mr. Game and Watch, letting out a primal roar, jumped through a gap between two trees and launched himself through a path turn.

Mr. Game and Watch deftly leapt from branch to branch, firing his shotgun wildly into the air in triumph.

Mr. Game and Watch jumped into a rock and came to a sudden halt.

"Oh, dammit!" cursed Mr. Game and Watch, assuming a fighting stance as he fumbled for his walkie-talkie.

"Are you under attack!?" bellowed ROB.

"I will spill the blood of all of the scum!" shouted Mr. Game and Watch maniacally, blasting the rock with wait for it yeah that's right his shotgun. "Violence!"

"Oh man, if I were organic I'd totally have wood right now," chuckled ROB.

"Me too," said Mr. Game and Watch. "Unfortunately, using the injuries sustained from splinters to justify any lashing out as self-defense doesn't work in this government."

"Damn anti-wood wielding laws protecting the violent rock scum of today," frowned ROB.

_Ness  
On Road Block_

"Lucas, this part of the forest has 'home stretch' written all over it!" called Ness excitedly, sprinting.

"Okay, how are we still talking?" demanded Lucas.

"Why do you care?" asked Ness sceptically.

"Oh, it's nothing," scoffed Lucas. "I just think it's important to maintain some form of continuity rather than using a lame cop-out to have the teammates of each team able to speak to each other when some of us are in forests trying to concentrate while others are outside waiting to move on with the race. Everyone must have turned off those damn walkie-talkies ages ago, and if this was presented as prose it would be mind-numbingly easy to forget that they were ever involved at all."

"Continuity?" asked Ness. "Oh, and I don't think anybody watching the show cares about whether or not the events portrayed are realistic. Finally, continuity?"

"It's a necessity," said Lucas.

"That's dumb," frowned Ness. "You said coherency was a necessity too."

"Media worth caring about use continuity all the time," pointed out Lucas.

"What media?" challenged Ness.

"Oh, you know, lots of different things. They use it all the time. Nothing you would have heard of though," said Lucas snidely.

_Mr. Game and Watch  
On Road Block_

"Kaboom!" shouted Mr. Game and Watch, leaping down from a tree behind Ness.

"Oh, hi!" greeted Ness.

"I must say, friend of Commissioner," admired Mr. Game and Watch. "You're getting through this task with remarkable speed."

"Take notes, old man!" smirked Ness.

Ness threw Mr. Game and Watch away with his mind.

"Impudent young scallywag," frowned Mr. Game and Watch, flying through the air.

_Ness  
On Road Block_

Ness jogged around a corner, and came to a grotto.

"Whoa!" grinned Ness. "I found the clue box!"

Ness took out a clue, and was teleported to the entrance with some pretty badass CGI.

"Lucas, I got the clue!" called Ness.

"Great," nodded Lucas. "Now let's move it before everyone else realises that they could look over our shoulders and find out where to go."

_Peach  
On Road Block_

"Whoever made this task is such a jerk!" pouted Peach, making another mistake and being redirected to the start of the maze. "If I ever meet the crew member who suggested Rawest Forest, I'm going to tell him to shove his plans right up his pooper!"

Peach reconsidered.

"Oh, I shouldn't use such raunchy language," frowned Peach.

"I'll gouge your eyes out!" screamed Zelda for no reason.

"You're getting me stressed again!" cried Peach, alarmed. "I'm going to have to take another yoga break!"

_Falcon  
On Road Block_

"Well, Ness may have found the clue first, but that doesn't mean I can't get there too!" grinned Falcon confidently.

Falcon tripped over a rock and landed face first into a beartrap.

"Oh no! Not another injury!" despaired Falcon. "My face is ruined! My vision is impaired! However shall I cope?"

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Are we seriously still out here?" demanded Lucas. "What kind of continuity is this? Open the damn clue!"

"Yeah, even I think this is a bit excessive," said Ness. "Make your way to the next pit stop!"

"_Teams must now make their way to Vista Hill, which is the pit stop for this leg of the race!" informed Crazy Hand. "The last team to check in may be eliminated!"_

"Um, right, we better hurry," said Lucas. "Someone's bound to have found that clue while we were standing around doing nothing."

"We don't seem to be going anywhere," noticed Ness.

Fine, Ness and Lucas got in a cab. Jeez.

"I think we're in first place," said Ness nonchalantly.

"Is that so?" asked Lucas.

"Yeah, it's so!" grinned Ness. "It just sunk in! We aren't total failures today!"

_Samus  
On Road Block_

"This whole magecraft thing has very weird effects," said Samus, wearing nothing but a life vest.

"Actually, that's manipulation by production," said the cameraman. "Sorry, but one of our tech guys has a nautical fetish."

"Oh," frowned Samus. "Can I keep the life vest though?"

"No," replied the cameraman. "We need it for next season."

"Yeah, like this show's being renewed!" laughed Samus, strolling around a corner.

_Mr. Game and Watch  
On Road Block_

"Crap, now I'm all turned around," complained Mr. Game and Watch. "Stupid kid, throwing people around the place, over."

"Don't worry, the deadly placebos are in his drinking water, over," assured ROB.

"Wait, what the hell is that, over?" asked Mr. Game and Watch, noticing something in the distance.

_Peach  
On Road Block_

"Zelda, I'm telling you, there's got to be a peaceful way to approach this task!" pleaded Peach, pacing herself.

"Is cannibalistic murder involving several exploding organs considered peaceful?" asked Zelda.

"No," replied Peach.

"Well, it's toned down if anything," frowned Zelda. "Just keep trying to find the clue, I'll think of something."

_Falcon  
On Road Block_

"This is bad," panicked Falcon. "My beartrap face wound is beginning to itch, but I can't scratch it without risking mutilating myself further! Oh, curse my excessively sharp manicure! I'm sorry Snake, but I'm having the worst time imaginable in here!"

"Oh my god!" shouted Snake. "I can't take much more of this! Stop getting hurt! Stop getting manicures! From now on, Snake and Falcon are this race's synonyms for masculinity! Now man up and go get that clue!"

"Bu-"

"Just do it!" screamed Snake. "Don't think!"

Falcon's walkie-talkie played the unmistakable sound of Snake stomping on his own walkie-talkie.

"Someone's cranky," noticed Falcon.

_Samus  
On Road Block_

"Can you hurry up and pass some people?" demanded Pikachu. "Do not tell me you've been cursed with mediocrity!"

"I'm sorry," said Samus. "But I don't know how to do this faster than everyone else!"

"Horrible racing," grimaced Pikachu. "Don't worry, if these other teams still haven't finished this, they must be worse."

_Falcon  
On Road Block_

"I'm cranky because I hate sitting around with other teams!" protested Snake. "Especially when they badmouth us!"

Falcon determinedly paced himself down another path turn.

"We really need to get out of here!" said Snake. "I hope you're close to the end."

"I'm making some headway!" beamed Falcon, proud of himself. "The thing is, we've been here for so long I've already went every wrong way!"

Falcon avoided all of the beartraps he had already 'activated'.

Snake squealed in joy and tried to scale the outer trees of the forest to look for Falcon.

Rawest Forest security used guard dogs and sniper fire to gun down Snake.

_Mr. Game and Watch  
On Road Block_

"That sounds like sniper fire!" gasped Mr. Game and Watch, doing a forward roll into a prone stance. "And the ground smells like guard dogs! ROB, I'm under attack!"

"If you're going to die, let's use our last moments to make amends with the other teams!" urged ROB. "Are you still near where you were when Ness finished the task?"

"Yep," nodded Mr. Game and Watch.

"Excellent, amendmaking should be easy!" smiled ROB. "So should the agony of losing a man on the battlefield!"

Falcon sprinted around the corner and saw Mr. Game and Watch.

"Um, clue's that way," said Mr. Game and Watch, pointing to where he had ambushed Ness.

"Is this a trick?" asked Falcon.

"It's that way," repeated Mr. Game and Watch, his hand on a flag.

Falcon ran off.

"I'm so proud of you!" grinned ROB.

_Falcon  
On Road Block_

"Oh God yes!" cheered Falcon jubilantly, the clue box in sight.

"I haven't heard that since last night!" grinned Snake. "...You know, back when we...won that leg we won..."

"I'm coming back out to you now!" called Falcon, as the CGI whisked him out of the maze.

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Make your way to the next pit stop, Vista Hill," read Falcon. "Warning, the last team to check in may be eliminated."

_Samus  
On Road Block_

"Did Falcon just leave?" asked Samus, distraught.

"Yes!" fumed Pikachu. "We'd be leaving too if you could concentrate on what you're supposed to be doing! Do the gosh-darn task!"

Samus groaned and did her producer-imposed Baywatch run down another path turn.

_Peach  
On Road Block_

"Are you ready to carry out the plan?" asked Zelda.

"No!" spluttered Peach. "I can't do this! They'll find out about everything!"

"I know!" cackled Zelda evilly. "I'll dance in their shredded organs!"

"That's not PETA-approved!" wailed Peach. "Besides, what you're suggesting we do is just plain rude!"

"I will consume their happiness!" bellowed Zelda. "An apocalyptic oblivion of doom is closer at hand than the privates of a randy thirteen year old boy! All will perish!"

"Someone help me!" screamed Peach. "I'm scared of my teammate!"

_Vista Hill_

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"C'mon, out of the cab!" urged Ness.

"We're not in a cab," said Lucas. "In fact, we're walking."

"Oh, look who thinks he's so smart," scoffed Ness. "Let's see you multiply two big numbers in your head, smartass. What's nine hundred and eleven multiplied by two thousand three hundred and fifty-six?"

"Didn't you see that war movie?" asked Lucas. "Nobody knows that. Now hurry up!"

Lucas gleefully sprinted up to the mat, while Ness lagged behind, clutching his side.

"I'm too tired for running!" complained Ness.

Lucas pulled Ness up the hill with his mind.

"Convenient," smiled Ness, stepping onto the mat.

"Welcome to Mushroom Kingdom!" beamed Booster.

"Ness and Lucas, you are team number one!" awarded Crazy Hand.

"Incredible!" cheered Lucas, throwing his backpack aside.

"This is awesome!" smiled Ness. "Give me some sugar, holmes!"

Ness and Lucas hugged excitedly.

"And I'm alive for this one!" laughed Lucas.

"It's really great to be on top for once," said Ness happily.

_Rawest Forest_

_Mr. Game and Watch  
On Road Block_

"I say, ROB," said Mr. Game and Watch through the walkie-talkie. "I feel like I might still be alive."

"But I need you dead for very specific reasons that I don't see why I should explain to you!" cried ROB, dismayed.

"This is great!" smiled Mr. Game and Watch. "All of a sudden, I have a new lease on life! Oh, I also have a new idea for this task. I'll dig my way through!"

Mr. Game and Watch proudly stuck a shovel in the ground.

"Bugs Bunny, Guy Fawkes, prepare to collectively eat your hearts out," challenged Mr. Game and Watch.

"Private, a subterranean mission? Please, that is so outdated," scoffed ROB.

"Screw you, sir!" retorted Mr. Game and Watch.

"What?" asked ROB, holding his gramophone up to the walkie-talkie.

_Peach  
On Road Block_

Against her own will, Peach was mysteriously dragged to the hole Mr. Game and Watch was digging.

"Hello primary targ-Mr. Game and Watch," said Peach in Zelda's voice. "Are you digging a tunnel?"

"I'll find the roots of that clue box, little lady!" grinned Mr. Game and Watch cockily. "Just you wait and see!"

"Do you mind if I help?" asked Peach.

"Well, of course not!" smiled Mr. Game and Watch. "I hear women are equal-opportunity workers now!"

"Excellent, I'll just grab a shovel," said Peach. "I'll be back shortly to kill-I mean, murder you."

Peach threw a bomb at Mr. Game and Watch, caving his tunnel in.

"Oh my goodness!" gasped Peach, back to normal. "I'm so sorry for the explosion!"

"Yes, a bludgeoning would have been far more fun," agreed Zelda.

"Get out of my head!" sobbed Peach. "I feel so sick and wrong!"

Zelda cackled evilly.

Peach fell to the ground sobbing hysterically.

"Wow, I'm a monster," said Zelda, chuckling to herself.

_Mr. Game and Watch  
On Road Block_

"No, no, no," laughed Mr. Game and Watch. "ROB, I'm telling you, the irony in the situation is that the traitorous she-devil's bomb wasn't packed with gunpowder. No, it was packed with a new kind of moisturiser that caves in tunnels in such a way that all physical ailments are instantly cured!"

"Yeah?" asked ROB suspiciously. "Can you make your way back up to a clue?"

"I could, but once we leave, those succubi will take over the forest," said Mr. Game and Watch. "We should leave one team member stationed here for eternity. I nominate myself."

Mr. Game and Watch raised his hand for emphasis, brushing against a clue. He was warped outside.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

An awkward silence ensued.

"Um...today seems like a good day to check in?" proposed ROB.

"Geronimo!" screamed Mr. Game and Watch, sprinting.

_Vista Hill_

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

Snake and Falcon jogged onto the pit stop, wearing identical jogging shorts.

"Snake and Falcon, you are team number two," said Crazy Hand. "Tough Road Block, gays? I mean, guys?"

"I think I should have handled it rather than Falcon, to be honest," said Snake. "But he did a good job. I especially like the part where he took hours."

Falcon looked incredulous. "Snakey, you're not being very considerate about my feelings!"

"Men don't have feelings," scoffed Snake. "Real men...d-don't have those..."

_Rawest Forest_

_Peach  
On Road Block_

"Peach, you fool!" screamed Zelda. "You failed to murder that army guy! That's another team ahead of us!"

"I'm sorry!" squeaked Peach. "Besides, aren't we hours ahead of the other teams?"

"Confounded airlines, making my plans so much less dramatic!" cursed Zelda. "I want more targets here now! I want to make somebody suffer, to make somebody rue the day they crossed the vengeful gods that introduced them to me!"

"Can I please just have a few minutes to focus on the Road Block?" asked Peach. "I mean, standing around doing nothing is sure to jeopardize our progress on the race!"

_Samus  
On Road Block_

Samus came around the corner and ran past Peach.

"Are they just doing nothing?" Samus wondered to herself. "Wow, they're not very smart."

"Are you nearly finished yet?" asked Pikachu, bored.

"Yeah, I think so!" smiled Samus. "There's a clue box up there! Oh wow, this is great!"

Samus pulled out the clue, and was warped out to meet Pikachu.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"I feel so tough!" smirked Samus. "I beat that really hard task all on my own!"

"After three other people already did," retorted Pikachu snidely.

"Well...it was still a great accomplishment..." said Samus, her smile fading.

"Four more people are going to do it after you," replied Pikachu.

"This is why I turn to drinking!" sobbed Samus. "Make your way to the next whatever!"

_Peach  
On Road Block_

"I am officially ordering you to hurry the hell up!" barked Zelda. "Don't test my patience!"

Peach weakly sobbed something about needing to feel good down the walkie-talkie, unable to compose herself.

"Positive reinforcement? We're in a race, you imbecile!" screeched Zelda.

"But you keep screaming at me and it's very disorientating and I'm scared!" wailed Peach.

"Shut up!" roared Zelda. "I'm coming in there and I'll do that task good and proper! Then the race will be mine and I'll crush all of the other teams into dust!"

"I still don't know if I can do this!" sobbed Peach.

Peach lay down on the ground, convulsing wildly in a puddle of tears. Great reality TV.

"Hmm..." thought Zelda. "On second thought, it's way funnier to not help her and to listen to her suffering out here..."

_Rose Town Airport  
Last Flight Landed_

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Man, that was the longest flight of my life," grimaced Falco, hailing a taxi. "Feels like months since we've been on film."

"We pengizzles is a flightless species," sighed King Dedede. "It probably was the longest flizzle o' ma lizzle."

"What are you implying?" asked Falco, reading his cue card.

"Well, this is winta', right?" asked King Dedede. "Y'all migrates about this time, y'dig?"

"Can we disappear for months again?" Falco angrily asked the camera.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Wow-a, I can't believe we won Survivor-a!" beamed Mario, getting into his cab.

"I know! They even let us ride first class back home!" grinned Sonic. "That was a great season! So, do you have our winnings?"

"No-a," said Mario, concerned. "I thought you-a had them."

"Oh, I see, this is still our alternate reality race comic arc," realised Sonic. "Yeah, uh, this is special issue 5. You know, the one where we leave and don't reappear until the fifty-fifth page?"

"Lame-a," scoffed Mario.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"I will tell you this," Falco told the camera. "We did something a little underhanded on the flight."

"Our motizzles may be unclear," admitted King Dedede.

"If anything, it's because we're tired of being the race's red-headed stepchild team," said Falco.

"So here's the dealio," continued King Dedede.

"Kirby and Meta Knight are currently stowed in the plane's luggage compartment," revealed Falco.

_Vista Hill_

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

ROB used his jetpack to propel himself up the hill, guns blazing.

"Get ready to surrender, scum!" ordered ROB, firing his shotguns wildly.

"Nobody's fighting here, my good man," said Crazy Hand nervously.

"Wait a minute, is this the pit stop?" asked Mr. Game and Watch. "We were hoping on some kind of liberal gathering. So that isn't why those two gay guys were so eager to get here?"

"That one wasn't funny," said Crazy Hand.

"I know," sighed Mr. Game and Watch, dropping his drill sergeant voice. "Can you just check us in?"

"ROB and Mr. Game and Watch, you are team number three!" said Crazy Hand.

_Rose Town Inn_

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Salutations, fellows!" smiled Falco, walking into the bar. "Is the cluebox somewhere around here?"

"What's wrong with your skin?" grunted a bar patron.

"What do y'all mean?" asked Dedede.

"It's all blue," grunted the patron. "It's creepy. Freaks. I bet you're murderers."

"Kirby and Meta Knight are not dead now give me the clue!" screamed Falco abruptly.

Everybody looked shocked.

Falco quickly took the clue. "Detour! Think or Drink!"

"What should we do?" asked Dedede.

"Let's do the drinking one, it's the shortest and this episode is beginning to drag on anyway," said Falco.

_Wario and Shadow  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"I can't believe-a the actors playing Mario and Sonic-a left when they remembered their Speed Bump-a," said Wario, walking into the bar.

"Luckily for us, there's still a large market for anti-hero replacements of the main heroes," said Shadow. "What do we have to do for this Speed Bump?"

"Wake up a sleeping-a inn traveller," read Wario, taking the clue.

"No wonder those other guys quit," sighed Shadow.

_Rose Town Airport_

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in Last Place_

"We're back!" exclaimed Kirby to the camera. "We have survived the trials and tribulations of the luggage conveyor belt! We're back and hammier than ever!"

"Who would ever expect the return of everyone's favourite puffballs?" demanded Meta Knight. "We are here to take the race by storm!"

"Now let's go and beat all of the other teams using our master strategy!" grinned Kirby. "Let's make them think that we're their friends!"

"They won't know what to do!" cackled Meta Knight, getting into a cab.

_Vista Hill_

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Honey, I know we had a rough leg, but I'm glad you've pretended to be so supportive," simpered Samus, as they ran to the mat.

"I got remarried while you were away," said Pikachu.

"I slept with like, a ton of guys off-camera," chuckled Samus.

"Samus and Pikachu, you are team number four!" greeted Crazy Hand.

"He was one of them!" beamed Samus.

"No, I wasn't," sighed Crazy Hand. "Please, I don't want to have to call security again."

"Isn't the security system nothing more than guard dogs and sniper fire?" asked Pikachu.

"Ask people from the first season, the running joke works," scoffed Crazy Hand. "You'd know if you survived past the third leg."

_Rose Town Inn_

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in 7th Place_

Kirby and Meta Knight barged into the inn, scanning the scene as dramatically as possible.

"Here's the clue box!" smiled Kirby, pulling out a clue.

"Was that the last one?" asked Meta Knight. "I swear, if those other two teams are ahead of us after what they did..."

"THEY WERE OUR FRIENDS!" screamed Kirby, malice dripping from every capital."Anyway, Detour. Think or Drink?"

"Think, definitely, we're amazing writers," lied Meta Knight.

_Mario and Sonic  
On Speed Bump_

"This is lame-a," deduced Mario, staring bleakly at the sleeping traveller.

"Why didn't we let our anti-heroes do it again?" asked Sonic.

"I don't want-a to be too explicit, but I want them to die painfully after we do the Atlas pose and crush-a them," replied Mario.

Sonic performed the Atlas pose on the inn traveller.

"Like this?" asked Sonic, his arms quivering.

Sonic dropped the traveller on his spines.

"Oh god, the pain!" cried the traveller, dying.

"Hey, he woke up to scream that!" beamed Sonic. "We can get our clue!"

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in Last Place_

"Detour-a! Think or Drink-a?" asked Mario, reading the clue.

"Drink, we can't afford to waste time travelling," replied Sonic.

_Falco and King Dedede  
On Drink_

Falco gamely took a drink of the Super Shroom Shake.

"My word, that was disgusting," spluttered Falco. "Your turn, Deeds."

"A'ight, yo, gimme sum o' dat," said King Dedede.

"Whoa, whoa, who let him in the bar?" asked the large gruff dude. "If we wanted to hear somebody with a funny speech impediment, we'd allow Frank's brother to drink here again."

"That's stupid," argued Falco. "Why, your hero Mario has a speech impediment!"

"Yeah, but his is tolerable and doesn't take too long to type!" retorted the gruff large dude. "Your friend better speak normally right now, or else!"

"Havers, chaps," exclaimed King Dedede. "All this fuss over me is exponentially unproductive. I recommend letting me drink now."

King Dedede swallowed all of his Super Shroom Shake in one gulp.

"That was incredible!" gasped Falco enthusiastically.

"Yo, let's split!" cried Dedede, swiping the clue.

Falco did the Woody Woodpecker laugh, pecked the large gruff dude, and dashed off.

Oh, you knew that joke was happening eventually. If it hasn't already.

_Mario and Sonic  
On Drink_

Mario walked into the back room of the bar.

"Mario!" shouted all of the patrons.

"What's going on, Mr. Mario?" asked the large gruff dude.

"It's-a Koopa-eat-Koopa world-a out there, and I'm-a wearing turtle-food dungarees-a," replied Mario.

"Wow, everybody in here seems to know your name," noticed Sonic.

"Hey, I'm a hero-a," replied Mario. "I gotta have a cool name-a."

Mario downed the Super Shroom Shake easily. "Add it to my tab-a."

"Come on, my name's Sonic," scoffed Sonic. "How much cooler can you get?"

Sonic was presented with his Super Shroom Shake.

"Uh, hello, where the heck's my bendy straw?" demanded Sonic.

Sonic reluctantly began to slowly sip his Super Shroom Shake.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Make y'all's way to da Rawest Forest entrizzle," read King Dedede. "Caution, U-Turn ahead!"

"I bet we've been U-Turned," sighed Falco. "It's exactly the kind of thing the other teams would do to us. Just because we're birds. And every other race, it seems."

"Y'know, you be strikin' me as a stereotypical honky," frowned Dedede.

"I know, I feel like such a WASP but I'm still persecuted like one of you people," scoffed Falco.

King Dedede cracked his knuckles.

"Let's just go," said Falco hastily.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

Sonic was completely inebriated, by the way.

"My name sucks!" wailed Sonic. "Sonic the Hedgehog...more like...Catatonic...the...failure!"

"Nothing-a to see here," chuckled Mario nervously to the cameraman.

"My daddy was right! I _should_ live in the yard!" sobbed Sonic. "I'm not even fit to drink this drain cleaner!"

"Sonic-a, it's alcohol," replied Mario.

POW! Sonic downed the entire stock of Super Shroom Shake.

"Let's go, I'm bottling up my feelings," said Sonic. "Make your way to the Rawest Forest entrance!"

"Caution-a! U-Turn ahead!" read Mario.

RELAPSE! Sonic burst into tears.

"Everyone will U-Turn us because I'm fat and ugly and worthless!" sobbed Sonic.

_Gaz's House_

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
On Think_

"And then," grinned Kirby stupidly, brandishing his plush Bowser, "Bowser leaps into the sky triumphantly!"

"Mallow throws confetti in the air!" shouted Meta Knight, throwing paper everywhere.

"W-what happened to the princess?" asked Gaz fearfully, cuddling his Geno doll.

Kirby hastily put a surgical mask on Bowser's face.

"We found lesions in her kidneys," said Kirby gravely. "We'll be starting treatment immediately."

"Is she going to be okay?" asked Gaz.

"Yes," said Kirby, putting his hand on Gaz's shoulder. "Yes she is."

"Wow, that was riveting!" smiled Gaz. "Have a clue!"

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in Last Place_

"We are the kings of primetime drama!" boasted Meta Knight proudly, opening the clue. "Make your way to the Rawest Forest entrance! Caution, U-Turn ahead!"

Kirby gave Gaz a deep bow.

"We'll come back and start production on the fifth season right after we win the race," promised Kirby.

"I'll bet we're gonna coast through this leg," grinned Meta Knight.

"No doubt about it," smirked Kirby, getting into a cab.

_Rose Town Inn_

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Dag yo, why can't we get a taxi?" asked King Dedede furiously, trying and failing to flag one down.

"It's got to be something," mused Falco. "Say, where's your hat?"

"Aw snap, it got dropped, yo," noticed Dedede, bending over to pick up his hat.

Falco noticed strange tufts of hair on Dedede's scalp.

"You're a bleached blonde?" asked Falco.

"So?" asked Dedede.

"I'm a natural blonde!" said Falco, rubbing his blue feather dye off. "Now we can have more fun in the race!"

Falco and Dedede linked arms, skipping into the street.

A taxi ran them over.

They got inside, ashamed.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"If only we had some way of alerting the taxis to our presence..." frowned Sonic, failing to flag a taxi.

"Wait-a! That's it! Our-a capes!" beamed Mario.

Mario took out his cape and waved it frantically.

"Oh right!" said Sonic happily.

Sonic took out Silver's corpse and waved it frantically.

A cab swerved to avoid the Silver pelt and crashed into a lamppost.

"Hurry-a!" called Mario. "Get in!"

_Rawest Forest_

_Peach  
On Road Block_

"You're worthless and weak!" screamed Zelda, holding a loudspeaker to her walkie-talkie. "I should have done this Road Block! You suck eggs, wench!"

"I'm really sorry, sir!" whined Peach, stepping on another beartrap. "It's all these traps! It's making this too hard! I can see the clue box, I just can't get to it!"

"Oh shut up!" roared Zelda. "You're pathetic!"

Peach heard a rustling noise on her walkie-talkie.

"What are you doing?" asked Peach.

"I'm trying to grind these cyanide pills into the walkie-talkie so they can reach you and kill you!" shouted Zelda.

"That makes no sense!" sobbed Peach, crawling forwards desperately.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"We'll pay you extra to go faster," offered Falco. "Give him the money, Deeds."

King Dedede gave the cab driver some mad bling, holmes.

"Say, why aren't you two in the trunk?" asked the driver.

"What?" asked Dedede, confused.

"It's the dog on furniture thing all over again," replied the driver. "You guys, I respect you to the extent the law requires, but I don't want feathers all over my seats. I'm pulling over."

One pull-over later, Falco and King Dedede were in the trunk.

"So, do you think we're still ahead of the other two teams?" asked Falco, muffled.

"No," frowned Dedede, also muffled.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"You know, in your efforts to flag me down, you destroyed my cab," fumed the driver angrily.

"Nobody cares-a, just drive!" ordered Mario.

"I wrecked a lamppost," continued the cab driver.

"Government will pay for it," shrugged Sonic.

"Three people died," said the cab driver.

"Had it-a coming," scoffed Mario.

"You superheroes are real liabilities!" shouted the driver.

"Pfft, you're the one who crashed your car," said Sonic.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"Nice work this leg, Andy the janitor!" chuckled Meta Knight.

"You weren't so bad yourself!" laughed Kirby heartily.

"Oh, there's definitely still a chance we've survived this leg!" laughed Meta Knight.

"Nobody could possibly U-Turn us!" cheered Kirby.

_Peach  
On Road Block_

"I swear, I'm trying my hardest to get this task done!" assured Peach, tearfully crawling through layers and layers of traps. "Aren't you proud of me?"

"Shut up!" ordered Zelda. "Just do it!"

"Yeah, okay," sighed Peach, resigned. She began making her way through piano wire.

"Eventually the pain will start making you angry and violent!" said Zelda gleefully. "It's the best feeling in the world!"

Peach ignored her, instead biting the aerial off of her walkie-talkie.

"We can be pain friends together!" cheered Zelda, thinking Peach could hear her.

Peach freed herself from the piano wire and began punching her walkie-talkie furiously.

"Come on, get that clue!" urged Zelda.

Peach threw her walkie-talkie against a tree, breaking it in half.

"Don't you dare stop!" roared Zelda.

Peach ripped the wires and circuit boards into little pieces, and snatched the clue. She was warped back to Zelda thanks to the bad CGI.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"What took you so long?" snapped Zelda, punching Peach in the face.

Peach took the blow silently.

"Make your way to the next pit stop, Vista Hill," read Zelda. "Let's run for it."

Peach ran silently.

_Vista Hill_

Peach and Zelda ran the imposing 2 miles to Vista Hill.

"Here's the mat!" said Zelda, stepping on the mat. Peach mutely followed.

"Peach and Zelda....rough leg?" asked Crazy Hand.

Peach nodded.

"Well, I've got good news for you," said Crazy Hand.

Zelda groaned.

"You're team number five, you are still in the race!" grinned Crazy Hand. "I understand that there's been some friction between you two?"

"Pfft, Peach here doesn't put up any resistance," shrugged Zelda. "It was business as normal."

"Is this concrete?" asked Peach.

"Ah, you noticed the new mat!" smiled Crazy Hand.

Peach grabbed Zelda's neck and slammed her face into the concrete mat.

_Rawest Forest_

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

Falco and King Dedede got out of the trunk, completely bald.

"Wait, if we shaved ourselves bare, why were we still in the trunk?" asked Falco.

"Dag, yo," frowned Dedede.

"Look, there's the U-Turn mat!" noticed Falco. "Should we U-Turn one of those other two teams?"

"Naw man, we lost all dat time pullin' ova' to get in the hood," said King Dedede. "We is probably last."

"Yeah, you're right," nodded Falco. "We choose not to U-Turn!"

_Mario and__Sonic  
__**Superheroes**_

"Wow, **look**," noticed Sonic, getting out **of** the **cab**. "There's the U-Turn mat!"

"We choose **not** to **U-Turn-a**," declared Mario.

"Do you **think **that **was** the right choice?" asked Sonic.

"To **be** honest-a, **I** don't really care," **shrugged** Mario.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Road Block!" read Falco. "Hmm...navigating this maze should be easy for one of our kind, Deeds."

"Yeah, we'd be way betta' than a damn humanizzle!" scoffed Dedede.

"Looks like we're the superior race today!" laughed Falco. "Do you want to do this, or will I?"

"Nah, I'll do it," accepted King Dedede, taking the walkie-talkie.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Road-a Block!" read Mario. "Stay here, loyal-a ward! I'll handle this!"

"Well, if you're sure!" smiled Sonic dimly. "I'll just chill out here with Falco! We can talk to you on walkie-talkies!"

"I have my super hearing-a," scoffed Mario.

Mario took a step into the forest.

"My super powers-a!" shrieked Mario. "They're gone! How-a has this happened?"

"Kryptonite trees?" asked Sonic.

"You never had them to begin with?" suggested Falco.

"SHUT UP-A I TOTALLY DID-A!" screamed Mario, seizing a walkie-talkie.

_King Dedede  
On Road Block_

"Okay, yo," said Dedede to himself. "I has Irish roots, so I betta' get liquored up before trying 'dis maze..."

"You're not playing into that stereotype, are you?" asked Falco, dismayed. "Come on, Deeds, that one's old. The Irish happen to be a very proud, wonderful race of peo-"

"Shut up and make me a sammich befo' I beat y'all's sorry ass!" threatened Dedede, already drunk.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Currently in Last Place_

"Oh no, look!" noticed Kirby. "The other two teams are already here!"

He pointed to Falco and Sonic, who were waiting for their teammates.

"Well, we can't U-Turn anyone," frowned Meta Knight.

"We can't give up," said Kirby. "These two teams are stupid, we'll pass them."

Falco and Sonic looked offended.

"Hi guys!" waved Kirby.

Falco and Sonic did not respond.

"Pfft, they're too stupid to talk," scoffed Kirby. "Road Block!"

"I'll do it," said Meta Knight. "Can't I fly or something?"

_King Dedede  
On Road Block_

"Wow, yo, this task is easy!" smiled King Dedede, making quick work of half of the maze. "Falcs, we be done in no time, dawg!"

Dedede stumbled forward and landed on a pile of no less than five thousand bear traps.

Dedede screamed in pain.

"My bad," said Falco through the walkie-talkie. "I was using my mystical nomad powers I get once every year to try and lure Mario into the traps. Guess I missed."

King Dedede whimpered and pulled the bear traps out of his eyes.

"Just pull yourself together, I suppose?" shrugged Falco.

King Dedede was frozen in fear.

"Oh crap," sighed Falco. "I can see how the next few seconds are going to pan out."

_Mario  
On Road Block_

"Super Mario-a RPG, it is the only one just-a for me..." hummed Mario, effortlessly following the maze.

"How are you getting this done so fast?" asked Sonic, amazed. Falco furiously asked the same thing in the background.

"Because exiting the forest is super simple-a," replied Mario. "All you do is follow these path turns-a."

"That's it?" asked Sonic.

"For the rest-a of your gaming life," nodded Mario. "Hey, look, there's-a King Dedede."

Mario walked up to Dedede, who was still frozen.

Mario punched Dedede in the gut.

Mario stole Dedede's wallet.

Mario traced an 'M' on the ground with his sword and ran away to the clue box, a few path turns ahead.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

Mario was warped back out to Sonic.

"That was super-a easy!" grinned Mario, handing Sonic the clue.

"Make your way to Vista Hill, the pit stop for this leg of the race," read Sonic. "Warning, the last team to check in may be eliminated."

"We should-a hurry!" realised Mario.

"Hey Mario?" asked Sonic. "Why are they called path turns? Why not just paths?"

"If that Super Mario RPG-a song can do it, we can," replied Mario.

_King Dedede  
On Road Block_

"Dedede?" asked Falco.

Dedede was still frozen.

"Dedede?!" demanded Falco.

Dedede was still frozen.

"Oh for the love of-DEDEDE!" screamed Falco.

Dedede was still frozen.

"That's it!" shouted Falco. "Release the running gag!"

Guard dogs sprinted into the race, ravaging Dedede. Falco flew in the air and backed up the guard dogs with sniper fire.

"Oh yeah, the taskizzle," remembered Dedede. "Falcs, I don't know if I can handle another trap, mang."

"Use your guys!" urged Falco.

Dedede wondered what he meant.

_Vista Hill_

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"We must keep running!" cried Sonic. "Crazy Hand has demanded that if he does not see us immediately, all of the hostages will die!"

"Oh, that's bad-a," realised Mario. "Still, how great is it that we passed-a the birds?"

"So great," laughed Sonic. "Now we've won the leg, and those other five teams' flight won't get in for at least thirty pages."

Mario and Sonic ran onto the mat in an annoyingly smarmy way.

"Mario and Sonic, you are team number six!" greeted Crazy Hand.

"Oh, we're the bad-a flight," remembered Mario.

"Just think, if we hadn't made Wario and Shadow do the Speed Bump, we'd probably have been eliminated!" laughed Sonic.

"What?" asked Crazy Hand.

_Rawest Forest_

_King Dedede  
On Road Block_

"Come on Dedede!" urged Falco. "This one's for the motherland!"

"Yo, Comrade, I'm trying as fast as I can!" whined King Dedede. "Your plan's working very slowly, dawg!"

King Dedede was being carried down the final path turn at half a mile an hour by his Waddle Dees.

"But you've got to finish!" cried Falco. "Meta Knight's flying along the trail of blood, and he's doing it fast! Time is of the essence!"

"Eurekizzle!" gasped Dedede. He pulled out a vial labelled 'Time Essence'.

"I can see how the next few seconds are going to pan out," admitted Falco, biting his talons.

_Meta Knight  
On Road Block_

"I hate you Dedede!" shouted Meta Knight in his 'scary' voice. "You oppressive fascist! I'm going to catch up to you and make you suffer! You will die by my hand! You will be eliminated so hard it will rock your very core!"

"Shout some stuff about his Waddle Dees!" shouted Kirby.

"Your minions are dying from being under your massive weight, you fat piece of crap!" screamed Meta Knight. "I'm following their, your, and what appears to be Peach's and Captain Falcon's blood to the clue box as we speak!"

"Man, I love this," smiled Kirby.

"This is what pep talks are, right?" asked Meta Knight, throwing his sword at the rubber trees growing in front of him.

_King Dedede  
On Road Block_

"Here we is, bois!" grinned Dedede, as his Waddle Dee posse dropped him off at the clue box. "I'd like to thank all y'all. Jermaine, Shaquafafa, Obamaniqua, Montel, Darnell, Duracell..."

Meta Knight's sword bounced between the trees towards King Dedede.

"...Raphael, Donatello, Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Pablopicasso..."

Meta Knight flew furiously towards King Dedede.

"...Stereotypisha, Playedoutjoqua, Notfunnia..."

Meta Knight's sword stabbed Dedede in the back. Meta Knight himself appeared, retrieved his sword, and engaged Dedede.

"Oh no you don't, holmes!" shouted Dedede. "Y'all is going to have to catch me firstizzle!"

Dedede swiped the clue and was teleported away. Meta Knight joined him.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Oh, hey, you're done?" greeted Falco. "Let's see the clue...Make your way to Vista Hi-"

King Dedede grabbed Falco by the collar and threw him in the direction of Vista Hill.

"Run, yo," urged King Dedede.

Falco opened his mouth to protest.

_Kirby and Meta Knight  
Roommates_

"Wow, why's Dedede so steamed?" asked Kirby, as Meta Knight appeared next to him.

"You're running. I'm fighting," said Meta Knight at once, taking up his sword.

Meta Knight turned to face Dedede.

"Don't make me kill you," he snarled.

"Meta Knight, homie, mah allegiance is to da race, to democracy!" protested King Dedede.

Falco caught on. "Oh good god, no."

"If you're not with me...then you are my enemy," said Meta Knight, swinging his sword.

"Yo! Only a camera hog deals in absolizzles!" gasped Dedede. "I will do what I must, dawg!"

King Dedede ignited his lightsaber.

Falco sighed heavily and ran.

_Vista Hill_

The two teams ran towards the hill, King Dedede and Meta Knight still furiously sword fighting.

"Kirby, let's ditch these two and form our own team," suggested Falco.

"Hell no, I want to see how this ends!" protested Kirby.

Dedede and Meta Knight threw their ripoff fodder weapons aside and began fistfighting.

"You come in here with your robe and your servants, but nobody respects you!" snarled Meta Knight, punching Dedede in the gut.

"You change allegiance every game, dawg! What's that all about?" demanded King Dedede, stepping on Meta Knight.

"Go Meta Knight!" cheered Kirby. "Fight for every stolen cake! Fight for every greedy political move! Fight for every time he made us call him the Fresh King of Dream Land!"

"Can I join the sane people?" asked Falco, gesturing to the mat.

"Sorry, you need the other one," said Crazy Hand.

"I need the spinoff!" roared Meta Knight, strangling Dedede.

"I need da respect!" bellowed King Dedede, strangling Meta Knight.

"This is awesome!" cheered Kirby, eating popcorn.

"Crazy Hand, can't you do anything about this?" asked Falco. "It's embarrassing."

"I can't show bias against teams," replied Crazy Hand. "That said, I don't like either of you."

"I guess I'll have to get involved," sighed Falco.

Falco took out his Blaster and shot Meta Knight.

"Dedede!" shouted Falco. "He's only going to be stunned for a second! Run!"

Kirby ran over to Meta Knight and picked him up.

"No! You've got to keep beating him up!" cried Kirby, slapping Dedede with Meta Knight's fist. "For Dream Land!"

King Dedede began to waddle towards the mat just as Meta Knight regained consciousness.

"Bite his neck!" shouted Kirby. "Turn him into a vampire bat!"

"I'm not a vampire bat," said Meta Knight.

"What?" raged Kirby. "But vampires are totally in!"

Falco shot both Kirby and Meta Knight, stunning them. King Dedede tripped over his own robes, allowing the puffballs to charge towards the mat. As Dedede stood up, he swung his hammer, crushing Kirby. Meta Knight twirled his cloak and appeared behind Falco, slicing his foot off. Falco picked up the foot and kicked Meta Knight in the crotch with it. Kirby groggily stood up and stepped on the mat. King Dedede used his Super Dedede Jump, sending Falco and Meta Knight flying through the air. They both landed on Crazy Hand, who smiled apologetically at the camera.

Falco rolled off of Crazy Hand and landed onto the mat next to Kirby.

Meta Knight rolled off too, but being lighter made him take longer to fall.

"Deeds!" shouted Falco. "It's time for our secret weapon!"

"Got it, yo!" nodded King Dedede.

Falco turned away.

King Dedede took off his hat, revealing the horrors underneath.

"Oh, that's disgusting!" screamed Kirby, shielding his eyes.

"Are they looking at the pincers?" asked Falco.

"I'm literally frozen in fear!" gasped Meta Knight, frozen in mid-air.

King Dedede walked up to Meta Knight, put him on his head, and put his hat back on.

Meta Knight screamed in agony.

Dedede lifted the hat, threw Meta Knight aside, and stepped onto the mat.

"Falco and King Dedede...that was unspeakable...anyway, oh, yeah, you're team number seven!" awarded Crazy Hand.

"Yay!" grinned Dedede.

Falco turned back too early and vomited profusely all over the mat.

"Oh, sorry homie," said Dedede, putting the hat back on.

Kirby sighed and dragged the almost-catatonic Meta Knight onto the mat.

"Well, what can I say?" asked Kirby. "It's a great opportunity to race a third of the way around the world with your roommate, your best friend. I am so lucky to have made it this far. If only further...if only..."

Kirby nudged Meta Knight.

"Uh...he completes me," said Meta Knight in a hoarse voice.

"Yeah, great," said Crazy Hand. "Kirby and Meta Knight, you are the last team to arrive, and I'm sorry to tell you that you have both been eliminated from the race."

"Aww..." pouted Kirby.

"Showboated all the way to the very end, huh?" asked Crazy Hand.

"Yeah, that fight was largely staged," admitted Meta Knight. "Was it good enough for a spinoff?"

"You guys really wanted it, didn't you?" asked Crazy Hand kindly.

"More than the million dollars!" agreed Kirby hopefully.

"More than the-are you badmouthing the prizes I give out?" screamed Crazy Hand angrily. "Get out of here! I never want to see you two ever again!"

Kirby and Meta Knight sobbed and ran away.

"I can't believe I was actually going to give them the spinoff!" shouted Crazy Hand, stomping off. "Of all the...oh, what are **you** looking at?"

Crazy Hand punched the boom mic operator in the throat, killing him immediately.

"If one more screw up like this happens, I'm done!" threatened Crazy Hand.

Falco and King Dedede blinked.

Crazy Hand stormed off to his dressing room, knocking over valuable equipment in the process.

...

...

"_I'll admit, I lost it," admitted Crazy Hand in the DVD commentary._

* * *

Arrival Times! _("You know, about half of these are fake," chuckled Crazy Hand in the commentary.)_

Ness and Lucas: 9:11pm

Snake and Falcon: 9:42pm

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch: 10:09pm

Samus and Pikachu: 10:13pm

Peach and Zelda: 11:50pm

Mario and Sonic: 12:14am

Falco and King Dedede: 12:20am

**Kirby and Meta Knight: 12:21am - ELIMINATED **

**

* * *

**

Well, wasn't that just the bees' knees? Please review, telling me who you want to win, be eliminated, like, dislike, anything!

So, next leg this time next year, then?


	6. Their Ilk Cannot Be Wed!

"Previously on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" recapped Crazy Hand. "Eight teams departed Hyrule and travelled to the Mushroom Kingdom!"

"The leg began with a power struggle over which teams would ride Epona the horse!"

"_Look! A super method of reclaiming our status as the best team!" noticed Sonic, outrunning everyone else and getting to Epona first._

"_I want to ride the horse!" whined Captain Falcon, getting there second._

_ROB quickly ravaged both Sonic and Falcon with guard dogs and sniper fire. The guard dog was Mr. Game and Watch in a clumsy disguise._

"_Is there an evil plot to get ahead here?" demanded ROB. "Tell me now or I'll call in an air strike!"_

"_Guys, we can share the horsie, can't we?" asked Samus politely._

"Pikachu quickly intervened..."

"_Listen, everybody just line up for the horse!" shouted Pikachu. "I'm tired of this immaturity! Now, I'll go first, with Snake and Falcon at the back because the gays are immoral! Besides, I'm pretty sure this is a female horse. Just FYI."_

"...losing respect in the process!"

"_We didn't want to hang out on a horse looking at Pikachu all day anyway," scoffed Falcon._

"Kirby began an illustrious new career as a janitor, but his antics quickly pushed him and two other teams to the back of the pack!"

"_And you!" shouted the manager at the cameraman. "Put down that camera and hurry up with the customers! Those two guys have been phoning me thinking I'm some sort of crazy informant type!"_

_He pointed at Falco and King Dedede, huddled protectively around a payphone._

"_And those two guys have been doing nothing of interest for a few pages!" continued the manager._

_He pointed at Mario and Sonic, who were robbing Falco and King Dedede's payphone._

_The cameraman, the newly crowned Andy the janitor and Meta Knight all glanced at each other._

"_...Kirby and Meta Knight, Falco and King Dedede, and Mario and Sonic are all on the fourth flight to Rose Town!" said Crazy Hand._

"Some teams raced consistently..."

"_Bowser jumped out of an alleyway with a big stick and beat them to death!" roared Zelda maniacally, putting a knife in her Bowser doll's hand and ramming him against the other two._

_Mr. Game and Watch shot Lucas in the gut with his shotgun and sprinkled his blood all over the floor._

"_...Play with it a little in your mouth," said Snake._

"...until they hit a harrowing Road Block!"

"_Oh, we're never going to get out of here!" sobbed Falcon hysterically._

_Peach lay down on the ground, convulsing wildly in a puddle of tears. Great reality TV._

_King Dedede whimpered and pulled the bear traps out of his eyes._

"In the end, Ness and Lucas triumphed!"

"_Ness and Lucas, you are team number one!" awarded Crazy Hand._

"_Incredible!" cheered Lucas, throwing his backpack aside._

"_This is awesome!" smiled Ness. "Give me some sugar, holmes!"_

"While Kirby and Meta Knight were eliminated!"

"_Yeah, that fight was largely staged," admitted Meta Knight. "Was it good enough for a spinoff?"_

"_You guys really wanted it, didn't you?" asked Crazy Hand kindly._

"_More than the million dollars!" agreed Kirby hopefully._

"_More than the-are you badmouthing the prizes I give out?" screamed Crazy Hand angrily. "Get out of here! I never want to see you two ever again!"_

"Seven teams remain, who will be eliminated next?"

* * *

The Teams!

Samus/Pikachu (Substance Abuse)

Snake/Falcon (Sexual Content)

Peach/Zelda (Violence)

Falco/King Dedede (Discrimination)

ROB/Mr. Game and Watch (Fear)

Mario/Sonic (Delusions of Grandeur)

Ness/Lucas (Teen Pregnancy)

* * *

"This is the Mushroom Kingdom!" declared Crazy Hand, smarmily floating around for the camera. "A large world with a significant amount of political turmoil!"

Crazy Hand floated around a monument of Bowser kidnapping Peach.

"And this is Star Hill!" introduced Crazy Hand. "When wishes are made, they appear in star form here! This was also the fifth pit stop in a race around the world! Teams arrived here at the end of the last leg for a mandatory rest period, where they can eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams!"

_King Dedede performed a Valentine's Day rap for everybody._

_Snake and Falcon surreptitiously exchanged cards, not seeing the camera crew._

_ROB entered 'what is love' into his own search engine and became a giant iPod dock._

"Can Snake and Falcon regroup after suffering their first communication falter in the race?" asked Crazy Hand. "And will Falco and King Dedede and Mario and Sonic be able to recover and join the rest of the pack?"

"Ness and Lucas, who were the first to arrive at 9:11pm, will depart at 9:11am!"

_Ness and Lucas  
1__st__ to Depart, 9:11am_

Lucas opened the clue.

"Make your way to Pipe Plaza..." read Lucas.

"_Teams must now make their way to Pipe Plaza, the plaza famous for having lots of pipes...uh...in Mario Kart!" said Crazy Hand. "There, teams will find their next clue!"_

"You have four hundred and eight dollars for this leg of the race," finished Lucas, counting the money.

"Ready to win?" asked Ness.

"Well, I'm almost sure we'll get eliminated this time," scoffed Lucas.

"Only almost sure?" asked Ness.

"Ness, racing with you has taught me that the margin for error isn't a margin at all," replied Lucas. "It's a freaking chasm. We got lucky once. Let's just keep moving."

"I think we should retrace our steps," suggested Ness. "You know, for...uh...research! Oh, and I need to wash my hair."

"No, let's go to Pipe Plaza first," said Lucas. "You know, like it says on the clue."

Lucas hailed a taxi and threw Ness inside.

"Lucas, you're too impulsive!" whined Ness as Lucas followed him in. "I want to take a more thorough approach!"

"Washing your hair is not thorough," sighed Lucas.

"Maybe not for you," scoffed Ness, pulling a string of grease out of Lucas' hair.

Lucas' Elvis hairstyle collapsed into a bowlcut.

Lucas sighed.

_Snake and Falcon  
2__nd__ to Depart, 9:42am_

"I lanced my boil," said Falcon, showing Snake his bare thigh.

"Looks very firm," nodded Snake, not listening. "Oh, we're rolling."

Snake opened the clue.

"Make your way to Pipe Plaza," read Snake.

"Four hundred and eight dollars," confirmed Falcon, folding the money away. "Are we going to talk about what happened last leg?"

"Huh?" asked Snake.

"I don't like having people be mean to me!" pouted Falcon. "You were rude and unsupportive when I was in that maze!"

"I was providing reality show drama!" replied Snake. "I thought you loved that!"

"Ohhh!" realised Falcon. "I do love it! In that case, Snake, you can go to hell!"

"I hope you go to jail!" laughed Snake.

"I hope nobody goes to your funeral!" laughed Falcon.

"I hope jail only serves rotting blubber!" laughed Snake.

"I hope someone punches all your teeth out and you choke to death on your own drool!" laughed Falcon.

Snake and Falcon skipped away, arm-in-arm.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
3__rd__ to Depart, 10:09am_

"Hello? Clue?" asked Mr. Game and Watch, holding the clue to his ear. "Do you read me? Or do I read you? Hello? Anyone?"

"Nobody," frowned ROB.

"Drat," cursed Mr. Game and Watch, ripping open the clue in frustration. "Oh, look, let's go to Pipe Plaza."

"Come on!" ordered ROB. "Double time! We're third out of seven! Not good enough, maggot!"

"Why do you always get to be the CO?" asked Mr. Game and Watch.

"You've been the CO a couple of times!" raged ROB. "Now drop and give me twenty for that kind of back-talk!"

ROB got in a cab while Mr. Game and Watch got started on his pushups.

The cab made a U-turn and picked Mr. Game and Watch up.

_Pipe Plaza_

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Ah, there's the clue!" noticed Ness, sprinting out of the cab and to the clue box.

"Thank you, kind sir," said Lucas, paying the cab driver. "You really know how to handle a cab!"

"Ha, look who thinks he's so smart!" laughed Ness from the clue box. "It's pronounced taxi, dumbass! The c is silent!"

"Seriously, I want to kill those casting directors as soon as we get eliminated," sighed Lucas, opening the clue.

"Uh, if you said you're almost sure we'll be eliminated, what's the other part of the almost?" asked Ness innocently.

"Every other position," replied Lucas in disbelief.

"Missionary?" asked Ness, confused.

"No!" shouted Lucas. "You idiot! Read the clue!"

"Defensive!" teased Ness. "Anyway, uh, make your way to Star Road..."

"_Teams must now make their way to Star Road!" said Crazy Hand. "Once there, teams will have to find a signup sheet on the Star Gate!"_

"Oh boy, the Star Gate!" beamed Ness.

"It's not that one, you dunce," replied Lucas.

"Fiddlesticks!" pouted Ness.

_Samus and Pikachu  
4__th__ to Depart, 10:13am_

"Make your way to Pipe Plaza!" read Samus. "Sounds sexy."

"It does?" asked Pikachu.

"Everything's sexy when I'm with you, honey!" giggled Samus.

"Even me?" asked Pikachu hopefully.

"Uh, let's not go that far," said Samus. "But I guess you'd be sexy too if you put any effort into it."

"Take me in your arms, you sweet-talking stud!" swooned Pikachu, fainting.

"Aw man, you're heavy!" pouted Samus, painstakingly inching her way along.

_Peach and Zelda  
5__th__ to Depart, 11:50am_

Zelda scalped the clue.

"Make your way to Pipe Plaza," read Zelda.

"You know something, Miss Zelda?" asked Peach. "I actually feel pretty good about being in fifth place! I mean, it's not like we absolutely _have_ to win the legs! Only not coming last counts until we reach the end, right?"

"Shut up!" screamed Zelda. "We've never placed higher than fifth! You suck! Now shut up and walk to Pipe Plaza!"

"Shouldn't we get a cab so we can come fourth or better?" asked Peach.

"Don't undermine me!" raged Zelda, snapping Peach's shin in half.

"But Pipe Plaza's such a long walk!" whined Peach. "It'd take hours on foot!"

"Then you'll travel on all fours!" raged Zelda, forcing Peach down on her hands and knees. "Mush, knave!"

_Mario and Sonic  
6__th__ to Depart, 12:14pm_

"Make your! Way! To Pipe Plaza!" shatnered Mario.

"Egads, Mario!" robinned Sonic. "We better get a Taximobile!"

"By the power-a of Greyskull!" he-manned Mario. "We'd fare much-a better walking!"

"That's a terrible idea! It'll take forever on foot!" sonicced Sonic. "I'm tired of being in your shadow! I'll start my own crime-fighting justice team!"

Mario's lip quivered.

"I swear I'll jump-a!" screamed Mario, standing on the edge of the sidewalk.

Sonic pushed Mario.

_Pipe Plaza_

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Snake and Falcon skipped right into Pipe Plaza.

"Oh boy, Star Road!" beamed Snake, reading the clue.

"I sure hope we learn all the latest celebrity gossip!" smiled Falcon.

"I wonder if Angelina Jolie's still...wait for it...la, la, la, caught in a _brad_ romance!" laughed Snake.

"Oh my god, diva!" gasped Falcon. "That was amazing!"

"Thanks, I was saving it!" grinned Snake.

Snake and Falcon skipped into a taxi.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch's taxi swerved so far into Pipe Plaza that Mr. Game and Watch flew through the windshield and into a Warp Pipe.

"Comrade?" asked ROB, terrified. "Oh dear! He's not coming back! He's been kidnapped! We've been separated! It's Dessert Storm all over again! That sundae was huge!"

Mr. Game and Watch emerged from a pipe next to the clue.

"Recon mission complete!" said Mr. Game and Watch on his codec. "I've acquired the target! The cipher within has instructions to go to Star Road!"

"All I know is that Private Watch always entrusted me with his furniture!" sobbed ROB, not noticing his teammate. "His will was all-inclusive! I have inherited his carpet, including his Thatcher pelt! Also, Private Watch made a formal request that I inherit his vast fortune, largely composed of wallets stolen from fallen Nay-zee's in dubya dubya two!"

"Sweet macaroon, this is a badass mission," said Mr. Game and Watch, cocking his shotgun. "Star Road, get ready!"

"Goodnight, sweet prince!" cried ROB. "I hope Heaven has lots of Mormons for you to slice up!"

"Our sweet prince escort is dead?" asked Mr. Game and Watch, walking up to ROB. "No doubt he was murdered by our very own enemies! Drat! Once again, I am torn! Do I mourn the loss of Marth, or do I pursue my lifelong dream of making my body count match my age?"

ROB remembered locking somebody who may or may not have been Marth in the cab's trunk a few seconds ago.

"The first option shall be the way to go!" declared Mr. Game and Watch, opening the trunk.

Marth was unconscious.

"Rest in peace..." sighed Mr. Game and Watch.

Mr. Game and Watch shot Marth in the gut with his shotgun.

"...scumbag."

_Falco and King Dedede  
Last to Depart, 12:20pm_

"Unh, unh, a'ite, go to da' Pipe Plaza!" grinned King Dedede. "Yo, F, sounds like a fly club!"

"Why does it have to be fly?" asked Falco suspiciously. "At any rate, we can't waste time at clubs, Deeds. We're in last place! That's a bit of a disadvantage."

"Yo, I doubt it, we all about 2 get bunch'd in dis joint," shrugged Dedede.

"Well, if we work together, maybe we can creep into first out of that bunch," suggested Falco.

_Pipe Plaza_

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Alright, make your way to Star Road!" read Pikachu, having ripped open the clue. "Let's get going, Sammy!"

Samus was not there.

"Honey pie?" asked Pikachu, confused.

Samus jogged up to Pikachu, a long red hair on the shoulder of her suit.

"Sorry I'm late babycakes!" Samus simpered. "So, where are we going?"

"Hey, where'd this hair come from?" asked Pikachu. "And is that..._makeup_ on your codpiece?"

"Star Road, that sounds very interesting!" said Samus hurriedly, running back to the taxi.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Wow, we've apparently caught up!" beamed Peach, getting out of the taxi.

"The key to thwarting Team Vegas is to turn their lustful ways against them!" cackled Zelda. "I paid a prostitute to drive their cab. There is no way that Pikachu resisted her charms!"

"That's illegal!" gasped Peach. "As sovereign of the-"

"Oh shut up!" barked Zelda. "Once again, evil champions the day! Lawfulness and heroism can suck it."

"But Miss-"

Zelda took the clue out of the clue box so ferociously that she severed Peach's head.

"Make your way to Star Road!" read Zelda.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"Well, we're back in the taxi," said Pikachu tersely. "This may be awkward."

Samus fidgeted nervously.

"I just wish I'd realised earlier that I was married to a harlot," spat Pikachu.

Samus sweated.

"But no, this silent cab ride will be awesome," said Pikachu through gritted teeth.

"Let's get remarried!" blurted out Samus.

Pikachu cried tears of joy.

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink-Wearing Blondes_

"Muhahaha!" laughed Zelda evilly. "Samus and Pikachu, you fools are playing right into my gnarled, twisted hands! You will be mine! Oblivion! Death! Zalgo!"

Peach whimpered and covered her ears.

"Whimper away, cowardly fool," sneered Zelda. "My trusty knife is the only ally I need!"

Zelda threw her knife at one of Samus and Pikachu's cab's tires.

She missed.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"Why aren't we moving?" whined Falcon.

"Dougie, don't bother the nice man," said Snake softly.

Falcon edged closer to the front seat to bother the nice man.

"Excuse me, mister taxi driver minimum wage man, but why aren't we moving?" asked Falcon.

"Why, these are traffic lights, young sir," replied the driver kindly.

"But it's greeeeeeeeeen!" pouted Falcon. "That means you can go!"

"These are red," observed the driver. "Didn't you pass the red-green colour-blindness test in high school?"

"I was distracted by the school nurse's low-cut uniform," sulked Falcon. "Didn't go with her hair at all."

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch's driver steered sharply away from the traffic lights and onto a smaller road.

"What the Patton is going on?" demanded ROB. "Are we in some kind of moto-cross battle?"

"Shortcut," replied the driver briskly.

"Hello?" bellowed ROB out of the cab window. "Is everyone alright? Has anybody survived moto-cross? Preferably conservatives, but I swear I won't kill you if it turns out the libs won!"

An irate liberal Toad threw a rock at the cab.

"Did you hear that?" gasped Mr. Game and Watch, aghast.

"Sound the war-horns!" commanded ROB.

Mr. Game and Watch played the boss theme from Sonic the Hedgehog 2.

ROB got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.

_Pipe Plaza_

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

Mario dramatically dived through a network of Warp Pipes and appeared right next to the clue box, with Sonic sprinting up there at the same time.

"So Pipe Plaza's really got the other teams _piped_ out, huh?" asked Sonic.

"What-a?" asked Mario, confused.

"My new super power is to fire puns at breakneck speeds," claimed Sonic.

"My new super power is to solve-a the mystery-a of shutting yo' face!" laughed Mario.

"Make your way to Star Road..." read Sonic miserably.

Sonic meekly got into a cab.

"Oh-a, it sounds like pooped out-a, because we're all tired-a!" laughed Mario. "I get it-a!"

Mario followed Sonic into the cab, chortling.

"Wasn't-a funny," shrugged Mario.

_Star Road_

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Ah, look, they've got a signup board thing going on up there!" noticed Lucas, slamming the cab door shut.

Ness jogged up to the board and frowned. "Hours of operation: 6:00pm to 5:00am? What kind of night-time attraction is a glittering area coated with stars, anyway?"

"Well, we've got about five hours," noticed Lucas, checking his watch. "Think we should ask around nearby and find out what kind of things they do in Star Road?"

"Who are we going to ask?" asked Ness. "Nobody's going to come to a night-time attraction in the afternoon, you ass!"

"We're here right now!" argued Lucas. "Besides, I meant we could go and find a travel agent or somebody with a vacation planner or _anything_."

"But I wanna sit here and do nothing!" pouted Ness.

"I don't have to take this crap!" shouted Lucas theatrically. "I'm done, show! I get nothing but abuse! You can just hire a new actor to replace me!"

Lucas kicked the green screen down in anger and stormed off.

"It's a metaphor for breaking down the fourth wall," whispered Ness to the confused-looking Nielsen test audience.

Everyone nodded appreciatively and gave the show obscenely high ratings.

_Pipe Plaza_

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in Last Place_

The birds' cab pulled up to Pipe Plaza.

"We be here," declared King Dedede.

"Great! Do you think we passed any other teams on the way here?" asked Falco optimistically.

King Dedede took the last clue out of the box.

"Nah, man," sighed Dedede.

"Dammit. This is going as well as my last date," groaned Falco, while Dedede read the clue.

Dedede finished reading the clue and got into the cab.

"Don't you want me to elaborate?" asked Falco.

Dedede leaned over the passenger seat to honk the horn at Falco.

"Don't you _care?_" demanded Falco, storming back to the cab.

"Y'alls a nerdy bird loser, I gets it," said King Dedede impatiently. "_Everyone_ gets it, holmes."

_Star Road_

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Wait a minute, I know this feeling!" beamed Mr. Game and Watch. "This is second place's feeling! But why would we, the team in third place, be feeling as if we are in second place?"

"Do you think we're being rewarded for surviving the ordeal bestowed upon us by the motocross war?" asked ROB.

"Something's fishy," deduced Mr. Game and Watch. "We better watch each other's back."

"But yours is two dimensional..." griped ROB.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"Look, somebody got ahead of us while we were stuck in traffic!" pouted Falcon.

"Oh man, it looks like this is the end of our race career!" whined Snake. "Listen Falcon, if we're going to be eliminated anyway, I think there's only one thing left to say to each other!"

"Um, it's not that highly sensitive issue we discussed privately earlier alone, is it?" asked Falcon nervously.

"It's been really wonderful racing with you!" sobbed Snake melodramatically.

Falcon looked crestfallen.

"Oh, it's only ROB and Mr. Game and Watch that are ahead of us!" noticed Snake merrily. "We're still in a good position!"

"We always are," said Falcon slyly.

Snake and Falcon got out of their cab to meet up with the veterans.

"Gentlemen, we've got a situation on our hands," said ROB gravely. "My favourite colonel here and I have been unable to successfully locate our objective."

"Objective?" asked Snake.

"Sign-up sheet!" called a half-awake Ness from the back of their cab.

"Oh, right," nodded Snake. "Objective. Yes. Guess it's the wrong place then."

"But Ness and the commissioner are here," protested ROB. "This is clearly a diabolical scheme they have perpetrated in order to stray every other team away from the sign-up sheet, leaving them with a clear shot at the million dollars!"

Outraged, Snake and Falcon stomped off to badger Ness and Lucas.

"Delectable," smiled Mr. Game and Watch. "With them out of the way, we can sign up for whatever's going on before them!"

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

ROB used his invisible ink to write a 54-character cipher which roughly translated to 'ROB and Mr. Game and Watch'.

"Our diabolical schemes strike again!" cackled Mr. Game and Watch, relishing his second place feeling.

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Guys, the kids say they have no idea what you're talking about," said Falcon.

"Don't worry, we found the sheet," smirked Mr. Game and Watch.

"Oh, cool," said Snake, writing 'Solid Snake' on the third line.

"Why didn't you write my name down?" demanded Falcon. "Is this another control issue? I'm sick of this!"

Snake and Falcon stormed off to scream at each other about their relationship. Their friends-with-benefits relationship. Of which the benefits are all strictly heterosexual in nature.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Shotgun-toting War Veteran Rednecks Who Believe There Are Government Conspiracies Acting Against Them, Mostly Perpetrated By The Other Teams and on Rare Occasions, Each Other _

"Wow, they're a pretty crazy team," noticed ROB.

"I agree," nodded Mr. Game and Watch.

Team S-TWVRWBTAGCAATMPBTOTAOROEO waited uneventfully for the hours of operation to start.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

Samus and Pikachu arrived, and Pikachu signed their names up fourth on the sign-up sheet.

"Still fourth, good job honey!" smiled Pikachu, hugging Samus. "C'mon, let's go talk to these other guys!"

Samus and Pikachu skipped, arm-in-arm, over to Ness, Lucas, ROB and Mr. Game and Watch.

"Have you seen Snake and Falcon's recent antics?" asked ROB, holding his gun at Pikachu's forehead.

"Relationship drama?" asked Samus, amused. "Man, those two guys should hire a marriage counsellor!"

Ness laughed. Lucas laughed. ROB laughed. Mr. Game and Watch laughed. Pikachu looked aghast.

"Their ilk cannot be wed!" gasped Pikachu. "Only couples like us can experience matrimony!"

"We had an arranged marriage," argued Samus.

"That was Luigi and Jigglypuff," replied Pikachu angrily.

"It was?" asked Samus, Ness, Lucas, ROB, Mr. Game and Watch and IStalkKirby together.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

Snake and Falcon sat awkwardly in their parked car. Neither spoke for a long time.

"You used to care about me," sighed Falcon at last.

"I still do," replied Snake placidly.

"You used to tell me I was pretty," continued Falcon.

"At your insistence!" shouted Snake.

"You used to dress in form-fitting spy suits and pretend to kidnap me!" yelled Falcon.

One of Star Road's security guards froze in fear nearby.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

Peach and Zelda signed up fifth, and joined the others.

"Hey guys!" greeted Peach warmly. She stuck a glittery sticker of a cute little turtle on Samus' visor.

"What is this?" asked Mr. Game and Watch suspiciously.

"Oh, I've got tons of cute little stickers!" giggled Peach. "I thought it'd make all of us teams friendlier towards one another!"

"Peach, shut the hell up," scoffed Zelda.

Peach placed a happy sun sticker on Zelda's cheek.

"This happy sun ought to melt that cold heart of yours, Miss Zelda!" smiled Peach.

"Hahahaha, yes!" cackled Zelda maliciously. "Now that you have infused me with the power of flame, the universe will be mine! Quiver in fear, fools!"

Zelda tried to shoot fire from her fingertips.

It didn't work.

Zelda pulled out her cigarette lighter, lit it, and threw it on Peach.

Peach burned to death.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

Falco and King Dedede's car flew down the road, and they were swiftly able to sign up sixth.

"A'ite man, we done did it!" beamed King Dedede, slapping Falco on the back.

"OW! Dammit Deedth, I bit my tongue!" cursed Falco. "I'll be talking like thith for maybe a whole thene!"

"Yo, bro, let's fo'git 'bout it," offered King Dedede.

"Hey, everyone, check out the lisping kids!" laughed Ness, pointing at the birds.

Everyone laughed and threw cafeteria food at King Dedede. All of it bounced off and hit Falco.

Ness ran up and pantsed Falco.

"Deedth, I do not want the popular kidth making fun of uth!" whined Falco.

King Dedede was not there.

"Deedth?" asked Falco.

King Dedede was helping the other teams egg Falco's house.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in Last Place  
_

"Sonic-a, this inbuilt DVD player-a is the bomb!" grinned Mario.

"I can't believe our car has one!" laughed Sonic.

The screen buzzed and flickered until Lucas' face appeared.

"What's going on?" asked Lucas, looking around. "Huh? Mario? Sonic?"

"At your service, Commissioner-a!" said Mario, puffing out his chest.

"Where are you, sir?" asked Sonic, saluting.

"Um, Star Road," replied Lucas uncertainly. "We're all at Star Road. Well, except Peach. She's dead again."

"A damsel in distress-a?" gasped Mario. "Sonic! To the power cycle-a!"

Mario and Sonic's superhero jingle played as they furiously got out of their car and pounded their tricycles the extra three feet to Star Road.

"Egads, a sign up sheet!" declared Sonic.

SIGN!

_5:00am  
Star Road Opened_

The gate swung open, revealing a bright and shimmering road.

"Word up, G!" beamed King Dedede, the first to wake up. "What's witz all dat glitz?"

"It's like waking up in Amsterdam," groaned Falco, seeing everyone else act excited and carefree about being able to actually continue the race.

"Dude, it be wizzle it!" grinned Dedede, pointing out the giant drop at the end of the road. "Flight task!"

"I'm ready to quit the race now," said Falco, throwing up his arms in disgust.

"Wack," said Dedede, crestfallen.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Awed, Ness and Lucas threw everyone aside with their psychic powers and took the clue.

"I can't believe this! This road is so beautiful!" gasped Lucas.

"This is the best moment in my whole life," smiled Ness, crying softly. "What about you?"

"Well, top five," said Lucas. "I'm still thinking about that time I convinced you that you caught cholera."

"My room was quarantined for six months until Master Hand and Crazy Hand found out what cholera was!" protested Ness.

"Ha, yeah," chuckled Lucas.

"They swapped my lungs with a horse's because they thought they were affected!" pouted Ness.

"Hey, you get me killed all the time, let me win this scene," retorted Lucas. "Road Block!"

"_A Road Block is a task only one team member can perform!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Road Block, that team member must perform an action known only to them as the Shooting Star! What they don't know is that in the Shooting Star, people are taped upside down to the underside of Star Road's cliffs before being plunged straight down! Once a team member survives this task, they will receive their next clue!"_

"Oh, this looks cool," decided Lucas. "I'm going for this one."

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Yahoos and triangles, it's a Road Block!" declared Mr. Game and Watch. "Sir, are you ready to do this?"

"Preparations complete," buzzed ROB, cocking his shotgun. "Let's get 'er done!"

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"How should we decide who does this Road Block?" asked Pikachu.

"I'm having an idiot savant moment!" beamed Samus. "I remember a promise I made years and years ago!"

Wavy flashback scene.

"_Okay little guy, I'll do it," smiled a young blonde girl._

"_You mean it?" asked a Pichu enthusiastically. "In twenty years we'll get drunk in Vegas and marry each other!"_

"_Yep!" smiled the girl. "But you have to do a Road Block in the fifth episode of this show I hear will premiere in eleven years."_

"I'll do it!" declared Samus.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Aha!" cackled Zelda. "This is the perfect opportunity to perform my first Road Block and wipe out six other people at once in the process!"

"Cover your ears, everyone!" beamed Peach, happily handing everyone earmuffs. "She's about to cackle very loudly!"

They did and she did.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Excellent-a!" grinned Mario after reading the clue. "I swing-a from buildings all the time with the Super Mario Rope-a!"

The Super Mario Rope was sold separately and was blurred out.

"So you'll be doing the Road Block?" asked Sonic.

"No-a!" scoffed Mario. "You will-a! I don't want an unfair advantage-a! It's not the hero way-a!"

Sonic nodded appreciatively.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Yo mang, y'all better handizzle this pizzle," said King Dedede, thrusting the Road Block clue into Falco's arms.

"What?" asked Falco incredulously. "Why?"

"I ain't fixin' to peep at y'all's cleft lipizzle," said Dedede, trying not to look at Falco's face.

"Cleft-lipped people?" asked Falco. "That's the race I'm meant to belong to now? That's not even a race! And lastly, this isn't a cleft lip! It's a beak!"

"You're a bird!" chorused everybody else.

Falco put a gun in his mouth.

_Lucas  
On Road Block_

"You know, on second thought, this task doesn't seem very well planned," noticed Lucas, being guided over to the cliff's edge.

"I mean, if we're taped to the underside, how are we supposed to get down?" asked Lucas, being taped to the underside of the cliff.

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in Last Place_

"The other teams are being set up for this task!" gasped Snake. "Why don't we decide who'll do this? Why aren't you listening to me? Are we having relationship issues? Again?"

"We're not in a relationship," said Falcon quickly. "Right, viewers at home? Uh...um...viewers at home?"

"I hope you get crushed and die!" sobbed Snake, pushing Falcon to the front of the line of people waiting to start the Road Block.

_Lucas  
On Road Block_

Lucas' feet were taped to the underside of the cliff.

"Okay, now this seems pretty weird," said Lucas. "Isn't this a jumping task? Then what the f-"

"Pull the switch!" roared an Axem Ranger.

Some Acme TNT was activated.

Lucas and the enormous slab of cliff he was taped to plummeted straight to the ground.

"Haha, awesome!" laughed Ness.

Lucas stopped twitching and blood poured out from under the debris.

"Haha, awesome!" laughed Ness.

Lucas sprang to his feet, perfectly healthy after being kissed by the beautiful and benevolent Continuity Fairy (played here by one Mr. Pit).

"Aww," pouted Ness.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Fly to Sauria," read Lucas.

"_Teams must now fly to Sauria in the Lylat System!" said Crazy Hand. "Once there, they must take one of these marked Landmasters and trundle to Lightfoot Village, where they will find their next clue!"_

"A Landmaster joke in 2011?" asked Lucas.

"The cake is a lie!" giggled Ness.

"...Let's just go to the cab," sighed Lucas.

"B^U," replied Ness sadly. Or happily? Hard to tell.

_ROB  
On Road Block_

"What's happening here?" asked ROB, being guided to the underside of the cliff. "Unhand me!"

ROB brandished his shotgun.

"You're not scared of heights, are you?" teased the Axem Ranger.

"Bad idea," Mr. Game and Watch chuckled from the sidelines.

"How about I show you some heights!" raged ROB. "I've got enough C4 stashed in me to blow you south for the winter, boy!"

The Axem Ranger taped ROB to the cliff.

"Oh, you moron," said ROB. "You've just wiped out your entire country! C4, activate!"

Everyone covered their ears and ducked.

A cartoon flag that said 'Bang' came out of ROB's chest.

"Ha! Still got it!" laughed ROB. "Take that, you humourless commi-WHOA."

ROB stared lovingly at the Acme TNT.

The cliff, ROB and his shotgun were blown to pieces and fell to the ground.

Mr. Game and Watch and a severely dishevelled ROB were not happy when the next clue involved leaving Mushroom Kingdom.

_Falcon  
On Road Block_

"While it's great that Snake shoved me in front of all those people," said Falcon. "I'm still not exactly confident about the Road Block..."

"You're my hero!" called Snake. "I love you!...oops...uh...you're a real bro, dude!"

Falcon's confused expression was taped (very painfully) onto the cliff.

"Do I smell TNT?" asked Falcon. "This won't mess up my complexion, will it?"

"Um...no?" lied the Axem Ranger.

Falcon was blown up and crushed by the cliff.

Snake nonchalantly took the clue.

"Fly to Sauria," read Snake. "Let's go, hero!"

_Rose Town Airport_

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

Ness and Lucas ran into the airport and headed straight for the information desk.

"Who do we speak to about getting to Sauria?" asked Ness.

"Sir, you need to go to the SaurAir counter," informed the information-alist.

"Let's go," said Lucas at once, grabbing Ness' arm.

"The SaurAir counter is closed," said the information-alist cheerily.

"Let me get this straight..." said Lucas, frustrated. "We have to be equalised with the other teams again?"

"Oh boy, I can't wait!" grinned Ness. "I wonder what all of our friends have been up to in the last ten minutes!"

_Star Road_

_Samus  
On Road Block_

"I think this is going to be a fun one!" shouted Samus happily, being securely tethered to the slab o' cliff.

"Good luck!" called Pikachu.

Samus and the cliff slammed into the ground. Samus' hand weakly reached for the clue.

"F-fly to Sauria," spluttered a shaken Samus.

"Wow, that's where we had our honey...moon...funny marriage joke..." said Pikachu, phoning it in.

_Zelda  
On Road Block_

"Yes, this place will be a glorious diabolical hideout," grinned Zelda, surveying the entire kingdom from the underside of the cliff. "All it needs is more black and red!"

"Good luck falling off that cliff, Miss Zelda!" called Peach. "It's pretty breezy today, so don't worry if you feel yourself being swept off of the cliff right now!"

"Quiet, you!" shouted Zelda.

A gust of wind managed to blow straight down and shake Zelda's cliff ever so slightly. The rock face eroded and Zelda was sent plummeting to her doo-the clue.

"Fly to Sauria," grumbled Zelda, making a mental note to stab Peach for laughing so much.

_Rose Town Airport_

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

Mr. Game and Watch kicked down the door of the airport.

"My word, what's happened here?" gasped Mr. Game and Watch, seeing Ness and Lucas sleeping against the SaurAir counter.

"That better have been a suicide, or else that murderer's getting torched!" threatened ROB, brandishing a flamethrower.

"Let's get over there and dust for prints!" suggested Mr. Game and Watch.

"Should we really do that?" asked ROB. "I mean, couldn't we use my HD scanners?"

"Pfft, take all the fun out of playing with corpses," scoffed Mr. Game and Watch.

"Oh, hey guys," said Lucas, yawning as he woke up. "I guess we're waiting at this counter together..."

"Zombie!" screamed ROB.

Mr. Game and Watch shot Lucas square in the face with his shotgun.

"Hey guys," said Ness, rubbing his eyes.

"Hey Ness," said ROB.

_Star Road_

_Sonic  
On Road Block_

"Wait a minute..." thought Sonic, being strapped to the cliff's underside, "I can use Chaos Control to slow the flow of time and reduce the force of my impact with the ground! That's super strategy!"

STRATEGY!

Sonic realised he had no Chaos Emeralds.

BACKFIRE!

Sonic fell to the ground a split second before the rest of the cliff did.

"Haha, that was-a hilarious!" laughed Mario, running over to the crash site. "Come on-a, let's fly to Sauria."

Mario flapped his arms really hard.

_Falco  
On Road Block_

"Deeds, please, let's swap!" screamed Falco, as he was welded to the cliff. "I'm scared of heights! I have a mental deficiency that prevents me from being crushed by a slab of rock! Anything!"

"Just fly, dawg!" called King Dedede.

"That'll never work!" retorted Falco.

Falco was let go, and immediately began flapping his arms really hard. This is very hard to do if they are welded to solid rock.

Falco was right. It didn't work.

"Fly to Saurizzle," read King Dedede, retrieving the clue from where Falco was now buried.

_Star Road_

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
On 1__st__ SaurAir Flight_

"Do you see where Ness and Lucas went?" asked ROB, scanning the airport.

"They just said they were going to the bathroom," replied Mr. Game and Watch. "I wonder what kind of dastardly scheme _that_ was a front for..."

"Aaaaand open!" smiled a flight attendant, opening the counter. "Would you gents like a flight to Sauria? First six customers get the fastest available!"

"Why do you want the first six people out of the way?" asked ROB suspiciously.

"No reason!" smiled the flight attendant, sweating.

"Help! The bathroom's been mysteriously locked!" screamed Ness and Lucas from afar.

"Biased towards us, eh?" asked Mr. Game and Watch. "Very well! We'll take this flight, boy howdy!"

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink-Wearing Blondes_

Peach and Zelda burst through the bathroom window and encountered Ness and Lucas.

"Hello, boys," smirked Zelda. "Don't worry, when I kill you I'll make sure to force the media to omit 'in a bathroom' from your obituaries."

"Why don't we help them out?" asked Peach.

"Yeah, do that," agreed Lucas.

"How did you guys get here so fast?" asked Ness.

"Speeding!" cackled Zelda.

"Miss Zelda slashed everybody's tyres," admitted Peach. "While our car was still moving."

"Wonderful," nodded Lucas. "Unfortunately, now we're all screwed. Bathroom door's locked."

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas_

"I have an idea," said Pikachu as they entered the airport. "Instead of looking for the Sauria airline to get us into Sauria, why not look for the Mushroom Kingdom airline to get us out of the Mushroom Kingdom?"

"Wow, I want to divorce you to remarry you again!" giggled Samus.

"So it was a good idea?" beamed Pikachu.

"No, I just want to divorce you," said Samus.

"Oh," said Pikachu. "Let's just go..."

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

Sonic abruptly paused outside the airport.

"What's wrong-a, boy wonder?" asked Mario.

"I remembered something," said Sonic. "Remember in issue #5442, where I rescued a bus full of innocent travel agents?"

"No-a," said Mario. "I don't read your-a crap."

"Anyway, one of them probably knows how to fly to Sauria!" grinned Sonic. "I'll call him!"

Sonic whipped out the super phone.

UNLIMITED FREE CALLS!

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink-Wearing Blondes_

Zelda gunned down the bathroom door, and quickly barricaded Ness and Lucas in again.

"You, find me a flight," ordered Zelda. "Preferably one with closet space so that you can come to Sauria with me."

"But I may shift during flight!" complained Peach.

"Hurry before another team gets the second-to-last spot on the best flight or something like that!" raged Zelda.

_Mario and Sonic  
2__nd__ on 1__st__ SaurAir Flight_

"We're on the flight? Thank you!" thanked Sonic.

"By-a the powers of Dry Skull!" exclaimed Mario, tossing aside his Dry Bones skeleton. "This is amazing-a! Sixth to second-a!"

"You're welcome!" beamed Sonic.

"Get over-a yourself," scoffed Mario. "I'm talking to myself-a!"

SHUN!

_Samus and Pikachu  
1__st__ on Mushroom Air Flight_

"So, did you hear?" asked the ticket agent, printing out Samus and Pikachu's tickets, "The other airline's doing a flight to Sauria too."

"Yeah, we know," said Pikachu indignantly. "But we're not going to just abruptly convert!"

"Yeah, I never convert!" fumed Samus.

"Honey, you told me you accepted Wright after we got married!" pouted Pikachu.

"Not now," replied Samus.

"Well, enjoy your flight," said the ticket agent. "Of course, it doesn't get into Sauria until an hour after the other one gets there."

_Peach and Zelda  
2__nd__ on Mushroom Air Flight_

"Please stop!" cried Peach, watching Zelda storm through the airport. "It's important to have a fallback plan! Why don't we get the same flight as the married couple over there?"

Peach desperately pointed at Samus and Pikachu, who were bitterly looking at their tickets.

"But my plan is to rule the world," objected Zelda. "I can't explain why, but I need to get to Sauria as fast as possible to make that happen!"

"Well, maybe this flight's faster," suggested Peach.

"It isn't, here are your tickets," said the ticket agent, running up to the two women.

"Fetch me my cane!" demanded Zelda. "Ohhh, you're in for a beating!"

_Ness and Lucas  
Last on Mushroom Air Flight_

"What's wrong with you?" demanded Lucas, running up to Peach, Zelda and the ticket agent. "Why did you keep us in there?"

"Here, have some complimentary tickets," said the ticket agent.

"Awesome!" beamed Lucas.

"Awesome!" beamed Ness.

"It's the second flight," spat Zelda in disgust.

"Dammit," pouted Lucas.

"Awesome!" beamed Ness.

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink-Wearing Blondes_

"Wait a minute..." mused Peach. "Miss Zelda, didn't you say you wanted to get the second-last spot on the first flight?"

"Yes!" screamed Zelda. "And you dragged me over here!"

"But that means...uh-oh..." gasped Peach.

Mario and Sonic were boarding the first flight.

"Oh, you're very dead," growled Zelda. "Very, very dead."

"Current mood: terrified," whimpered Peach, nervously typing on her Droid that murder is often hardest on the victim.

"I need that Droid for documenting my evil plans!" complained Zelda, shooting the Droid from Peach's hands. "It's got everything I need! When I'm on the go, or relaxing at home on my Sumo bean bag chair with some Cheetos and Sprite, the Droid is the perfect sidekick for me!"

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"You know, when I saw Peach and Zelda slash our tyres, I was a little miffed!" said Snake, entering the airport.

"Me too!" said Falcon. "They're divas, is what they are!"

"Oh, that was a class-A burn!" chuckled Snake. "In your face, bitches, in your face!"

Snake and Falcon high-fived, leaving their hands together for an awkward extra few seconds.

"Hello there, fellas," said the ticket agent, who seemed determined to doom everybody. "I'm afraid both the SaurAir and Mushroom Air flights are full, so you'll be riding in the first ever Bronzey McLast flight!"

"That sure sounds good," smiled Falcon.

"Yeah, uh...it leaves first out of all three!" said the ticket agent.

"We'll take it!" beamed Snake.

"It arrives last," said the ticket agent. "No takesies backsies!"

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

"Where's the justice!" roared Zelda, watching as the teams on the best flight began dancing merrily.

"They're over there dancing with the others," said Peach, pointing to Mario and Sonic. "Haha, get it? Because they're the superhero team? That's so funny! Who else heard that? It was hilarious!"

"The punchline is violence for us," said Zelda flatly, aiming and missing a punch at Peach.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Arranged Marriage_

"We're sharing a flight with the princesses and the two kids," explained Pikachu.

"And it's going to rock!" grinned Samus.

"Wow, you're not even blitzed yet," said Pikachu. "You must genuinely like those two teams!"

"Not really, the writing for them is really lazy," said Samus. "All you do is slap violence or acerbic pseudo-wit over an everyday race scenario."

"Praise Wright," agreed Pikachu.

_Sauria, Several Hours Later  
1__st__ Flight Landed_

The three lead teams sprinted through the airport and found their marked Landmasters.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Is tank driving one of your-a superpowers?" asked Mario hastily, reaching the Landmaster first.

"No," said Sonic. "I generally don't trust anything that moves in double-digit speed values."

"Hmm, it-a appears we'll-a have to use our super strength-a!" declared Mario.

Mario tried tugging at the Landmaster's turret and fell inside the cockpit, landing on the controls.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"A tank?" said Falco incredulously. "That's hilarious! Oh man, Deeds, this is perfect for you! The big dumb guy driving a big dumb vehicle!"

"Yo, it be armed," said Dedede angrily.

"Yeah, what are you gonna do, shoot me!" laughed Falco.

King Dedede climbed in the tank and ran over Falco's foot.

"My percher!" screamed Falco in agony.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Oh, I have a very bad feeling about this," said Mr. Game and Watch.

"What's the firepower on this thing?" scoffed ROB. "One turret? Back in my day we had six turrets! And a field manual for what to do if commies rip your tank open! Pansy-assed Lylat government!"

"The commies will mow this thing down with us in it!" panicked Mr. Game and Watch.

A pigeon flew over Mr. Game and Watch's head.

"Attack!" screamed Mr. Game and Watch. "Get to higher ground!"

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch leapt onto the Landmaster.

"We'll be safe in here!" said ROB, taking cover inside the cockpit.

_Mr. Jumps and Turbo  
Superheroes_

"I hope our comic book isn't pulled out of stores for the blatant-a plagiarism of the Landmaster-a concept," said Mario.

LEGAL TROUBLE!

"There really isn't a lot of room in here," complained Sonic, his face buried in Mario's back. "I hope this issue of the comic doesn't inspire lewd fanart."

BARELY LEGAL TROUBLE!

"I cast a plus-a one spell of Expansion!" declared Mario.

Nothing happened to make the Landmaster any less cramped.

"Oh-a well," shrugged Mario. "We're so super-a, we can drive this no problem-a!"

They did.

Oh, no, sorry, they didn't. They died.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Yo, how is y'all gon' drive this thang?" asked Dedede, indicating Falco's crushed percher.

"Good point," replied Falco. "Back in my days with Star Fox, I never got a lot of time to drive Landmasters."

"Naw mang, I mean how y'alls foots are broke and such," replied King Dedede.

"I'll have you know that people with one functioning foot can cope just fine!" raged Falco. "I don't need people like you discriminating against me!"

Falco began driving the Landmaster very slowly. Smoke billowed from the exhaust.

"See?" asked Falco smugly.

"Yo, want to helpizzle the vets?" asked Dedede, sighing.

"No! We're winning this leg on our own!" fumed Falco. The Landmaster also fumed. Quite furiously.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch sat cluelessly in their Landmaster.

"What the devil is a tank, anyway?" demanded Mr. Game and Watch.

ROB poked at one of the controls. Nothing happened.

"I have no godly idea what we're looking at here, or where we are, or where everyone else is!" declared ROB, waving an arm in the air. "That means that I should focus all of my blame on you!"

"No, we need to call in a specialist!" decided Mr. Game and Watch. "Luckily I still have a walkie-talkie. _I_ came prepared."

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Oh dear, I'm allergic to all of these fumes," coughed Falco. "I'm just going to open the hatch for some air."

"Don't care," replied Dedede.

Falco opened the hatch, sneezed violently, hacked up a lung, put it back in, and his eyes widened.

"Deeds!" exclaimed Falco. "Mario and Sonic are about to ask for directions! Go, go, go!"

The Landmaster's speed doubled. It was now travelling at four miles per hour.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"Hurry up and ask for those directions!" cried Sonic. "Captain Ethnic and Squawks are right behind us!"

"CANWEHAVEDIRECTIONS-A?" bellowed Mario at a passing dinosaur.

Falco and King Dedede's Landmaster trundled past.

"Damn!" fumed Mario.

"Tailgate them!" yelled Sonic.

Mario and Sonic's Landmaster travelled at three miles per hour, right behind the birds.

"Gosh, I hope we aren't speeding," panicked Sonic.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Roadside assistance?" offered a group of Earthwalkers, as they approached ROB and Mr. Game and Watch's Landmaster.

"Oh my god!" cried ROB, whipping out his shotgun. "Keep them away from me! Shoot that one!"

Mr. Game and Watch shot and killed one of the Earthwalkers.

"And that one!" ordered ROB.

Mr. Game and Watch shot and killed another Earthwalker. The crowd of dinosaurs began running from their lives.

"Shoot the one with the limp!" said ROB.

Mr. Game and Watch shot a limping baby Earthwalker, then threw a grenade at the crowd, killing every dinosaur except for one.

"Why did you do that?" asked Tricky frantically.

"I didn't do anything," said Mr. Game and Watch, genuinely confused. "Now help us drive this thing!"

Tricky nervously ran away, throwing a Landmaster field manual behind him as he fled. The veterans shrugged and learned How To Drive A Tank In Under One Minute.

_Sauria Airport  
2__nd__ Flight Landed_

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Oh wow, tanks!" exclaimed Samus, immediately after running out of the airport. "Do you think you can drive a tank?"

"I think so," said Pikachu. "Come on, before the other teams-"

"I know how to drive a tank even better!" yelled Samus, getting in the cockpit.

"Honey, you're sitting backwards," observed Pikachu.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"A tank?" asked Peach disdainfully, while Zelda salivated. "Can't we have a vehicle that's more peaceful and less likely to shoot me?"

"Oh shut up!" shouted Zelda, wasting no time in sprinting to the cockpit.

"Let's take a vote," suggested Peach. "I vote that you don't shoot anyone and drive responsibly."

"Shut up, and get away from my team!" raged Zelda.

"It's my team too," protested Peach. "Remember Miss Zelda, sharing is caring!"

"Shut up!" bellowed Zelda, swinging the turret round to hit Peach in the face.

"Ow!" whined Peach. "Oh, wait, look, we're leaving before the other teams! Yay!"

"I know my way around a tank," smiled Zelda smugly.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas  
_

"Oh Pika?" asked Samus sweetly.

"Yes, my love?" answered Pikachu, squeezing into the tank.

"If we were to get divorced, who'd get to keep the tank?" asked Samus.

"Oh, uh...I don't think the tank's ours," replied Pikachu. "Wait...why do you think we'll be getting divorced?"

Samus showed Pikachu parts of the script where she alluded to having slept around.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

Ness and Lucas gingerly stepped into the tank.

"I hope nothing goes wrong when we drive this thing," said Lucas. "I mean, none of the other teams have any morals and values, so we're all bound to wreak havoc when faced with a badass tank."

"I'm bound to wreak havoc because I have no morals and I'm with a lamewad like you!" snorted Ness derisively.

Lucas rolled his eyes and slowly drove forward.

_Sauria Airport  
Last Flight Landed_

_Snake and Falcon  
Currently in Last Place_

Snake and Falcon sprinted out of the plane, through the airport and nearly got up to the Landmaster before Snake chipped a nail.

"Oh no!" wailed Snake.

"No, don't worry," said Falcon. "Ness and Lucas are still here!"

"No, it's not that," said Snake. "I chipped a nail!"

"Real men don't care about their nails," said Falcon through gritted teeth.

"I need a nail transplant!" bawled Snake.

Ness and Lucas drove away.

"Oh no, we're still bringing up the rear," lamented Falcon.

Snake's ears pricked up.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Yo, we doin' a great job," reassured King Dedede, looking out of the canopy for other teams.

"Uh-oh, there's a toll booth up ahead," noticed Falco. "Deeds, hand me some money."

"I ain'ts got no blaang bling," revealed Dedede. "I's from da hood."

"Straight up," concurred Falco. "But I've always come from a poor background too! I didn't have much money to bring on this trip..."

Falco reluctantly pulled his life savings out from his sock and threw it through the toll booth.

"Thank you," said the toll booth guy, taking both of Falco's dollars. "We will now be closing. This road is now free."

Falco slammed the canopy behind him, swearing profusely.

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"Let's shoot Falco and King Dedede," decided Sonic on a whim.

"How-a?" asked Mario. "There's no ammo-a in these things-a!"

"Oh, I didn't already tell you?" asked Sonic. "I have the power to turn into liquid metal now. Just fire me and it'll be kind of like a bullet, I think."

"Okay!" beamed Mario, stuffing Sonic into the turret.

"Wait, who's driving?" asked Sonic.

"Bullets-a don't talk!" laughed Mario, shooting Sonic against a wall.

Sonic broke his neck and stopped talking. Like a bullet should.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"So what's our game plan?" asked ROB, scanning for the other teams' heat signatures.

"Either we drive peacefully in this gun car thing," explained Mr. Game and Watch, "Or we start shooting everyone and make sure we're the only team physically capable of reaching HQ! I want to follow the second order."

"That's your plan?" snorted ROB derisively. "I thought of that as soon as I found out this was a tank!"

"This is a tank?" asked Mr. Game and Watch incredulously. "Hot damn! I've got an even better idea!"

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink Wearing Blondes_

Zelda drove the tank through Sauria, with Peach calling out from the canopy.

"Can someone help us?" called Peach, waving. "We don't know this area! Is Lightfoot Village nearby? Any good restaurants there?"

"Let me handle this, you!" demanded Zelda.

"Hmmm...I'm not sure if you know how to make friends effectively," said Peach, taking note of the knife taped to Zelda's arm. "I'll keep trying!"

"Poppycock!" snapped Zelda. "I'm not in the market for friends! I'll make these dinosaurs an army of pawns, poised to fulfil my every wish! The other teams will drown in a sea of scales and fangs, and we shall be victorious!"

Peach pouted and took over driving the Landmaster.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas  
_

Bored, Samus and Pikachu decided to listen to the radio.

"_Welcome back to Terrible, Terrible People! We're live with Gerald," said the radio host. "Gerald says that his wife Kate sleeps around, drinks excessively, and steals money right from under his nose."_

"_It's true," said Gerald sadly._

_A door burst open. _

"_Did he tell you how he forces me to conform to his ridiculous beliefs?" asked Kate angrily. "How he beats me if I can't remember the name of the doctor from Sim City?"_

"_Well you can't!" protested Gerald._

"_Yeah I can! It's Dr. Light!" retorted Kate._

"It's Dr. Wright, Dr. Light is from Megaman you stupid cun-" raged Gerald and Pikachu together.

Pikachu was stopped by an icy glare from Samus. Gerald was stopped because Samus was now shouting over the radio at Pikachu. Samus was stopped because Pikachu had slapped her. Pikachu was stopped by an icy beam from Samus.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Hey other teams!" shouted Mr. Game and Watch, opening the canopy. "Check out what we've got!"

Mr. Game and Watch swivelled the turret around to point behind him.

The teams behind Mr. Game and Watch swivelled their turrets to point at him.

"You idiot!" reprimanded ROB. "Now we've been captured!"

"They have tanks too?" whispered Mr. Game and Watch, terrified. "Change of plan! Hey, everyone! Let's work together! Help us out of here and we won't shoot you!"

Another team's Landmaster fired, narrowly missing Mr. Game and Watch.

Mr. Game and Watch ducked back into the tank and began to cry.

_Lightfoot Village  
Elder's House_

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

"Wow, we're here!" smiled Falco. "Okay Deeds, stop the Landmaster!"

"Yo, I ain't know how to stopizzle," said King Dedede. "I is from da block. We got held backsy in skool."

"I got held back because I was allergic to the desks!" panicked Falco. "I missed all the driving lessons in military school!...Wait, why does being held back from school mean you can't stop a tank?"

King Dedede had jumped out of the moving tank and was running for the clue box.

"Oh come on!" complained Falco, crashing into a tree.

The Landmaster exploded.

"Deto'!" 'read' Dedede.

"_A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with their own pros and cons!" explained Crazy Hand. "In this Detour, teams will have to choose between two induction rituals used to test potential new members of the Lightfoot tribe! The choice: Speed or Power?"_

"_In Speed, teams must find the Speed trial course, and navigate through the course until they find one of seven eggs! Once a team has an egg, they have sixty seconds to hatch it! After hatching the egg, teams will find their next clue!"_

"_In Power, teams must find the Power trial arena, and grapple with the heavyweight of the Lightfoot tribe! Both the heavyweight and the team will push against a weight, and the first one to push the weight over the opponent's line is the winner! Winning teams will receive their next clue!"_

"Powa!" decided King Dedede.

Falco stomped over, charred black with his beak sticking out the back of his head.

"Of course you realise," snarled Falco, resetting his beak, "this means war."

"Yeah, yeah," yawned Dedede. "Look, arena's dat way."

"Actually, I think it's just this mud pit," said Falco, looking confused.

"Yeah, it is," confirmed the heavyweight.

"Cool," nodded Dedede, grabbing the weight.

The heavyweight Lightfoot grabbed the other side of the weight.

Falco grabbed King Dedede.

"Yo, man, you even helpin'?" demanded Dedede.

"Yes!" raged Falco. "Shut up! I have hands to push with! I don't have wings that would have been much better suited to the other task at all! I'm not a bird!"

"Sor-_ry, _dawg," said Dedede, rolling his eyes.

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Mario and Sonic sprinted into the village and picked up their clue.

"Detour-a!" read Mario. "Speed or Power-a?"

"Curses, I'm wearing my street shoes today to conceal my identity," lamented Sonic. "I guess it'll have to be-"

"Speed-a!" beamed Mario. "You're like, fast or something-a!"

Sonic groaned and followed Mario into the Speed Trial course.

"Find one of the eggs!" jeered a Lightfoot. "But nobody can induce hatching better than me!"

"My super power-a is inducing birth!" laughed Mario cockily. "Coincidentally, that is also-a my favourite pick-up line!"

_Peach and Zelda  
Princesses_

"And that's reason eight hundred and forty-two I hate Pikachu!" finished Zelda.

Zelda hung up her cell phone and continued driving a tank over several Saurian houses.

"I know, he keeps asking if I've accepted the Wright path," said Peach. "I'm just not comfortable discussing issues like-oh no, the police!"

Peach pointed fearfully at an anthropomorphic dinosaur, who was getting out a large nightstick and marching up to the tank.

"Oh great, this must be the five hundred and seventy-third time this has happened to me," sighed Zelda.

"What's with the numbers?" asked Peach, terrified as the cop drew closer.

"Ma'am?" asked the cop-o-saur. "Do you know how fast you were travelling?"

"As fast as a military tank will travel!" beamed Zelda.

"And did you also know you were travelling over several houses?" asked the cop. "You can't do that."

"What about my truly _evil_ hood ornament?" cackled Zelda ominously.

"Displaying racist propaganda is frowned upon, yes," nodded the cop. "I can give you a fine right here, or you can spend a week or two in-"

"Do you know how to get to Lightfoot Village?" asked Zelda suddenly. "We took the tank because...uh..."

Zelda noticed Peach checking her weight apprehensively.

"...the nefarious Scales is attacking!" lied Zelda.

"Scales? General Scales?" gasped the cop, as Zelda was stunned about having came up with a real villain. "So sorry, ma'am! Here, you need a police escort! Anything for a hero like you!"

The policeman climbed into the tank and began driving as fast as he could over several more houses and civilians.

"Yes, yes, a hero's work is never done," nodded Zelda absently.

"What is he doing?" asked Peach nervously, as the cop blew up a few large structures to cleave a better path.

_ROB and Mr. Game & Watch  
War Veterans_

ROB and Mr. Game and Watch, with the Landmaster on auto-pilot, were huddled together in fear.

"They _shot_ at us!" spluttered Mr. Game and Watch.

"I don't think we'll ever find this place!" panted ROB. "Obviously, evil forces are at work, trying to distract us from finishing the race! They even got to the other teams!"

"But I can make them listen!" gasped Mr. Game and Watch, getting an idea. "By force!"

"What?" asked ROB.

"Before I can tell you how, we need our map!" beamed Mr. Game and Watch, taking it out. No, the map. "We just have to concentrate really hard!"

Mr. Game and Watch began shaking vigorously, tearing the map in two.

"Oh no, they've gotten to you too!" cried ROB. "Nowhere is safe!"

"I can feel the geographic power within me!" yelled Mr. Game and Watch. "I must harness the energy! Just like we learned in basic!"

"I miss Lieutenant Flowerchild," reminisced ROB.

"Now show me Lightfoot Village, map!" roared Mr. Game and Watch, levelling his shotgun at the map.

_Peach and Zelda  
Princesses_

"Lightfoot Village is only a few minutes away," said the cop.

"The hour is almost at hand," chanted Zelda in some foreboding language. "It is time, Peach. Time to craft the destruction of all mankind!"

"Can I just say, it's been a real pleasure driving such noble ladies as yourselves," smiled the cop. "I mean, just when you think young people are all rebellious and cruel, people like you show up!"

"Well, we're fifty percent nice!" smiled Peach.

"We shall grab our destiny!" continued Zelda.

"Our destiny being...uh...look, you should run," urged Peach. "Far away."

"Yeah, I guess I'm on duty," laughed the cop. "You two have a good time while you're in the area!"

"Prepare for annihilation, feeble Sauria!" bellowed Zelda as soon as the cop left. "There is no limit to my evil powers!"

"I'll say," said Peach, looking at her many bruises.

"Attack!" screamed Zelda, ploughing the tank through several trees.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"What's going on here?" demanded Mr. Game and Watch, looking up from the map at the sound of trees being bowled over.

"We must be advancing to Lightfoot Village with such haste that the trees are leaping out of our way!" grinned ROB. "Which will also put an end to any camouflage plots!"

"Everything's going perfectly, then," said Mr. Game and Watch.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas  
_

"Yay!" squealed Samus, looking out of the Landmaster's canopy. "We're nearly at Lightfoot Village!"

"How can you be so sure, honey?" asked Pikachu.

"Well all the trees are gone, so I can see all the Lightfoot guys," said Samus.

"I knew marrying you for your eyesight was the smart thing to do!" beamed Pikachu, speeding the tank up to a hefty ten miles per hour.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Okay, it's a pretty quiet leg for us," Lucas admitted to the camera. "But that's fine, it'll be good to avoid all the drama, at least until we get to Lightfoot Village."

The cameraman pointed to the canopy.

"Oh, sure, I'll check it out," nodded Lucas.

Lucas opened the canopy hatch and saw the devastated woodland the other teams were driving their Landmasters over.

"Seems like a fairly normal-oh _crap_," said Lucas, realising what Ness was likely to do next.

Ness screamed wildly and fired a shell wildly into the air, charging the tank towards everyone else.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"This rules!" shouted Snake excitedly. "Driving tanks kicks ass!"

"We're still behind though," pointed out Falcon. "We should stop and ask for directions!"

"But that means I'd have to stop driving this taaaaaank..." whined Snake.

"We'll go for ice cream after," promised Falcon.

Snake grinded to a halt and fetched a local dinosaur.

"Keep going straight ahead until you see a news crew," said the dinosaur at once. "They're covering a story about Landmasters ravaging Lightfoot Village, so it could be dangerous to go in the-"

Snake threw the dinosaur back out of the tank.

"Ice cream!" smiled Snake, cranking up the tank's speed.

_Falco and King Dedede  
On Power_

"Yo, Falcs?" asked King Dedede, straining against the weight of the heavyweight Lightfoot.

"Yes?" grunted Falco, barely helping.

"I be havin' an idea to win dis thing," said Dedede. "If y'all start pullin' while I be pushin', the opposite polaritizzles on dis here balance will create some kind o' upwadz fo'ce, liftin' this dino-dude up into da air!"

Falco paused to glare at King Dedede.

King Dedede waited for Falco's response.

"Where did you learn physics?" asked Falco, bemused.

"I went to community collizzle," admitted Dedede.

"Me too," said Falco. "But unlike you, it wasn't an intelligence thing! All the good schools merely rejected me for being a b-you know, this is wearing a little thin. Screw it, I'm pulling."

Falco began pulling on the balance while Dedede pushed. The heavyweight Lightfoot took very little notice.

"I'm a little rusty in the pulling department," said Falco, ashamed of his abysmal physical strength.

_Mario and Sonic  
On Speed_

Sonic sprinted up to the egg carrying Mario on his back.

"Right-a, we have a minute to open this-a," said Mario. "Any ideas?"

"I've got one!" beamed Sonic enthusiastically. "I'll encase it in my Heat Cloak!"

"Wow-a, I didn't-a even know you wore clothes!" exclaimed Mario.

"Yeah, me neither!" said Sonic absentmindedly. "Now here we go!"

Sonic covered the egg with his cloak.

SWOOSH!

Nothing of interest happened.

"Last time I heroically mug a wizard," scoffed Sonic. "Hey, where'd the egg go?"

_Falco and King Dedede  
On Power_

Falco eventually managed to pull the balance.

"Nothing's happening!" cried Falco, dismayed. "Listen here buster, you promised that some physics thing would happen and we'd end up completing this thing!"

"Okay, okay, I ain't go to no school!" sobbed Dedede. "Now y'all knows mah sorrow!"

King Dedede began crying to a phat beat.

"I didn't mean to-" began Falco, but Dedede pushed him away.

Falco landed on the Lightfoot's fingers. The Lightfoot screamed and let go of the balance.

"Damn, here's your clue," said the Lightfoot.

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Make your way to Thorntail Village..." read Falco.

"_Teams must now travel by DinoTrain (tm) to Thorntail Hollow and find the Warpstone!" said Crazy Hand. "This stone figure has the ability to warp anyone who stands on his hands! And lying just under his hands is the pit stop! The last team to check in...may be eliminated!"_

"Last team may be eliminated, let's go!" urged Falco.

"Taxizzle!" shouted King Dedede. "Taxizzle to da trains!"

_Mario and Sonic  
On Speed_

"You magicked-a away our egg?" asked Mario furiously.

"It wasn't my fault!" protested Sonic. "It was Black Sonic! What's his name...Shadow!"

"Damn-a you, Black Sonic!" cursed Mario. "Sometimes I wonder-a why we bother being heroes-a if all the bad guys are so mean-a!"

"Well, guess we've got no choice to switch Detours," shrugged Sonic.

TRADE!

_DinoTrain (tm) Station_

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

Falco and King Dedede hurriedly sprinted into the train station.

"We need the next train to Thorntail Hollow!" demanded Falco.

"Really?" asked the Lightfoot ticketer. "It's like the next area over. Fox McCloud himself made the trip in about ten minutes."

Falco and Dedede blankly stared at each other, then at the Lightfoot.

"So when be the next train at?" asked Dedede flatly.

"I dunno," shrugged the Lightfoot. "Once someone catches up to you I guess."

"oH noo D33D$ now mary0 + SONIQUE will catqh UP," cried Falco, wetting himself.

"That's not what I said!" raged Falco to the editor. "...Or did!"

_Lightfoot Village_

_Mario and Sonic  
On Power_

"This is so-a hard!" complained Mario, seconds after his first try at moving the balance.

"If only we were extraordinarily strong!" whined Sonic.

"It's-a almost worth paying-a...what's his name-a...buff fat-a guy...Yellow Mario to do-a this for me!" sulked Mario.

"Can we do that and not get penalised?" asked Sonic.

"No," replied the Lightfoot.

"Can we pay you to join our side against yourself?" asked Sonic.

"No," replied the Lightfoot.

"Well what's the point of being a hero if you can't flash your cash around-a?" complained Mario.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Hey Ness, stop shooting people and help me drive this thing!" shouted Lucas over the roar of the Landmaster's turret.

"DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!" screamed Ness with each shell he fired.

"Are you even listening to me?" demanded Lucas, running over a tree and person in that order.

"ACTUALLY IT'S YOU I'M TALKING TO," bellowed Ness. Seriously, the tank was pretty loud. I hope I'm making that clear.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"Why nooooot?" whined Snake.

"Because it'll ruin us!" replied Falcon angrily.

"You're such a drama queen!" pouted Snake.

Snake and Falcon were debating whether or not to stop for ice cream.

"It'll refresh our minds!" said Snake.

"It'll ruin us!" shouted Falcon. "Our lovely figures, gone! Then what do we have, our brains?"

"Yeah, our brains!" replied Snake.

"Say, who's driving the tank?" asked Falcon.

"Oh, we've been stationary this entire argument," noticed Snake.

"Guess we can go for ice cream!" shrugged Falcon comically.

"Let's share a twin cone," winked Snake.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Oh, _thanks_ Ness!" raged Lucas. "You shot the sign I was following!"

"DIE DIE DIE DIE" continued Ness.

"Let's switch," said Lucas. "I mean, shooting from a tank can't possibly be as cool as you keep making it seem."

Ness and Lucas switched places.

"Where are we going again?" asked Ness.

"KILL THEM ALL!" bellowed Lucas, firing at everything. Even you.

The tank suddenly came to a stop.

"Great job, Lucas!" said Ness angrily. "You used up all the fuel firing the tank's guns!"

"How does that even work?" asked Lucas, confused.

"Now we can't go anywhere," said Ness. "Are you happy?"

"But you-I just-oh, why do I expect anything to go well..." asked Lucas sadly.

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"This is amazing," said Snake, licking.

"Best taste in days," agreed Falcon, licking.

"Wait, didn't we finish the ice cream?" asked Snake.

Snake and Falcon leapt apart from each other and hastily began driving the tank.

"We were going left, right?" asked Snake in a high falsetto.

"I can't find the map," said Falcon, lost in his thoughts. His questionable thoughts.

"Let's just go this way," said Snake, picking somewhere at random. "I'm too distracted, so I'll just guess! That's worked well for all the races I've ever seen!"

"That'll do the trick," said Falcon, refusing to make eye contact with Snake.

"Glad to help," said Snake, refusing to make eye contact with Falcon.

Falcon giggled and scribbled in his Snake Diary.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

Ness and Lucas were trying to flag down some help.

"Look, I see somebody," said Lucas. "Excuse me, sir! Over here!"

The dinosaur didn't respond.

"I don't know what's wrong with you," replied Ness. "Dinosaurs can't talk, you silly!"

"What?" asked Lucas, ready to point out every single instance of a dinosaur talking in Ness' entire life.

"Talking dinosaur, you say," laughed Ness. "No idea what you're talking about! See, this is why Yoshi and I talk about how dumb you are behind your back!"

"Talking dinosaur," scoffed Yoshi from inside Ness' backpack.

"Really," said Lucas flatly. "Yoshi makes fun of me for believing dinosaurs talk."

"Something hilarious like that!" chuckled Ness. "God, you're such an idiot."

The dinosaur walked up to Lucas.

"Did I hear that?" asked the dinosaur. "You think dinosaurs talk? What a moron!"

Ness and the dinosaur high fived while Lucas spluttered in confusion.

"Say, can you fix this tank?" asked Ness.

"Well, I majored in Public Speaking, but Tank Repair was my minor!" beamed the dinosaur, getting to work.

"What's going on here?" asked Lucas, confused.

"Go on, get out of here, stupid kid," scoffed the dinosaur, looking down his nose at Lucas.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas  
_

"Our tank's losing speed!" gasped Pikachu, as the speedometer on the Landmaster dropped from ten miles per hour to nine.

"You're not showing the proper determination, hun!" scolded Samus. "You've got to want it. There's plenty of time to go slow after we've won the race!"

"When did you get determined?" asked Pikachu, considerably puzzled. "You do nothing but get hammered all the time!"

"There is only one today, and we must make the most of it!" said Samus determined-idly, throwing the tank into...fifth gear? Tanks have gears, right? They must do. Yeah, into fifth gear.

_Train Station_

_Falco and King Dedede  
On 1__st__ Train to Thorntail Hollow_

"This train is leaving already," said Falco to the camera. "We're going to the pit stop, and there's nobody else on the train with us!"

"We be feelin' all good 'n mess," explained King Dedede.

"Yeah, nothing's bringing us down from this high!" chuckled Falco.

"Unh, we be in first plizzle! We be in first plizzle!" rapped Dedede.

"Keep it down, you rap...ist..." scolded Falco. "What's the proper word for somebody who ra-"

"Over there!" cried a hysterical eavesdropper. Police swarmed the train.

_Lightfoot Village_

_Peach and Zelda  
Obligatory Pink-Wearing Blondes_

Peach and Zelda's Landmaster arrived at Lightfoot Village.

"Right, get out," said Zelda, holding a gun to Peach's forehead. No reason in particular. "How many other tanks do you see?"

"T-two," stammered Peach.

"Third place!" growled Zelda. "Are you happy with yourself? Just you get ready to do the next thing and don't even think about letting anyone else pass us!"

_Mario and Sonic  
On Power_

Mario and Sonic floundered against the stick they were pushing.

"I think I ran it over my toe, severely hampering my super speed!" moaned Sonic theatrically.

"Maybe-a the key is to scare this guy?" suggested Mario. "Like-a, we should use-a our dark nineties-a superhero names-a!"

"Ah, of course!" beamed Sonic. "People are terrified of those morally ambiguous superheroes we've heard about! But can we pull off shady?"

"Mario and-a Sonic can't," said Mario. "But this is an easy-a job for Mariovich and-a...uh..."

"Hitler," said Sonic, glaring right into the Lightfoot's eyes.

_Peach and Zelda  
Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Detour!" read Peach. "Speed or Power?"

"Power!" cackled Zelda. "Those fools won't know what hit them when I unleash the fury of my anger-ous rage! I'll kill all the other teams! And the eliminated teams! And last season's teams! And the other shows' teams! Leave no teams alive!"

"Wow," said Peach.

"Tell me about it, discrimination's terrible," said Zelda. "So, Power?"

_Mariovich and Hitler  
On Power_

"It's working!" gasped Sonic, feeling himself move forwards a millimetre. "Time for the supplementary plan!"

"Which-a one was that?" asked Mario uncertainly.

"The Catwoman gambit!" replied Sonic. "Flirt with your opponent! Mario, can you pull off aloof and sexy?"

"Well, I-a _do_ have an accent," giggled Mario coyly.

_Peach and Zelda  
On Power_

"Your final hour is close at hand!" laughed Zelda evilly, pointing at their Lightfoot.

"She means final hour of waiting for a team, I think," reassured Peach, lightly grasping the weight. "Zel, come on, be nice."

"Shut it, we're seizing all we desire!" yelled Zelda, seizing half of the weight.

"Seizing? Harsh!" cautioned Peach. "In therapy, we used to say 'reaching out'. Try it!"

"Quiet!" bellowed Zelda. "This repulsive excuse for a dinosaur will beg for mercy at my feet!"

"Is this genuine, or is this because...y'know, cameras?" asked the Lightfoot, gesturing.

"Body count's too high to be fake," said Peach wearily.

"Attack!" raged Zelda, pushing against the weight.

_Mario and Sonic  
On Power_

"Oh no, the supervillain chick's back again," noticed Sonic, while Mario stroked the Lightfoot's thigh.

"Hi guys!" waved Peach.

"A-HA!" raged Zelda. "You simpletons think you can defeat us, don't you? But 'tis I who shall have the last laugh!"

"Whatever, just let us do what we're doing," scoffed Sonic, taking one hand off the weight to apply his makeup.

Mario placed the Lightfoot's arms around his waist, making him let go of the weight. Sonic was still struggling to push.

"Interesting strategy, guys!" said Peach politely.

"This leg is mine, superheroes!" cackled Zelda.

"What-a?" gasped Mario, affronted.

"That is OUR word!" raged Sonic. "How dare you use it? We are differently able!"

Mario and the Lightfoot snuck a kiss.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Now Approaching Lightfoot Village?" read ROB curiously. "Oh glorious day!"

"We need to get outta here!" said Mr. Game and Watch. "We've been on our way to this place for years! Obviously those Al Qaeda fellers are messing with the space-time continuum in order to kill us! It's just like the island on Lost!"

"Exactl-wait, there's time travel on Lost?" asked ROB. "I didn't see that!"

"Yeah, we marathon-ed the whole show back in basic training," said Mr. Game and Watch. "It turns out that turning the whe-"

"You're an agent planted to ruin the media industry for me!" raged ROB. "Well, it's not going to work!"

ROB killed Mr. Game and Watch with some sort of shotgun-like device. Basically a shotgun.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas  
_

Samus and Pikachu's Landmaster was struggling along, now under five miles per hour.

"Off the road, my new girlfriend's husband!" shouted a man with road rage and Samus' lipstick on his neck.

"I'm back from the cars behind us!" grinned Samus, getting back in the Landmaster.

"I waited up for you," scowled Pikachu, his arms folded. "Do you have any idea how worried I was?"

"Of course I did, pookie!" simpered Samus. "I just didn't care that much!"

"Oh, good!" smiled Pikachu, relieved. "Now that you're here, I think I have a solution to our movement problem!"

Pikachu cut a hole in the floor and began walking the tank, Flintstones style.

"Did I mention I fix my spaceship like, all the time?" asked Samus.

"You do?" asked Pikachu, his tiny, tiny feet already covered in calluses.

"Yeah, I just pop the hood and look in real deep, and some guy comes along and does all the work for me!" beamed Samus.

"Wow, do you think you can get started?" asked Pikachu.

"Sure!" smiled Samus. "Let me just change into my no-effort outfit!"

Samus held up some daisy dukes and a bikini top and made her way to a corner of the tank.

_Lightfoot Village_

_Mario and Sonic  
Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Didn't we take the weight off of the guy?" asked Sonic.

"Oh-a yeah," smiled Mario. "Good sleuthing-a Sonic!"

"Thanks, it's my tertiary super power," said Sonic.

"Cool-a," said Mario, taking the clue.

"Don't you want to know what my other super powers are?" asked Sonic.

"Speed-a or whatever," said Mario, ripping the envelope.

"Well, that's my primary power," boasted Sonic.

"Come on-a, let's go get this train to-a Thorntail Hollow-a!" urged Mario.

"I'm deaf," grinned Sonic. "That's my secondary power. I get sympathy wherever I go, even if I act entitled and spoiled!"

Mario was running.

"Of course, I only know what other people say because I read their lines," said Sonic, holding up his copy of the script.

_Peach and Zelda  
On Power_

"Come _on_, Peach!" roared Zelda, pushing against the weight. "Where's my glorious army to speed this process up!"

"I'm all you've got!" smiled Peach, patting Zelda's arm.

"This isn't what I signed up for!" raged Zelda, swatting Peach's hand away.

"Am I not doing a very good teammate job?" asked Peach, hurt.

"Am I not doing a very good STAB YOU IN THE GUT?" bellowed Zelda, stabbing Peach in the gut.

...Hey, I'm tired, alright?

_Train Station_

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"When's the next train to Thorntail-a Hollow?" asked Mario urgently.

"I'm afraid it's been delayed," replied the ticket agent. "There was an incident on the train before it, and the police had to be called. All of the trains have been delayed as a result."

"What happened?" asked Sonic, shocked.

"Did-a somebody build a device that can give-a them all the powers-a of-a me, Mario?" demanded Mario.

"Um, no," replied the ticket agent. "Something about birds. I'm sure it was hilarious."

"That's-a no emergency!" scoffed Mario. "This is an-a emergency!"

Mario pulled a gun out of his pocket, loaded it, and aimed at the ticket agent's forehead.

"YOU HAVE-A THREE MARIO AND SONIC-A SCENES TO LET US ON A TRAIN-A OR YOU DIE!" explained Mario politely.

"Aren't we heroes?" gasped Sonic, looking up from the hobo he was spitting on in terror.

_Somewhere en route to Lightfoot Village_

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas  
_

Samus was bending over the hood of the Landmaster in such a provocative way I've booked therapy a week in advance so that I can talk about these _confusing feelings._

"There's...um, something wrong with a gear of some kind?" suggested Samus.

Suddenly, Pichu walked by.

"Hey there, little lady," said Pichu suavely.

"My, what a sexy baritone you have!" cooed Samus girlishly.

"Can I help you with anything?" asked Pichu.

"My tank stopped, big boy," said Samus, rubbing Pichu's arm. "Think you can give me a hand?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing," winked Pichu.

"Dude, you can't say that," said a admin.

"Samus, did you find anyone to help you?" asked Pikachu, stepping out of the Landmaster.

"Who's this clown?" asked Pichu.

Pikachu stopped abruptly when he saw Pichu.

"Daddy?" gasped Pichu.

"I call him that too," winked Samus, pinching Pikachu.

_Train Station_

_Mario and Sonic  
Superheroes_

"Two-a scenes!" threatened Mario, tightening the grip on his gun.

"We're hoping that we can get on this train before Peach and Zelda show up," Sonic explained to the camera. "We think it'd be awesome if they got eliminated next."

"Yes-a, they're becoming a super pain-a in my super-a ass," said Mario hamfistedly.

"We're becoming edgy heroes," grinned Sonic. "I hear it's the in thing these days!"

_Lightfoot Village_

_Peach and Zelda  
On Power_

"You know, Miss Zelda?" asked Peach, struggling against the Lightfoot's weight. "We may be taking a while to do this task, but I've never seen a finer posture!"

"Shut up!" snarled Zelda.

"A for effort!" beamed Peach. "Now let's push that extra bit harder!"

"I _am _pushing harder, you waste of space!" roared Zelda. "How about you push your mama harder?"

"I'm not sure that makes sense!" smiled Peach. "Let's just hurry along!"

Peach tried a little bit harder to push the weight, while Zelda continued to make a strangling motion around her section of the weight.

By some kind of god out of a machine or something (I hear in Latin-land they call this a dues ex machine), Peach's effort was enough to overpower the Lightfoot.

"Oh boy, a train!" read Peach happily. "Come on Zellie, maybe the boys are still waiting for a train or something!"

"Maybe we can kill them!" shouted Zelda in a very unpredictable way.

_Somewhere near Lightfoot Village_

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

The veterans' Landmaster continued its long journey.

"This road's got to lead to Lightfoot Village!" insisted Mr. Game and Watch. "Nobody would want to watch us struggle our way there for pages and pages!"

"Hurry up, some kind of plot advancement!" demanded ROB.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas  
_

"We're just looking for the next clue," explained Pikachu to the camera. "That weird little yellow guy really helped us out. I think I might even feel bad about leaving him in the middle of nowhere."

"He called you Daddy!" cooed Samus. "Is he your son? That's so cute! I can't believe I have a stepson!"

"I can't have kids," scoffed Pikachu. "I swore I would never succumb to the pleasures of the flesh before marriage! I mean, come on, had you ever had sex before we got married?"

"No," said Samus.

The camera guy's derisive snort was edited out shortly before the first airing.

_Ness and Lucas  
Students_

"Not much longer now, hang in there," said Lucas through gritted teeth, patting the control panel of the tank.

"Are you talking to our Landmaster?" laughed Ness. "Not everything can speak you know! Crazy Thinks-Dinosaurs-Can-Speak Guy! Haha!"

"Ness, a dinosaur spoke to us not two minutes ago!" fumed Lucas.

"I know, but my way of interpreting things is way funnier!" chuckled Ness. "You should try it some time!"

"Hmm, might take you up on that," considered Lucas. "...ha, yeah, imagine! A speaking dinosaur!"

"A dinosaur talked to us two minutes ago," said Ness flatly. "Are you an idiot?"

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

"I love Snake, but sometimes I'm afraid of him," Falcon admitted to the camera.

"HURRY UP YOU PILE OF SHI-Wait, is this the right control?" asked Snake, who had been aggressively mashing the brakes.

"I think you're making the tank cry," said Falcon, placing a hand on Snake's shoulder.

"You're really scary sometimes," shivered Snake, throwing Falcon's hand away.

"You won't be saying that when my advice helps us win the million dollars and we go _**pretty dress shopping!**_" squealed Falcon.

"I WILL TRY ON ALL OF THE REVEALING MINISKIRTS" bellowed Snake in a gruff voice.

_Falco and King Dedede  
On 1__st__ Train to Thorntail Hollow_

"Well, Deeds, I guess we can cross 'get a cavity search on a moving train' off of our bucket lists," grimaced Falco, gingerly sitting back down in his seat.

"Yo, it ain't neva' been on mine," said King Dedede. "What wrong witchoo?"

"No, it...it was a joke," said Falco.

"Oh..." replied King Dedede. "Um...wouldn't it be hella tight if we won this leg, man?"

"Yes, yes it would," answered Falco, avoiding King Dedede's gaze.

_Train Station_

_Peach and Zelda  
Princesses_

"Oh, what's this?" cackled Zelda mockingly, swaggering in to the train station.

"Wow, we get a share a train with the superheroes!" grinned Peach.

"You thought you had us beat, didn't you?" taunted Zelda.

"We're boarding-a now," said Mario sadly. "We were hoping-a you'd been eliminated early-a or killed or something-a. No offense."

"Yeah well, we're never getting eliminated!" scoffed Zelda. "Ever! And make no mistake, only one team's getting off that train in one piece!"

"Can it please be us?" asked Sonic hopefully.

_Lightfoot Village_

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"We're finally here!" cheered ROB. "And with no time to lose!"

"Shut up and get that clue!" urged Mr. Game and Watch. "Every second counts!"

"Come on, I just wanted to explain to the camera-" began ROB, but Mr. Game and Watch brandished his combat knife.

"EVERY SECOND!" screamed Mr. Game and Watch.

ROB ran towards the clue.

"Yeah, we can't waste any time," explained Mr. Game and Watch calmly. "It's been a rough day, every second counts."

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas  
_

"Alright, Lightfoot Village!" grinned Pikachu. "I knew we could find it!"

"It's amazing what a mental connection we have!" beamed Samus.

"See, Sammy and I have known each other for about a month," Pikachu explained to the camera. "Even though our union was arranged, drunken, and in Vegas, she is still my prince charming. But for girls. Princess charming."

"It's our 32 day anniversary today!" noticed Samus.

"I love this woman!" cheered Pikachu, hugging Samus.

"Tomorrow will be 33!" said Samus.

"You're getting so good at counting! I love you, Samus," smiled Pikachu.

"I love you too...um...I wanna say Earl..." replied Samus uncertainly.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"We're not the most time efficient team," said Mr. Game and Watch. "Unless dramatic timing counts. I think we're pretty- FIRE! – good with that."

Once ROB had shot the innocent crow out of the air, he opened the clue.

"Detour: Speed or Power?" read ROB. "I have no idea which mission is simpler."

"Power, we can overpower any enemy!" declared Mr. Game and Watch. "Let's do it!"

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
On Power_

"Alright shrimps," smirked the Lightfoot heavyweight. "Ready to get embarrassed?"

"I'm not even programmed for embarrassment!" said ROB, his pants around his ankles.

"I'm not even programmed at all!" sneered Mr. Game and Watch, shotgun in hand.

The heavyweight stared stunned at the shotgun.

"But I've got to shoot somebody!" complained Mr. Game and Watch, reading his reaction.

"This will be an easy objective," whispered ROB. "Just push the button on my back, some pneumatic pushing action stuff will happen and I'll overpower him immediately. Or something. I don't know how I'm built."

Mr. Game and Watch shot ROB in the back.

ROB exploded, his body flying directly into the weighted bar he would have been pushing.

The weight knocked the surprised Lightfoot over.

"Here's the clue," said the Lightfoot. "Um...is your buddy going to be okay?"

"Entering recovery mode," said ROB's head, as his body began to regenerate.

"Not bad," smiled Mr. Game and Watch.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"How much did that tank suck, eh?" asked Pikachu. "Honestly, if the military plans on using something like that, they need to create a better system for the engine. I did some blueprints, wanna see?"

"You're such a geek!" teased Samus.

"Please don't leave me," sobbed Pikachu.

"Detour: Speed or Power?" asked Samus.

"Speed looks too hard," said Pikachu, reading over the clue. "I'd rather do Power."

"Yeah, this'll be easy!" chuckled Samus. "I mean, they don't call this the Power Suit for nothing!"

Crickets chirped.

_Samus and Pikachu  
On Power_

"Dude, can you even reach this thing?" asked the Lightfoot, laughing as Pikachu tried to reach the weight.

"Shut up or my wife will kick your ass!" threatened Pikachu.

"It's true! I beat up King Dedede and ROB during the last pit stop alone!" boasted Samus.

"Who?" asked the Lightfoot.

"Not important!" snarled Samus, pulling the wrong way on the weight.

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Any idea where we're going?" asked ROB as Mr. Game and Watch opened the clue.

"Make your way to Thorntail Hollow and find the Warpstone," read Mr. Game and Watch. "We need a train! We've gotta find a way to contact the train people!"

"Train people?" gasped ROB. "Like train mafia? The CO warned me about them!"

_Samus and Pikachu  
On Power_

"So what are you thinking?" asked Pikachu.

"I'm wondering what happy marriages are like," replied Samus absent-mindedly.

"No, I mean about the task," said Pikachu.

"Oh!" exclaimed Samus. "I'm thinking maybe I should stop pulling the weight and start pushing it."

"Good plan!" grinned Pikachu.

"Thank you for being so supportive, honey!" smiled Samus, using her massive metal Arm Cannon to swat the weight around a bit.

"We're good under pressure!" smiled Pikachu to nobody in particular.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Hey, Lucas, we're here!" grinned Ness.

Lucas was bright red with fury.

"Um, Lucas, why have you painted yourself red?" asked Ness. "Finally snapped, eh? My first clue should have been when you thought that dinosaur talked."

"I don't think you even care about how much I wish you were dead," said Lucas through gritted teeth.

"Whatever," shrugged Ness. "Detour: Speed or Power?"

Lucas' hands were balled up into extremely tight fists.

"I say Speed is the way to go!" smiled Ness.

"I feel good about it," said Lucas flatly, his fingernails digging painfully into his palms.

_Samus and Pikachu  
On Power_

"The boys are here," noticed Pikachu.

"No problem!" smiled Samus, as she brought the metal gun on her arm dude seriously that is such an advantage down on the weight.

"Here's your clue," spat the Lightfoot angrily. "Tell the next people to do this thing properly. No guns."

_Samus and Pikachu  
Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Oh boy!" smiled Samus. "This clue's all I ever wanted!"

"You're all I ever wanted," simpered Pikachu.

"Yeah yeah," said Samus, rolling her eyes. "Let's go to the train station!"

_Thorntail Hollow_

_Falco and King Dedede  
Birds_

Falco and King Dedede sprinted out of the train station and were immediately met with wolf whistles.

"Turn that pretty face over here!" shouted a voice.

"Hmm...I think Thorntails are the only people who don't hate birds," noticed Falco.

"Yo, they really ain't hatin' us," said King Dedede, visibly uncomfortable.

"Taxi!" shouted Falco, raising his arm.

Catcalls erupted from all of the passing Thorntails.

"I'm not sure I like this," said Falco, zipping his jacket up as far as it went as he got into the taxi.

_Lightfoot Village_

_Ness and Lucas  
On Speed_

Ness was running and crying through the maze as Lucas chased him.

"Yeah, you better run you little bitc-oh, Ness, come back, I'm so sorry!" shouted Lucas, his sanity draining quickly. "Thinking that dinosaurs don't talk here, trying to mess with me-oh damn! I'm not trying to hurt you, buddy! Ass! This is hard!"

"Please, Lucas, let's switch!" cried Ness. "Channel your anger into Power's tasky thingy, I was wrong, the dinosaurs do talk here!"

"Fine, but first I get to punch you," said Lucas. "I mean, bake you some cookies. With poison! I think?"

Lucas cackled maniacally as he drove his fist into Ness' stomach.

Lucas burst into tears as the bones in his fingers shattered.

"Ha ha, stomach guard!" laughed Ness. "Fooled you! Come on, you pansy?"

"We're doing the other one?" asked Lucas bleakly. "Can I get away with only using my intact hand?"

_Ness and Lucas  
On Power_

"If you want to be a baby," shrugged Ness. "Let's go!"

"It's over there somewhere," said Lucas. "You know, I've got to say, I think breaking my hand fixed my mind."

"Amazing, got to remember that for next time," replied Ness disinterestedly.

_Somewhere That Is Not Lightfoot Village But Is Probably in the General Area_

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

Snake and Falcon's tank continued to make horrible grinding noises, mainly because of the fact that the brake pedal was lodged firmly under Snake's foot.

Too close, in fact.

"Yeah!" raged Falcon in a happily overcompensating way. "Put the pedal to the metal!"

"Choke on this, tank! Gag on it! This force I'm putting on you is so massive and unwieldy!" shouted Snake furiously. "Can you believe how hard we're ramming this tank, Falcon?"

"Nope!" giggled Falcon. "I'm so excited!"

Smoke came out of the back of the tank. Then the tank stopped.

"Uh-oh," said Falcon.

"That's bad news," nodded Snake.

_Lightfoot Village_

_Ness and Lucas  
On Power_

"Pushing a giant wooden rod, huh?" asked Ness, not doing anything. "That's cool. Lucas, how long do you think it'll take you to do this?"

"Pretty long," said Lucas through his tears. "I shattered my hand and I'm crying too much to focus my psychic powers."

"Hey, you've got me," said Ness, still not doing anything.

"You tricked me into breaking my hand!" shouted Lucas. "You're the worst teammate ever!"

"Oh, I'm meant to be a good teammate," remembered Ness. "Sorry! I thought the body armour thing would be pretty funny, but now we're one of the last teams and everything sucks now."

"Well, this is what happens when you joke around at inappropriate times!" cried Lucas. "We're going to lose the race!"

Ness heroically used his psychic powers to overpower the Lightfoot and win the challenge.

_Ness and Lucas  
Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Make your way to Thorntail Hollow and find the Warpstone," read Ness.

"That was incredible, Ness!" grinned Lucas, drying his eyes.

"Come on, we don't have much time!" replied Ness. "Now that I know I'm supposed to be helping you, we're going to be unstoppable!"

"Sounds good, best friend!" smiled Lucas.

_A Pretty Nondescript Part of Sauria_

_Snake and Falcon  
Friends_

Snake popped the hood...of the tank...while Falcon went outside to take a look.

"I rule at vehicle diagnostics, man!" grinned Falcon. "This won't be a problem at all!"

"Awesome!" beamed Snake. "So, what's wrong with the tank?"

Falcon stared blankly at the tank's innards.

"Uh...yeah, this thing's done," said Falcon unconvincingly. "Nothing we can do."

"Oh dear, looks like we'll need a big strong man to come save us!" simpered Snake.

...

"Or a woman. Lots of women in triple A," said Snake.

"Do you think they'll give us another tank?" asked Falcon, worried.

"Either way this is pretty bad," replied Snake. "I don't think there's any kind of solution! If only there would be some infuriatingly contrived device to give us an opportunity to catch up!"

_Train Station_

_ROB and Mr. Game and Watch  
War Veterans_

"Eureka, the train station!" said ROB, as they entered the train station. "Now to activate my radar and detect other teams that we can share the train with!"

Mr. Game and Watch flipped a switch on ROB's back.

ROB exploded. Trust me on this one, guys, if this was a visual medium you'd be seeing such an awesome mushroom-cloud explosion right now. I'm talking smoke everywhere, fire illuminating the night sky, the works.

"Oh no!" gasped Mr. Game and Watch. "Now the other teams will follow the smoke to us like some kind of native tribe!"

"This is why I went with the radar," said ROB, repairing himself.

"Yes it is," agreed Mr. Game and Watch, checking himself for heart attacks.

"Just this one time," said ROB, scanning. "Honestly, you're a bit psychotic sometimes."

Mr. Game and Watch got train tickets.

"SOMEBODY'S COMING!" bellowed ROB. "Man your turrets, everybody!"

Nobody manned a turret.

_Samus and Pikachu  
Married in Vegas  
_

"Get the tickets!" ordered Samus.

"Yes dear," said Pikachu.

Pikachu got train tickets.

"Find out the time the train leaves!" ordered Samus.

"Yes dear," said Pikachu.

Pikachu found out that the train was leaving in a few minutes.

"Avoid getting killed by ROB and Mr. Game and Watch!" ordered Samus.

"Yes dear," said Pikachu.

Pikachu was taken down by our old recurring friends: guard dogs and sniper fire.

"Why don't you listen to me?" sobbed Samus, slapping Pikachu's corpse.

_Warpstone_

_Falco and King Dedede  
Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"So we found out that Thorntails don't hate birds," Falco told the camera. "And it was strange at first, but we're really becoming accustomed to being liked."

King Dedede was being carried to the Warpstone by a procession of Thorntails.

"Ova' dere!" ordered King Dedede, pointing at Crazy Hand and the mat.

"Oh, we're done already?" asked Falco. "That was fast!"

Falco and King Dedede were dropped onto the mat.

"Welcome to Sauria!" greeted a Thorntail.

"Thank you, everybody's so nice here!" grinned Falco.

"Yeah, e'r'y'b'y usualls be hatin'," agreed King Dedede.

"So it's nice to finally have something good happen to us!" beamed Falco.

"Falco and King Dedede, you are the first team to arrive!" said Crazy Hand.

"Dope!" smiled Dedede.

"However," began Crazy Hand.

"Of course," sighed Falco.

"This leg is still not over! You're still racing, here's your next clue!" smiled Crazy Hand.

"I could peck you," snarled Falco.

"Please, your beak's tiny," scoffed Crazy Hand.

* * *

Arrival Times!

...uh...

...oh.

See you on next year's chapter!

* * *

Well how are our teams going to cope with this pickle! You'll find out. Maybe. Please review and let me know who you like, who you hate, and other assorted stuff!


End file.
